(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll along the sidewalk of a strip mall)
Friend 1: You in the mood for pizza today, or sushi?
Friend 2: You know, I’m actually in the mood for Tex-Mex.
Friend 1: …So one of us isn’t going to be happy at lunch. (Gasps loudly and stops walking, staring at a storefront slightly ahead of the pair)
Friend 2: What, you suddenly remember you’re allergic to cilantro or something?
Friend 1: No, I’ve moved on from The Lunch Dilemma; would you look at that?! (Points to the storefront)
Friend 2: (Peers at the sign) Oh, yeah, guess it’s still in business; I thought it closed decades ago.
Friend 1: Which means it’s been that long since I last went there and now we must go inside! (Makes a beeline for the entrance)
Friend 2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Whoa, wait a minute, I thought we were going to eat now? We’ve reached my five-department-store limit and I’m done with shopping for the rest of the year.
Friend 1: (Sputters) This – this – isn’t – shopping! Don’t you remember coming here at all when we were kids?! This is an experience!
Friend 2: (Squints while trying to remember, then shakes head in the negative) Nah, all I remember is waiting around for hours while everyone else wandered off doing whatever.
Friend 1: Ah! You poor, deprived child. (Guides Friend 2 to the entrance) This store has literally everything; you can spend days – nay, weeks – soaking up the wonders and not have to spend a single cent.
Friend 2: If you say so.
Friend 1: I do – the video arcade alone was a dream. And you could actually live for real in the housewares section: don’t you remember the camping party we did here?
Friend 2: Whaaaaaat?
Friend 1: Maybe that was just me. Anyway, you’ll see how great it all is, exactly the way I – (They enter the store and are faced with rows and rows of identical shelves; vaulted, empty walls and ceilings; and an employee vacuuming the one piece of carpet at the entrance) remember.
Friend 2: (Takes in the shoppers sprinkled throughout the store, listlessly browsing the aisles) Yep: looks like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.
Friend 1: Hm. (Backs out of the front door to look at the storefront again, then re-enters) Definitely the same name.
Friend 2: I think you either inflated this place enormously in your mind, or it’s gone the downsize-to-survive route – like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.
Friend 1: Nonsense. (Addresses the vacuuming employee, who turns off the machine) Excuse me, where’s the arcade?
Employee: Sorry?
Friend 1: The live-in house? The live-in restaurant? The water park?
Employee: I… think those were all before my time here. (Hands Friend 1 a pamphlet) Would you be interested in signing up for our credit card? You get an extra 15% off all purchases here for life.
Friend 1: (Stares at the pamphlet in disgust, then hands it back gently) No thank you, child. (Abruptly walks down a center aisle with Friend 2 trotting to catch up)
Employee: (In a small voice) But I’m in college….
Friend 1: (Picking up random items from the shelves and then restrainedly slamming them back down angrily while muttering) Knickknacks – (Slam) Gewgaws – (Slam) Doodads – (Slam) Tchotchkes – (Slam) Pencils?!
Friend 2: Seems like some useful stuff – (Spots an item on a bottom shelf) ooh, I do need a new sink strainer –
Friend 1: Don’t you dare! (Friend 2 freezes while picking up the item) I will not feed into this shapeshifting place’s nefarious plot to destroy the wonder that was this magical haven!
Friend 2: Destroy your childhood, you mean.
Friend 1: What? (Laughs awkwardly and mirthlessly) Nooooo….
Friend 2: You’re just upset that some fixture of your youth that had seemed permanent and where you’d had a good time has completely changed with the years and you can never go back to the way it used to be. It sounds like it had way too much stuff and was losing money, so it had to adapt or liquidate.
Friend 1: But to adapt to – to – (Grabs an item off the shelf) keychains?! The indignity of it all!
Friend 2: Hey, people always need keychains.
Friend 1: I don’t! (Slams it back on the shelf)
Manager: (Approaches in a calming manner) Hello, do you need help with anything here today?
Friend 1: Why yes, thank you: I would like to know when and why everyone here chose to betray their fantabulous origins and become a sellout?!
Friend 2: (Turns away to mutter) Oy.
Manager: Ah, you’re one of those nostalgia kids who used to tear through the place like a tornado with your antics 20 years ago and haven’t been here a day since then, eh?
Friend 1: (Mouth drops open, then closes with clenched teeth) Twenty-five years.
Manager: Yeah, I’m a lifer: corporate restructured, and business has been booming ever since. I’m just happy I only have to babysit the shoplifters now instead of the actual babies. (Points to a nearby shopper who is trying to stealthily pocket a candy bar) DOWN! (The bar is dropped in terror and the almost-perpetrator flees) Definitely a relief.
Friend 1: Well, I must say, the complete erasure of Toddler Toyland and Accordion Emporium and Go-Kart A-Go-Go –
Manager: Don’t forget Food World Around the World; how I hated that mess.
Friend 1: – greatly detracts from the magnificent Company That Once Was, and Will Never Be Again.
Manager: Whatever you say: we’re making more money now than we ever did back when we had all that chaos, with a tenth of the overhead expense.
Friend 1: (Biting lips to keep from boiling over) So: I have said my piece, and on that note – (Grabs an item from a shelf) I will be purchasing this correction tape dispenser that I can’t find anywhere else and be on my way, never to return.
Manager: Fine by us – have a nice day! (Walks to the breakroom that can actually be used now)
Friend 2: (As the two wait on the swiftly moving cash register line; nods at the soon-to-be purchase) Not a total loss, then.
Friend 1: Easy for you to say: your world hasn’t been entirely upheaved.
Friend 2: Oh please, it’s only a store.
Friend 1: I know it’s only a store, it’s just – (Stares sharply at the empty space next to the end of the cash register counter) just –
Friend 2: What, you still miss the ambience and joy it brought your lost youth?
Friend 1: (Still staring at the empty space) No, it’s just that – there used to be an actual castle door right there, and the massive void left behind is freaking me out.
