(In a café, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 sit at a table having hot cocoa)
Protagonist 1: (Smacks lips after an especially satisfying slurp) You know something? I wanna have a meet-cute.
Protagonist 2: (Pauses before drinking) That came out of nowhere – what brought this on?
Protagonist 1: Well, my life is boring for one thing. I go to work, do the same thing for more than a third of the day, deal with the same people and the same garbage, squeeze in errands, come home, eat the same bad dinner, watch the same meaningless shows, go to sleep way too late, repeat. And weekends are extended nights. And sometimes I meet up with you like this, but even that’s routine. It’s boring!
Protagonist 2: Gee, thanks. So what’s the other thing?
Protagonist 1: What? Oh, no, that pretty much covers it. (Slurps again)
Protagonist 2: And you think meeting some stranger’ll liven up your life, is that it?
Protagonist 1: Not just “some stranger”: THE ONE.
Protagonist 2: Yeech.
Protagonist 1: And I want it to be a meet-cute, so that way I’ll know it’s for real, and it’ll be so exciting and special, and my life’ll finally starting being awesome!
Protagonist 2: I repeat: yeech. Maybe it’s fun to watch in movies and TV, but that’s all scripted – things never actually happen that way in real life.
Protagonist 1: Well, I’m just going to have to make it happen then, won’t I? Starting with…. (Looks around the café until settling at the counter) that barista.
Protagonist 2: (As Protagonist 1 stands) Oh no, leave that poor person alone, don’t you remember when we worked in retail? No one there really wants to talk to the customers!
Protagonist 1: Nonsense! Some of them thrive on the interaction, and this one looks lonely. (Walks to the counter)
Protagonist 2: (Mutters into the cocoa cup) Looks disgusted with life to me.
Protagonist 1: (To Barista, who is wiping down the counter) Hi there!
Barista: (Pauses in wiping and stares at Protagonist 1 with blank eyes) How can I help you?
Protagonist 1: (Leans on the counter in an attempt to be flirty; Barista stares at the spot being leaned on, which had been cleaned two seconds earlier) I just wanted to say, you made an absolutely delicious cup of cocoa. You’re really good at the culinary arts, you know that?
Barista: (Returns to wiping, more vigorously than before) Thanks, but I didn’t make your drink; I was ringing up orders for the past hour while the others made the drinks, warmed up the sandwiches, baked the cookies, heated the soup –
Protagonist 1: (Stands up straight again) Oh, got it.
Barista: (Wipes harder, speaking to the counter) – sliced the bagels, toasted the bagels, buttered the bagels, refilled the milk, restocked the coffee, received the deliveries, cleaned the machines, mopped the floor –
Protagonist 1: (Having returned to the table and sat down across from Protagonist 2 again) Well, that was a bust.
Barista: (Going into the kitchen) – day in, day out –
Protagonist 2: Told you. You can’t really form a sincere connection with someone in customer service while they’re working; they’re already at a disadvantage since they’re being paid to fulfill your every whim anyway.
Protagonist 1: Don’t make it gross. It’s fine, I’ll think of something.
Protagonist 2: Whatever – have fun while I sit this out.
THE NEXT DAY
(On a highway, Protagonist 1 drives to work)
Protagonist 1: (Singing the wrong lyrics while the radio plays) <And I, I don’t want to keep doooooing this, anymooooooore!!!! Why – > WHOA! (Slams on the brakes when the car in front stops short, and is rear-ended by the car in back) Aw, nuts! (Turns back sharply and sees a subjectively attractive driver in the other car, then signals to pull over) Ooh-ooh, this may be it! (Pulls onto the shoulder, then tries to subtly fix hair in the rearview mirror and check breath as the other driver also pulls over, exits the car, and walks to Protagonist 1’s door) Stay calm, be cool, let the Meet-Cute commence! “So sorry, that was entirely my fault” – “Oh no really, it was my fault, let me take you out to dinner to make up for it” – (Lowers window as Driver arrives) Hi there, so –
Driver: What’s the big idea, slamming on your brakes like that?! I’m gonna sue you for negligent driving and attempted vehicular homicide; you better have insurance but I bet someone like you doesn’t, you irresponsible, stupid –
Protagonist 1: You obviously were tailgating me and that car over there is a witness. (Driver turns to see a third car had pulled up next to them; the occupants wave at the other two, and Protagonist 1 waves back)
Driver: (Turns back to Protagonist 1) I –
Protagonist 1: (Takes out a phone) I suggest you get back in your car and wait for the police to arrive – I doubt there’s any real damage to either of our cars; my insurance at least will cover it; and then we’ll be on our way.
Driver: You –
Protagonist 1: And the helpful witnesses here are blocking you in, so don’t even think about leaving if, for some reason, you don’t have insurance.
Driver: (Face twitches a bit) I’m going back to the car. (Returns to the car and collapses on the steering wheel to weep)
Protagonist 1: (Waiting while the phone rings) Well that was certainly a Meet-Ugly. (Gives a thumbs-up to the other car’s occupants, who thumbs-up back)
THE NEXT DAY
(In a bank, Protagonist 1 waits on the long line for the one teller available)
Protagonist 1: (Softly whispers) So bored, so bored, so bored –
(Suddenly, three people burst into the bank with faces covered in soft stockings and small weapons aloft)
Bank Robber 1: All right everyone, down on the ground, this is a robbery! (Almost everyone else holds up their phones to film this) For the love of – (To Bank Robber 2) Take the phones first, then the wallets! The rest of you, down!
Customer 1: (As everyone else lowers to the ground) Aw come on, you’re just supposed to take our money from the vault, not our money from our selves!
Bank Robber 1: You’ll get it back from The Man; meantime, gimme! (Two of them start taking valuables from the customers and Bank Robber 3 gestures for an employee to open the vault)
Protagonist 1: (Smoothes hair back, then stands abruptly) I volunteer as hostage and sacrifice myself to save all these innocent people!
(Everyone freezes in confusion)
Bank Robber 1: What? No; who said anything about hostages?
Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we’re in-and-out! None of that taking-someone-home mess!
Protagonist 1: The police’ll be here any minute since that officer – (Points to one of the bank officers lying next to a desk) hit the panic button right as you all came in, so you need me if you want to get out of here in one piece!
Bank Officer: (Hisses at Protagonist 1) Hey! Leave me out of this!
Bank Robber 1: (As the three resume the robbery) Cops aren’t going to get here for another… (Checks watch) seven minutes; we’ll be long gone by then; get back down on the ground and stop volunteering for danger, you nutter!
Protagonist 1: But who’s going to save you from your life of crime, and also teach you the true meaning of love?
Bank Robber 1: Huh?
Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we like our life of crime.
Protagonist 1: But wouldn’t it be more fulfilling if the stakes were higher? You all torn between having to threaten and yet protect a helpless victim, and we’re strangers at first but then circumstances force us to learn more about each other’s pasts, and we bond despite our initial distrust and grow to care about one another, and then one day two or more of us suddenly realize that bond has deepened into something much more –
Bank Robber 1: Un – freaking – believable.
Bank Robber 2: Yeah – I think I saw that movie last week.
Bank Robber 3: (Running from the vault) Time’s up, we gotta go!
Bank Robber 1: Arrrrggghhhh!!! (Points to Protagonist 1) YOU! Just cost us half the cash literally lying around here! (As the three back toward the exit) Can the rest of you we didn’t get to just toss your wallets over here, please?!
Customers and Employees: NO!
Bank Robber 1: Fair enough. (The three run out the door and then exit the vestibule to the outside, where several police cars await them)
Lead Officer: Weapons and bags down, on the ground, hands over your faces!
Bank Robber 1: Drat.
(Inside the bank, the customers and employees gather around Protagonist 1)
Customer 2: (Patting Protagonist 1 on the back) Great job, that was a brilliant stalling tactic!
Protagonist 1: …Yes, my plan went exactly as intended.
THE NEXT DAY
(In a diner, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 are having dinner)
Protagonist 2: Wow. Sounds like your life’s gotten a lot more exciting lately; now I’m sorry I missed it.
Protagonist 1: I guess, but not really: everything reset back to zero afterwards, my life is still the same as it’s always been, and my meet-cutes have been absolute fails no matter how hard I try.
Protagonist 2: Yeah, that’s too bad. (Takes a bite of the entrée and burns tongue) Ow. You know, we had a meet-cute.
Protagonist 1: (Pauses mid-bite) What?
Protagonist 2: Back when we worked in the supermarket. It was my first day, I had no idea what I was doing since orientation was only a five-minute video, and you came to my rescue with the cash register. I never forgot it.
Protagonist 1: (Laughs self-consciously) Oh, that. Well, you looked like you were struggling, and I felt bad for the new kid. Turns out you also were fun to be around.
Protagonist 2: And we’ve been hanging out ever since.
Protagonist 1: Yeah....
Protagonist 2: Guess it got boring.
Protagonist 1: (Winces) Did I say “boring”?
Protagonist 2: A few times, yeah.
Protagonist 1: (Thinks for a bit) Does a meet-cute still count if one party takes a few years to realize that’s what it was?
Protagonist 2: I’m a big believer in “better late then never.”
Protagonist 1: Good, because apparently I take a while to figure things out.
