Story 483: Walking Into a Changed Store

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll along the sidewalk of a strip mall)

Friend 1: You in the mood for pizza today, or sushi?

Friend 2: You know, I’m actually in the mood for Tex-Mex.

Friend 1: …So one of us isn’t going to be happy at lunch.  (Gasps loudly and stops walking, staring at a storefront slightly ahead of the pair)

Friend 2: What, you suddenly remember you’re allergic to cilantro or something?

Friend 1: No, I’ve moved on from The Lunch Dilemma; would you look at that?!  (Points to the storefront)

Friend 2: (Peers at the sign) Oh, yeah, guess it’s still in business; I thought it closed decades ago.

Friend 1: Which means it’s been that long since I last went there and now we must go inside!  (Makes a beeline for the entrance)

Friend 2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Whoa, wait a minute, I thought we were going to eat now?  We’ve reached my five-department-store limit and I’m done with shopping for the rest of the year.

Friend 1: (Sputters) This – this – isn’t – shopping!  Don’t you remember coming here at all when we were kids?!  This is an experience!

Friend 2: (Squints while trying to remember, then shakes head in the negative) Nah, all I remember is waiting around for hours while everyone else wandered off doing whatever.

Friend 1: Ah!  You poor, deprived child.  (Guides Friend 2 to the entrance) This store has literally everything; you can spend days – nay, weeks – soaking up the wonders and not have to spend a single cent.

Friend 2: If you say so.

Friend 1: I do – the video arcade alone was a dream.  And you could actually live for real in the housewares section: don’t you remember the camping party we did here?

Friend 2: Whaaaaaat?

Friend 1: Maybe that was just me.  Anyway, you’ll see how great it all is, exactly the way I – (They enter the store and are faced with rows and rows of identical shelves; vaulted, empty walls and ceilings; and an employee vacuuming the one piece of carpet at the entrance) remember.

Friend 2: (Takes in the shoppers sprinkled throughout the store, listlessly browsing the aisles) Yep: looks like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Hm.  (Backs out of the front door to look at the storefront again, then re-enters) Definitely the same name.

Friend 2: I think you either inflated this place enormously in your mind, or it’s gone the downsize-to-survive route – like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Nonsense.  (Addresses the vacuuming employee, who turns off the machine) Excuse me, where’s the arcade?

Employee: Sorry?

Friend 1: The live-in house?  The live-in restaurant?  The water park?

Employee: I… think those were all before my time here.  (Hands Friend 1 a pamphlet) Would you be interested in signing up for our credit card?  You get an extra 15% off all purchases here for life.

Friend 1: (Stares at the pamphlet in disgust, then hands it back gently) No thank you, child.  (Abruptly walks down a center aisle with Friend 2 trotting to catch up)

Employee: (In a small voice) But I’m in college….

Friend 1: (Picking up random items from the shelves and then restrainedly slamming them back down angrily while muttering) Knickknacks – (Slam) Gewgaws – (Slam) Doodads – (Slam) Tchotchkes – (Slam) Pencils?!

Friend 2: Seems like some useful stuff – (Spots an item on a bottom shelf) ooh, I do need a new sink strainer –

Friend 1: Don’t you dare!  (Friend 2 freezes while picking up the item) I will not feed into this shapeshifting place’s nefarious plot to destroy the wonder that was this magical haven!

Friend 2: Destroy your childhood, you mean.

Friend 1: What?  (Laughs awkwardly and mirthlessly) Nooooo….

Friend 2: You’re just upset that some fixture of your youth that had seemed permanent and where you’d had a good time has completely changed with the years and you can never go back to the way it used to be.  It sounds like it had way too much stuff and was losing money, so it had to adapt or liquidate.

Friend 1: But to adapt to – to – (Grabs an item off the shelf) keychains?!  The indignity of it all!

Friend 2: Hey, people always need keychains.

Friend 1: I don’t!  (Slams it back on the shelf)

Manager: (Approaches in a calming manner) Hello, do you need help with anything here today?

Friend 1: Why yes, thank you: I would like to know when and why everyone here chose to betray their fantabulous origins and become a sellout?!

Friend 2: (Turns away to mutter) Oy.

Manager: Ah, you’re one of those nostalgia kids who used to tear through the place like a tornado with your antics 20 years ago and haven’t been here a day since then, eh?

Friend 1: (Mouth drops open, then closes with clenched teeth) Twenty-five years.

Manager: Yeah, I’m a lifer: corporate restructured, and business has been booming ever since.  I’m just happy I only have to babysit the shoplifters now instead of the actual babies.  (Points to a nearby shopper who is trying to stealthily pocket a candy bar) DOWN!  (The bar is dropped in terror and the almost-perpetrator flees)  Definitely a relief.

Friend 1: Well, I must say, the complete erasure of Toddler Toyland and Accordion Emporium and Go-Kart A-Go-Go –

Manager: Don’t forget Food World Around the World; how I hated that mess.

Friend 1: – greatly detracts from the magnificent Company That Once Was, and Will Never Be Again.

Manager: Whatever you say: we’re making more money now than we ever did back when we had all that chaos, with a tenth of the overhead expense.

Friend 1: (Biting lips to keep from boiling over) So: I have said my piece, and on that note – (Grabs an item from a shelf) I will be purchasing this correction tape dispenser that I can’t find anywhere else and be on my way, never to return.

Manager: Fine by us – have a nice day!  (Walks to the breakroom that can actually be used now)

Friend 2: (As the two wait on the swiftly moving cash register line; nods at the soon-to-be purchase) Not a total loss, then.

Friend 1: Easy for you to say: your world hasn’t been entirely upheaved.

Friend 2: Oh please, it’s only a store.

Friend 1: I know it’s only a store, it’s just – (Stares sharply at the empty space next to the end of the cash register counter) just –

Friend 2: What, you still miss the ambience and joy it brought your lost youth?

Friend 1: (Still staring at the empty space) No, it’s just that – there used to be an actual castle door right there, and the massive void left behind is freaking me out.

Story 334: Out Past Curfew

            (In the lobby of a restaurant)

           Friend 1: … and so I said, “Too bad for you, should’ve bought 20 rolls like I did when you had the chance, sucker!”

            Friend 2: That’s… not funny.

            Friend 1: Yeah, they didn’t think so either.

            (A restaurant employee emerges from the kitchen with packages and hands them to Friends 1 and 2)

           Employee: (Voice muffled by a face shield and mask) Here you go – sorry for the wait, I know you have to get home soon.

            Friend 2: That’s all ri –

            Friend 1: Darn tootin’-thanks-bye!  (Grabs both packages, runs out the door, and starts the car as Friend 2 gets in)

            Friend 2: That was a bit rude.

          Friend 1: (Reverses out of the parking spot at high speed and peels out of the lot) Curfews know no manners!

            Friend 2: What?  And anyway, you’re the one who took forever to pick a place to order from; I could’ve just made us something in half the time!

           Friend 1: (Bites into a sandwich while swerving off the highway onto a side street) Not this deliciously fried, you couldn’t.  `Sides, we’ve got plenty of – (Glances at the clock radio) um, let me speed this up a little.  (Floors the accelerator more)

            Friend 2: Slow down, you’re gonna get us into an accident!

           Friend 1: (Gripping the steering wheel, hunched forward, eyes blazing) I’ve never been in an accident in my entire life!

            Friend 2: Really?  That’s pretty impressive.

           Friend 1: Thank you.  (Sees railroad crossing lights flash up ahead and the gates start to lower) Oh no you don’t!  (Accelerates faster)

            Friend 2: Slow down!

            Friend 1: We’ll make it!

            Friend 2: Slow down right now!

           Friend 1: I SAID WE’LL MAKE IT!  Oh never mind, they’re down.  (Slams on the brakes; both occupants lurch forward as the car’s front bumper kisses the gate)

            Friend 2: That was too close.

            Friend 1: Nonsense – if it’d been a grenade, then that would’ve been too close.  (Peers over the steering wheel to look up and down the tracks) Ugh, hate this crossing; train’s probably still at the station and we’re stuck waiting half a mile away when we could’ve kept going until it started moving again.  (Looks both ways again, then slowly starts to swerve around the gate) Let’s see….

            Friend 2: (Grabs the steering wheel to swerve the car back) Don’t you dare!  (The train passes them noisily) See!

            Friend 1: Sneaky little scamp.  (The gates lift and Friend 1 accelerates at high speed, pointing at the clock radio) Look at that!  Way late, all because of a stupid train!

            Friend 2: Not really that late; I doubt – (Sees flashing lights in the rearview mirror) Uh-oh.

          Friend 1: (Looks in the rearview mirror) Oh come on!  I’ve never been pulled over in my entire life!

            Friend 2: Now I know you’re lying.

            Friend 1: You’re just jealous.

            (They pull over and wait for the police officers to approach)

            Police Officer: License and registration.

            Friend 1: Here you go.  (Places them in the Police Officer’s gloved hand)

            Police Officer: (Gives them to partner to check) You know you two are out past curfew?

          Friend 1: Oh yes, Officer, but you see – (Uses two fingers to pull a badge out from a coat pocket and hand it over) I work at a hospital.

            Police Officer: (Examining badge) Well then, let us give you an escort there.

            Friend 1: Oh, that’s not – (Friend 2 pinches Friend 1’s arm) toooo inconvenient for you?

        Police Officer: Not at all; it’s in the area.  (Partner hands back the license and registration and whispers in the other’s ear; Police Officer hands them back to Friend 1) Congratulations on never having had an accident or being pulled over before, by the way.

           Friend 1: Awesome.  (Waits for them to get back into their car before slowly driving back onto the main road)

            Friend 2: Why didn’t you just tell them we got stuck with the food and the train?

            Friend 1: That’s too convoluted; it sounds shady.

            Friend 2: Still, I can’t believe you just lied TO THE POLICE!

            Friend 1: I didn’t lie!  I do work at the hospital.

            Friend 2: You work days!  In Admitting!

            Friend 1: Don’t be a snob; we’re all part of the same team.

            Friend 2: Whatever; you still weren’t on your way to work now!

           Friend 1: Is it my fault they took it that way?  We’ll just have to go inside for 10 minutes or so, and if we get stopped again we can say we just ended our shift there.

            Friend 2: You can say whatever you want; I’m your hostage right now, so maybe I’ll say that.

            Friend 1: If it pleases you.

            (They park in the hospital lot and meet the police officers at the entrance)

            Police Officer: (To Friend 1) So, which department do you work in?

            Friend 1: Admitting… in the Emergency Department.

            Police Officer: Oh good, that’s right here.

            Friend 1: Indeed it is.

           Friend 2: (Muttering to Friend 1) Can you admit me right now?  What am I gonna tell them, that I’m just gonna sit here for eight hours until your shift ends?!

            Friend 1: You’re a very dedicated friend.

            (They enter and approach the front desk)

            Welcome Ambassador: (To Friend 1) Oh hey, what are you doing here at this time of –

            Friend 1: Yeah that’s great see ya!  (Uses badge to enter the Emergency Department; the other three wait at those doors while Friend 1 rushes ahead to one of the physicians at the main desk) Hey doc, really quick –

            Physician: Oh hey, what are you doing here at this time of –

           Friend 1: No time for that: got stuck out past curfew, can you tell those two cops over there that I didn’t have to come in tonight?

            Physician: But you don’t work in this department.

            Friend 1: (Through gritted teeth) Doc!

           Physician: Oh, gotcha.  (They walk over to the other three) Hello, I was just telling this team member they didn’t have to come in tonight.

            Friend 1: Aw nuts, and I got pulled over and everything!

            Police Officer: Too bad about the wasted trip.  You live far away from here?

            Friend 1: Less than 10 minutes.

            Physician: Wow.  I commute almost an hour each way.

          Police Officer: We appreciate everything you do, Doctor.  (To Friend 1) You shouldn’t get stopped again, but give them my badge number to call me if you do on the way home; we have to get back to our rounds.  (To Friend 2) You two live together?

            Friend 2: I guess tonight we do.

            Police Officer: Smart move.

            (All four walk back to the parking lot and drive away in their respective cars)

            Friend 2: I can’t believe you asked that nice doctor to lie for you.

          Friend 1: It was not a lie, how many times do I have to – (Loud noise as the right rear tire blows out) Oh for the love of Peter and Paul!

            (They pull over and both get out of the car; Friend 1 kicks the flat tire a few times)

            Friend 2: Don’t you have a spare?

            Friend 1: This is the spare!

            Friend 2: You really are hopeless.

            Friend 1: (Trying cell phone) And of course the battery’s dead!

            Friend 2: You have a charger?

          Friend 1: At home, because we weren’t going to be out this late!  Can I use your phone?

            Friend 2: I… forgot to bring it.

           Friend 1: Well that’s a set of conveniently inconvenient circumstances!  (Turns to the nearest house and walks up the front steps; no lights are on, inside or outside)

          Friend 2: (Scrambling up the steps behind Friend 1) What are you doing?!  It could be the plague house in there!

            Friend 1: (Bangs on the front door) I don’t see a giant red cross on the door, do you?

            Friend 2: Fine; then they could just be plain old psychopaths.

            Friend 1: Nothing ventured!

            (The door opens)

            Occupant: (Stares at them warily from the darkened interior) What’s the password?

            Friend 1: What?

          Occupant: Eh – close enough.  (Drags them both inside, kicks the door closed, and shoves them down the basement stairs; they stop midway and see a brightly lit rave is being held there)

            Friend 2: What on Earth is this?!

          Occupant: (Rushes past them to grab drinks from the DJ playing at a bar) Welcome to the party, dudes!  We’re not letting The Man tell us not to gather in groups of 10 or more!

            Group of More Than 10: No, sir!

            Occupant: (Holds out two drinks to Friends 1 and 2) Shots?

         Friend 1: While I admire your spirit and sense of hospitality, we’ll just enjoy your public statement from our spot way over here.  (To Friend 2) Got a ruler on you?  I can’t tell how far away 6 feet is.

            Friend 2: (Holding one hand over mouth and nose) Not far enough away from you!  (Turns to run upstairs right as the front door bursts open; a figure in a hazmat suit appears at the top of the stairs)

            Hazmat Suit 1: Police!  This is a stupid-people raid!

            Group of More Than 10: Aaahhh!!!  It’s The Man!

         (A loud record scratch is heard as everyone below lunges for the tiny basement windows to crawl out; more police in hazmat suits run past Friends 1 and 2 to corral the partygoers)

            Occupant: (Hauled away while still holding the shot glasses) Cool, this really is The Roaring 20s all over again.

            (Friends 1’s and 2’s shoulders each get a hazmat glove clamped on them)

            Hazmat Suit 2: You’re coming with us.

            Friend 1: Is it to the hospital?  (Pulls out badge) `Cause I work there –

            Friend 2: Oh knock it off!

            (In the back of a squad car, Friends 1 and 2 sit on plastic sheeting and are wearing masks)

            Friend 1: You think they’ll let me call a mechanic to fix my tire by the time they let us out?  (Friend 2 glares) Just saying, could’ve had it done by now if you’d brought your phone.

            Friend 2: Don’t breathe in my direction.  (Turns away to stare out the window)

            Friend 1: (Turns to stare out the other window) This is the worst birthday ever.