Story 483: Walking Into a Changed Store

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll along the sidewalk of a strip mall)

Friend 1: You in the mood for pizza today, or sushi?

Friend 2: You know, I’m actually in the mood for Tex-Mex.

Friend 1: …So one of us isn’t going to be happy at lunch.  (Gasps loudly and stops walking, staring at a storefront slightly ahead of the pair)

Friend 2: What, you suddenly remember you’re allergic to cilantro or something?

Friend 1: No, I’ve moved on from The Lunch Dilemma; would you look at that?!  (Points to the storefront)

Friend 2: (Peers at the sign) Oh, yeah, guess it’s still in business; I thought it closed decades ago.

Friend 1: Which means it’s been that long since I last went there and now we must go inside!  (Makes a beeline for the entrance)

Friend 2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Whoa, wait a minute, I thought we were going to eat now?  We’ve reached my five-department-store limit and I’m done with shopping for the rest of the year.

Friend 1: (Sputters) This – this – isn’t – shopping!  Don’t you remember coming here at all when we were kids?!  This is an experience!

Friend 2: (Squints while trying to remember, then shakes head in the negative) Nah, all I remember is waiting around for hours while everyone else wandered off doing whatever.

Friend 1: Ah!  You poor, deprived child.  (Guides Friend 2 to the entrance) This store has literally everything; you can spend days – nay, weeks – soaking up the wonders and not have to spend a single cent.

Friend 2: If you say so.

Friend 1: I do – the video arcade alone was a dream.  And you could actually live for real in the housewares section: don’t you remember the camping party we did here?

Friend 2: Whaaaaaat?

Friend 1: Maybe that was just me.  Anyway, you’ll see how great it all is, exactly the way I – (They enter the store and are faced with rows and rows of identical shelves; vaulted, empty walls and ceilings; and an employee vacuuming the one piece of carpet at the entrance) remember.

Friend 2: (Takes in the shoppers sprinkled throughout the store, listlessly browsing the aisles) Yep: looks like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Hm.  (Backs out of the front door to look at the storefront again, then re-enters) Definitely the same name.

Friend 2: I think you either inflated this place enormously in your mind, or it’s gone the downsize-to-survive route – like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Nonsense.  (Addresses the vacuuming employee, who turns off the machine) Excuse me, where’s the arcade?

Employee: Sorry?

Friend 1: The live-in house?  The live-in restaurant?  The water park?

Employee: I… think those were all before my time here.  (Hands Friend 1 a pamphlet) Would you be interested in signing up for our credit card?  You get an extra 15% off all purchases here for life.

Friend 1: (Stares at the pamphlet in disgust, then hands it back gently) No thank you, child.  (Abruptly walks down a center aisle with Friend 2 trotting to catch up)

Employee: (In a small voice) But I’m in college….

Friend 1: (Picking up random items from the shelves and then restrainedly slamming them back down angrily while muttering) Knickknacks – (Slam) Gewgaws – (Slam) Doodads – (Slam) Tchotchkes – (Slam) Pencils?!

Friend 2: Seems like some useful stuff – (Spots an item on a bottom shelf) ooh, I do need a new sink strainer –

Friend 1: Don’t you dare!  (Friend 2 freezes while picking up the item) I will not feed into this shapeshifting place’s nefarious plot to destroy the wonder that was this magical haven!

Friend 2: Destroy your childhood, you mean.

Friend 1: What?  (Laughs awkwardly and mirthlessly) Nooooo….

Friend 2: You’re just upset that some fixture of your youth that had seemed permanent and where you’d had a good time has completely changed with the years and you can never go back to the way it used to be.  It sounds like it had way too much stuff and was losing money, so it had to adapt or liquidate.

Friend 1: But to adapt to – to – (Grabs an item off the shelf) keychains?!  The indignity of it all!

Friend 2: Hey, people always need keychains.

Friend 1: I don’t!  (Slams it back on the shelf)

Manager: (Approaches in a calming manner) Hello, do you need help with anything here today?

Friend 1: Why yes, thank you: I would like to know when and why everyone here chose to betray their fantabulous origins and become a sellout?!

Friend 2: (Turns away to mutter) Oy.

Manager: Ah, you’re one of those nostalgia kids who used to tear through the place like a tornado with your antics 20 years ago and haven’t been here a day since then, eh?

Friend 1: (Mouth drops open, then closes with clenched teeth) Twenty-five years.

Manager: Yeah, I’m a lifer: corporate restructured, and business has been booming ever since.  I’m just happy I only have to babysit the shoplifters now instead of the actual babies.  (Points to a nearby shopper who is trying to stealthily pocket a candy bar) DOWN!  (The bar is dropped in terror and the almost-perpetrator flees)  Definitely a relief.

Friend 1: Well, I must say, the complete erasure of Toddler Toyland and Accordion Emporium and Go-Kart A-Go-Go –

Manager: Don’t forget Food World Around the World; how I hated that mess.

Friend 1: – greatly detracts from the magnificent Company That Once Was, and Will Never Be Again.

Manager: Whatever you say: we’re making more money now than we ever did back when we had all that chaos, with a tenth of the overhead expense.

Friend 1: (Biting lips to keep from boiling over) So: I have said my piece, and on that note – (Grabs an item from a shelf) I will be purchasing this correction tape dispenser that I can’t find anywhere else and be on my way, never to return.

Manager: Fine by us – have a nice day!  (Walks to the breakroom that can actually be used now)

Friend 2: (As the two wait on the swiftly moving cash register line; nods at the soon-to-be purchase) Not a total loss, then.

Friend 1: Easy for you to say: your world hasn’t been entirely upheaved.

Friend 2: Oh please, it’s only a store.

Friend 1: I know it’s only a store, it’s just – (Stares sharply at the empty space next to the end of the cash register counter) just –

Friend 2: What, you still miss the ambience and joy it brought your lost youth?

Friend 1: (Still staring at the empty space) No, it’s just that – there used to be an actual castle door right there, and the massive void left behind is freaking me out.

Story 460: Extending Summer Forever

(On a park trail)

Friend 1: I’m mad.

Friend 2: Oh dear, what now?

Friend 1: Whaddya mean, “What now?”  I don’t complain a lot.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: OK, you got me – I complain all the time.

Friend 2: That you do.  So: what now?

Friend 1: (Sighs and gestures at the beauty of nature around them) This.  (Gestures at the two of them) I mean, look at us!

Friend 2: (Looks down without breaking stride) Has something happened that I’m not aware of?

Friend 1: Apparently – we’re wearing long sleeves and long pants, and I can’t stand it!

Friend 2: …Whyyyyy???

Friend 1: Because only two weeks ago we were wearing short sleeves and short pants!  And complaining how hot it was and that we were out here melting!

Friend 2: You certainly were.

Friend 1: That’s beside the point: just because our made-up calendar no longer states “August,” Nature gets it into her head to flip a switch and shut down production!

Friend 2: Other way around, you know: the calendar was made up to reflect the flipping switches of Nature.

Friend 1: Still – two weeks!  And we suddenly have to bundle up in our woolies and watch in helpless horror as all these glorious leaves wither up in beautiful colors and collectively leap to their demise!

Friend 2: (Looks around) Been taking longer and longer to do that each year lately, you notice that?

Friend 1: That’s an unrelated catastrophe; my rant involves the fact that it took forever for us to get to summer, and now, oh well, inexorable march of time marches on, here’s fall all y’all, like it or lump it, and I’m sick of lumping it!

Friend 2: You could always just like it.

Friend 1: Bah!

Friend 2: OK.

Friend 1: I still want to go to the beach!  I still want to have ice cream!  I still want the thrill of the boardwalk!

Friend 2: You still can, you know – those things are around all year long.

Friend 1: Yeah, but not with lifeguards!  Or college-kid-staffed parlors!  Or fireworks!  Or super-long-lines everywhere!

Friend 2: You’re right: some of those’re better this time of year.

Friend 1: You’re no help at all.  It’s also getting too night out too early now.

Friend 2: That, I agree with: I miss sunset being around 9:00 in the evening; now it’s just getting gloomy.

Friend 1: Exactly!  And soon enough, sunset’ll be at 4:30!

Friend 2: Well, by then it’ll be winter so we’ll be hibernating anyway.

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about winter!  I’m not done slandering autumn yet!

Friend 2: Then by all means, continue.

Friend 1: I’ll switch gears instead: summer means the smell of chlorine, and swimming in tidal waves under teenage supervision, and outdoor concerts, and outdoor dining, and staying up all night long without thought of any consequences, and parties with your friends, and vacation all day long even if you’re not going anywhere, and carefree biking through the neighborhood streets, and living just for the endless day, and, and….

Friend 2: And feeling like a kid again?

Friend 1: (Slows to a stop; Friend 2 does likewise) Is that what this is?

Friend 2: A bit, at least for you – sounds like it’s the one season you can time travel back to when you were happier.

Friend 1: I’m happy now!

Friend 2: I said “happier.”

Friend 1: Oh.  I guess.  Point is, I want it to be summer forever.

Friend 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Well, it can’t: the planet has to continue tilting on its axis back and forth as it orbits the Sun; flora and fauna have evolved to match the seasonal changes throughout the world; and you’ll feel better about everything if you just accept that instead of mentally fighting it all the time.

Friend 1: I guess.  Unless….

Friend 2: What could possibly follow that?

Friend 1: Unless I figure out a way to stop the Earth tilting on its axis and straighten out its elliptical orbit so it’s optimal summer for our part of the world all year, every year, forever and ever, and –

Friend 2: And that’s a supervillain origin story if I ever heard one, you realize that?

Friend 1: Only if I fail!

Friend 2: You can be really bonkers sometimes, I have to say.

Friend 1: (Hastily brushes off several fallen leaves) Maybe, but it’s all in good fun.

Story 420: Romping in a Winter Wonderland

 (In a house, three children are having lunch in the kitchen)

Parent: (Bursts in, waving tickets) Well kids, it took me five years but we’re finally making it to the North Pole’s Magic Land of Fun and Wonder, hooray!

Kid 1: (Applauds with a mouth full of sandwich) Hooray!

Kid 2: Hate to be the downer here, but isn’t that place for, you know….

Kid 3: Kids?

Parent: Yes!  And you’re it!  Them.

Kid 2: True, but five years is a long time in this stage of our existence.

Kid 3: Yeah – I started shaving last month.

Kid 1: Wait, this isn’t the roller coaster park that just does the Santa bit this time of year?

Kid 2: Nope: this is full-on North Pole.

Kid 1: Oh.  (To Parent) I have to retract my “Hooray” – isn’t that place for kids?

Parent: WE ARE GOING.

            (At the North Pole’s Magic Land of Fun and Wonder)

Parent: (Shoving Kids into the park) Go on, my lovelies, pick a place where you’d like to start!

Kid 2: (Looks around at the festive buildings) Um… can we get something to eat in Mrs. Claus’s Candy and Cookie Kitchen?

Parent: You just ate breakfast an hour ago!

Kid 2: Tell that to my growing body.  (Holds stomach as it growls in agreement)

Parent: OK, we’ll get some snacks there, then it’s off to Santa’s Workshop, yippee!

Kid 3: Ooh, you think they’ll let me play with the power tools if I ask nicely?

Parent: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

(On the extremely long line to see Santa)

Kid 3: Are they gonna make us sit on his lap?

Parent: What do you mean, “make us”?  Don’t you want the full experience of a benevolent father figure granting your heart’s desire?

Kid 3: It’s just that, I think I’m bigger than he is.

Parent: (Waves dismissively) Fine-fine, stand next to him or whatever then.

Kid 2: Can I do that, too?

Kid 1: Me three?

Parent: You two aren’t bigger than he is.

Kid 2: It feels creepy to sit on a stranger’s lap at my age.

Kid 1: Even if he is a right jolly old elf.

Santa Claus: (Waves to the family) Ho-ho-ho, NEXT!  (None of the Kids move)

Parent: You wimps, I’ll do it!  (Runs up to the platform and hops onto Santa’s lap)

Santa Claus: Oof!  You’re quite a big child there, ho-ho-hm.

Parent: Hi Santa, all I want this year is three grateful children, please.

Santa Claus: You and me both – (Holds out a candy cane) take this and scram, you’re cutting off the circulation to my legs.

Parent: (Takes the candy cane and leaps off of Santa Claus) Thank you!  (To Kid 1) Get up there!

Kid 1: (Approaches Santa Claus, remains standing) Hi Santa, could I have a quote-unquote “normal” parent this year?

Santa Claus: Mild embarrassment aside, you don’t know how lucky you have it.  (Tosses a candy cane at Kid 1) Now get outta here and let through the ones who actually want to see me.  (Kid 2 and Kid 3 walk off the line, following Kid 1)

Parent: If those two are gonna skip, can I take their places?

Santa Claus: Don’t be greedy, now beat it!

(The family arrives at a ride featuring flying reindeer)

Parent: Yes!  Let’s go on this one, it’ll be perfect to ride those just as it’s starting to snow!

Kid 1: That sounds more magical than I think it’ll turn out to be.

(They wait on line for an hour, then climb aboard the reindeer that fly in a circle and up-and-down)

Parent: (Waving arms forward) On Dasher, on Dancer, wheee!

Kid 1: (Looking out at the parking lot) Hey, I can see the car from here!

Kid 2: (Looking up) I can see the sun from here!  This is super high, oh-my-gosh!

Kid 3: (Stuck at the bottom of the vertical arc) I think mine’s broken.

(In the car on the way home)

Parent: Well kids, I know this was five years too late for you to fully appreciate it, but I hope you had at least some fun today in this excursion of merriment.

Kid 1: Yeah, the one ride was pretty fun in the blizzard and all.

Kid 2: My favorite was the Elf Chip Cookies.  And the giant hot cocoa with the giant marshmallows.  And the Yule Log Hot Dogs.  And the Peppermint Hamburger Patties.  And the –

Kid 3: I enjoyed seeing the wonder and magic shared by everyone there, and that special feeling only this season brings.  And the Yule Log Hot Dogs were pretty sweet, too.

Parent: That’s the spirit!  And because you all were so good today, I’m going to give you an extra special gift!

Kids 1-3: (Eagerly) What?

Parent: Next year, I’m going without you!

Kid 2: Probably for the best – we’d only slow you down.