Story 485: When Meet-Cute Fails

(In a café, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 sit at a table having hot cocoa)

Protagonist 1: (Smacks lips after an especially satisfying slurp) You know something?  I wanna have a meet-cute.

Protagonist 2: (Pauses before drinking) That came out of nowhere – what brought this on?

Protagonist 1: Well, my life is boring for one thing.  I go to work, do the same thing for more than a third of the day, deal with the same people and the same garbage, squeeze in errands, come home, eat the same bad dinner, watch the same meaningless shows, go to sleep way too late, repeat.  And weekends are extended nights.  And sometimes I meet up with you like this, but even that’s routine.  It’s boring!

Protagonist 2: Gee, thanks.  So what’s the other thing?

Protagonist 1: What?  Oh, no, that pretty much covers it.  (Slurps again)

Protagonist 2: And you think meeting some stranger’ll liven up your life, is that it?

Protagonist 1: Not just “some stranger”: THE ONE.

Protagonist 2: Yeech.

Protagonist 1: And I want it to be a meet-cute, so that way I’ll know it’s for real, and it’ll be so exciting and special, and my life’ll finally starting being awesome!

Protagonist 2: I repeat: yeech.  Maybe it’s fun to watch in movies and TV, but that’s all scripted – things never actually happen that way in real life.

Protagonist 1: Well, I’m just going to have to make it happen then, won’t I?  Starting with…. (Looks around the café until settling at the counter) that barista.

Protagonist 2: (As Protagonist 1 stands) Oh no, leave that poor person alone, don’t you remember when we worked in retail?  No one there really wants to talk to the customers!

Protagonist 1: Nonsense!  Some of them thrive on the interaction, and this one looks lonely.  (Walks to the counter)

Protagonist 2: (Mutters into the cocoa cup) Looks disgusted with life to me.

Protagonist 1: (To Barista, who is wiping down the counter) Hi there!

Barista: (Pauses in wiping and stares at Protagonist 1 with blank eyes) How can I help you?

Protagonist 1: (Leans on the counter in an attempt to be flirty; Barista stares at the spot being leaned on, which had been cleaned two seconds earlier) I just wanted to say, you made an absolutely delicious cup of cocoa.  You’re really good at the culinary arts, you know that?

Barista: (Returns to wiping, more vigorously than before) Thanks, but I didn’t make your drink; I was ringing up orders for the past hour while the others made the drinks, warmed up the sandwiches, baked the cookies, heated the soup –

Protagonist 1: (Stands up straight again) Oh, got it.

Barista: (Wipes harder, speaking to the counter) – sliced the bagels, toasted the bagels, buttered the bagels, refilled the milk, restocked the coffee, received the deliveries, cleaned the machines, mopped the floor –

Protagonist 1: (Having returned to the table and sat down across from Protagonist 2 again) Well, that was a bust.

Barista: (Going into the kitchen) – day in, day out –

Protagonist 2: Told you.  You can’t really form a sincere connection with someone in customer service while they’re working; they’re already at a disadvantage since they’re being paid to fulfill your every whim anyway.

Protagonist 1: Don’t make it gross.  It’s fine, I’ll think of something.

Protagonist 2: Whatever – have fun while I sit this out.

 THE NEXT DAY

(On a highway, Protagonist 1 drives to work)

Protagonist 1: (Singing the wrong lyrics while the radio plays) <And I, I don’t want to keep doooooing this, anymooooooore!!!!  Why – >  WHOA!  (Slams on the brakes when the car in front stops short, and is rear-ended by the car in back) Aw, nuts!  (Turns back sharply and sees a subjectively attractive driver in the other car, then signals to pull over) Ooh-ooh, this may be it!  (Pulls onto the shoulder, then tries to subtly fix hair in the rearview mirror and check breath as the other driver also pulls over, exits the car, and walks to Protagonist 1’s door) Stay calm, be cool, let the Meet-Cute commence!  “So sorry, that was entirely my fault” – “Oh no really, it was my fault, let me take you out to dinner to make up for it” – (Lowers window as Driver arrives) Hi there, so –

Driver: What’s the big idea, slamming on your brakes like that?!  I’m gonna sue you for negligent driving and attempted vehicular homicide; you better have insurance but I bet someone like you doesn’t, you irresponsible, stupid –

Protagonist 1: You obviously were tailgating me and that car over there is a witness.  (Driver turns to see a third car had pulled up next to them; the occupants wave at the other two, and Protagonist 1 waves back)

Driver: (Turns back to Protagonist 1) I –

Protagonist 1: (Takes out a phone) I suggest you get back in your car and wait for the police to arrive – I doubt there’s any real damage to either of our cars; my insurance at least will cover it; and then we’ll be on our way.

Driver: You –

Protagonist 1: And the helpful witnesses here are blocking you in, so don’t even think about leaving if, for some reason, you don’t have insurance.

Driver: (Face twitches a bit) I’m going back to the car.  (Returns to the car and collapses on the steering wheel to weep)

Protagonist 1: (Waiting while the phone rings) Well that was certainly a Meet-Ugly.  (Gives a thumbs-up to the other car’s occupants, who thumbs-up back)

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a bank, Protagonist 1 waits on the long line for the one teller available)

Protagonist 1: (Softly whispers) So bored, so bored, so bored –

(Suddenly, three people burst into the bank with faces covered in soft stockings and small weapons aloft)

Bank Robber 1: All right everyone, down on the ground, this is a robbery!  (Almost everyone else holds up their phones to film this) For the love of – (To Bank Robber 2) Take the phones first, then the wallets!  The rest of you, down!

Customer 1: (As everyone else lowers to the ground) Aw come on, you’re just supposed to take our money from the vault, not our money from our selves!

Bank Robber 1: You’ll get it back from The Man; meantime, gimme!  (Two of them start taking valuables from the customers and Bank Robber 3 gestures for an employee to open the vault)

Protagonist 1: (Smoothes hair back, then stands abruptly) I volunteer as hostage and sacrifice myself to save all these innocent people!

(Everyone freezes in confusion)

Bank Robber 1: What?  No; who said anything about hostages?

Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we’re in-and-out!  None of that taking-someone-home mess!

Protagonist 1: The police’ll be here any minute since that officer – (Points to one of the bank officers lying next to a desk) hit the panic button right as you all came in, so you need me if you want to get out of here in one piece!

Bank Officer: (Hisses at Protagonist 1) Hey!  Leave me out of this!

Bank Robber 1: (As the three resume the robbery) Cops aren’t going to get here for another… (Checks watch) seven minutes; we’ll be long gone by then; get back down on the ground and stop volunteering for danger, you nutter!

Protagonist 1: But who’s going to save you from your life of crime, and also teach you the true meaning of love?

Bank Robber 1: Huh?

Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we like our life of crime.

Protagonist 1: But wouldn’t it be more fulfilling if the stakes were higher?  You all torn between having to threaten and yet protect a helpless victim, and we’re strangers at first but then circumstances force us to learn more about each other’s pasts, and we bond despite our initial distrust and grow to care about one another, and then one day two or more of us suddenly realize that bond has deepened into something much more –

Bank Robber 1: Un – freaking – believable.

Bank Robber 2: Yeah – I think I saw that movie last week.

Bank Robber 3: (Running from the vault) Time’s up, we gotta go!

Bank Robber 1: Arrrrggghhhh!!!  (Points to Protagonist 1) YOU!  Just cost us half the cash literally lying around here!  (As the three back toward the exit) Can the rest of you we didn’t get to just toss your wallets over here, please?!

Customers and Employees: NO!

Bank Robber 1: Fair enough.  (The three run out the door and then exit the vestibule to the outside, where several police cars await them)

Lead Officer: Weapons and bags down, on the ground, hands over your faces!

Bank Robber 1: Drat.

(Inside the bank, the customers and employees gather around Protagonist 1)

Customer 2: (Patting Protagonist 1 on the back) Great job, that was a brilliant stalling tactic!

Protagonist 1: …Yes, my plan went exactly as intended.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a diner, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 are having dinner)

Protagonist 2: Wow.  Sounds like your life’s gotten a lot more exciting lately; now I’m sorry I missed it.

Protagonist 1: I guess, but not really: everything reset back to zero afterwards, my life is still the same as it’s always been, and my meet-cutes have been absolute fails no matter how hard I try.

Protagonist 2: Yeah, that’s too bad.  (Takes a bite of the entrée and burns tongue) Ow.  You know, we had a meet-cute.

Protagonist 1: (Pauses mid-bite) What?

Protagonist 2: Back when we worked in the supermarket.  It was my first day, I had no idea what I was doing since orientation was only a five-minute video, and you came to my rescue with the cash register.  I never forgot it.

Protagonist 1: (Laughs self-consciously) Oh, that.  Well, you looked like you were struggling, and I felt bad for the new kid.  Turns out you also were fun to be around.

Protagonist 2: And we’ve been hanging out ever since.

Protagonist 1: Yeah....

Protagonist 2: Guess it got boring.

Protagonist 1: (Winces) Did I say “boring”?

Protagonist 2: A few times, yeah.

Protagonist 1: (Thinks for a bit) Does a meet-cute still count if one party takes a few years to realize that’s what it was?

Protagonist 2: I’m a big believer in “better late then never.”

Protagonist 1: Good, because apparently I take a while to figure things out.

Story 411: The Vicious Cycle of Sort-of Love

 (The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle in the 24-7 convenience store – the fall into love is instantaneous)

Lover 1: Hi.

Lover 2: Hey.

Lover 1: You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my entire two decades on this planet.

Lover 2: Same.  Wanna go somewhere and eat food in front of each other?

Lover 1: I thought you’d never ask.

(They go to a local café to drink coffee in front of each other instead)

Lover 2: Just to be clear about this whole thing: I’ve been waiting my entire life for someone who is just like me but not 100% like me so as to be creepy, ya dig?

Lover 1: Completely.  I’ve needed someone to talk to who shares all my interests, is almost-but-not-quite my mirror, and preferably super-hot, and you fit the bill.

Lover 2: As do you.  I could stare into your eyes all day.

Lover 1: (Blushes and looks down) Aw, shucks.  (Looks up again, under intense brows)

Lover 2: Rowwrrrrrr.

Lover 1: And you: your face, your hair, your everything, especially the pheromones I assume you’re secreting that are driving my olfactory receptors bonkers.

Lover 2: That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my entire two decades on this planet.

Barista: (Passing by their table with a mop) Excuse me.  (The other two look up from their unblinking mooning over each other) We’re closing in five minutes.

Lover 1: What’s five minutes when there is a love to last for eternity?

Lover 2: Sighhhh….

Barista: Five minutes for you two to schmaltz on out of here before I call the cops.

Lover 1: Gone. 

(They flee the café, then hold hands while strolling on the sidewalk)

Lover 1: Sooo, now that we’ve gotten through the preliminaries of sitting at the same table for a bit and expressing our deepest, truest emotions of spiritual connection:  my place or yours?

Lover 2: Whichever’s closer; I just need to ask you one thing.

Lover 1: Anything you desire, my heart, my soul, my one and only!

Lover 2: What’s your name?

 ONE YEAR LATER

(In Lover 1 and 2’s shared apartment, Lover 2 is heading to the front door with several suitcases and bags when Lover 1 enters from the bedroom, just waking up and wearing flannel pajamas)

Lover 1: What’s all this?

Lover 2: Our inevitable break-up, of course.

Lover 1: Oh.  I thought we’d have at least another few months – what happened?

Lover 2: The usual: all your habits drive me up the wall, all mine drive you the same, yet we’re so alike that our arguments stretch out into infinity, not to mention our families never saw in us what we saw in each other so they can’t stand the thought of us ever, plus things are starting to heat up with my soulmate at work and we’re obsessed with our newfound love even though we’re both in committed relationships – you know, same old story.

Lover 1: Got it.  Guess I just hoped it would take a few decades of all that before one or both of us finally took the simplest way out.

Lover 2: My last gift to you: I’m removing myself at the exact point where this has become an unsustainable cohabitation model.

Lover 1: Well thanks, I appreciate it.  Take care, `cause I sincerely doubt we’ll ever meet again.

Lover 2: You too.  I’m so glad I’ll be able to think back on all this with fondness instead of revulsion; this’ll also be great material for my upcoming poetry collection.

Lover 1: You write poetry?  (Lover 2 leaves without looking back) Whelp, time to reset.  What’s on TV?

 ONE WEEK LATER

(The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle in the 24-7 convenience store – the fall into love is instantaneous)

Lover 1: Hi.

Lover 3: `Sup?

Lover 1: You are the most beautiful –

Lover 3: Yadda-yadda-yadda: take me now!

 SIX MONTHS LATER

(In Lover 1 and 3’s shared apartment, Lover 3 is heading to the front door with several suitcases and bags when Lover 1 enters from the bedroom, just waking up and wearing flannel pajamas)

Lover 1: Time?

Lover 3: Yep.  Figured I’d head out now while we still actually like each other.

Lover 1: Good idea – bye!  (Lover 3 leaves without looking back) Whelp, time to reset.  What’s on TV?

 ONE WEEK LATER

(The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle – )

Lover 1: Wait a minute – do I really want to go through all this again?

Lover 4: What’s that?

Lover 1: You’re right: the heart wants what it wants.

Lover 4: Same.  Wanna go somewhere and eat food in front of each other?

Lover 1: I thought you’d never ask.

(They go to the cash register to ring up their purchases)

Store Owner: (To Lover 1) I only say this because you’ve been in my store every night for the past seven years so that makes us practically family: get some respect for yourself and for others before you give yourself away to a stranger to fill some need!  Not to mention how dangerous this behavior is – lucky none of you so far turned out to be serial killers or these dramas would’ve had really unhappy endings.

Lover 1: That sounds right to my brain, but my heart screams “Indulge me!”

Store Owner: I don’t think it’s entirely your heart.

Lover 1: True.  But I have to ask: what precisely are your credentials in dispensing this wisdom, hm?

Store Owner: I’ve been married to the same person for almost 50 years and neither of us have strayed once.

Lover 1: (Eyes widen) Wow.  That’s half a century right there.  How’ve you two survived it?

Store Owner: We actually took the time to get to know and like each other before the whole body-and-soul commitment!

Lover 1: (Nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh – and how does one do that, exactly?

Lover 4: (Strolling back to Lover 1 after having wandered the entire store) Wanna head out before the café over here closes in five minutes?

Lover 1: Oh right, yeah.  (Finishes paying for the purchases and leaves with Lover 4; to Store Owner on the way out) Thanks for the advice, What’s-Your-Name!

Store Owner: Unbelievable.  I’m even wearing a name tag!

(Lovers 1 and 4 hold hands while strolling on the sidewalk)

Lover 4: So, before I start resenting everything you do and every sound you make and vice versa, tell me all your favs for me to use as ammunition in later fights.

Lover 1: “Favs”?

Lover 4: Your favorite things: likes, dreams, hobbies?

Lover 1: (As they stop in front of the closing café and the Barista glares at them through the window) Doing the same thing over and over, apparently.

Story 288: How Come No One Wants to Try to Scam Me?!

            Friend 1: (Answers phone) Yellll-oh?

            Friend 2: Did you get any e-mails from me asking for money?

          Friend 1: Should I have?  Instead of e-mail, you know you can always just, you know, ask.  You know.

            Friend 2: No-no-no, I mean did you get anything deceitfully claiming to be from my e-mail address where it seems I’m all, “Hey, hope you had a good weekend – ” ON A FRIDAY – “right now I’m in jolly old England and just got soundly thrashed; could you be a dear and buy a bajillion dollars’ worth of gift cards and reply back with the PIN numbers and all that, and I swear I’ll pay you once I’ve ransomed myself back to the States, whaddaya say, old buddy old pal?!!”

          Friend 1: Hmmmmmm, nope – no, I don’t see a message like that from you lately, but how much do you need?

            Friend 2: How much do I – ?  It’s a scam!

            Friend 1: Oh.

           Friend 2: Some – some – some dude hacked my account, raided my address book, and sent this vile missive out to the world under my banner, so now I have to call about a thousand people and tell them to delete it and run away forever!

            Friend 1: That doesn’t sound so bad; at least it’s not a virus that literally ate your computer.

          Friend 2: A virus I could deal with!  This, I just know someone’s gonna fall for it, and even though it’s not my fault, they will spend the rest of their days cursing my name for allowing my e-mail address to rip them off!

            Friend 1: Oh, you did?

            Friend 2: No of course I didn’t; are you even listening?!

           Friend 1: Yes.  You need to call the world and tell them not to send you money.  Maybe start with the most gullible and work your way back.

            Friend 2: You’re the first one I called.

            Friend 1: Oh.  Thanks?

            Friend 2: Whatever – just, when you see it, delete it, gotta go spend the rest of the week on the phone now, bye!  (Disconnects)

            Friend 1: (Disconnects, then stares into space) So how come I didn’t get that e-mail, then?

            (At an office)

            Co-Worker: Hey, you get that call yet?

            Friend 1: Which one?  I get all of them.

           Co-Worker: You know, the one where they call you and then hang up, so when you call back they’ve got you?

         Friend 1: Why would I call back?  They’ve clearly changed their mind about the whole conversation.

            Co-Worker: You call back to see who it is and why they called!  And that’s when they’ve got you.

            Friend 1: (Shakes head) No, that’s what the Internet’s for – just type in the phone number and the all-knowing oracle tells you exactly who it is or if it’s some nobody from nowhere who means nothing to me.

            Co-Worker: I guess – (Cell phone rings once; continues speaking while checking the number) but a lot of times you really can’t find out who it is without calling back and seeing if they really meant to call you, or maybe it’s even someone who’s been crushing on you and was too scared when calling so they hung up – (Hits the number to call it back) or maybe it’s the State Lottery and now you can retire – hold on a sec; hello?

            Voice on the Phone: YOUR SOUL IS MINE.

            Co-Worker: Dammit!

            Friend 1: (Checks phone; in a small voice) They never call me….

            (At a café table)

            Friend 2: (On the phone) Yes, yes I’m so sorry this happened.... No, I didn’t do it on purpose; I mean…. Of course I didn’t send it; if I’d needed money I’d hit up my parents…. Well maybe call the FBI…. I don’t know, I’m not the e-mail police!  Maybe call who is listed as the sender next time you get a weird message asking for a fortune and riddled with typos!  (Disconnects and heaves a sigh, crossing out another name on a notebook-sized list) I can’t take this anymore, I just can’t take this….

            Friend 1: I know, I’m so mad!

            Friend 2: Don’t tell me you got scammed too?

            Friend 1: No!  That’s the problem!

            Friend 2: Say what?

           Friend 1: Everywhere I turn around lately, it’s this one got phished, that one got Trojan horsed; even the barista here was saying the cash register got hacked and now only displays Roman numerals – it’s not fair!

            Friend 2: Wait, are you saying you want to be targeted for a rip-off?

            Friend 1: Yes!  That is exactly what I am saying!  (Slurps drink)

           Friend 2: (Gestures to the list and phone) This has been a nightmare!  Why on Earth would you ever want to join the ranks of the scammed?!

            Friend 1: No one likes being ignored.