Story 378: Just a Little Snow

 (Friend 1 rings Friend 2’s doorbell)

Friend 2: (Opens the front door in surprise) Heyyyy… what’re you doing here?

Friend 1: (Holds up bags filled with junk food) It’s our Super Bowl Party!

Friend 2: We don’t do that.

Friend 1: It’s our Valentine’s Day Junk Food Fest!

Friend 2: We don’t do that, either.

Friend 1: All right, I’m just bored.

Friend 2: I’d say “Come on in then” but we’re supposed to get about two feet of snow tonight – didn’t you hear the weather?

Friend 1: I did, and fail to see your point.

Friend 2: You might get stuck here if you stay too late.  Or at all, for that matter.

Friend 1: HA!  I was born of the North-Northeast America – I laugh in the face of feet of snow!  (Walks past Friend 2 and dives onto the couch)

 FOUR HOURS LATER

(While watching a movie and eating all the junk)

Friend 1: I’ve seen this thing a hundred times and I still always think that guy’ll live at the end.

Friend 2: That guy’s a serial killer!

Friend 1: There’s that one moment of possible redemption – the movie should end there, while I still have hope for happiness.

Friend 2: Where’s the fictional justice in that?  (Glances toward a window) Oh whoa, it’s really comin’ down.

Friend 1: Hm?  (Eats some more popcorn while looking at the window) Eh – no biggie.

Friend 2: You probably should get going; it’ll take forever to clean off your car even now and the roads’ll be terrible.

Friend 1: And miss the end of the movie?!

Friend 2: You already know how it ends!

Friend 1: And I want to see it again!  As for the rest of that – (Waves dismissively at the lint storm outside) I’ll take care of it tomorrow.

Friend 2: Oh, so you’re just inviting yourself to stay the night, is that it?

Friend 1: (Taps foot on what turns out to be an overnight bag) You won’t even know I’m here.

Friend 2: Says you.

 THE NEXT MORNING

 Friend 2: (Steps over Friend 1 in a sleeping bag on the living room floor in order to look out the window) Ooh, they barely plowed the street, and when I shovel the driveway that’s when they’ll come by and plow me in again, I just know it!

Friend 1: (Stirs noisily) Huh?  Shovel?

Friend 2: Yes, the things those of us who don’t have the luxury of a parking garage on a city street have to use.

Friend 1: (Stands and looks out the window) Pfft.  You don’t need to shovel that.

Friend 2: How else am I gonna get to work?

Friend 1: Call out?

Friend 2: Not at my job.

Friend 1: (Stares challengingly at the frozen field staring back) I’ll take care of it.

(Outside and so bundled they can barely move, Friend 1 burrows through the snow in the driveway to climb through the driver’s side door of the car parked behind Friend 2’s car)

Friend 1: (Shouting through the open window over the wind and snow resettling around the car) You see, you don’t even have to clean off your car – just turn it on and everything melts!  (Turns on the car to demonstrate)

Friend 2: Not fast enough!  There’s about three feet of snow all over!

Friend 1: It’s not a matter of degree, it’s a matter of technique.  You must WILL the car through the snow!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Observe.  (Revs the engine a bit, floors the gas pedal, changes from Reverse to Drive several times to rock the car, then suddenly bursts backward through the snow in the driveway and out onto the street) See?  Piece of cake.  Want a ride to work?

Friend 2: (Staring with feet slowly freezing) Sure, why not.

(On the highway, Friend 1 tailgates a plow/sander truck)

Friend 2: You may want to back up a bit – and slow down a bit –

Friend 1: And let the snow immediately cover the roads again?!  Never!  (Turns a corner at high speed, fishtailing slightly)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the passenger side window) Easy there, partner!

Friend 1: If we slow down or – heavens forbid – stop, we’ll never be able to start again!  The wintry mix’ll have us!

Friend 2: I don’t want to wind up hugging a telephone pole or another car, either!

Friend 1: We won’t!  Not as long as we show no hesitation, show no fear!  (Shakes a fist while driving through a yellow traffic light as it turns red)

Friend 2: And what if that was red before we got there?

Friend 1: Then I’d’ve just kept coasting till it turned green again.  (Swerves into Friend 2’s parking lot at work)

Friend 2: You can drop me off over there, and please don’t hit any of my coworkers on your way out.                                              

Friend 1: Nonsense!  I’m skipping work today, so I’ll park here and explore the Magical Winter Wonderland all around us until your shift’s over.

Friend 2: Oh-kay, but there seem to be a lot of spots not really plowed out yet –

Friend 1: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!  (Slams the car onto a snowbank, managing to stay between the parking spot lines; shuts off the engine and unlocks the doors) Have a nice day at work, sweetie!

Friend 2: (Gingerly emerges from the car) Gee, thanks – hope your car’s still in one piece by the time I get back.

Friend 1: No faith whatsoever.

 EIGHT-AND-A-HALF HOURS LATER

 (Friend 2 returns to Friend 1’s car; the snow never stopped and the car has been buried again)

Friend 2: (Gingerly lands on the passenger seat) So, enjoy your romp?

Friend 1: Yeah, for a few minutes; the snow in my face got tiresome, so I came back here and napped for the rest of the day.  (Turns on the engine)

Friend 2: Well it looks like you got plowed in a bit so you might have to dig out your back tires.

Friend 1: Please.  (With squealing tires, reverses out of the spot by slamming through the snow)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the car ceiling) You sure this isn’t a tank?!

Friend 1: (Cackles wildly) You wish!  (Flies out of the parking lot and onto the snowy streets, with giant waves of dirty slush cascading on either side of the car all the way)

Friend 2: Wait a minute, what about the snow on the roof of this thing?

Friend 1: I told you, it all melts off!  My car is magic, I say!

Friend 2: Whatever – as long as it doesn’t fly off onto someone’s windshield.

(They plow, skid, swerve, and bounce the entire way back to Friend 2’s house and bump up onto the packed driveway)

Friend 2: (Falls out of the car onto a snow mattress; holds onto the car door to stand up again) Well, thanks for the lift, and be safe getting home, OK?

Friend 1: Do you know who you’re talking to?!  (After Friend 2 flings the door shut and backs away, Friend 1 throws the car into reverse, stalls, and then stares at the dashboard in horror) Ah!  This can’t be happening!

Friend 2: What, you finally got stuck in the snow?

Friend 1: No – I ran out of gas!

Story 244: Which Roads Did You Take to Get Here?

            (Setting: New Jersey)

            Guest 1: (Sits down in a rush, speaking low) Hey.

            Guest 2: (Sitting nearby, also speaking low) Oh hey, how are you?

            Guest 1: (Takes off coat) Got stuck in traffic; didn’t mean to get here so late.

          Guest 2: That’s all right, there’s no set time to show up at these things.  (After Guest 1 is settled) Which roads did you take to get here?

            Guest 1: Oh, mainly Parkway South.

            Guest 2: (Nearly chokes) What on Earth would you do a thing like that for?!

            Guest 1: It’s the most direct way, the exit’s right over here, what was I supposed to take?

           Guest 2: Anything other than that!  Parkway South, on a Friday afternoon, in the summer, is commuter suicide, and you deliberately chose it when there are literally a dozen other routes to get here that a resident like you should know by now.  I should make you turn in your “Local” card.

            Guest 1: Ha, ha; how’d you get here then, if you’re so backroads-savvy?

           Guest 2: (Starts gesticulating to demonstrate) Well, I’m right off of Route 34, which is a gift from Heaven this time of year, so I took 34 South all the way to Route 138, then over to Route 35, cut across to Route 71, took that until it intersected with this street, then took the roundabout to the cross street so I could park five blocks away from here and get right on the highway later.  Easy peasy!

            Guest 1: Sounds unnecessarily convoluted.  I just took Parkway South and got off right over here.

            Guest 2: Yeah, and paid for it dearly, and I don’t just mean tolls.  How long did it take you to crawl the 20 miles down here with the rest of the Shore Traffic?

            Guest 1: …Two hours.

            Guest 2: Ha!  Forty-five minutes.

            Guest 1: It wasn’t just the traffic, OK?  There was an accident everyone had to stop and stare at!

            Guest 2: Wouldn’t have gotten that on Route 34.

            Guest 1: No, they probably would have closed off the entire road and you’d’ve had to detour 10 miles around it!

            Guest 2: Still would’ve been faster than the Parkway.

            Guest 3: (Sits next to Guest 2, holding a cup of water.  To Guest 1) Hi, how’ve you been?

            Guest 1: Oh fine, just arguing about which roads are worse this time of year.

            Guest 3: Oh yeah?

            Guest 2: I’ve been explaining the folly of taking Parkway South to get here.

            Guest 3: Parkway South?  In the summer?

            Guest 2: (To Guest 1) See.

            Guest 1: It was the most direct way here!  Stop judging me!

            Guest 3: Sorry, but sometimes the fastest distance between two points is not a straight line.

            Guest 2: It’s actually “the shortest distance between two points.”

            Guest 3: (Hisses) That’s the same thing I just said!

            Guest 2: Actually –

          Guest 3: Forget it; bottom line, don’t take Parkway South this time of year at all unless it’s between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m., and even then build in an extra hour just in case there’s a jackknifed tractor trailer or something.

            Guest 1: But Parkway South is the most direct!

          Guest 4: (Sitting in the row in front of them, just now turning around) I never take the Parkway in the summer.

            Guest 2: Thank you.

            Guest 1: So what do you take when you have to go a long distance south?

            Guest 4: Route 9.  (The other three stare in horror) It takes you all the way to Parkway Exit 0, and with none of the tolls.

            Guest 2: Route… 9????

            Guest 4: It’s not all bad.  Towards the end it’s actually quite lovely.

            Guest 2: Why would you willingly throw yourself into the disaster that is Route 9 all the way south, when you could just as easily take Route 34 to 35 to 70 to 539 –

            Guest 1: (To Guest 2) You know, I’m surprised you have any gas left in your car with all the circuitous routes you take in your life.

            Guest 2: I have a 10-minute daily commute and I refuse to be stuck in traffic ever again!

          Guest 4: I’ve accepted traffic as I’ve accepted taxes, but full disclosure: the only reason I happened upon Route 9 as a substitute parallel road is because I’m currently in toll payment jail.

           Guest 1: Well, stinks to be you, but I’m still taking the Parkway when it’s the most direct route.

            Guest 2: Why are you willfully ignoring the glory of bypassing that infernal morass by just taking Route 34?!

            Guest 1: Because 34 also has traffic and has four circles – who actually thought that circles instead of lights would be faster?!  And safer?!  The sudden lane-changing and non-yielding have nearly killed me every time!

            Guest 3: I prefer roundabouts myself.

            Guest 1: There are no words for you.

            Guest 5: (Approaches the group) Hi guys.

            Guests 1-4: Hey.

           Guest 5: They’re going to be wrapping up here soon, if you’d like to pay your respects one last time – ?

            Guest 1: Oh, right!  (Rushes to kneel in front of the casket)

            Guest 4: I should head over there, too – I forgot to drop off the card. (Follows Guest 1)

            (Guest 2 and Guest 3 sit in silence for a few moments)

            Guest 2: You know, Grandpa would’ve agreed with me about Route 34.

           Guest 3: I think he would’ve agreed with me in telling you to quit while you’re ahead.