(In a family dining room on Thanksgiving, a long table and several extensions are surrounded by seated relatives in order of descending age. The main poultry and bajillion sides cover the tables, and everyone waits to begin)
Relative 1: (Raises a glass) All right all, before we start the gluttony let’s have a few words of thanks – not from everyone, that would take forever – (The others relax with a sigh) but how about one of the quote-unquote “Senior Members” of our family, eh? (Elbows Relative 2 in the next seat) That’d be you.
Relative 2: Heh? Oh yeah, I guess that would be me. Suppose I can whip up a few words to start us off. (Stands and raises a glass) Firstly, I’m thankful we’re all here together for yet another year of these shenanigans.
Other Relatives: Awwwww.
Relative 2: Yes, it does my heart good to see two, three, four… five? Five generations at this table – (Baby cries on cue and is whisked away, not to be seen again for the rest of the meal) and how lucky we are that we’re still able to meet like this, year after year after year after year after… anyway, we’re lucky this one here – (Gestures to Relative 3) still volunteers to host this thing, what, 17 years running now?
Relative 3: Twenty, actually – please don’t let that discourage you all from wanting to take over next year though, it’s a lot of fun, really! (Looks expectantly around the table as everyone else stares at their plate)
Relative 2: Ah yes, the delicious food, the same every time but we all love it: the day-long-cooked turkey, the lumpy mashed potatoes – (Relative 4 looks up sharply) the cranberries that never come out quite right – (Relative 5 slowly tears a roll into pieces) the salad that’s supposed to be good for digestion but comes too late for all of us at that point – (Relative 6 sharply breaks the wishbone) and this other thing in a casserole dish that I never eat and never remember what exactly it is –
Relative 7: Succotash! Every year, it’s succotash!
Relative 2: Yeah, gonna forget that in five seconds – all this, down our gullets in a good 10 minutes after literal days of prep, and everyone really is just biding their time for the apple pie and brownies later anyway – (Relative 3 softly grinds teeth) reminds me of the time back in 198…7? Or was it `86? I think my second kid was born by then….
(At one of the junior tables, Relative 8 is unobtrusively reading on a cell phone and brings up the headline: “Did You Know: The UK Title of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone Was Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone?” Relative 8’s eyes slowly widen in horror)
Relative 2: You know, I think it was actually 1993, right before we had that freak ice blizzard, you know, the one with the five-foot-deep frozen snow? Anyway, back in `93 – or was it `94? I think we had another ice blizzard then, too – when whoever it was hosting was so focused on all the sides that they forgot the actual turkey! Clean-up certainly was a lot faster that year. It’s funny, all my life I don’t think I’ve once done the dishes after a family get-together, although I have put away all the chairs and tables each and every time, which is a pain in the neck and a pain in the back, let me tell you…. Speaking of chairs –
Relative 9: OH MY GOSH, can we eat already, please?!
Relative 2: I’d say that was rude, if I wasn’t secretly hoping someone would stop me – the panic was starting to set in.
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