DECEMBER 23
Friend 2: (Answers the phone while baking cookies) Hi – what’s up?
Friend 1: (On the phone while walking through a beyond-crowded mall) Oh, not much: just doing my annual last-minute holiday shopping, same as the rest of the world here with me right now. (Waves to the crowds)
Crowds: (Waving to Friend 1) Hiiiiiii!!!! (Resume frenzy)
Friend 1: You done with your shopping yet?
Friend 2: Hanukkah was over three weeks ago this year, so, yeah.
Friend 1: Right. Lucky.
Friend 2: Also lucky you and I don’t exchange gifts – one less person to shop for.
Friend 1: Best present ever. I should be done here in another three hours, but the mall closes in two so everyone’ll just have to take whatever I wind up with by then.
Friend 2: That’s the spirit.
Friend 1: (Passing by a card store) Shoot, I just remembered I also have to get more wrapping paper and bows and all that garbage – maybe four hours.
Friend 2: Why not just get gift bags for everybody? Then you can throw whatever gift in there and fluff some tissue paper around it and that’s that: minimal effort involved.
Friend 1: Ugh, who wants all gift bags?! That’s the lazy way out – Christmas unequivocally requires tearing apart massive amounts of paper and high-tensile ribbon to reveal the glory within.
Friend 2: If you say so. Might be easier on you, though – I’ve seen your wrapping in action, and it’s not pretty.
Friend 1: What?! I know how to wrap! (Teenagers passing by start to lay down a beat; to Teenagers) Not “rap” – (Holds up all the shopping bags) “wrap!”
Teenagers: (In realization) Ohhhhhh.... (Move along)
Friend 2: You may know in theory, but the reality has a bit lost in translation.
Friend 1: I’ll show you! I’ll show ALL OF YOU!
Friend 2: Who else are you talking to?
Friend 1: You know – The World.
Friend 2: `K, I’ll let you get to it then – bye. (Disconnects the call and leisurely starts a new batch of cookies while humming) I love this time of year.
Friend 1: (Scrambles to put away the phone, dropping every other bag) I hate this time of year!
Mall Loudspeaker: Attention, shoppers: the mall will be closing in 30 minutes – we ask at this time that you please begin to get out –
Friend 1: WHAT?! (Drops the remaining bags while scrambling to look at a watch) HOW DID I LOSE TWO HOURS?!
Parent: (Passing by, surrounded by small children) Very easily.
DECEMBER 24
(In apartment, Friend 1 is sitting on the living room floor surrounded by gifts, wrapping paper, bows, ribbons, gift bags, tissue paper, tags, and a pen)
Friend 1: Right. Start with the biggest one first. (Grabs an asymmetrical package) Well, no one’d actually expect this this to be wrapped. (Dumps it into a large gift bag, writes on the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in satisfaction at the end result) Right. Next! (Grabs a rectangular department store box, measures the paper, cuts, and tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) Grrrrrr – no, no, mustn’t flip out, I can use the paper for something else, we’ll just try again. (Measures the paper, cuts, and tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) GRRRR – OK, skip the box, this’ll be a great gift bag, too. (Dumps the lump of cloth that was in the box into a large gift bag, writes on the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in satisfaction at the end result) Right. Next! (Grabs a smaller box) OK, can’t mess this one up, right? (Measures the paper, cuts, and fits it perfectly around the box) Heh-heh-heh-heh – (Reaches for the tape and realizes there is none) Son of a – !
ONE HOUR LATER
(Friend 1 returns from the local office supply store, slams the front door shut, rips off coat, hat, and gloves, plops back onto the living room floor, rips open the tape box, and inserts the roll into the dispenser, grumbling the whole time)
Friend 1: (Taping the perfectly wrapped box) If one more person gets in my way – I did not cut you in line, you tried to cut me – whoever designed that parking lot hates people – maybe if you put your shopping cat in the conveniently located corral like a decent human being, it wouldn’t have hit both our cars later – (Finishes the tag and views the box) Ah? Ahahahahaha! I did it! Take that! (Takes a picture of the wrapped gift and sends it to Friend 2; typing) “In… your… face….” (Sends the message and tosses the phone to the floor) Saying I can’t wrap – maybe you can’t wrap. (Starts on the next gift and receives a message notification)
Friend 2’s Message: Fluke.
Friend 1: (Angrily typing) “Who… asked… you?!”
Friend 2’s Message. (Several seconds later) You did.
Friend 1: (Angrily typing) “Leave me alone, I need to wrap presents for my loving family!” (Tosses away the phone)
Friend 2’s Unread Message: You’re ridonkulous.
(Friend 1 wraps the remaining gifts in a whirlwind of activity – most of the packages have crooked seams, barely meeting edges, bulging sides, multiple layers of paper to cover bare sections, and bows, ribbons, and tags anywhere and everywhere)
Friend 1: (Stands up on cramped legs, surveying the disaster) Well, they’ll just have to like it or lump it.
DECEMBER 25
(At Friend 1’s parents’ house, the family tears apart the hours of wrapping to reveal the glory within)
Friend 1: (Wearing a new fuzzy sweater over pajamas) Well Fam, another good haul this year – I thank ye.
Mother: Yes, thank you both, now let’s clean up this mess.
Father: I’ll get the trash bags. (Trots out of the living room, brushing wrapping debris off of clothes on the way)
Friend 1: (To Mother) I have to ask: honestly, does my wrapping make you ashamed to call me your child?
Mother: Oh honey, why does it even matter?
Friend 1: It’s been brought to my attention, and by asking why it matters you’re revealing that it does.
Mother: (Laughs and hugs Friend 1) Sweetie. (Pulls back) You’re being ridonkulous. (Grabs several gifts to start putting things away)
Friend 1: (Stares at the brightly lit and overly decorated Christmas tree, then looks over at the nativity scene on the nearby table; addresses the newly added Baby Jesus) I guess we should all be thankful I don’t have to wrap you.
