Story 486: Easter Blizzard

Relative 1: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to snow on Easter Sunday, right?  Really badly.

Host: (On the phone) I did hear that vile rumor, and I refuse to lend it any credence: unlike the rest of the world, including the Equator, our area’s had zippo snow this winter, and I absolutely reject buying into the circulating gossip that our one and only blizzard this go-round will arrive post-post-season in the middle of April!

Relative 1: Well, believe it or not; either way, nobody’s showing up at your house for dinner that day.

Host: I’ve got 15 pounds of ham here!  And all that charcuterie!

Relative 1: Maybe save it for Mother’s Day?

Host: You’re no help.

 EASTER SUNDAY

(Host wakes up suddenly, jumps out of bed, runs to the window, throws back the curtains, and takes in the winter wonderland continuously buried by sideways snowfall)

Host: Holy heavens – how is he supposed to rise in this?!

(Some time later, Host is awkwardly shoveling the driveway in a losing battle when the cell phone rings.  Flinging the shovel away and using teeth to tear off a glove, Host unzips several layers of coats to take the phone out of an inner pocket)

Host: (Screaming against the ice-ridden wind) HELLO?!

Relative 1: (Relaxing on an armchair with feet propped up on a cushioned stool in front of a roaring fire, and sipping hot tea) Don’t tell me you’re actually shoveling out your driveway for nonexistent guests.

Host: NOT EVERYONE CANCELLED!

Relative 1: Yeah, bet they’re the same ones who didn’t bother to tell you they were coming in the first place, either.

Host: …IT WAS ASSUMED THEY WERE!

Relative 1: Wait until the snow’s over to shovel it all out; just go back inside and enjoy your ham, `cause I know you cooked it anyway.

Host: IT WAS ALREADY DEFROSTING!

Relative 1: I hear ya.  Whelp, Happy Easter to you – don’t throw out your back.

Host: HAPPY EASTER TO YOU – (The wind almost blows the phone away; Host scrambles to get it back) TOOOOOO!!!!!

Relative 1: (As both end the call) Poor sap.  (Takes a nap)

(After finally realizing that the snow being shoveled is replaced immediately, Host re-enters the house, throws the coats, boots, gloves, and hats into the laundry room, slams the door, and enters the kitchen to check on the ham)

Host: (Opens the oven door) Roast, my lovely, roast.  (Hears the cell phone ringing inside the laundry room) Shoot.  (Slams shut the oven door and flings open the laundry room door to paw through the coats until the phone is found and answered) Hello?

Relative 2: Hey, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the fam and I aren’t going to make it there today.

Host: I figured.

Relative 2: Yeah, just can’t get going today for some reason.  Sorry also for calling so last-minute – everybody else is already there by now, I bet.

Host: (As the house shudders with a giant blast of wind) No, not really.

Relative 2: Ah, well, you always get a few cancellations at these get-togethers, that’s how it goes.  Happy Easter anyway, and Happy Spring!  (Ends the call)

Host: (Stares at the silent phone) Was that one calling from the Sun?!

(Later that afternoon, after ham dinner-for-one, Host lies on the couch while watching the wintry outdoors; the snowdrifts are now climbing up the windows)

Host: (Unwraps a chocolate bunny and bites off the head) My poor pansies.  (CHOMP) Poor birds.  (CHOMP)  Poor trees, poor grass, poor flowers, poor spring babies.  (CHOMP)  Poor ham, poor appetizers, poor desserts.  (Finishes the bunny and smacks lips in satisfaction) Ahhhh… at least one thing went right today.  (Looks again out the window, which is nearly a wall of white) Well, guess we’ll just have to look forward to a summer of 100°F for months on end to make up for this.

Story 378: Just a Little Snow

 (Friend 1 rings Friend 2’s doorbell)

Friend 2: (Opens the front door in surprise) Heyyyy… what’re you doing here?

Friend 1: (Holds up bags filled with junk food) It’s our Super Bowl Party!

Friend 2: We don’t do that.

Friend 1: It’s our Valentine’s Day Junk Food Fest!

Friend 2: We don’t do that, either.

Friend 1: All right, I’m just bored.

Friend 2: I’d say “Come on in then” but we’re supposed to get about two feet of snow tonight – didn’t you hear the weather?

Friend 1: I did, and fail to see your point.

Friend 2: You might get stuck here if you stay too late.  Or at all, for that matter.

Friend 1: HA!  I was born of the North-Northeast America – I laugh in the face of feet of snow!  (Walks past Friend 2 and dives onto the couch)

 FOUR HOURS LATER

(While watching a movie and eating all the junk)

Friend 1: I’ve seen this thing a hundred times and I still always think that guy’ll live at the end.

Friend 2: That guy’s a serial killer!

Friend 1: There’s that one moment of possible redemption – the movie should end there, while I still have hope for happiness.

Friend 2: Where’s the fictional justice in that?  (Glances toward a window) Oh whoa, it’s really comin’ down.

Friend 1: Hm?  (Eats some more popcorn while looking at the window) Eh – no biggie.

Friend 2: You probably should get going; it’ll take forever to clean off your car even now and the roads’ll be terrible.

Friend 1: And miss the end of the movie?!

Friend 2: You already know how it ends!

Friend 1: And I want to see it again!  As for the rest of that – (Waves dismissively at the lint storm outside) I’ll take care of it tomorrow.

Friend 2: Oh, so you’re just inviting yourself to stay the night, is that it?

Friend 1: (Taps foot on what turns out to be an overnight bag) You won’t even know I’m here.

Friend 2: Says you.

 THE NEXT MORNING

 Friend 2: (Steps over Friend 1 in a sleeping bag on the living room floor in order to look out the window) Ooh, they barely plowed the street, and when I shovel the driveway that’s when they’ll come by and plow me in again, I just know it!

Friend 1: (Stirs noisily) Huh?  Shovel?

Friend 2: Yes, the things those of us who don’t have the luxury of a parking garage on a city street have to use.

Friend 1: (Stands and looks out the window) Pfft.  You don’t need to shovel that.

Friend 2: How else am I gonna get to work?

Friend 1: Call out?

Friend 2: Not at my job.

Friend 1: (Stares challengingly at the frozen field staring back) I’ll take care of it.

(Outside and so bundled they can barely move, Friend 1 burrows through the snow in the driveway to climb through the driver’s side door of the car parked behind Friend 2’s car)

Friend 1: (Shouting through the open window over the wind and snow resettling around the car) You see, you don’t even have to clean off your car – just turn it on and everything melts!  (Turns on the car to demonstrate)

Friend 2: Not fast enough!  There’s about three feet of snow all over!

Friend 1: It’s not a matter of degree, it’s a matter of technique.  You must WILL the car through the snow!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Observe.  (Revs the engine a bit, floors the gas pedal, changes from Reverse to Drive several times to rock the car, then suddenly bursts backward through the snow in the driveway and out onto the street) See?  Piece of cake.  Want a ride to work?

Friend 2: (Staring with feet slowly freezing) Sure, why not.

(On the highway, Friend 1 tailgates a plow/sander truck)

Friend 2: You may want to back up a bit – and slow down a bit –

Friend 1: And let the snow immediately cover the roads again?!  Never!  (Turns a corner at high speed, fishtailing slightly)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the passenger side window) Easy there, partner!

Friend 1: If we slow down or – heavens forbid – stop, we’ll never be able to start again!  The wintry mix’ll have us!

Friend 2: I don’t want to wind up hugging a telephone pole or another car, either!

Friend 1: We won’t!  Not as long as we show no hesitation, show no fear!  (Shakes a fist while driving through a yellow traffic light as it turns red)

Friend 2: And what if that was red before we got there?

Friend 1: Then I’d’ve just kept coasting till it turned green again.  (Swerves into Friend 2’s parking lot at work)

Friend 2: You can drop me off over there, and please don’t hit any of my coworkers on your way out.                                              

Friend 1: Nonsense!  I’m skipping work today, so I’ll park here and explore the Magical Winter Wonderland all around us until your shift’s over.

Friend 2: Oh-kay, but there seem to be a lot of spots not really plowed out yet –

Friend 1: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!  (Slams the car onto a snowbank, managing to stay between the parking spot lines; shuts off the engine and unlocks the doors) Have a nice day at work, sweetie!

Friend 2: (Gingerly emerges from the car) Gee, thanks – hope your car’s still in one piece by the time I get back.

Friend 1: No faith whatsoever.

 EIGHT-AND-A-HALF HOURS LATER

 (Friend 2 returns to Friend 1’s car; the snow never stopped and the car has been buried again)

Friend 2: (Gingerly lands on the passenger seat) So, enjoy your romp?

Friend 1: Yeah, for a few minutes; the snow in my face got tiresome, so I came back here and napped for the rest of the day.  (Turns on the engine)

Friend 2: Well it looks like you got plowed in a bit so you might have to dig out your back tires.

Friend 1: Please.  (With squealing tires, reverses out of the spot by slamming through the snow)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the car ceiling) You sure this isn’t a tank?!

Friend 1: (Cackles wildly) You wish!  (Flies out of the parking lot and onto the snowy streets, with giant waves of dirty slush cascading on either side of the car all the way)

Friend 2: Wait a minute, what about the snow on the roof of this thing?

Friend 1: I told you, it all melts off!  My car is magic, I say!

Friend 2: Whatever – as long as it doesn’t fly off onto someone’s windshield.

(They plow, skid, swerve, and bounce the entire way back to Friend 2’s house and bump up onto the packed driveway)

Friend 2: (Falls out of the car onto a snow mattress; holds onto the car door to stand up again) Well, thanks for the lift, and be safe getting home, OK?

Friend 1: Do you know who you’re talking to?!  (After Friend 2 flings the door shut and backs away, Friend 1 throws the car into reverse, stalls, and then stares at the dashboard in horror) Ah!  This can’t be happening!

Friend 2: What, you finally got stuck in the snow?

Friend 1: No – I ran out of gas!

Story 352: I Conquered Seasickness – Now I Am Invincible!

            (On the phone)

            Friend 1: Hey, what’s up?

            Friend 2: Hi – one of my coworkers gave me two dolphin watch tickets they can’t use now – wanna go?  It’s for this Sunday.

         Friend 1: Uh, sorry, what?  We’re swimming with the dolphins?  `Cause that’s unnatural, you know, for them.

           Friend 2: No, we’re just watching them: you go out on a boat and they usually swim right up and show off.

            Friend 1: Oh.  All right, I guess I can go then, I’m always available.

            Friend 2: Great!

            Friend 1: But maybe not, `cause I get seasick.

            Friend 2: Since when?

            Friend 1: Since forever.

            Friend 2: You went on plenty of ferry rides for field trips back when we were in school!

            Friend 1: OK, maybe I was fine then, but ever since puberty, wham!  Over the rails.  I haven’t been on a boat in 20 years.

            Friend 2: Wow, I never noticed.

           Friend 1: Yeah, it’s not something that comes up naturally in conversation.  So, it may put a bit of a crimp in my enjoyment of this little sojourn.

            Friend 2: Hmmm, that it would.  Hang on, how about if you take --------- before we go?

            Friend 1: Never tried it.  What’re the side effects?

            Friend 2: Don’t know, but check it out; most people who get seasick swear by it.

            Friend 1: Sure, I’ll go get some, but it’s rude to swear.

            Friend 2: …Yeah, see you on Sunday.

SUNDAY

            (At a dock next to a dolphin watch ship, Friend 2 waits on the bobbing pier as storm clouds threaten overhead.  Friend 1 strolls over without hesitation on the shifting boards, beaming widely)

            Friend 1: Howdy-howdy-howdy!  And how are we this fine morning?

            Friend 2: Did you get my message?

            Friend 1: No.  (Checks phone) Oh there it is.

           Friend 2: It’s going to pour any minute, but the company said the boat’s still going out because it’s supposed to clear up later, so I called to see if you still wanted to go since the water’s gonna be really rough.

            Friend 1: Clearly we both do.  Shall we commence boarding this here dinghy yonder?

            Friend 2: I’m guessing you took the ---------, then?

          Friend 1: I took TWO!  (Starts bouncing up and down with the pier bobbing higher and higher) Who knew what I was missing all these years, wheeee!!!

           Friend 2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Let’s just get on board before I change my mind.

            (The passengers and crew board the ship and they set off into increasingly choppy waters and pouring rain; Friends 1 and 2 find seats on the upper deck)

         Friend 1: (Pointing) Look!  A seagull!  (Pointing) Look!  A buoy!  (Pointing) Look!  A swimming human!

            Friend 2: We haven’t left the harbor yet.

          Friend 1: I know, and already there’s so much to see!  (The ship increases speed and starts heaving up and down in the waves) Yippee, we even get a thrill ride on top of everything else, this is AWESOME!

            Friend 2: (Turning pale) And we haven’t left the harbor yet.

           Friend 1: You already said that.  (Rummages in a knapsack and holds out food) By the way, I grabbed our complimentary muffins when we got here – want yours now?

            Friend 2: (Stares at the muffin and swallows with difficulty) No thank you.

            Friend 1: I’ll save it for later.  (Munches on the other muffin)

            (Several minutes later, dolphins are spotted near the ship)

            Friend 1: (Runs on a downward slant towards a side railing) Awwww, they’re so cute!  Look at them frolic!  Hello, fellow mammals, I wish we could return to our home in the sea and hang out with you all forever!

            Friend 2: (Holding onto the back of a bench as the ship sways) Not right now, I don’t.

           Friend 1: You should come over and see this!  They’re so many of them all around as if they’re trying to herd us inland, and the lighting shows off their shiny skin wonderfully!

           Friend 2: (Stands unsteadily) I’m going to head downstairs for a bit.  (Lurches down the stairs)

           Friend 1: Sure thing – watch your step, the whole deck is soaked!  (Hears clicking from the dolphins’ echolocation and looks down at the nearest group) What’s that?  “Go back to shore, you stupid land animals”?  Freakin’ adorable.

            (Later, Friend 2 is seated in the lower deck and leaning against a window when Friend 1 plops down on the same bench)

            Friend 1: (Drinking from a bottle and holding out another to Friend 2) Juice?  This was free, too.

            Friend 2: (Looks at the bottle and turns green) Please get that thing away from me.

           Friend 1: All righty.  (Does so) I don’t get it – everyone here is acting all droopy, barely even glancing at a single dolphin in the hundreds out there, and they all actually paid money to be here!  (The ship dips very low, then high up while cresting a wave; there are many moans and groans) Yesssss!!!!  This is so much better than a roller coaster, I swear!

            Friend 2: (Bent over while seated, head between knees) I thought it was rude to swear.

            Friend 1: Well, this is a day of many firsts in my life, let me tell you.  (Suddenly looks out the window and points) Oh wow, the rain’s coming down in actual curtains and that big ol’ whale still is coming up for air!  Nature is absolutely amazing!

            Friend 2: Can you scootch over so I can lie down?

            Friend 1: Hm?  Oh sure, I’m actually going to head back up top: no one else is out there now, so I figured I can climb on top of the wheelhouse and really get a good view!

            Friend 2: (Lies down while Friend 1 leaves) That’s great, go to town, bye-bye.

            (Several minutes later, Friend 1 shakes Friend 2 awake)

            Friend 2: Huh?  Is it finally over?

           Friend 1: What?  No, I just wanted to let you know the crew abandoned ship so I’ll be at the helm steering us back to shore if you need anything.

            Friend 2: (Bolts upright) WHAT?!

           Friend 1: It’s OK, it’s got a steering wheel like a car and the engines are still running so all I’ve gotta do is aim and brake, bye!  (Runs back upstairs, whistling a sea chanty)

          (Friend 2 slowly stands as the ship sways wildly, sees the quickly approaching beach, and screams with the other passengers as they run aground)

            Friend 1: (At the helm) THIS IS THE BEST TRIP EVER!  (Somehow holds onto the helm so as not to go flying through the front window when the ship crashes)

           (Later as emergency services assist the passengers now on the beach, Friend 2 finds Friend 1 sitting on a random boulder and staring out at the now-calm ocean)

            Friend 2: Well, that could’ve gone much worse.

            Friend 1: Uh-huh.

           Friend 2: I mean, aside from some bumps and bruises, everyone’s surprisingly all right.

            Friend 1: Oh good.

          Friend 2: Yeah, so I just heard now the company that ran this tour wasn’t certified – I should’ve checked it out when I was given the tickets, but who thinks when you get something for free, right?

            Friend 1: You said it.

            Friend 2: You OK?

            Friend 1: …I think I’m crashing.

            Friend 2: You already crashed – splendidly, I might add; we all owe you one.

           Friend 1: No, I mean from the ---------.  I think it’s starting to wear off, and it’s kicking my butt on the way out.  (Looks at Friend 2 with heavy eyelids)

            Friend 2: Oh.  (Sits on the boulder and puts a blanket around Friend 1) Want to take a nap?

           Friend 1: Maybe.  (Leans head on Friend 2’s shoulder) You know the weirdest thing about all this?

            Friend 2: I wouldn’t know where to start.

           Friend 1: It’s just that, I know their jaws are fixed like that, and I’m probably projecting, but the whole time we were out there, I’m certain the dolphins were laughing at us.

            Friend 2: I’d believe it.