Story 484: Get Me to the Plane on Time

 (In a mega airport, Passenger 1 and Passenger 2 stand on the serpentine security line that spans two wings of the terminal)

Passenger 1: (Constantly leaning to each side to look ahead as the line slightly shuffles forward every 30 seconds) Oooh, it’s barely moving, and I think the section ahead of us has gotten longer!

Passenger 2: (Watching a heartwarming kitten video on a phone, not looking up) Relax: long as it’s moving.  (Still watches the video as everyone advances 5 inches)

Passenger 1: Barely!  (Checks watch) We’ll be lucky if we make it to our gate before the plane takes off, and we got here three hours ago!

Passenger 2: No big deal – they all know the line here is extra-long, they’ll hold the plane.

Passenger 1: No they won’t!  They’ll just tell us we should’ve gotten here last night!  (Sees an airport security officer pulling the retractable belt from one nearby stanchion to another, extending the line they are one just as they were about to make the next turn closer to the checkpoint, and points at the belt in accusation) See?!  See?!  We just got an hour added to our wait time!

Passenger 2: (Chuckling at the cute video) Heh-heh-heh – what?  (Finally looks up and sees the newly extended line) Eh; it happens.  (Returns to the video and blocks out the world again)

Passenger 1: That tears it!  (Leans over the line’s retractable belt a bit and holds out a boarding pass to get the attention of a passing employee) Excuse me, hard-working worker?

Security Officer 1: (Stops) You have five seconds to state your case.

Passenger 1: We’ve been on this never-ending line for hours and our plane leaves in less than 30 minutes.

Security Officer 1: (Peers at the boarding pass) Yeah, that’s pretty much the theme of the millennium.

Passenger 1: I normally don’t like to make a fuss –

Passenger 2: (Back to not looking up) Sure you do.

Passenger 1: – but as you can see, we probably won’t be through this line until at least tomorrow, and there’s a slight chance the plane won’t still be here by then.

Security Officer 1: Gotcha.  (Lifts up one side of the belt for the two to pass through) Follow me, please.

Everyone Else on Line: HEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

Security Officer 1: They’ve served their time!

Everyone Else on Line: Grumble – mutter – rhubarb –

(Security Officer 1 guides Passenger 1 and Passenger 2 to the checkpoint where they show their IDs and deposit their carry-on bags, shoes, jackets, and phones onto the conveyor belt for the luggage scanner as they walk through the body scanners)

Security Officer 2: (To Passenger 1 as the body scanner goes off) Step over here, please.

Passenger 1: (Still holding hands above head) What?!  What?!

Security Officer 2: Pardon me?

Passenger 1: (Whispers) I meant, “What?”

Security Officer 2: Have to do a brief pat-down of your left leg that set off the scanner.

Passenger 1: We all know that I moved too early and the thing’s super-sensitive!

Security Officer 2: You want this to turn into a body cavity search?  `Cause I don’t.

Passenger 1: Please proceed with your original plan.

Security Officer 2: (After a brief pat-down of the left leg) All good, thank you, get out of here.

Passenger 1: (Quickly trots away) Thank you for keeping us all safe!  (Reaches the conveyor belt and suddenly stops, staring at the end where everyone’s belongings appear) Where are my shoes?

Security Officer 3: (Holds up a messenger bag) This your bag?

Passenger 1: Yessss….

Security Officer 3: I have to search it since the scanner couldn’t see through to what you have in here.

Passenger 1: For the love of – please proceed.

Security Officer 3: (Opens the bag and uses a stick to move items around) Looks all right, but your wallet was blocking everything else – you have a lot of change in there?

Passenger 1: (Grabs shoes and starts putting them on) Yes, I have 97¢ in pennies.

Security Officer 3: Seriously?

Passenger 1: Everyone wants exact change!

Security Officer 3: (Hands back the bag) Not in pennies – enjoy your flight.

Passenger 1: (Takes the bag and puts on jacket) No one ever does!  But thanks.  (Finds Passenger 2 sitting on a nearby bench, still watching kitten videos) And where were you this whole time?!

Passenger 2: Here.  The employee who helped us earlier said we can catch a shuttle bus outside that’ll take us to the gate in… (Checks watch) less than five minutes.

Passenger 1: (Also checks watch) Probably’ll get there in time to see the plane take off, but let’s go!

(They follow signs for the exit to the intra-airport shuttle bus; once outside, they descend a staircase to the tarmac and join a group of passengers waiting)

Passenger 1: (To one of the group) You waiting for the bus to Gate 1,372?

Passenger 3: Yeah, but I’m heading for Gate 954 – should drop us off somewhere near both.

Passenger 1: (Starts bouncing lightly on feet while peering in the distance for the bus) We’re not gonna make it in time….

Passenger 3: I wouldn’t worry; flights are always delayed.

Passenger 1: And yet the door’ll be slammed shut right on time!  Maybe.

Passenger 3: We should be in luck – I heard the employee on the bus used to be a race car driver.

Passenger 1: Huh?

(The group turns as one as a squeal of tires announces an accordion bus wildly rounding the corner and skidding to a screeching halt in front of them)

Bus Driver: (After the door opens) No time to waste; get-in-get-in-get-in!

Passenger 4: (In a wheelchair) Excuse me, do you have – ?

Bus Driver: Yes!  (Already had started the mechanism for the wheelchair lift to descend; squeezes past the boarding passengers to exit the bus, grabs the wheelchair, hauls Passenger 4 onto the lift, runs back into the bus, and retracts the lift so Passenger 4 can board)

Passenger 4: (Wheels to an open space in the seating area) How… efficient.

Bus Driver: (After the last passenger has boarded) Everyone in? 

Passengers: Yes.

Bus Driver: (Flings the door shut) Right – AND AWAY WE GO!  (Floors it)

Child Passengers: YAYYYYY!!!!!!

Adult Passengers: AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Passenger 1: (Looking green) No fair; I’m not supposed to feel airsick before the flight!

Passenger 2: (Holds onto a railing with one hand and the phone with the other) All part of the adventure, I guess.

(The bus screeches through twists and turns, avoiding planes and ground crew with inches to spare, then slams to a halt several minutes later)

Bus Driver: (Opens the door and prepares the wheelchair lift) This is your stop – off you go!

Passenger 1: (On the way out) Do you know how close we are to Gate 1,3 –

Bus Driver: All I know is the road – OUT! (Passenger 1 runs down the steps) Got another bunch of sad sacks waiting for me at the next stop; it never ends!  (Retracts the lift after Passenger 4 disembarks, closes the door, and screeches and bounces away down the tarmac)

Passenger 1: (Catches up to Passenger 2 on a staircase leading back into the airport) Great – now what?

Passenger 2: Follow everyone else back inside and find signs for the gates.

Passenger 1: Oh yeah.  (They re-enter the terminal and find signs for the gates)  Yes!  (Points to the corresponding sign) It’s right down this hallway!  (Begins to run past the pop-up stores and food stands)

Passenger 2: (Walking with the phone ahead) Sweet.

(They reach the end of the hallway)

Passenger 1: (Starts spinning in a circle) Gate 1,371… Gate 1,373… Where’s 1,372?!

Passenger 2: Maybe it’s invisible.

Passenger 1: (Stares) If you don’t start helping me look in about two seconds, I, a full-grown adult, will sit down right here on this semi-dirty floor and start crying like a baby, I swear.

Passenger 2: (Looks up briefly and gestures with the phone) Sign says it’s downstairs.

Passenger 1: (Turns around to see the sign, then turns back) Well that’s just nonsensical gate placement.  (They run down the escalator, pass the empty seats in the waiting area, and arrive at the boarding desk)

Passenger 1: (Holds out the boarding pass, which is extremely rumpled now) Hello, yes, we’re here with – (Checks watch) one minute to spare, so you must let us on board.  Every single employee in this building can tell you the tremendous lines we’ve had to deal with – not that I’m complaining.

Gate Agent: Didn’t you hear the announcements?  Flight’s been cancelled, but I can help you book a new flight for tomorrow.

Passenger 2: (Without looking up) Heh-heh-heh.

Gate Agent: I also can help book a hotel for you to stay tonight.

Passenger 1: …That’s OK, we’ll wait right here.

Story 445: Sidewalks Are for Losers: Public Service Announcement

 (Scene of a residential suburban street: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic)

Announcer: (Voiceover) Has this ever happened to you?

(A car turns the corner, stops suddenly behind Pedestrian 1, and blares the horn until the latter skitters onto the sidewalk)

Announcer: (V.O.) You’re walking along, minding your own business, when some car forces you off the very road you have just as much right to be on as they do?  (Pedestrian 1 and Driver shake fists at each other)

(Scene cuts to a strip mall parking lot: Pedestrian 2 walks across parking spots parallel to a sidewalk that would have led to the same destination; cars screech to a stop in the lanes or while backing out of spaces; drivers yell unintelligible abuse out of their windows)

Announcer: (V.O.) How much harassment must be endured before we say, “Enough is enough”?

(Scene cuts to a busy highway: Announcer is standing on a grassy median in the middle of the two-way traffic; horns occasionally blare as the cars zoom by) As a pedestrian, you know that you have the right of way.  But did you know that you have the right of way any time, any place, any situation?  So few of us seem to be aware that we can walk absolutely wherever we want, whenever we want; Big Automotive, however, takes any chance it can get to force us off of what it considers to be “its” roads.  Excuse me, but who built those roads?  Pedestrians!  What came before the wheel?  Feet!  (Starts walking across lanes of traffic while still addressing the camera; cars slam to a stop and nearly crash into each other, horns and voices now screaming) So, I’m asking you to join me today, fellow pedestrians, to literally take back our streets!  (Trots the last few feet to the other side of the highway, narrowly missing a front fender)

(Scene cuts to a residential development: a line of cars slowly crawls as Pedestrians 3 and 4 stroll down the middle of the street)

Announcer: (V.O.) Don’t let these bully cars herd us onto so-called “safe” walkways just so we can be out of their way!  We’re not cattle!  (Pedestrians 3 and 4 stop walking and begin to chat animatedly with each other, still in the middle of the street; the cars turn off their engines)

(Scene cuts to a metropolitan city street: bumper-to-bumper traffic barely moves as pedestrians walk all over six car lanes and two bike lanes)

Announcer: (V.O.) Cities are made for human beings, not buses and taxis!  They should get out of our way!

(Scene cuts to the same residential suburban street shown at the beginning: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic when a car turns the corner and stops suddenly behind the former; this time, Pedestrian 1 stares down the car until the latter reverses onto the previous street and waits as Pedestrian 1 now skips diagonally back and forth across the road)

            (Scene cuts to an airport: Announcer stands smack dab in the middle of the runway as planes take off and land overhead)

Announcer: So, stand up for yourselves!  Walk where you please!  Step aside and wait for no machine!  This is a pedestrian’s world – automobiles are just living in it!  And always remember: sidewalks are for losers!  Never yield!  Never – (Suddenly holds a hand up to an earpiece and listens) Yeah, we’re almost wrapped, what’s up?... What do you mean, the title actually was “Sidewalks Are Not for Losers”?!... Well, that would’ve been nice to know before I wrote and filmed the whole thing, now wouldn’t it?!

Story 404: A Midsummer Night’s Autumn

 In the 95°F late August weather, The Employee clocks out of work at 5:00 p.m. and transforms into The Commuter, soon to become The Shopper – there is always some kind of work to be done.

The bus’s air conditioning does battle with the extreme heat and humidity during the ride through the city; the passengers melt off at each stop, the driver nearly joining them every time.

The sun has been setting a minute earlier each day; at night, the heat remains.

The Commuter evaporates into The Shopper while exiting the bus and floats into a department store; the sweat immediately turns to icicles and The Shopper condenses as the overpowered air conditioning blasts the entire building.  The Shopper’s internal thermodynamics are thrown in a state of array and run off screaming.

The Shopper is likewise befuddled: “Is this Halloween?”

The entire store is decorated in various shades of orange, brown, and black; fake falling leaves are everywhere; possibly-fake cobwebs are strung amongst displays.

The Shopper plunges through a pile of football season paraphernalia to grab a shopping cart, and the trek through the store begins.

One item needed is a replacement beach umbrella, which is tucked away in Summer Clearance: “But I’m going there this weekend!  The lifeguards are still on duty!  Why is all the beach stuff shoved out of the season?!”

At the end of an aisle is a few sunscreen bottles; as The Shopper reaches for one, a motion sensor is tripped and a cackling witch flashes its LED eyes at passers-by.  The Shopper jumps only slightly: “Oh, dear.”

Ghosts and goblins line the walls and shelves, and the constant breeze stirs up the haphazardly strewn leaves and strategically strewn hay bales.

At the store’s café, The Shopper stands on line to buy a lemonade.  The frazzled barista finishes the three-course-meal order of the previous customer and turns to The Shopper: “Hello, would you like to try our pumpkin spice coffee, our pumpkin spice scone, and/or our pumpkin spice pumpkin?”

“…Not today, thank you.”

Sipping the lemonade, The Shopper wanders into the holiday section of the store, which has been converted into a haunted house.

“Beware of midnight, bwahahahaha!!!!” an employee dressed as a werewolf at the house’s entrance greets The Shopper.

The latter checks a watch: “But it’s only 7:00.”

The werewolf’s snarling face stares blankly at The Shopper, who continues on to the candy aisle haunted by products not really needed for another two months: “Ooh, sea salt caramels, yoink!”  Into the cart they go.

The ceiling speakers burst into spooky music at random intervals to announce discounts for the fall; as The Shopper enters one aisle covered in school supplies, the banners strung all over the place and the speakers both scream: “Back to School Sale!”

“Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!”

“You’re telling me,” a child says to The Shopper while being forcefully guided into the aisle by their parent.

Shopping completed, The Shopper transforms once more into The Commuter as the journey home begins.  The sky darkens as night approaches; the temperature is now 88°F; and the sweat resumes its previous activity as the wait for a new bus commences.

The Commuter looks forward to one last day at the beach, filled with sand, surf, and people just everywhere, and a book to read in front of the crashing waves after making the inconvenient trip all the way out there.  While boarding the steaming bus whose air conditioning had surrendered in defeat, The Commuter sees a ginormous sign stretched over the street ahead:

COME SEE OUR THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE NOVEMBER 25!!!