(In a bookstore, Customer 1 stands facing a display table, slowly leafing through a sci-fi hardcover. Customer 2 casually strolls by, casually makes a wide turn, casually picks up a hardcover from the opposite side of the table, and casually leafs through it as well. Customer 1’s eyes briefly flick up at Customer 2 and then lower back to the book; Customer 2 leafs through a few more pages, then glances up at the title in Customer 1’s hands)
Customer 2: Oh! (Gestures with the book at Customer 1’s book when the latter looks up) I heard that’s a good one. (Smiles broadly)
Customer 1: (Neutrally) Really.
Customer 2: Yeah, it’s been getting great reviews; I’ve been thinking about reading it myself.
Customer 1: (Nods) Good to know. (Returns to leafing)
Customer 2: (Slowly walks around the table to Customer 1’s side, still holding the book open) Sooooo… do you read often?
Customer 1: (Looks up again, barely disguising a smirk) A lot of people do, yes.
Customer 2: Heh, what I mean is, do you… (Looks up to think) read here often?... Come here often… to read?... Buy books here… to read them at home… often?
Customer 1: (Slowly puts the book back onto its pile and straightens it) Are you seriously trying to pick up someone at a bookstore?
Customer 2: (Laughs loudly for a bit, then starts fiddling with the book jacket) I thought a change in venue and clientele would increase the probability of success, yes.
Customer 1: (Nods again) And here I was, thinking I’m the only one with that idea.
Customer 2: (Stares) Really?
Customer 1: Oh yeah, been doing it for ages; definitely at lot safer than a bar.
Customer 2: That’s what I was thinking! I mean, what’s the worst these nerds could do, am-I-right? (An elderly couple passing by glare at Customer 2, who whispers at them) No offense.
Customer 1: Well, you still need to be careful.
Customer 2: Of course.
Customer 1: A lot of weirdos actually do come in here, and sometimes you can’t tell right away who’s just passionate about entertainment and whose life is consumed by fandom.
Customer 2: Don’t I know it.
Customer 1: …Wanna tag along?
Customer 2: Yes please.
(After neatly returning the other book to its correct pile, the two casually stroll through the semi-busy store, heads on a constant, unobtrusive swivel)
Customer 1: (Stops and turns to whisper to Customer 2) OK, see that one browsing off to the left there?
Customer 2: (Tries not to look directly at the object of their discussion and whispers back) Yeah?
Customer 1: I’m goin’ in.
Customer 2: Wait a second: here?!
Customer 1: Yeah, why not?
Customer 2: Because, in case you haven’t noticed the ginormous signs all over the place, we are now in the Children’s section!
Customer 1: (Laughs softly, still whispering) This isn’t the Children’s section; it’s the Teen section.
Customer 2: That’s not better! And I can’t tell from here – what if that one is a teen; we’re literally decades older, we could go to jail!
Customer 1: (Sighs) You need to have your eyes checked: that’s clearly an adult who has eclectic and discerning tastes in all types of literature regardless of the intended audience, and I’m goin’ in. Watch and learn.
Customer 2: (Moves to stand behind a support pillar) I’ll watch and learn from here as you walk into an obvious sting operation.
Customer 1: (Glares smilingly at Customer 2, then casually strolls past Customer 3 who has taken a book off the shelf and is reading the back cover) Oh! (Points to the book as Customer 3 looks up) I heard that’s a good one.
Customer 2: (Grimaces softly) Ugh!
Customer 3: (To Customer 1) Yeah, I’ve been seeing ads for it everywhere; wanted to know what’s all the fuss about.
Customer 1: I know, right? (Leans an elbow on the bookshelf while facing Customer 3) Word is, if this one does well, the author’ll write a sequel. Obviously; who doesn’t nowadays? Everything’s a franchise.
Customer 3: (Laughs) You’re tellin’ me.
Customer 1: (Also laughs) Definitely… So, I’m – (Is cut off by the piercing scream of an infant)
Customer 4: (Rounds a nearby corner, appearing disheveled while pushing a stroller with the crying baby and carrying a whimpering toddler; to Customer 3) Didn’t you hear me calling you?! It took me 10 minutes to get these two out of the bathroom – what’re you doing all the way over here?!
Customer 3: (Takes the toddler from Customer 4 as Customer 1 makes a hasty retreat) Sorry babe – got distracted.
Customer 4: I wish I had that luxury! (Sees the book that Customer 3 is holding) Well, if you’re buying that, just add it to the pile. (Points to a basket hanging underneath the stroller and overflowing with board books and plush toys)
Customer 3: (Puts the book back on the shelf) Nah, not interested. (To the toddler as the four of them make their way noisily to the front cash registers) Hey bub, what would you like read tonight, huh?
Customer 1: (Trots over to Customer 2, who is stifling giggles) Not a word – let’s go.
(They continue their circuit through the store, navigating around customers and carts of products to be shelved)
Customer 2: (Stops and whispers to Customer 1) Ooh, how about that employee shelving board games over there? Seems nice.
Customer 1: (Whispers back) “Nice” meaning “hot”?
Customer 2: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
Customer 1: (Shakes head) Nope; no, employees are off-limits.
Customer 2: What? Why?
Customer 1: Think about it: there’s already a power imbalance since they’re being paid to serve the customers, so they’ll say anything to keep you happy, and also to go away.
Customer 2: (Falsely humble) Well, I don’t know about you, but I may have had a few promising encounters with staff members in the past.
Customer 1: At places like this?
Customer 2: …No.
Customer 1: Yeah. No employees. (Looks around and subtly gestures at a customer in the magazine section) OK, that one browsing through Crafts and Hobbies – seems stable enough.
Customer 2: Eh, I suppose.
Customer 1: Wanna try tag teaming this time?
Customer 2: Considering you have yet to successfully pick up someone here tonight… yes.
(Customer 1 smothers laughter as they walk over to that section; each grabs a magazine to browse as they slowly move closer to Customer 5 in a pincer movement)
Customer 1: (Unobtrusively leans over to see the type of magazine Customer 5 is reading) Oh, excuse me?
Customer 5: (Looks up at Customer 1) Yes?
Customer 1: Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit – (Nods at the magazine) is that a good magazine to start with?
Customer 5: Oh yes, it’s pretty informative. (Intensely) If you want, I can teach you everything I know.
Customer 1: (Blinks a few times) Sorry, what?
Customer 5: I knit anything and everything – all I do is knit-knit-knit. I’ve been searching the world over for a protégé to whom I can pass my knowledge – at last, my search has ended.
Customer 1: (Unaware of dropping the magazine onto the floor) Ummmm….
Customer 5: (Grabs Customer 1’s hand) Join me, and we will create a new world, one of peace, and joy, and – !
Customer 2: (Has put back the magazine and slips around Customer 5 to take Customer 1 by the waist) Babe, come on, you know people don’t like it when you talk to them! (To Customer 5 as they walk away) Sorry, so annoying.
Customer 5: (To their backs as they exit the store) Make sure you subscribe to my channel, “Knit or Not” – it’ll change your life!
(In the parking lot, Customer 1 and Customer 2 separate and stop under a lamppost)
Customer 1: Thank you – that was certainly unexpected.
Customer 2: Sure; guess you just never know what kinds of weirdos you’re gonna meet in places like this.
Customer 1: That indeed.
Customer 2: Well, this was certainly enlightening. I now know exactly what not to do when trying to pick up a stranger so, you know, thanks for that.
Customer 1: You’re welcome…. So, ever want another lesson?
Customer 2: Heh-heh, you’re hilarious. Don’t get me wrong, although this wound up being the most enjoyable evening I’ve had in a long time, I seriously doubt the effectiveness of your methods.
Customer 1: Really.
Customer 2: I do, yes.
Customer 1: Worked on you, didn’t they?
Customer 2: (Laughs in disbelief) …No, no, I saw you first; I picked you up. Tried to, anyway.
Customer 1: Yeeeaaahh, I saw you come into the store about five minutes earlier. Thought you looked nice, so I... placed myself in your mostly likely path, and I waited.
Customer 2: (Eyes widen in realization) Honey pot?! That’s the honey pot trap!
Customer 1: (Laughing) Well, I wasn’t out for any state secrets you’re hiding, but basically yeah.
Customer 2: You… sly… trickster! I take back everything I said earlier: you’re really good.
Customer 1: Why thank you. (Does a little curtsy)
Customer 2: So, seeing as we both got what we originally were aiming for tonight, how about we celebrate with dessert at the café around the corner?
Customer 1: Sounds great. (They walk toward their respective cars) Keep in mind: jury’s still out on whether you’re one of the weirdos I have to worry about, though.
Customer 2: Same.
