(Friend
2 gets into the passenger side of a car driven by Friend 1)
Friend
2: (Once seated, sees that there are wadded-up tissues everywhere) Ewwwww!!!!! Are you sick?!
Friend
1: (Speaks with a clogged head and an interrupted throat) No, I don’t feel
sick, it’s probably just allergies.
(Sneezes out the open window and drives)
Friend
2: (Rolls down the passenger side window all the way – it is 22°F outside) I
don’t believe you, and even if it is allergies how can you still want to go to
your family’s Thanksgiving dinner?
Friend
1: (Wipes nose noisily) `S tradition.
Friend
2: I think they’d understand. I
don’t even want to go now, what with the contamination.
Friend
1: Would you relax? It’s all symptoms,
no substance – it’s literally all in my head.
(Coughs violently and nearly hits a deer standing on top of a grassy
hill) I feel fine!
Friend
2: (Holding head to shield from a collision) Liar.
(At
Friend 1’s family’s house)
Friend
2: You go in first – I don’t want them to think I brought you and your
infection here.
Friend
1: You’re ridiculous.
(Door
opens)
Cousin
1: Hi! Happy Thanksgiving – come on
in! (Widens the door for Friend 1 and
Friend 2 to enter and face everyone in the living room)
Everyone:
Hiiiiii!!!!
Friend
1: `Abb-y Tanks-gibing, ebbry-one!
(Everyone
stares at Friend 1 in horror; Grandmother runs in from the kitchen)
Grandmother:
(Points an accusing wooden spoon at Friend 1) Are you sick?!
Friend
1: (Blowing nose) Heh-heh-heh, no, it’s just allergies or change-of-season; I
feel great! (Sneeze-coughs)
Grandmother:
(To the rest of the room) No kissing, no hugging, no touching that
one! (Uses the wooden spoon to push
Friend 1 to the farthest corner of the living room, kicks an Uncle out of a
folding chair there, and points to it) Sit!
Friend
1: Aw, Grandma – (Is whacked on the head by the wooden spoon) Ow! (Sits)
Grandmother:
You’re lucky this isn’t the porch outside! (To Friend 2) You! Stay here, too – we’ll bring you both your
food.
Friend
2: (Whines) But why do I have to stay all the way out here?
Grandmother:
You’re contaminated!
Friend
2: (To Friend 1) See!
Grandmother:
Go watch the parade and don’t move from this spot – dinner’s now delayed an
hour thanks to your shenanigans!
(Returns to the kitchen while everyone moans)
Friend
1: (Pulls a wine bottle out of a bag) Well, if I’m shoved into this corner then
I guess no one’ll be needing this – (Cousin 2 snatches it away)
Hey! Isn’t that “contaminated” now?
Cousin
2: (While rubbing the bottle all over with a bleach wipe) This is actually the
one thing where the contents self-disinfect.
FOUR HOURS LATER
(Friend
2 is sitting on the couch next to Friend 1’s chair, which is surrounded by
growing piles of tissues, plates of snacks, and “DO NOT CROSS” tape)
Friend
2: (Staring at the TV) You know, this situation has given me a whole new
appreciation for football as a sport.
Friend
1: (Watching a movie on a phone) Wonderful.
(Sneezes; a passing Aunt sprays disinfectant in the Friends’ direction)
That’ll just make me sneeze more!
Aunt:
But it’ll be a clean sneeze.
Grandmother:
OK everyone, sit down, dinner’s ready!
Uncle:
Hee-hee, we’re already sitting down.
Grandmother:
Smart mouths get served last!
(There
is a rush to the two adult tables and the kitchen kiddie table; Friend 1 looks
around, then darts to an empty chair at one of the bigger tables)
Cousin
3: Grand-ma! My cousin’s trying to break
quaran-tine!
(Wearing
oven mitts, Grandmother grabs Friend 1 by the ear and tosses the body back onto
the folding chair in the living room)
Friend
1: (All the way back) Ow – ow – ow – ow – cough – cough – cough – gasp – gasp –
cough –
Grandmother:
(Grabs a bunch of cough drops from her apron pocket and flings them at Friend
1) I’d better not hear another sound from this corner or you get nuthin’ from
the table, do you hear me?! (To Friend
2) What would you like for dinner, dear?
Friend
2: Um, could I have a drumstick and some sides, please? And a glass of milk?
Grandmother:
Of course. (Turns to leave)
Friend
1: Could I have all that too, please?
(Sneezes)
Grandmother:
I’ll think about it. (To the tables) Now
– everyone, take a turn saying what you’re thankful for.
Aunt:
(Looking at Friend 1) Good health.
Uncle:
(Looking at Friend 1) Good health.
Cousin
4: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.
Cousin
5: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.
Friend
1: (Mutters) Brats. (Sneezes)
TWO HOURS LATER
Friend
1: (Wrapped in a blanket and holding a tissue) You think they’ll let me sneak a
piece of apple pie from the table?
Friend
2: How can you even be thinking of food right now – you look like you’re dying!
Friend
1: Still hungry, which means I’m NOT SICK!
(Shouted at the main table, which the relatives playing cards there
ignore)
Grandmother:
(Carrying a coffee urn) Everyone, sit down – dessert!
(Rush
to the two main tables, since one-third of the original company had moved on to
the next set of families)
Friend
1: (To Friend 2) Grab me a chocolate doughnut, would you? (Coughs a lot)
Friend
2: Ew, no; I’ll get you some tea.
Grandmother:
Oh no, you don’t – no one from that corner of the room moves until everyone
else has left for the night!
Friend
2: (In a small voice) But I have to go to the bathroom.
(Everyone
digs into the multitude of desserts; Friend 1 watches sullenly, then begins
cough-laughing)
Friend
2: What, aren’t you still bitter?
Friend
1: Yeah, but joke’s on them: this means I don’t have to help clean up this
year.
