WEDNESDAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING
(Relative 1 sits at a kitchen table paying bills on a laptop)
Relative 1: (Squints while leaning closer to the screen) They’re charging me a credit card fee after I’m saving them money by going paperless?! Rude. (Cell phone rings; Relative 1 picks up the phone, smiles on seeing the name on the caller ID, and answers) Hi there, Happy Early Thanksgiving, how –
Relative 2: (Has a cell phone propped against an ear and shoulder while pushing an overflowing shopping cart down a supermarket aisle surrounded by frenzied shoppers and constant panicked overhead announcements) I’ll cut right to the chase: seven family members cancelled on me last-minute due to various viruses and now I’m short on side dishes, so instead of salad I’m gonna need you to bring mashed potatoes instead.
Relative 1: Ohhhhh…. (Looks over at bags of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and an empty bowl all lined up on the counter) I was just about the make that up right after I finished depleting my bank account for the month.
Relative 2: Perfect timing, then – return what you didn’t use and get me mashed potatoes! Please.
Relative 1: Um, I’m not sure you actually want me to make mashed potatoes.
Relative 2: (Tossing boxes of baking soda, flour, and sugar into the cart) What’s to make? You go to the aisle with the refrigerated cases, get about five or so of the premade packages, and we empty `em into a large bowl and heat it up right before dinner! I’d get them myself but now I have to make the corn casserole, cranberry sauce, apple pie, and pumpkin pie, and frankly neither I nor my budget can face one more bit of foodstuff on top of all that no matter how trivial it may seem.
Relative 1: But what about the salad?
Relative 2: No one cares about the salad! I only asked you to bring it because it’s impossible to mess up and pretty much everyone skips it anyway!
Relative 1: Well I never – !
Relative 2: (Dashing the cart up another aisle aiming for the last two pie crusts in a refrigerated display case) Well you have now; no more time to chat; hours behind schedule; see you tomorrow; hugs and kisses; byeeeee!!! (Drops the phone into the cart and dives into the crowd surrounding the case) MINE!
Relative 1: (Stares at the silent phone, then over at the now-useless salad stuff) So this means I have to go to a supermarket on the day before Thanksgiving? (Eye starts twitching)
STILL WEDNESDAY – 9:00 P.M.
(Relative 1 rummages through the nearly-empty vegetable section of a refrigerated display case in a different, slightly less-crowded supermarket)
Relative 1: Ergghhh… all mashed cauliflower, no mashed potatoes.... (Grabs a box) Maybe I can get away with roasted potatoes?
Relative 2: [Voice in Relative 1’s head] I said “mashed”!!!
Relative 1: (Shudders and replaces the box on the shelf, still holding the door open to stare at the remaining products) So no mashed potatoes – do I need to buy actual potatoes and mash them myself? (Shudders harder)
Shopper 1: (Zips a shopping cart to a stop next to the door) `Scuse me, can I get in there, please?
Relative 1: Huh? Oh, yeah. (Widens the door and steps aside)
Shopper 1: (Scoops boxes into the cart) You know, I couldn’t help overhearing your external monologue – there are boxes of potato flakes in Aisle 7 that you basically just mix and heat up to make mashed potatoes.
Relative 1: (Gasps) Really?! Just like that?!
Shopper 1: (Still scooping) Yep: no muss, no fuss.
Relative 1: (Runs down the aisle) Thank you – thank you – thank you!
Shopper 1: (Moves on to another case, opens the door, and begins scooping more boxes into the cart) Sure thing – just need milk and butter.
Relative 1: (Skids to a stop and turns back) Eh?
Shopper 1: Oh, and salt, but you probably can get away with seasoning it later. (Closes the door and speeds off in the opposite direction) Good luck!
Relative 1: (Starts shaking) …Ingredients?!
(In Aisle 7, Relative 1 holds up a box of potato flakes and scrutinizes the minimal instructions)
Relative 1: But what type of milk? What type of butter? Why are there no specifics? (Looks up to the ceiling) Thanksgiving’s gonna be ruined because of MEEEEEE!!!!
Shopper
2: (In mid-rush with an overflowing shopping cart; briefly pauses next to
Relative 1) Used to feel the same way: just tell everybody it’s that or
nothing, they shut up real fast.
(Resumes sprint as Relative 1 stares after, then back at the box in a
panic)
THANKSGIVING – BEFORE THE MAIN EVENT
(At Relative 2’s house, chaos reigns as multiple dishes are being prepared simultaneously in the kitchen, adults yell at each other in order to be heard, and children yell at each other just because)
Relative 2: (To Relative 3) Could you start carving the turkey while I finish up the mushrooms?
Relative 3: Of course! (Starts sharpening knives with glee) I live for this.
Relative 2: You worry me. (Counts the full pots, pans, and platters on or in tables, counters, stoves, ovens, broilers, toasters, and microwaves) Hold it – we’re missing one. (Thinks for a few moments, then slams a hand down on a cutting board in realization) Mashed potatoes!
Relative 4: (Entering the kitchen with an empty appetizer tray to clean) Yeah, is anyone else concerned that cousin’s not here yet?
Relative 2: (Grabs an upright phone sitting on a charger and pounds the keys while grinding teeth) Not – enough – sides!
Relative 4: Just me then? OK. (Starts on the towering pile of dishes in the sink)
Relative 2: (Listens to the phone ring, then immediately speaks once the call is answered) WHERE ARE MY MASHED POTATOES?!
Relative 1: Uhhhh…. (Covered in potato flakes and watching a pot on the stove slowly but surely bubble up to overflowing) I think I might’ve misread the instructions….
Relative 2: What instructions?! You bring them here and we reheat them, HOW CAN YOU MESS UP DOING NOTHING?!
Relative 1: (Stirring the pot faster and faster) Well, the store didn’t have that kind, so I had to get a box of dried-out potatoes instead, and milk, and butter, and they don’t even tell you what type, by the way: 1%? 2%? Salted? Unsalted? And what type of salt, but I skipped that –
Relative 2: YOU COULD’VE BROUGHT THE BOX HERE AND I WOULD’VE MADE THEM!
Relative 1: (Stops stirring; the pot boils over) …You seemed busy.
Relative 2: (Bites on a wooden spoon, then speaks deathly low) Stop whatever you’re doing, get over here now, and bring the box with you.
Relative 1: (Tries using a lid to smother the overflowing pot) OK, I guess I can wrap it up so it doesn’t spill all over the car – traffic’s a nightmare right now though, so it’s probably gonna take me at least an hour –
Relative 2: I SAID GET OVER HERE NOW! (Slams the phone down onto the charger, takes a breath, and sees Relative 3 hovering in mid-carve while staring at Relative 2) Who told you to stop?!
Relative 3: (Starts slicing again) On it!
Relative 2: (Enters the living room where most of the relatives are gathered, about half of them watching the football game) All right folks, I’ve got good news and bad news. Good news is: dinner is almost ready.
Relatives: YAY!
Relative 2: Bad news is: there’ll be no mashed potatoes.
Relatives: ARGGGGHHHHH…. (Relative 5 stands up to leave)
Relative 2: (Points to Relative 5) Sit!
Relative 5: (Sits back on the couch, grumbling) But I only wanted to eat the mashed potatoes….
Relative 2: I know, everyone;, it’s a great loss, but we will strive to enjoy the turkey and the 23 other sides without it, I suppose.
Relative 4: (Leans into the living room from the growing pile in the kitchen sink) Wait a second, is the cousin who was supposed to bring it all right? Did something happen?
Relative
2: Irrelevant to the meal! (Spins on
heel and returns to the kitchen, stopping short in front of the main stove) And
now the gravy’s all lumpy, gaaaaaahhhhh!!!!
THANKSGIVING – DESSERT HOUR
(Relative 1 enters Relative 2’s house carefully carrying a large package while everyone else sits at several tables of varying sizes eating pies, cakes, cookies, and candies)
Relative 1: (As everyone turns to the sound of the front door closing) Hi everybody, Happy Thanksgiving!
Relatives: (Waving) Hiiiiiiii!!!! Happy Thanksgiving!
Relative 4: You made it! Are you OK?
Relative 1: (As Relative 2 zooms over from the main table) Yeah, just a little mishap with the mashed potatoes, sorry you had to miss out on those this year.
Relatives: Nah – that’s OK – it’s fine –
Relative 5: It was not fine for me!
Relative 1: (Turns to Relative 2’s glare and holds out the package) So, I ran out to the store again today and managed to snag the last batch of freshly-baked cinnamon buns –
Relative 2: (Snatches the package out of Relative 1’s hands) All is forgiven.
