WEDNESDAY
BEFORE THANKSGIVING
(Relative
1 sits at a kitchen table paying bills on a laptop)
Relative
1: (Squints while leaning closer to the screen) They’re charging me a credit
card fee after I’m saving them money by going paperless?! Rude.
(Cell phone rings; Relative 1 picks up the phone, smiles on seeing the
name on the caller ID, and answers) Hi there, Happy Early Thanksgiving, how –
Relative
2: (Has a cell phone propped against an ear and shoulder while pushing an
overflowing shopping cart down a supermarket aisle surrounded by frenzied
shoppers and constant panicked overhead announcements) I’ll cut right to the
chase: seven family members cancelled on me last-minute due to various viruses
and now I’m short on side dishes, so instead of salad I’m gonna need you to
bring mashed potatoes instead.
Relative
1: Ohhhhh…. (Looks over at bags of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and an empty
bowl all lined up on the counter) I was just about the make that up right after
I finished depleting my bank account for the month.
Relative
2: Perfect timing, then – return what you didn’t use and get me mashed
potatoes! Please.
Relative
1: Um, I’m not sure you actually want me to make mashed potatoes.
Relative
2: (Tossing boxes of baking soda, flour, and sugar into the cart) What’s to
make? You go to the aisle with the refrigerated
cases, get about five or so of the premade packages, and we empty `em into a
large bowl and heat it up right before dinner!
I’d get them myself but now I have to make the corn casserole, cranberry
sauce, apple pie, and pumpkin pie, and frankly neither I nor my budget
can face one more bit of foodstuff on top of all that no matter how trivial it
may seem.
Relative
1: But what about the salad?
Relative
2: No one cares about the salad! I only
asked you to bring it because it’s impossible to mess up and pretty much
everyone skips it anyway!
Relative
1: Well I never – !
Relative
2: (Dashing the cart up another aisle aiming for the last two pie crusts in a
refrigerated display case) Well you have now; no more time to chat; hours
behind schedule; see you tomorrow; hugs and kisses; byeeeee!!! (Drops the phone into the cart and dives into
the crowd surrounding the case) MINE!
Relative
1: (Stares at the silent phone, then over at the now-useless salad stuff) So
this means I have to go to a supermarket on the day before Thanksgiving? (Eye starts twitching)
STILL
WEDNESDAY – 9:00 P.M.
(Relative
1 rummages through the nearly-empty vegetable section of a refrigerated display
case in a different, slightly less-crowded supermarket)
Relative
1: Ergghhh… all mashed cauliflower, no mashed potatoes.... (Grabs a box) Maybe
I can get away with roasted potatoes?
Relative
2: [Voice in Relative 1’s head] I said “mashed”!!!
Relative
1: (Shudders and replaces the box on the shelf, still holding the door open to
stare at the remaining products) So no mashed potatoes – do I need to buy actual
potatoes and mash them myself?
(Shudders harder)
Shopper
1: (Zips a shopping cart to a stop next to the door) `Scuse me, can I get in
there, please?
Relative
1: Huh? Oh, yeah. (Widens the door and steps aside)
Shopper
1: (Scoops boxes into the cart) You know, I couldn’t help overhearing your
external monologue – there are boxes of potato flakes in Aisle 7 that you
basically just mix and heat up to make mashed potatoes.
Relative
1: (Gasps) Really?! Just like that?!
Shopper
1: (Still scooping) Yep: no muss, no fuss.
Relative
1: (Runs down the aisle) Thank you – thank you – thank you!
Shopper
1: (Moves on to another case, opens the door, and begins scooping more boxes
into the cart) Sure thing – just need milk and butter.
Relative
1: (Skids to a stop and turns back) Eh?
Shopper
1: Oh, and salt, but you probably can get away with seasoning it later. (Closes the door and speeds off in the
opposite direction) Good luck!
Relative
1: (Starts shaking) …Ingredients?!
(In
Aisle 7, Relative 1 holds up a box of potato flakes and scrutinizes the minimal
instructions)
Relative
1: But what type of milk? What type
of butter? Why are there no
specifics? (Looks up to the ceiling)
Thanksgiving’s gonna be ruined because of MEEEEEE!!!!
Shopper
2: (In mid-rush with an overflowing shopping cart; briefly pauses next to
Relative 1) Used to feel the same way: just tell everybody it’s that or
nothing, they shut up real fast.
(Resumes sprint as Relative 1 stares after, then back at the box in a
panic)
THANKSGIVING
– BEFORE THE MAIN EVENT
(At
Relative 2’s house, chaos reigns as multiple dishes are being prepared
simultaneously in the kitchen, adults yell at each other in order to be heard,
and children yell at each other just because)
Relative
2: (To Relative 3) Could you start carving the turkey while I finish up the
mushrooms?
Relative
3: Of course! (Starts sharpening knives
with glee) I live for this.
Relative
2: You worry me. (Counts the full pots,
pans, and platters on or in tables, counters, stoves, ovens, broilers,
toasters, and microwaves) Hold it – we’re missing one. (Thinks for a few moments, then slams a hand
down on a cutting board in realization) Mashed potatoes!
Relative
4: (Entering the kitchen with an empty appetizer tray to clean) Yeah, is anyone
else concerned that cousin’s not here yet?
Relative
2: (Grabs an upright phone sitting on a charger and pounds the keys while grinding
teeth) Not – enough – sides!
Relative
4: Just me then? OK. (Starts on the towering pile of dishes in the
sink)
Relative
2: (Listens to the phone ring, then immediately speaks once the call is
answered) WHERE ARE MY MASHED POTATOES?!
Relative
1: Uhhhh…. (Covered in potato flakes and watching a pot on the stove slowly but
surely bubble up to overflowing) I think I might’ve misread the instructions….
Relative
2: What instructions?! You bring them
here and we reheat them, HOW CAN YOU MESS UP DOING NOTHING?!
Relative
1: (Stirring the pot faster and faster) Well, the store didn’t have that kind,
so I had to get a box of dried-out potatoes instead, and milk, and
butter, and they don’t even tell you what type, by the way: 1%? 2%?
Salted? Unsalted? And what type of salt, but I skipped that –
Relative
2: YOU COULD’VE BROUGHT THE BOX HERE AND I WOULD’VE MADE THEM!
Relative
1: (Stops stirring; the pot boils over) …You seemed busy.
Relative
2: (Bites on a wooden spoon, then speaks deathly low) Stop whatever you’re
doing, get over here now, and bring the box with you.
Relative
1: (Tries using a lid to smother the overflowing pot) OK, I guess I can wrap it
up so it doesn’t spill all over the car – traffic’s a nightmare right now
though, so it’s probably gonna take me at least an hour –
Relative
2: I SAID GET OVER HERE NOW! (Slams the
phone down onto the charger, takes a breath, and sees Relative 3 hovering in
mid-carve while staring at Relative 2) Who told you to stop?!
Relative
3: (Starts slicing again) On it!
Relative
2: (Enters the living room where most of the relatives are gathered, about half
of them watching the football game) All right folks, I’ve got good news and bad
news. Good news is: dinner is almost
ready.
Relatives:
YAY!
Relative
2: Bad news is: there’ll be no mashed potatoes.
Relatives:
ARGGGGHHHHH…. (Relative 5 stands up to leave)
Relative
2: (Points to Relative 5) Sit!
Relative
5: (Sits back on the couch, grumbling) But I only wanted to eat the mashed
potatoes….
Relative
2: I know, everyone;, it’s a great loss, but we will strive to enjoy the turkey
and the 23 other sides without it, I suppose.
Relative
4: (Leans into the living room from the growing pile in the kitchen sink) Wait
a second, is the cousin who was supposed to bring it all right? Did something happen?
Relative
2: Irrelevant to the meal! (Spins on
heel and returns to the kitchen, stopping short in front of the main stove) And
now the gravy’s all lumpy, gaaaaaahhhhh!!!!
THANKSGIVING
– DESSERT HOUR
(Relative
1 enters Relative 2’s house carefully carrying a large package while everyone
else sits at several tables of varying sizes eating pies, cakes, cookies, and
candies)
Relative
1: (As everyone turns to the sound of the front door closing) Hi everybody,
Happy Thanksgiving!
Relatives:
(Waving) Hiiiiiiii!!!! Happy
Thanksgiving!
Relative
4: You made it! Are you OK?
Relative
1: (As Relative 2 zooms over from the main table) Yeah, just a little mishap
with the mashed potatoes, sorry you had to miss out on those this year.
Relatives:
Nah – that’s OK – it’s fine –
Relative
5: It was not fine for me!
Relative
1: (Turns to Relative 2’s glare and holds out the package) So, I ran out to the
store again today and managed to snag the last batch of freshly-baked cinnamon
buns –
Relative
2: (Snatches the package out of Relative 1’s hands) All is forgiven.
