Story 389: Extreme Scavenger Hunt

 DAY 1

 (In a large field, four contestants in activewear are lined up in a row and stretching every which way)

Host: (To the camera) Gooooood morning, folks, and welcome to the first episode of Extreme Scavenger Hunt, where our contestants are eager, our game designers are sadistic, and our audience are lazy voyeurs…. And here are our contestants!

(Host and Camera Operator jog over to the contestant line)

Host: So, briefly tell us all why you’re participating in this exciting and unnecessary competition!  (Holds the microphone out to each in turn)

Contestant 1: Hi, I’m doing this because I’m really good at scavenger hunts, and I really need the prize money.

Host: Well that’s a shame – next?

Contestant 2: I’m doing this for the fame and glory.

Host: Good luck with that – next?

Contestant 3: I’m doing this for the fun of it, and also to prove that being in a wheelchair doesn’t limit my ability to compete like anyone else.  And to make sure of that, I’ve got some portable folding ramps with me right here.  (Pats a large bag)

Host: Now that’s a perfect example of ultimate adaptability – next?

Contestant 4: I signed up `cause I was bored.

Host: Sounds about right – and now, for the distribution of The List!  (An employee hands each Contestant a laminated list) You have 10 items and 10 days to get back here with them – first one back with all 10, or first one back with at least a majority, wins!  The rest can slink off back to wherever you came from.

Contestant 2: What if there’s a tie?

Host: I highly doubt it.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but there’s an even number of items and contestants – what if two of us get back here at the exact same time with the exact same number of items?

Host: The odds of that happening are next to impossible, I assure you.

Contestant 2: Yeah, but it could happen, so what if it does?

Host: Then fight to the death, I don’t know!  (To the rest) Are you all ready?

Contestant 1: (Raises hand holding The List) Are we covered if someone views us as technically “stealing” any of these?  Asking for a friend.

Host: No!  These are all items that are either public property or you can ask permission to take them, and you’re giving pretty much all of them back at the end!

Contestant 3: (Looking at The List) I don’t know, some of these seem a bit iffy –

Host: Too bad!  You all knew what you were getting into when you signed the waiver, you all are committed to getting as many of these as possible in the time allotted, and you all need to get this thing going `cause we’re running into a commercial break so on your marks!

Contestant 1: Do we get extra allowance money in case we run into unforeseen expenses, like needing an extra plane ticket after missing a flight because we’re always late?

Host: Get set!

Contestant 2: (Staring at The List) Hold on – what’s a slide rule?

Host: GOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

(The Contestants crash into each other, then embark in four different directions)

 DAY 2

 (At a Renaissance Faire)

Host: After a few hiccups, we managed to track down Contestant 1 to this bustling festival – (Holds a phone in the air and scans the area with it) now let’s see, where did we find…. (Wanders around in a circle, then freezes) Oh my Bard.

(Contestant 1 is standing up against a target as amateurs shoot arrows everywhere; most land on the ground, and the last is embedded next to Contestant 1’s ear)

Contestant 1: (Pulls that arrow out of the target) Yesssss!  Finally, this one’ll count as Recently Shot Old-Time Arrow!  Thanks, gentlefolk!  (Starts skipping away while swinging the arrow and is stopped by Host)

Host: You know you could have just bought one –

            Contestant 1: I NEED THE MONEY!

DAY 5

(In a mountain range with an active volcano)

Host: (Whispering while climbing over rocks in a cave) Contestant 4 has been spotted mounting a solo quest to ascend this very peak, so we believe that two items may be acquired in this venture: the Newborn Lava Rock, and the Dragon’s Tear.  Let’s go have a look.

(Host climbs farther into the cave that descends into a treasure-filled lair; Contestant 4 had begun climbing over gold coins and jewels but stops on seeing Host)

Contestant 4: Oh, hey there; what’s up?

Host: We’re here to ask you the same thing.

Contestant 4: Whelp, just came back from snatching up a baby lava rock – (Opens a satchel to briefly hold up a smoking rock with a bandaged hand) and now I’m off to make a dragon cry or something.  These game designers really are a bunch of weirdos, you know that?

Host: I’m not legally allowed to comment.  So, how long do you think it’ll take to find the dragon?

Contestant 4: Zero minutes – she’s right over there.  (Points to the sleeping dragon in a far corner of the lair)

Host: Oh.  (Faints)

Contestant 4: You OK?  (Nudges Host with foot) Yeah, you’re fine.  (Resumes climbing over treasure to reach the dragon, takes a saltshaker and a vial out of the satchel, shakes the former over a corner of the dragon’s eye, and uses the vial to catch a tear as the dragon sniffles in sleep) Sweet.  Six down, four to go.  (Turns to leave, then turns back and pokes the dragon in the side before running away)

Dragon: (Wakes up and roars) Ugh, another scavenger hunter?!  I didn’t sign a waiver for this!

(Dragon chases Contestant 4 and Camera Operator out of the cave, tossing Host out afterward)

Host: (Discombobulated; leans in to be updated by Camera Operator; to Contestant 4) Wait, you woke up the dragon on purpose?!  You were the only one who got here while she was sleeping – why on Earth would you do that?!

Contestant 4: (Prepares to rappel down the mountain) If the dragon doesn’t try to incinerate you on the way out, then what’s the point?

 DAY 7

 (At a castle during a thunderstorm)

Host: (Standing in front of the drawbridge) We haven’t bothered checking in with Contestant 2 until now, since that one’s been posting updates constantly online that you’ve all seen; however, there seem to be two items shy of completion and two days from the deadline, so we figured we might as well see some of the shenanigans firsthand.

(Contestant 2 is on a tower roof, surrounded by evil scientists and filming everything on a cell phone)

Contestant 2: (As lighting flashes and thunder booms all around the group) Behold!  I will be the first human being in all of history to successful capture the ever-elusive Lightning in a Bottle!  (Holds a baby bottle aloft as lightning strikes the roof; the entire group is singed a bit) OK, let’s try that again.

Host: Thankfully, Contestant 2’s livestreamed footage was sufficient – (Gestures to the camera) `cause we’re certainly not going up there.  (The camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)

 DAY 8

 (On a space shuttle)

Host: I’m here before lift-off to catch up with Contestant 3, who managed to secure a coveted spot on the first commercial flight to the Moon.  (To Contestant 3) Nervous?

Contestant 3: (In a spacesuit) Only that one of the others already beat me to it!

Host: No, they all applied for special permission to borrow the rocks on display at the Smithsonian.

Contestant 3: Wimps!

(The countdown to launch begins; Host and Camera Operator scurry off the shuttle before it blasts into space)

 DAY 9

 Host: We arranged for footage to be transmitted to us from the Moon’s surface – let’s have a look, shall we?

(Grainy footage shows several spacesuited individuals wandering around the rocky terrain as their microphones transmit their sounds of wonder; Contestant 3 is seen using a Manned Maneuvering Unit to take a small rock and then launch from the Moon’s surface toward the small Earth in the distance)

Contestant 3: I’ll bring this right back after tomorrowwwwwwww….

 DAY 10

 (In the same large field where the contest started)

Host: Well, it’s the day at least one contestant needs to show up with their haul; I realize now that we never gave a specific time, so we could be here all night.  (Looks around at the empty field and mutters) They better show up soon, is all I’m saying.

(Simultaneously, all four contestants arrive at their place of origin: Contestant 1 runs out of a friend’s car while it is still moving; Contestant 2 falls out of a tour bus surrounded by fans taking pictures; Contestant 3 descends from space to hover over the ground on the MMU; and Contestant 4 zooms in on an all-terrain vehicle, laughing all the way.  They crash into each other and Contestant 2’s fans and are all over the place before the judges confiscate their satchels)

Host: Oh bother, they did wind up all getting here at the same time.  Judges?

Lead Judge: (After some deliberation with the others) None of them got the Slide Rule.

Host: So they each have nine items?

Lead Judge: Yeah, and they all crashed here at the same time so it’s a four-way tie.

Contestant 2: (Whipping off sunglasses; to Host) SEE!  I told you – what now, huh?  What now?!

Host: …Fight to the death?

Lead Judge: Just split the prize money four ways!

Contestant 1: Yesssss!

Lead Judge: And then tax it.

Contestant 1: Boo.

Contestant 3: (Still hovering in mid-air) Excuse me, that’s great and all but could we wrap this up soon?  I gotta get the rock back and I’m running out of propulsion fuel here.

Contestant 4: I think, to be fair, we should just go out there and do the whole thing all over again.

Everyone Else: NO!

Contestant 4: Bummer.  (Revs the ATV engine in sorrow)

Host: (To the camera) There it is, folks: all four contestants won after their valiant and foolhardy struggles, and you all at home got your undeserved entertainment at our expense.  I hope you’re happy!  (Camera shakes side-to-side as a “No”)  That’s right: I know you’re all miserable no matter what.  So tune in next week for our new show, Extreme Bingo!  (Starts walking off camera) Would someone please fill me in on what exactly this’ll involve before we start filming this time?!

Story 388: The Perils of Acting With a Friend

 (Actor 2 answers the phone while on set)

Actor 2: Howdy there, talking to you from the sunny beach of an amazingly life-filled desert; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?

Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Funny you should be filming in a desert, since my love life’s a giant one right now.

Actor 2: Awwww.  Sounds boring – bye.

Actor 1: Don’t hang up; I’m actually calling to see if you have any advice on, you know, using my aura of mystery as an actor to snare safe one-night stands.  You used to be quite the pro at that, back when you were a stud.

Actor 2: I’m still a stud!  (Looks around and sees passing crew members are staring, then moves to a more private corner and lowers voice) Just because I’m happily married for several decades doesn’t mean I’m any less of a catch.

Actor 1: I’m sure your wife thinks so.  Anyway, back in the day when you were reeling them in –

Actor 2: Ugh, don’t remind me: I really was a bit much then.

Actor 1: What was your secret?  Body spray?  Piercing contact lenses?  Listening?

Actor 2: All right, fine: back in my less-mature years, when I wanted a little more action in my so-called love life with none of the responsibilities of an actual relationship, I just auditioned a lot for love-interest roles. 

Actor 1: What?

Actor 2: Some parts were decent, but most were rom-coms where half the scenes required make-out sessions with my hot costar.  Although very few of them turned into actual one-night stands, and only after filming wrapped. (Gazes off in recollection) Those were some trashy times.

Actor 1: Seriously?  That’s all it took?

Actor 2: (Shakes out of reverie) Well, you have to actually get chosen for the part, but yeah.  With rehearsals and filming, I fake-scored more times than I did in high school and college combined; it was like a dream.  And I made sure all of my costars felt the same way about those scenes so it was win-win, and everyone went home happy.

Actor 1: And what does your wife think about that dream of yours?

Actor 2: Well, I’m not like that now; she knows it’s just a job, and I keep it all separate in my head so the scenes look good but don’t mean anything to me.  Now that I think about it, I’ve only kissed one costar since I got married, wow.  Go me.

Actor 1: Good for you.  Well, thanks for the tip: I’m off to tell my agent to sign me up for any and all love-interest roles out there, lines or no lines, wish me luck, bye!  (Disconnects the call)

Actor 2: (Pockets the phone) Don’t take just any role, you know: have some professional pride.

 ONE YEAR LATER

 Actor 2: (Answers the phone while at home) Howdy there, talking to you from the comfy couch of my comfy home; how’s life treatin’ ya, buddy?

Actor 1: (Relaxing at home) Got some great news – your advice worked wonderfully, by the way.

Actor 2: Oh goodie; I’m glad you’re feeling satisfied with your love life no one cares about.  I’ve got some great news too, but you go first.

Actor 1: Thanks.  So, I’ve been getting a lot more work lately: that one film we did earlier this year, good parts in a few others, some plays – I’ve noticed the stuff updated to modern times has a lot of R-rated material crammed in there, it’s always kind of weird to do Shakespeare like that –

Actor 2: Yeah, a bit for me too, but I got used to it.

Actor 1: So, very happy with all those special scenes with my special costars, and they’re very happy too, and whaddya know, my agent lands me an audition for one of the main leads in the film version of ---------- everyone wants to be in that’s gonna be hot, hot, hot, and I found out today I got the part!

Actor 2: ….

Actor 1: I don’t hear you congratulating me.

Actor 2: …I found out today I got the part as the other lead.

Actor 1: How’s that?

Actor 2: I’m your costar.

Actor 1: Oh.  I see.  Well, this is awkward.  Guess you’re gonna have to drop out, then.

Actor 2: What?!  Why do I have to drop out?!

Actor 1: I’m not going to simulate funny business with someone I actually know and actually like, and since this is my big break whereas you’re already established in your career, then clearly you should be the gracious one and step aside to make room for someone I would want to chew on a breath mint for.

Actor 2: No way!  I worked out for six months to get in shape for this role, and I am two films away from being cast as “Well-Meaning Parent” forever, so if you feel all weird about it then you’re the one who needs to drop out!

Actor 1: Unacceptable!  And think about this: in about a month you, your wife, and I are meeting up at that children’s charity event – how can I look her in the eye after I’ve stuck my tongue down her spouse’s throat?!

Actor 2: Ew, don’t make me think about it.

Actor 1: And another thing: how I can ever look you in the eye again after that?!

Actor 2: Ewwwwww!   Never mind, we’ll figure something out – it seems this disturbingly X-rated science-fiction dramedy is pivotal to both our careers, so just be professional and do not mess this up for us!

Actor 1: Speak for yourself; I’m doing this for the craft.

Actor 2: You only auditioned because it had love scenes!

Actor 1: Which you’ve now tainted.  You’re a real pal – see you at the table read next week where we get to hear all the bedroom bits dissected in gory detail!

Actor 2: Ewwwwwwwww!!!!

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(On the spaceship bedroom set of the film)

Director: OK you two, ready to run through your first love scene?

Actor 1: No.

Actor 2: (Simultaneously) We are extremely prepared for this.

Director: The Intimacy Coordinator’s gonna work with you now – (To Actor 1) I’ve heard you usually like to “wing it,” but I prefer that everything be choreographed before filming, especially while you’re both still fully clothed.

Actor 1: Awesome.

Intimacy Coordinator: (Enters, nodding at Director who exits) Hello, my lovely lovers!  Get on the bed.

(Actor 2 hops on while Actor 1 gingerly slides on)

Actor 1: Can I just take a nap while you two do your thing?

Intimacy Coordinator: Odd; you loved this part on the last movie we worked on together.

Actor 1: I’ve evolved as an artist since then.

Intimacy Coordinator: Well, have you two talked over what you’d like to do with this scene yet?

Actor 1 and Actors 2: (Not looking at each other) No.

Intimacy Coordinator: Oh dear, that makes this a bit more difficult.  Maybe start with the few lines of dialogue in the beginning and then we’ll start working on where to go from there.

Actor 2: Sure.  (Clears throat and stares at Actor 1) “I have never wanted anyone as badly as I want you.  My love.”

Actor 1: (Staring at Actor 2’s forehead) “Then come and take me… bay-by.”

(They start to lean in for a kiss with lips curled back, then reposition themselves a few times on the bed)

Actor 2: Ow!  That was my shin!

Actor 1: Sorry!  Maybe if I go over here….

Actor 2: Ow!  My other shin!

Intimacy Coordinator: Why don’t you try the kiss first and then move around afterward?

Actor 2: I would if this one’d quit shovin’!

Actor 1: I am not shoving; you need to move over!

Intimacy Coordinator: Would you like to take quick break?

Actor 2: No!

Actor 1: (Simultaneously) Yes!

Actor 2: (Whispers at Actor 1) You are ruining this for both of us!  Just close your eyes and pretend I’m the last costar you fake loved or something!

Actor 1: (Shakes head and whispers back) Nah-uh: your wife invited me over for dinner tonight; I can’t sit across from you two and eat lasagna like it’s nothing!

Actor 2: (Kisses Actor 1 quickly) There – was that so bad?

Actor 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Ugh, fine, let me try.  (They stiff-arm hug and miss each other’s mouth a few times)

Director: (Re-enters) Hi, sorry to burst in, but I’m gonna have to let you two go from the project – with pay, of course.

Actor 1 and Actor 2: WHAT?!

Actor 1: After all that?!

Actor 2: Yeah – have you even seen my abs?!

Director: Listen, you’re both really talented and I thought we wouldn’t need a chemistry test since you’re worked together before, but I should’ve listened to myself and done one before finalizing casting: we need passionate lovers on this piece, and instead you’re giving me squabbling siblings.

Actor 2: Would it help if we cast my wife instead?

Actor 1: (Stands up to leave) It’s fine: I turned down Naked Macbeth to do this, but they’re still looking so I’m sure they’ll welcome me back with open arms!  (To Actor 2) I consider this a near-miss for our friendship.

Actor 2: (Also stands, and shudders) Yeah, I’ll say.  (Everyone stands awkwardly in silence for a few moments) So, see you at 7?

Actor 1: Yeah – tell your wife I’m bringing lots of champagne.

Story 387: If You’re Going to Be Volunteered, Then Volunteer First

 (In a department store breakroom, two coworkers sit around a long table)

Coworker 1: (Reading an article in a magazine while eating lunch; to Coworker 2) Hey – did you know that ---- ---- has been married for over 20 years and has two kids?

Coworker 2: (Does not look up from reading an article on a cell phone) Yeah, everyone knows that.

Coworker 1: Well, clearly, not everyone knows that.  I always thought this one was single and living the life.

Coworker 2: They are living the life, just not in everyone else’s business.  Must be hard, but managed it somehow.

Coworker 1: Huh…. Wonder if I could ever manage to block out all the paparazzi and adoring fans if I were ever famous?

Coworker 2: I doubt it.  You like attention too much.

Coworker 1: That I do.

(Manager suddenly bursts into the breakroom)

Manager: Right, we don’t have time to schedule a store meeting and no one ever joined our online group, so I have to run around telling everyone in-person: starting tomorrow, everyone’s being cross-trained to work at the food counter and you all have to volunteer for at least one shift a week there, indefinitely, until you either leave the company or we go out of business.

Coworker 1: WHAT?!

Coworker 2: I’ll take Monday mid-shifts.

Manager: (Writes on a clipboard) Great – the training schedule’ll be posted later today and the shifts start next week, byyyyyeeeee!!!! (Bursts out of the breakroom)

Coworker 1: What was that all about?!

Coworker 2: (Back to the phone) You know how short they’ve been in that department lately, and the retention rate’s terrible; I figured it was only a matter of time before they’d starting pulling from our pool to staff it.

Coworker 1: But why don’t they just hire more people and pay better?

(Coworker 2 looks up at Coworker 1 and both laugh hysterically)

Coworker 1: Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

Coworker 2: Yeah, what year do you think this is, 1997?

Coworker 1: My teenaged brain and middle-aged body wish it was.  So, what, now we all have to learn how to make up sandwiches and whip up drinks and bake up cookies for a picky and ungrateful public?  That’s not what I applied here to do; explaining basic electronics to noobs and working out complicated transactions that’ll be returned later and watching out for sticky fingers across 10 aisles of merchandise is already above and beyond!

Coworker 2: I hear ya – you think I want to be responsible for handling food and the accompanying mess when I’m perfectly fine sorting clothes and being someone’s personal shopper 50 hours a week?

Coworker 1: So why’d you volunteer immediately then?  If you’d spoken up any faster, it’d’ve travelled back in time!

Coworker 2: `Cause I knew if I didn’t pick a shift, it’d be picked for me and I’d get stuck with a Sunday morning or – (Shudders) Saturday night.

Coworker 1: (Sympathy shudders) So why Monday mid-shift?

Coworker 2: Studies have shown that that’s one of the least busy restaurant and retail times of the week: hardly anyone goes out to shop and eat then, and the shift’ll end by early evening before the dinner crowd really shows up.

Coworker 1: Ooh.  That’s sneaky.

Coworker 2: (Starts reading on the phone again) Gotta do what’s best for you – with any luck, I can spend the least three quarters of the time straightening already-straightened inventory, and wiping up imaginary dirt.

Coworker 1: Wow.

(Manager suddenly bursts into the breakroom)

Manager: (To Coworker 1) OK-schedule’s-not-finalized-yet-but-I-wanted-to-give-you-a-heads-up-that-with-your-availability-it-looks-like-you’ll-be-at-the-food-counter-during-your-Saturday-night-shifts-and-maybe-Friday-nights-too-OK-byyyyyeeeee!!!! (Bursts out of the breakroom)

Coworker 1: (Stares at the closed door in shock) Did I just get volunteered?  In the worst shifts?!

Coworker 2: (Stares at the cell phone) Bummer – only way to get out of that now is to do so badly they’ll have you work anywhere else but there.  That’s my Plan B, so don’t do it right away.

Story 386: A New Account

(Background: I had written this for a short story contest and then realized I had misread one of the prompts and had to scramble to revise it before the deadline (which is probably why I didn’t advance to the next round) – I prefer this version over the one I submitted)

Cheryl would barely glance up every time a customer walked through the bank’s main entrance, but the one who just now came in gave her an unreasonable dread in the pit of her stomach.  There was nothing that stood out about this individual – face, hair, clothes, and shoes at first glance were all “normal” – but as he purposefully strode to sit in the waiting area there was an undefinable something that seemed a bit… off.

She thought back to the last time the bank had been robbed and all the training videos the employees had to sit through, but this customer did not quite line up with those scenarios so she felt unjustified in slamming the panic button – yet.

The customer was the only one seated in the waiting area and Cheryl was the only bank officer available, so she added her doubts to her all-day blistering headache as things to ignore, walked over to him, and smiled: “Hello!  My name is Cheryl – I can help you right over here.”  She held an arm out toward her desk.

The customer looked up at her and she immediately catalogued his sickly pale face, stringy hair, and a whiff of something that her unconscious brain screamed “SULFUR!”  But I wouldn’t know what sulfur smelled like unless it was pointed out to me, her conscious brain countered.  Her unconscious brain persisted in its decision as she led the customer to sit in the chair next to her desk as she sat in hers.

Wanting to speed this along, she immediately began working on the bank database instead of taking her usual 90 seconds to actually look the customer in the eye while she obtained some basic info: “So, what can we do for you today?”  Type-type-type-type-

“Well,” the customer said while dropping a heavy bag onto the desk, making Cheryl jump slightly in her seat.  “I’d like to make a deposit.”

“Oh?”  I’d bet all the coins I just heard jingling around in there that that bag didn’t exist until this moment.

“Yeah.  Actually, I guess what I really want is to open a savings account.  For all of this.”  The customer patted the bag, making the coins jingle some more.

“Oh.  OK.”  Cheryl settled into the familiar routine of creating a new account.  “If I may ask, is this from an inheritance?”

The customer chuckled in a way that Cheryl did not like at all: “You probably could call it that.”

Oh no, I’m smelling – SULFUR! – felony.  She stopped typing.  “Before we go any further, could I see some form of ID, please?  Driver’s license, passport photo, permanent resident card?”

“Oh, sure, um….” The customer patted a few pockets, then pulled out a paper driver’s license that had been taped up multiple times.

Cheryl stared at it for a few moments, then waited for her heart to start beating again before saying: “This expired….”

“Really?  Oh, shoot.”

“Almost 80 years ago.”

The customer looked thoughtful for a moment, then reached over to take back the license and stare at it.  “Has it been that long already?  Huh.  Time sure does fly no matter where you are in life, am-I-right?”

Mentally holding onto the evidence of fraud, Cheryl unobtrusively pressed the panic button while tamping down the internal panic as she realized no other employees or customers were within her line of sight.  “So – ” she had to clear her throat, “um, do you have any other forms of ID on you?”

“Nah, that was the last one I had.  Here, let me give you some of the backstory so you can help me figure out what’s the best type of account I can get for these beauties.”  The customer hugged the bag lovingly.

Cheryl tapped the button a few more times: “OK.”

“Sweet.  So, I came back from The War all messed up with what I saw over there – let me back up a bit: when I was over there, I was an ambulance driver and had to ferry soldiers and civilians who were shot up or blown up or ripped up or whatever up to the field hospital, and if I managed to get one in 50 of them there in time to be saved it was a miracle, know what I mean?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Yeah.  Rest of `em went to Charon the Ferryman, and I got sick of it.  I mean, here I am, busting my behind driving people through literal hell trying to save them, and in the end that guy gets `em anyway AND the coin payment to boot.  For doing what, exactly?”

“…Ferrying them across the River Styx to the Underworld?”

The driver scoffed: “Big deal: a river with no currents, or even any other boats; easiest job ever.  Ferrying them across a river filled with mines, bullets whizzing past your head, bombs exploding all around you, and your passengers screaming in agony and begging you to help them, THEN he’d have a case.  So I came back from The War and figured, why not get a little of my own back?  I deserved it.”

Cheryl’s throat could not get any drier: “How so?”

“Well, when you’re in the middle of all that death – you never served in the military, right?  I’m not preaching to choir, as the saying goes?”

“No.”

“`K.  So when you’re in the middle of all that death and pain and terror, it changes you, and usually not for the better.  And I figured, if people’re gonna die no matter what anyone does, why shouldn’t I get a little something for, you know, helping them along?”

Cheryl gulped: “‘Helping them along?’”

“Right.  So, instead of letting Charon get all the reward, I figured I’d cut him off at the pass, so to speak.”  The driver started to open the bag.  “Get `em while they’re fresh, and instead of them having to wait around for whenever his nibs and ferry decide to show up, I give `em an express ride to the afterlife and keep the coins myself.  It’s worked out beautifully, and somehow adds zero mileage to my car – I only get a few out of the thousands who die every day, but it’s enough that guy’s sooooo miffed at the drop in business.  Too bad you got competition after millennia of monopoly, pal!”  The driver laughed hysterically while burying his hands in the bag of coins, too many to count.

All Cheryl could do was stare at the bursting bag while her head pounded; the driver suddenly yanked his hands out of the bag and checked his wristwatch.

“Ooh, look at me rambling on here – sorry, it’s been so long since I could really talk to anybody about all this, you know?”  Cheryl looked back up at his waxen face.  “Anyway, we’ve only got a little time left so I was hoping I could get your advice before we go.”

“‘Go?’”

“Well yeah, that brain aneurysm’s gonna get you in about five minutes, and I gotta get you first or else you’ll go straight to Charon and then where’ll my cut be?”

The bank’s walls constricted around Cheryl’s unbearably painful head and she could no longer feel her extremities.  The driver leaned closer to her.

“So I gotta ask you – ”

The scent of sulfur nearly overwhelmed all of Cheryl’s senses; from a distance through her tunnel vision, she heard:

“You recommend money market or high-yield?”

Story 385: Spring Has Sprung Without Me

(Sibling 2 answers the phone)

Sibling 2: Hey – what’s up?

Sibling 1: Is that the first thing you think of when I call, that something’s wrong?

Sibling 2: Yes: you only call me when something’s wrong, otherwise you just e-mail or text or wait `til we meet in person.

Sibling 1: Oh.  I never realized I was so predictably self-absorbed.

Sibling 2: Don’t trouble yourself – so, what’s up?

Sibling 1: Yeah, so you know how you helped me move into the house about a year ago now?

Sibling 2: Wow, it’s almost a year already?  I feel like we did all that last weekend.

Sibling 1: Don’t get me started on time dilation –

Sibling 2: Don’t worry, I won’t.

Sibling 1: I’m calling because I really haven’t been here all that long, and there’s already a mess.

Sibling 2: Isn’t that just left over from the move?

Sibling 1: That was earlier: this is a whole new mess.  The detritus of life, if you will.

Sibling 2: I’d rather not.

Sibling 1: Well, with the weather finally getting nicer, and Passover and Easter greeting us with the promise of renewal, and Ramadan right around the corner –

Sibling 2: Really?  Seems early this year.

Sibling 1: It can fall on any month of the year since it’s based on a lunar calendar, so there is no “early.”  Anyway, back to me: my brain’s finally registering that it is, at last, spring.

Sibling 2: If you say so – I’m still wearing sweaters every other day.

Sibling 1: And with spring, I feel that I should do the time-honored tradition of… Spring Cleaning.

Sibling 2: AHAHAHAHAHA – oh, you’re serious.  Since when do you do Spring Cleaning?  Or any kind of cleaning, for that matter?

Sibling 1: I clean!  It’s just that the bare minimum I used to get away with at home isn’t going to cut it in my life anymore.

Sibling 2: Welcome to the Wonderful World of Home Ownership.

Sibling 1: Too late, I’ve been there for months.  So, you in?

Sibling 2: On what? You’re taking forever to get to the point.

Sibling 1: Helping me Spring Clean the place on Saturday!

Sibling 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh – what time?

Sibling 1: Preferably before 10, and I’ll order pizza for lunch.

Sibling 2: I’ll be there at 8.

 SATURDAY AT 8

(Sibling 1 opens the front door to Sibling 2)

Sibling 1: What’s all this?

Sibling 2: (Carrying a bulging trash bag) Supplies.  I figured you might need extra cleaners, dusters, sponges, buckets –

Sibling 1: Whoa-whoa-whoa, this is just cleaning, not clean­-ing.

Sibling 2: …I don’t follow.

Sibling 1: Come inside. 

Sibling 2: (Enters as Sibling 1 closes the door behind them, stares at the living  room, and drops the bag) What – ?!  This is the same mess I left you with when you moved in!

Sibling 1: (Chuckles) How unobservant you are.  That was all boxes of old stuff, which were conspicuously absent when you helped me decorate for the holidays in December.  This – (Spreads arms to encompass the room) – is the accumulation of whole new stuff that pretty much all of us fall victim to in this consumerist world.

Sibling 2: Hardly anyone’s living room looks like this!  You even bought an aquarium and don’t have any fish for it!

Sibling 1: It was a deal at a yard sale.

Sibling 2: You’re actually looking around to bring new junk in?!

Sibling 1: You gonna help me Spring Clean it all or what?

Sibling 2: (Sighs and takes off jacket) Yes, but you’re on your own for the actual cleaning that I thought was going to go on today.

Sibling 1: That’s fine; stuff like that’s a once-a-decade project anyway.

 SIX HOURS LATER

Sibling 2: (Stands in the middle of the now-spacious house, hands on hips, satisfactorily surveying the domain) Well, it’s not perfect, but definitely an improvement over the original monstrosity.

Sibling 1: (While eating, hands a slice of pizza on a plate to Sibling 2) Yeah – I can actually walk a straight line through the place now, thanks.

Sibling 2: Just remember to give away some of those clothes in the closet when you change back over to winter – you don’t need that many shirts.  Or pants.  Or Halloween costumes.

Sibling 1: You never know when an emergency sartorial situation may strike.

Sibling 2: Sure.  You got any soda?

Sibling 1: (Thinks while chewing) I believe there’s a can or two.  (Both walk to the kitchen; Sibling 1 opens the refrigerator door and hunts for a can as Sibling 2 stares in horror)

Sibling 2: What – who – where – how did this happen?!

Sibling 1: What, the food?  (Pops the tab and holds out the can)

Sibling 2: The food that’s everywhere!  This fridge was brand new when you moved in, and now it’s covered in stains and crumbs and I-don’t-want-to-know-what-else!

Sibling 1: (Glances casually at the fridge and runs a finger over a sticky shelf) Huh.  Didn’t notice in the day-to-day.  Guess it could use a wipe here and there.

Sibling 2: It could use a power wash!  Don’t you smell all the horrible, horrible odors combining into one giant STENCH?!

Sibling 1: No, but I have a bad sense of smell, you know that.

Sibling 2: (Storms off, grabs the bag of supplies, brings it into the kitchen, drops it onto the floor, pulls on a pair of gloves, and begins taking items out of the refrigerator and dumping them onto the kitchen table) Get some ice coolers if you can find any in that overflowing closet; get some bags of ice if you don’t have any packs in the freezer; and leave me alone for at least an hour!

Sibling 1: (Stares at the activity for a few moments while drinking the soda, then leaves to get the coolers; mutters to self) Doesn’t seem that bad.  If this is what the season’s gonna have every time though, I think I’ll skip spring next year.

Story 384: Putting Off a Chore

 (At the dinner table)

Parent: So, how was school today?

Child: (Shrugs) It was all right – the teachers still’re burdening us with unnecessary work, but I’m viewing it as training for the inevitable “Real World” that we all must grapple with, unceasingly, until the day we die.

Parent: OK; how was band practice?

Child: A lot of fun, but tainted by the knowledge that no matter how much I practice, I will never achieve membership in a repertory orchestra.

Parent: Right – when dinner’s over could you do that thing I asked you to do the other day, please?

Child: Oh.  You need that done now?

Parent: I needed it done the other day, but after dinner’ll do.

Child: You mind if I do some of my homework first?  I don’t think I’ll be as mentally equipped to face it if I wait `til afterward.

Parent: You must really dread doing this if you’d rather do homework first.

 LATER THAT NIGHT

 (Stretched across the bed, Child is scribbling in a notebook)

Parent: (At the bedroom doorway) So, did you do that thing I asked you?

Child: (Freezes) Oh.  I was so caught up in solving these quadratic equations I completely lost track of the time.

Parent: Uh-huh.  Make sure you do it after school tomorrow, OK?

Child: (Salutes) Righty-ho!

 AFTER SCHOOL TOMORROW

 Parent: (Answering the phone) Hello?

Child: Hi!  So, I found out today that Band’s playing at the senior center this afternoon, and we’ll be there for hours and hours making those lonely people all happy, so I won’t be home until it’s real late, so, yeah.

Parent: Isn’t that something you’d have to specifically volunteer for because the center can’t fit the whole band, and when you found out about it last week you’d told me you, quote, “didn’t really feel like it”?

Child: Yes, well, today I realized, those lonely people need me!

Parent: Uh-huh.  Call me when you need a ride home; you’re gonna do that chore for me tomorrow, then.

Child: Righty-ho!

 TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately, striding over to the windows to burst open the curtains)

Parent: Rise and shine – today’s the day!

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: You’re going to do that thing I asked you to do, today!

Child: Oh – actually, I forgot, today I’d said I’d tutor the elementary school kids in English in the morning, and then help out at the track meet in the afternoon.  Plus tonight I told your parents I’d make them dinner, so, yeah.

Parent: …Seriously?!

 THE NEXT TOMORROW

 (Parent courtesy knocks on Child’s bedroom door and opens it immediately)

Child: (Blinks awake) Mmf?

Parent: This is it!  Time for your chore!

Child: Oh – actually, you mind if I do it after conducting the children’s choir at Mass this morning and then running that blood drive for the county this afternoon? I’ll probably be exhausted by then, but I’ll find the time, somehow.

Parent: (Grabs Child by the feet and drags those to the floor) Up!  At `em!  Go, go, go!

Child: (Stumbles out of the room) Aw, shucks, this is cutting into my daily 5-mile run!

Parent: The daily run you’ve never done before today?  Now beat it!

 FIVE MINUTES LATER

 (Parent drinks coffee and reads the newspaper at the kitchen table; Child slumps into the room)

Child: Well – it’s done.

Parent: There, was that so hard?

Child: I guess not.  It took a lot less time than I thought, and now it’s finally over.

Parent: Good.  Now go make yourself presentable for the children’s choir.

Child: Oh yeah, that.  (Slumps out of the room)

Parent: (Resumes drinking coffee and reading the newspaper) It’s like pulling teeth – too bad it took so long to get done that I’ve forgotten what it was.