Story 446: Best Father’s Day EVER!

 (In a living room, Dad is reading a newspaper)

Dad: (Chuckling at the comics section) So corny, but still tickles my funny bone.  (Phone rings; Dad glances at the caller ID, smiles, and answers) Hey kiddo, what’s up?

Adult Child 1: So, the gang and I were talking –

Dad: Uh-oh.

Adult Child 1: No, it’s all good: we were talking about Father’s Day coming up and we decided this year we want to give you the Best Father’s Day EVER.  That last bit was in all caps, by the way.

Dad: Aw, honey, you know every year is the best Father’s Day.

Adult Child 1: You’re legally obligated to say that the moment you produce offspring!

Dad: …What?

Adult Child 1: Thanks for being sweet and all, but how many buffet brunches and backyard barbecues and banal bacchanalias can you suffer through before standing up and shouting “Enough is enough!”?

Dad: But I like all those things.

Adult Child 1: I’ll permit you to maintain the illusion; meanwhile, the gang and I purchased tickets for us all to go that day to Super Adventure Thrill-Ride Land, yay!

Dad: Oh!  Wow.  Thank you, that’s very nice of you all!

Adult Child 1: And it includes meals and any souvenirs you want; this covers your birthday too just so you know; we’ll pick you up at 8 a.m.; see you then; byeeeee!!!  (Ends the call)

Dad: (Places the phone back on the charger and stares out the window, gnawing on lip) Kinda wanted to watch the game that day.

 FATHER’S DAY

(Adult Child 1 pulls up the driveway of Dad’s house at 8 a.m. sharp, tooting the horn; Adult Children 2-3 are leaning out the car windows, waving wildly at Dad who was waiting by the front door)

Adult Children 1-3: HAPPY FATHER’S DAYYYYY!!!!  (Horn beep-beep-beeeeeps)

Dad: (Waves back at them, smiling broadly while muttering) Neighbors are gonna love me at this hour on a Sunday morning.  (Enters the passenger side and sits) Hey kiddos, thank you so much!

Adult Children 1-3: (Spinning noisemakers) Woooo-hoooo!

Adult Child 1: (While backing the car out of the driveway and embarking on the journey) Now, I checked the traffic and it’ll be bumper-to-bumper all the way there, so we should arrive just when the park opens at 10.

Dad: (As the car turns onto the highway and begins crawling to the jam-packed parkway) You timed it perfectly.

 TWO HOURS LATER

Adult Child 1: (Maneuvering the car through the tightly filled parking lot) All right everyone, keep your eyes peeled for a spot!

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s one!

Adult Child 1: Sweet.  (Signals to turn, then shuts that off and keeps driving) Nope – no, there’s a compact car in there already.

Adult Child 2: Oh.  (Points again) There’s one!

Adult Child 3: Motorcycle.

Dad: (Points) There’re plenty of spots over there.

Adult Child 1: But those’re alllll the way at the back of the lot!  You’ll be exhausted by the time we reach the main entrance!

Dad: I’m exhausted just sitting here for two hours, so the five-mile walk’ll be a nice change.

Adult Child 2: (Points) Oooh, there’s one!

Adult Child 1: That’s a pedestrian crossing!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  Knew it’d be too good to be true.

 20 MINUTES LATER

(The car is parked in the last row and they all disembark)

Adult Child 1: Right: after many fake-outs, we finally found this charming slot that dear old Dad pointed out ages ago; I acknowledge it, and in hindsight should have dropped you all off closer to the front and caught up with you later; “I told you so”s are thereby nullified; let’s roll!  (Starts running to the main entrance)

Dad: Uh, honey?

Adult Child 1: (Stops and runs back) Yes, Father?

Dad: Father needs a slower pace.

Adult Child 3: So do the rest of us.

Adult Child 2: Yeah, we’ve been sitting in a cramped space for that long and my legs are just now getting feeling restored to them.

Adult Child 1: Acknowledged – don’t let this hiccup dampen your energy level, though!

Adult Child 2: Woo-hoo!

Adult Child 3: Yippee!

Adult Children 1-3: (Grab Dad by the arms and all four trot forward) Wheeee!!!!

Dad: <Gulp>

 30 MINUTES LATER

(On the mile-long line at the main entrance)

Adult Child 1: I don’t believe this!

Dad: What, that there’s a line?  The curse of an overpopulated species, I’m afraid.

Adult Child 1: No, I can’t believe that the line for those of us with pre-paid tickets is longer than the line for unprepared people who are paying now!

Dad: (Looks at both lines and shrugs) One of the great mysteries of life.

 50 MINUTES LATER

(The family emerges into the park proper)

Adult Children 1-3: (Arms raised in triumph) WOOOOO-HOOOOO!!!!!

Adult Child 1: We made it, at last!  (Turns to Dad) So!  What would you like to do first?

Dad: Bathroom.

Adult Child 1: Yeah, me too.  (All four run to stand on lines at the nearest bathrooms)

 20 MINUTES LATER

(The group regroups)

Adult Child 1: So!  What ride should we do first?  (Blank stares in response) All right, let me try this one instead: who’s got the map?

Adult Child 2: Uhhhh….

Adult Child 3: Uhhhh….

Dad: I saw while we were waiting out front that it’s all digital now and you can scan a QR code somewhere.

Adult Child 1: I can’t believe I missed that!

Dad: Understandable: last time we were here was in the 90s.

Adult Child 2: Ah, the 90s.

Dad: Yeah, and Mom was the one who took care of the logistics.

Adult Child 3: Ah, good old Mom.

(They all take off their caps and bow their heads for a moment, then put them back on)

Adult Child 1: All right, I’ll just scan a code then, ummm…. (Looks around a bit) Where is it?

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s one!

(They run to a decorated column)

Adult Child 1: Nope, it’s a menu for this restaurant.

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s another one!

(They run to another decorated column)

Adult Child 1: It’s the entertainment schedule for the day!  (Is tapped on the shoulder by Dad) Where did you get that?!

Dad: (Holding a laminated park map) They had some leftover at the information desk – wanna get lunch first?

Adult Child 1: But we’re missing out on maximum ride utilization!

Dad: The employee there told me wait times are at least half an hour, and I want my buffet brunch.

Adult Child 1: But of course.  (Takes the map and studies it intensely, tracing a finger over it) So, would you like burgers, or… pizza, or… burgers, or….

Dad: (Points to a spot on the map) I would like to go there, please: it’s towards the back of the place so it’s probably not too crowded and it’ll have pretty much the same food as any of the ones around here.

Adult Child 1: (Hands back the map decisively) Sure thing – let’s go!

(Adult Children 1-3 grab Dad by the arms and all four trot forward)

(At buffet brunch, the group enjoys their burgers and pizza)

Adult Child 1: So, you think we should wait a bit before going on a ride since we’re all stuffed?

Dad: (Slurps a soda and shakes head) Probably can go straight to it – the line wait’ll take care of the rest.

Adult Child 1: True.

(A random child in the restaurant has a meltdown and is escorted out by the parents)

Adult Child 2: Awwww, remember when we were like that?

Dad: Vividly: your mother and I didn’t have a true family meal out together for years because one of us always had to take at least one of you outside until the tears stopped.

Adult Child 2: Oh.  Sorry about that.

Dad: Don’t be; it comes with the territory.  Looking back on it, the whole thing seems kinda funny now.

 30 MINUTES LATER

(The group waits on line for a roller coaster)

Adult Child 1: You think we can take turns making bathroom runs while the others keep our place in line?

Dad: I thought you’d never ask.  (Zips to the nearest bathroom line)

Fellow Line Waiter: Hey, no fair!

Adult Child 1: Like you’ve never done it or wish you had!

Fellow Line Waiter: Yeah, all right.

(On the ride, the group is divided into two cars)

Dad: (With Adult Child 1 as they are buckled in by ride attendants) You know, I think it’s been literally decades since I’ve been on one of these things – I’m actually a little nervous.

Adult Child 1: Ah, I wouldn’t; these things are so tame they’re – (Is cut off as the ride accelerates to 100 mph in four seconds and they spend the next two minutes screaming)

(The four stumble off the ride with shaky legs)

Adult Child 2: That was great!  Wanna go on the one that’ll take us upside-down underground and underwater?

Dad: You can if you like – I’m going to the carousel.

Adult Child 1: Right behind you.

Adult Child 2: Isn’t that one more for kids?

Dad: Unless there’s a height or weight requirement, in this place we’re all kids here.

Adult Child 3: Wish my metabolism knew that.

(After a shorter wait in line, the four of them ride artificial animals on the carousel)

Dad: (Gently bobbing up and down on a “horse”) Ahhhh…. (Turns to Adult Child 1 on a “shark”) The premise is so simple, yet the joys are endless.

Adult Child 1: (Staring out in to space) Isn’t that the truth.

 HOURS LATER

(The four begin their trek back to the car as the sun sets; they snack on cotton candy, ice cream, funnel cake, and lemon ice)

Adult Child 1: So bad, and yet so good.

Dad: Such is life.  I’ll probably regret this tomorrow, but right now it’s bliss.

Adult Child 2: So Dad, was this the Best Father’s Day EVER?

Dad: (Chuckles) It’s certainly one of the more memorable ones, but every year is the best, kiddo.

Adult Child 1: Told you he’d say that.

Adult Child 3: So how’re we gonna top this next year?  Get here at 7:30 instead?

Dad: I have an idea for next year.

Adult Children 1-3: Yes?

Dad: You all come over to my place and we hang out at the pool all day long.

Adult Child 1: But we can do that anytime!

Dad: Yes, but since it’d be Father’s Day, you three will be doing the cooking.

Story 445: Sidewalks Are for Losers: Public Service Announcement

 (Scene of a residential suburban street: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic)

Announcer: (Voiceover) Has this ever happened to you?

(A car turns the corner, stops suddenly behind Pedestrian 1, and blares the horn until the latter skitters onto the sidewalk)

Announcer: (V.O.) You’re walking along, minding your own business, when some car forces you off the very road you have just as much right to be on as they do?  (Pedestrian 1 and Driver shake fists at each other)

(Scene cuts to a strip mall parking lot: Pedestrian 2 walks across parking spots parallel to a sidewalk that would have led to the same destination; cars screech to a stop in the lanes or while backing out of spaces; drivers yell unintelligible abuse out of their windows)

Announcer: (V.O.) How much harassment must be endured before we say, “Enough is enough”?

(Scene cuts to a busy highway: Announcer is standing on a grassy median in the middle of the two-way traffic; horns occasionally blare as the cars zoom by) As a pedestrian, you know that you have the right of way.  But did you know that you have the right of way any time, any place, any situation?  So few of us seem to be aware that we can walk absolutely wherever we want, whenever we want; Big Automotive, however, takes any chance it can get to force us off of what it considers to be “its” roads.  Excuse me, but who built those roads?  Pedestrians!  What came before the wheel?  Feet!  (Starts walking across lanes of traffic while still addressing the camera; cars slam to a stop and nearly crash into each other, horns and voices now screaming) So, I’m asking you to join me today, fellow pedestrians, to literally take back our streets!  (Trots the last few feet to the other side of the highway, narrowly missing a front fender)

(Scene cuts to a residential development: a line of cars slowly crawls as Pedestrians 3 and 4 stroll down the middle of the street)

Announcer: (V.O.) Don’t let these bully cars herd us onto so-called “safe” walkways just so we can be out of their way!  We’re not cattle!  (Pedestrians 3 and 4 stop walking and begin to chat animatedly with each other, still in the middle of the street; the cars turn off their engines)

(Scene cuts to a metropolitan city street: bumper-to-bumper traffic barely moves as pedestrians walk all over six car lanes and two bike lanes)

Announcer: (V.O.) Cities are made for human beings, not buses and taxis!  They should get out of our way!

(Scene cuts to the same residential suburban street shown at the beginning: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic when a car turns the corner and stops suddenly behind the former; this time, Pedestrian 1 stares down the car until the latter reverses onto the previous street and waits as Pedestrian 1 now skips diagonally back and forth across the road)

            (Scene cuts to an airport: Announcer stands smack dab in the middle of the runway as planes take off and land overhead)

Announcer: So, stand up for yourselves!  Walk where you please!  Step aside and wait for no machine!  This is a pedestrian’s world – automobiles are just living in it!  And always remember: sidewalks are for losers!  Never yield!  Never – (Suddenly holds a hand up to an earpiece and listens) Yeah, we’re almost wrapped, what’s up?... What do you mean, the title actually was “Sidewalks Are Not for Losers”?!... Well, that would’ve been nice to know before I wrote and filmed the whole thing, now wouldn’t it?!

Story 444: Plant Power

 (At a walk-in clinic in a mountain town, Tourist waits in an exam room)

Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-sorry-for-the-wait-how-can-I-help-you?

Tourist: Oh, the wait doesn’t bother me anymore, it’s the same everywhere and I’m sure it’s 10 times worse here what with the constant influx of tourists like me pretty much all year long –

Doctor: Yes-yes-yes-what-seems-to-be-the-problem?

Tourist: Oh, yeah, that: I don’t feel so good.

Doctor: Yes-yes-yes?

Tourist: Well, I flew in from the Eastern seaboard yesterday and went hiking today, but ever since I woke up this morning I’ve been feeling nauseous and out of breath and headachey and an all-around hot mess and I’m in perfect shape, Doc!

Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Yes-yes-yes-you-have-altitude-sickness-from-the-elevation-change-easy-fix.

Tourist: But I was fine on the plane and that goes all the way up into space!

Doctor: (Briefly pauses typing to give Tourist a withering look, then resumes) The-plane-has-constant-forced-air-to-maintain-cabin-pressure-and-you’re-in-it-for-a-relatively-short-time-here-the-air’s-thinner-all-the-time-and-your-body-is-having-trouble-adjusting-to-the-lower-oxygen-level-so-you’re-experiencing-hypoxia-

Tourist: Oh no!  I’m dying, I knew it!

Doctor: (Continues typing) We’re-all-dying- (Tourist double-takes) your-blood-just-needs-more-oxygen-so-either-get-to-a-lower-altitude-now-or-get-lots-of-rest-drink-lots-of-water-pick-up-a-bottle-of-chlorophyll-at-the-supermarket-take-it-easy-for-a-few-days-and-you’ll-be-fine-otherwise-call-911-if-the-symptoms-get-worse-here-you-go- (Takes a piece of paper that a nearby printer issues and hands it to Tourist) any-questions?

Tourist: (Stares at the page) Yeah – does this have all you said just now?

Doctor: Nope-it’s-the-bill-bring-it-up-front-to-pay-feel-better-bye.  (Quickly exits)

Tourist: (Continues staring at the list of charges, then looks up) Did I hear “chlorophyll” in there?

(In a hotel room)

Tourist: (Stares at self in the mirror over the bathroom sink) OK, you can do this – it’s right there on the shelf with all the other vitamins and fish oil and whatevers, bold as brass, so clearly there haven’t been massive disasters associated with ingesting these.  (Opens a bottle labelled “Chlorophyll,” dumps out a bunch of pills into one hand, stares at them for a few moments, and grimaces) Here we go.  (Pops them into mouth and downs a huge bottle of water, smacking lips) Ahhh.  Now all that’s to be done is sleep it off, I guess.  (Leaves the bathroom and flops onto the bed) This’d better work, is all I gotta say: I am not wasting the rest of this trip “taking it easy.”

(The next day a group of hikers, each wearing a large backpack of supplies, gathers near a bus outside the hotel)

Tour Guide: Good morning!  Everyone here for the – (Checks clipboard) “Walk Up a Mountain So I Can Say That I Climbed It” Tour?

Tour Group Members: Oh yeah!

Tour Guide: Great!  You all can get on the bus and I’ll check you in before we depart.  (As the Tour Group Members board the bus, Tour Guide notices Tourist a bit apart from the group, and hesitatingly approaches) Hi!  Everything all right?

Tourist: (Has been standing in the bright sunlight with arms spread wide and face turned up to the sky, beaming) I have never felt better in my entire life.

Tour Guide: Great!  (Tourist has not moved) …We’re all boarding the bus now.

Tourist: (Immediately lowers arms and runs to the bus) Got it.

(At the trailhead, the Tour Group Members have disembarked and follow Tour Guide)

Tour Guide: Now, remember to keep drinking your water all throughout our hike; walk only where I do; and let me know immediately if you need to stop and rest – hey!

Tourist: Hm?  (Stops and turns back to face the group 50 yards behind on the trail)

Tour Guide: What did I just say?!

Tourist: (Absently scratches hands) Ummm… drink water?

Tour Guide: And stay with the group!

Tourist: Got it.  (Jogs back to the group)

Tour Gide: (To the rest) All right, let’s go!

(They begin their ascent on the walking trail)

Group Member 1: (To Tourist) You might want to slow down there, sport – it’s easy to get altitude sickness real fast up here if you’re not careful.

Group Member 2: (Pops in) Oh yes, remember that trip two years ago when you –

Group Member 1: Yes, thank you dear, it can be assumed that I speak from experience.

Tourist: (Had dumped a bunch of pills into one hand and dry-swallowed them; now walks with closed eyes, smiling at the sun again) Oh, I’m way beyond that now….

Group Member 1: (Mutters to Group Member 2) There’s always at least one weirdo on these excursions.

Group Member 2: Indeed.  Ever wonder if it’s us?

Group Member 1: (Opens mouth to respond, then closes it to think this over)

(An hour into the hike, the group stops to rest at a lookout point)

Tour Guide: Please take advantage of this time to see the beautiful valley below us….

Group Members: Ooohhh….  (Cameras and phones are whipped out)

Tour Guide: The fountain installed to refill your water bottles….

Group Members: Ooohhh…. (Several trot over to the fountain to refill)

Tour Guide: And the gorgeous weather we’ve been blessed with today.

Group Members and Tour Guide: (Turn up to face the sun) Aaahhh….

(As the Group Members continue to wander the lookout point, Tour Guide notices Tourist sitting with crossed legs and palms turned up)

Tour Guide: So!  How’re we feeling – refreshed?

Tourist: (Eyes closed) Refreshed – renewed – reincarnated…. (Briefly takes off cap to scratch scalp)

Tour Guide: Eh?  I mean, wonderful – awwww!  (Spots a deer approaching) Everyone, it looks like we have a visitor!  Be very still, please.

(The Group Members basically keep still, a few taking photos as the deer approaches Tourist)

Tourist: (Opens eyes) Hey there.  (The deer sniffs Tourist’s upraised palms and then tries to knock off the cap to sniff hair) Should I worry about rabies?

Tour Guide: (In a low voice) No, just ticks – try to back away slowly.

Tourist: (Slowly stands and walks backward; the deer stares after the former forlornly) Sorry pal, don’t got any food that’s good for you.

Deer: <You sure about that?>  (Tourist goggles, jaw agape)

Tour Guide: OK everybody, let’s get back to our hike!  (Waves at Deer) Bye-bye, deer!

Group Members: (As they continue on the trail) Bye, deer!

Deer: <Yeah, keep moving, parasites.>  (To Tourist, still standing in shock) <Well?  If you’re not going to help a hungry fellow creature, then shove off with the rest of your polluting relatives.>

Tourist: Actually, I’m not related to any of –

Deer: <You the same species?  Then you’re related, so SHOVE OFF!>  (Tourist runs to catch up with the others)  <I’ll never get over how they’re still the dominant species – boggles the mind.>

(An hour later, the group stops again)

Tour Guide: Take a good look here, folks, `cause this is the point where we turn around and go back.

Group Members: (Disappointed) Awww….

Tour Guide: Five-minute break!

Tourist: (Now scratching hands and head constantly, walks over to Tour Guide) Excuse me, is there any poison ivy around here?

Tour Guide: Not at this altitude, why?

Tourist: (Scratching intensifies) I must’ve picked up something – I’ve been itching for hours now.

Tour Guide: (With dread) It wasn’t the deer, was it?

Tourist: Nah, it started way before the deer – (Scratches palms even harder and winces) Owww – (Green leaves suddenly burst from each hand) AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Tour Guide: Aaaahhhhh!!!!  (Rips off Tourist’s cap to reveal a pretty flower springing up from the top of the latter’s head) Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Group Members: (All turn simultaneously to see what the commotion is about) Aaaahhhhh!!!!

Tourist: (Eyes roll up trying to look at scalp) What?!

Tour Guide: (In a choked voice) Nothing.

Tourist: (Holds out hands to Tour Guide, who backs away) What is this?!  Is this altitude sickness?!  I thought I was cured!

Group Member 1: (Calmly strolling over with Group Member 2) Ah, you take too much chlorophyll?

Tourist: (Spins to face them) How’d you know what I was taking?!

Group Member 1: (Pointedly looks at the other’s hands and head) It’s pretty obvious.

Tourist: (Reaches above head and feels the flower) Oooooh, this is so creepy, get it off, get it off, get it off!  (Tries to pull it out) Owwwww!!!

Group Member 1: Best to let it wither up with lack of water and sun; it’ll drop right off.  Assuming you stop taking the pills, that is.

Group Member 2: Oh yes – (To Group Member 2) remember that trip 10 years ago when you –

Group Member 1: Yes dear, once again it can be assumed that I speak from experience.  (To Tourist) If you’d rather, I can try to find that deer to take care of this for you in the meantime.

Tourist: (Crying, slumps to the ground, staring at hands in horror as the flower twitches from the movement) I just wanted to feel well enough to hike a mountain…. (To the Group Members) Is this my monster origin story?!

Tour Guide: (Disconnects from a phone call) OK, here’s the deal: we can’t helicopter you off of here, so do you think you can make it back down to the trailhead where an ambulance can take you to the hospital?

Tourist: (Sniffles, uses the hand leaves to wipe away tears, and nods) Uh-huh: nothing’s sprouted on my feet yet.

Group Member 3: What about your face?  That begonia or whatever made it through using just the tiny holes in your cap, and your whole face’s been exposed for hours!

Tourist: (Gasps) You’re right!  (Feels in panic around face) They’re bumps everywhere!

Group Member 1: That’s just acne.

Tourist: Oh, right.  Guess we can go now.  (Shakily stands, with assistance from Tour Guide)

Group Member 4: (Comes forward with a camera) Would you mind if I take your picture, as a freaky memento?

Tourist: Sure.  At least somebody’ll have a good memory of this trip.

(At a hospital, Tourist lies on a bed in a private room while wearing bandages on hands and head)

Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-how-are-you-feeling?

Tourist: Oh my gosh, you work here too?!

Doctor: Doctors-are-in-short-supply-in-this-part-of-the-country-so-how-are-you-feeling-please?

Tourist: (Sighs) Better.  Horrified, but better.

Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Good-good-good-any-of-the-previous-symptoms-back?

Tourist: Nope, those seem to be taken care of as well.

Doctor: Good-good-good-you-can-be-discharged-today-with-follow-up-wound-care-bye.  (Starts to exit quickly)

Tourist: Hey, Doc!  (Doctor quickly turns around and returns to the bedside) Not for nothing, but a heads-up on the dosage amount for the chlorophyll would’ve helped!

Doctor: (Gives a withering look, then leans in a bit) You.  Should.  ALWAYS.  Read.  The.  Label.  Before.  You.  Take.  Something.  New.

Tourist: …Good point.

Story 443: Human Body Complaint Desk

 (Brain is stationed at a table processing complaints from various organs, etc. in an individual human body)

Brain: (To Heart) I understand you’re working harder than you’ve ever had since puberty, but don’t you also think that that work’s long overdue, hm?

Heart: I suppose – just wish you’d ease off a bit on the extreme exercise and let us all work our way up to the hour-long cardio, yeah?  It’s been a while since we had gym class five days a week that kept us moving, and none of us are as young as we used to be.

Brain: Fair enough: I’ll send the signals to scale back our drive from “Make Up for Lost Time” to “Baby Steps,” would that work?

Heart: Definitely.  Ooh, and can you also send a message to reintroduce just a little bit more salt back into the diet?  I’m loving the cleanse, but I do need a smidgen of the old sodium chloride to keep the gears a-movin’.

Brain: (Sighs while taking notes) I’ll see what I can do; all-or-nothing seems to be the only approach Consciousness understands, so conflicting messages may make the whole works start freaking out.  Plus it’s hard sending a direct message on a good day, what with the disconnect and all.

Heart: Whatever you can do would be much appreciated – ta!  (Jogs off)

Brain: (Mutters while still writing notes) Less salt – more salt – run more – run less – I can’t keep up with all these lifestyle changes, and I initiated most of them.  Next!  (Sees Tongue approach, dragging along Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) Oh, blergh, not you again, Tongue – your complaints have gotten to the point where I’ve pre-screened them all as “Frivolous.”

Tongue: And I’ve chosen to ignore it.  (Releases the other three) Brain: I’ve been patient.  I know, in the past, I’ve led us all a tad astray with my needs and desires which, I admit, have not always been in our collective best interest –

Brain: Putting it mildly: I’m still amazed that the amount of sugar you’ve had us ingest over the years never tipped us over into full-blown diabetes.

Pancreas: (Passing by) You’re welcome, by the way.

Brain: (Casually salutes Pancreas, then returns to Tongue) You were saying?

Tongue: Yes, what I mean is, I’ve been doing my best to make amends for all that, and being a team player with this new “healthy lifestyle” you suddenly got it into yourself to embrace – I’ve never complained once about all the bland, flat fuel that seem to be the only items on the menu now, because I know we all benefit in the long run.

Brain: And I thank you, Tongue; I know this must be difficult for you, so we’re all grateful for your cooperation.

Tongue: Quite.  So, believe me when I say that these three (Grabs Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines and pulls them forward) have crossed the line, and I will not stand for it a second longer!

Stomach: (As all three shake off Tongue) Buzz off, Tongue – I’m still getting over the ulcer all those years of soda wore into my lining!

Small Intestines: And don’t get us started on the decades we’ve had to work overtime extracting whatever nutrition we could from the garbage passing through our tracts!

Large Intestines: I don’t know how we stood it.

Tongue: If you’ve been paying any attention at all here, you know I’m a changed organ!  I concede the error of my ways, and strive to do better.

Brain: So what’s the problem?

Tongue: (Points to the others) These three randomly decided they don’t feel good, so they convinced you – (Points to Brain) to bring in that!  (Points to Ginger, lounging in a chair nearby)

Ginger: `Sup.

Brain: Oh yeah – well, we were told that would help with nausea; what’s it to do with you?  You haven’t minded in the past.

Tongue: Well!  Little did you know – or maybe you secretly did – there was a hidden ingredient tucked away in the depths of this fiend whose spiciness we’ve barely tolerated for the greater good!  (Goes to Ginger, reaches inside, and pulls out Cayenne Pepper) This – ABOMINATION!

Cayenne Pepper: (Waves at everyone) Howdy-do!

Tongue: Ugh!  (Drops Cayenne Pepper; the latter gets up to sit on the chair with Ginger)

Brain: Huh.  What’s that doing there?

Tongue: A very valid question, Your Honor!

Brain: Calm down – this isn’t a trial, it’s just a complaint desk.

Tongue: Right.  So, here I am, helping out some colleagues when they need me –

Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines: HA!

Tongue: – and processing the wildly unpleasant Ginger –

Ginger: Easy there, buddy.

Tongue: – as I have in the past as you said, which is fine, I’ve adjusted – when out of nowhere, some new brand must’ve been picked up or TARGETED, because this one – (Gestures to Cayenne Pepper) bursts onto the scene and literally sets me on fire!

Cayenne Pepper: (Waves off Tongue) A bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?

Tongue: I nearly shut down for a week!  And it wasn’t just me: Eyes’ll tell you all about their system overload!  (Gestures to Eyes) Go on, tell them!

Left Eye: …Well, there may have been a minor tearing-up situation.

Right Eye: No biggie.

Tongue: Could’ve fooled me!

Brain: (To Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) All right, I’ve heard from the accuser – what do you all have to say for yourselves?

Large Intestines: I agree, it was a bit of a shock too, at first, but as it worked through us the results were very, ah, effective.

Stomach: Nausea all gone, that’s what I care about.

Brain: Indeed, it was quite the whirlwind that day.  (To Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) Anything you want to add?

Ginger: (Stretched out for a nap) Uh-huh: I fail to understand what all this whining’s about.

Cayenne Pepper: Yeah, what can we say?  We get the job done.

Tongue: But what about me???!!!

(Everyone else stares at Tongue)

Brain: Sorry Tongue, but like everything else, you’re just going to have to deal with it.  And I’m not sorry.  (Waves to the waiting Spinal Cord) Next!

Tongue: (Leans across the table to get into Brain’s personal space) Brain, please, I’m begging you: just some potato chips once in a while, or-or a milkshake if we’ve all been really good, anything to offset this new madness of Hot and Hotter!

Brain: Now Tongue, you know if we go back to having those kinds of things regularly, that’s a slippery slope to you wanting them all the time again –

Tongue: I do now!  Is that so wrong?!

Brain: Yes: our doctor said if we didn’t change our ways we’d soon have all the comorbidities.

Tongue: I know, but then don’t turn around and punish me with hellfire!

Cayenne Pepper: Heh, that’s a good one – I think I’ll call myself that now.

Ginger: Don’t push it.

Stomach: (Together with Small Intestines and Large Intestines gently tries to pull Tongue away from the table) Come on, Tongue, your temporary suffering really does help us out big time.

Small Intestines: I’ll say.

Large Intestines: (Looks at Cayenne Pepper) Whoo-whee!

(Cayenne Pepper winks back at them)

Tongue: (Starts weeping while holding onto the table) It’s not fair!  I’m trying to be good, but you all still hate me so!

Brain: (Tiredly beckons Tongue a bit closer) One piece of dark chocolate every few days, OK?  And we’ll work on finding some tasty healthy stuff.

Tongue: (Hugs Brain, now weeping with joy) Bless you, bless you!  (Allows the other three to guide them all away) You won’t regret this!  (Passes by Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) You – !

Ginger and Cayenne Pepper: (Wave cutely at Tongue) Byeeee!!

Brain: Be gracious in victory, please.

Ginger: Hey, we’re the ones helping you all out, don’t forget.  (Leaves with Cayenne Pepper)

Brain: (Shuddering) Don’t I know it.  (To Spinal Cord) Sorry for the wait – what can I do for you?

Spinal Cord: (Approaches the table) Well, I just wanted to let you know that with this new regime of actually getting up throughout the day, and walking, and moving around in general, and intense activity, and better nutrition, and sleeping enough each night, have really done wonders for that constant pain I used to be in – you’re doing a great job, keep up the good work!

Brain: (Taken aback) Oh.  Thank you.  So this isn’t a complaint, then?

Spinal Cord: Not at all!  It’s positive feedback!

Brain: I’m not sure how to deal with that.

Story 442: Hair in the Eye of the Beholder

 (In Friend 1’s apartment, an alarm radio goes off in the morning)

Radio DJ: – enough of you ungrateful listeners: I come in here at 6 a.m. every weekday on two hours’ sleep and have to scream like a maniac for nearly four hours straight; and my day doesn’t end at 10 a.m., oh no, I’ve still got hours of show planning and ad recordings and all those extra events the station hosts, and all of you at home in your cozy PJs and hot coffee and burnt toast have the nerve to call me lazy?!  You have no idea, no idea –

Friend 1: (Had opened one eye while listening, then slams a hand on the radio button to turn it off) Finally lost it, eh?  About time.

(Slowly goes through morning ablutions, eats a minimal breakfast, then double-takes while passing a mirror on the way out the door)

Friend 1: (Peers closer, tugging on a long lock of hair) Ew, gettin’ a little shaggy and gross there, my friend.  Guess I’ll have to schedule a haircut soon.  (Thinks about everything involved in that ordeal) Ughhhh….  (Leaves for work)

(At an office, Friend 1 walks with Coworker to a conference room)

Friend 1: I can’t take much more of these consultant meetings – I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m interviewing for my own job.

Coworker: I think we are, actually.

Friend 1: Oh.  Well that’s a bummer.

Coworker: Yeah, that’s why I’ve been dressing a little more business and a little less casual lately – (Stops to straighten suit jacket) Do I look all right?

Friend 1: (Also stops and does a quick appraisal) Yes, you look very professional and job-worthy.  How about me?

Coworker: You look fine.

Friend 1: Doesn’t sound as promising, but thanks.

Coworker: You know, not to get too personal but I love what you’ve done with your hair.

Friend 1: Heh?

Coworker: Did you get it done recently, or do you use a certain product?  It looks fantastic.

Friend 1: …Is this some sort of twisted joke to lighten the ominous mood around here?

Coworker: Not at all – it must’ve taken you hours to get that careless tousled look.  I wish my hair could do that; all I’ve got are tight-ringed curls that always look the same, what a nightmare.

Friend 1: …. (Blinks) …Seriously?!

Coworker: Yes!  What’s the matter?

Friend 1: I haven’t washed my hair in over three days!  Brushing does nothing lately!  It needs to be mowed, by a chainsaw!  What on Earth are you going on about?!

Coworker: Oh.  Guess it’s hideous, then.  (Resumes walking to the meeting)

Friend 1: That one’s having a laugh.  (Sees a reflective surface and runs a hand through the mess) Eurgh, it’s feeling greasier by the second.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are in Hour 2 on an advanced trail)

Friend 2: I feel like I could do these trails all day, but if I ever had to do any real hiking, up a mountain or something, I have a sneaking suspicion I wouldn’t make it past the first mile.

Friend 1: Yeah, it’s always best to avoid situations that’d expose our inadequacy.  (Takes off a cap briefly to scratch head)

Friend 2: (Looking over) Oh, wow.

Friend 1: What, it’s not another tick, is it?!

Friend 2: No, nothing like that, it’s just – your hair looks amazing right now, I can’t believe it.

Friend 1: (Stops and stares at Friend 2, who also stops) I thought we’d agreed never to lie to each other.

Friend 2: (Laughs) I’m not, Paranoia: I’d figure with the hat and the sweat it’d be a bit messy, but I think all that’s actually working to make it look nice.  You know, that wavy, windswept, studied indifference look.  Wish I could get mine to do that – right now it’s all stringy and blah.

Friend 1: I don’t get it.

Friend 2: Well, we’ve been walking a long time and I’d rather not take my hat off to show you but –

Friend 1: Not yours, mine!  You’re the second person to say it looks great when I know it’s a disaster!

Friend 2: Doesn’t look like a disaster, though.

Friend 1: How can you say that?!  I haven’t washed it in four days; it hasn’t been styled or even trimmed in over six months; the layers are all grown out and in my eyes; its default mode is oil slick; it looks like garbage and IT FEELS LIKE TRASH!

Friend 2: (Shrugs and continues walking) The combination of all that must be perfect, then.  Although you probably want to wash it more often just for personal hygiene, though.

Friend 1: I’ve been busy!

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (At a hair salon)

Friend 1: (Is led to the hair washing station by a trainee, leans back in the seat, and closes eyes) Ahhhhh, this’ll be a relief, let me tell you.

Trainee: (Laughs obligingly while preparing the shampoo) We aim to please – oh, wow.

Friend 1: (Opens one eye) What?

Trainee: I have to say, your hair looks a-maz-ing like that – you sure you want us to do anything to it?

Friend 1: (Opens other eye) What?!

Trainee: (To Hairdresser passing by) Hey – here’s your 5:30; have you ever seen such locks?

Hairdresser: (Walks over to the other two to look) You know, we’re not supposed to comment on the clients’ appearance – oh, wow.

Trainee: I know, right?!

Hairdresser: Those waves, those layers – (To Friend 1) I have to ask: what’s your secret?

Friend 1: Dirt.

Hairdresser: Hm?

Friend 1: I haven’t washed it in days `cause I was coming here!  To have it washed right now, as a matter of fact!

Hairdresser: Oh.  But those waves….

Friend 1: Untouched by a professional for half a year: what you see before you is the result of extreme negligence and the ravages of time!

Hairdresser: (Pulls out a cell phone) Mind if I take a picture in case other clients want to duplicate this… fantastic look?

Friend 1: (Closes eyes again) Go right ahead.

 THE NEXT DAY

(At a movie theater lobby, Friend 2 sees Friend 1 enter, wearing a hat)

Friend 2: So?  Did you get your hair all fixed to your satisfaction?

Friend 1: I did indeed.  (Whips off the hat to show a short, sharp haircut) It feels wonderful and so freeing – what do you think?

Friend 2: …I think it makes you happy.

Friend 1: That’s a non-answer; you don’t have to love it, but isn’t it at least an improvement over the landfill that was perched on my head before?

Friend 2: Honestly?

Friend 1: Preferably.

Friend 2: I liked it better the way it was before.

Friend 1: Un-freaking-believable.

Story 441: Can You Hear Me?!

 (Customer is at home, calling a company on a cell phone)

Automated Menu: Hello, thank you for calling -------------.  To confirm, is your address --- ------- -----?

Customer: Yes.

Automated Menu: …I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

Customer: Advanced to idioms now, eh?

Automated Menu: Please repeat.

Customer: Yes!

Automated Menu: …Let’s try this one more time.

Customer: Ugh, let’s.

Automated Menu: Please say “Yes,” or press 1; please say – (Customer presses 1) …. Thank you.  One moment, please.  (Takes several moments)  To better serve you, please state the reason you are calling –

Customer: Representative!  Human representative!

Automated Menu: …Let’s try this one more time.  Please say “Hours of operation,” or press 1 –

Customer: REPRESENTATIVE!!!

Automated Menu: …One moment please, while I transfer you to a Customer Service Representative.

Customer: (Sighs in relief) Thank you, Robot.

Automated Menu: You’re welcome.

Customer: Huh?

(Hold music plays for a minute)

Customer Service Representative: Hello, my name is --------, may I have your first and last name, please?

Customer: You didn’t give me your last name.

Customer Service Representative: That’s for our protection, and we ask yours to prevent confusion and fraud.

Customer: Oh, OK; it’s ------ --------.

Customer Service Representative: Thank you – and how may I assist you today?

Customer: Yes, I have a – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ] on my – [CRACKLE-CRACKLE] bill, and – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ] –

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, the phone keeps cutting out, could you repeat that, please?

Customer: Ohhh-kaaaay…. (Moves outdoors to a patio) How’s this?

Customer Service Representative: Better, thank you.

Customer: OK, so – [BZZZZ-BZZZZ-BZZZZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, the interference actually seems to have gotten worse – can you try calling back on a landline, please?

Customer: No one has landlines anymore!  Besides – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZ] it’s your phone!

Customer Service Representative: My phone is a landline and it’s been fielding calls all day with no issues.

Customer: Ughhhhhh – [BZZZZ] Hold on – [CRACKLE] (Climbs a nearby tree to the highest bough) There – how’s that?

Customer Service Representative: Much better – for now.

Customer: Sooooo, I’m calling today because my monthly bill came in and it’s [CRACKLE-BZZZZZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: (Quietly sighs) I’m sorry, the phone is cutting out again; please call back when you have a better signal.  (Moves to disconnect the call)

Customer: NO!  I – [BZZZZ] all day before I could call – [CRACKLE-CRACKLE-CRACKLE] don’t it’ll be too late – [BZZZZ-BZZZ] don’t pay us overtime!

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, but I do have to end this call now if only to preserve my hearing.

Customer: (Spots something in the sky) Wait!  Just give me two minutes!  (Sticks the phone in a pants pocket, climbs to the tip-top of the tree, reaches up, and grabs a rope hanging down from a passing hot air balloon)

Balloonist: (Leaning over the edge of the tilting basket) Hey!  No passengers!

Customer: I just need to finish this call with Customer Service!

Balloonist:  (Nods) Carry on.  (Returns to steering the balloon)

Customer: (Holding onto the rope with one hand, takes out the phone with the other, and yells over the prevailing wind) Can you hear me better now?!

Customer Service Representative: Yes, but there’s also a lot of background noise.

Customer: Ignore it!  Now, about my bill – (A bird flies in Customer’s face) Ahhhh!!!!

Customer Service Representative: Are you all right?!

Customer: (Spitting out feathers) Yes, thank you!  No bird will take this phone away from me!

Customer Service Representative: What?!

Customer: So!  My bill – [BZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: (Sighs louder) It’s happening again.

Customer: Huh?  (Looks up and sees dark clouds full of flashing lightning are passing overhead)

Balloonist: (Leaning over the edge of the basket again) I have to take it down now, sorry!

Customer: No, wait, I can’t go any lower, I’ll lose the call – (Spots a nearby jet plane taking off and points at it) Yes!  Take us closer!

Balloonist: Ah, no.

Customer: Fine!  (Sticks the phone between teeth, grabs the rope with both hands, swings widely, lets go, and flies through the air to land on top of the jet)

Balloonist: (Shakes head while landing the balloon) Nutjob.

Customer: (Holding onto the accelerating and ascending jet, maneuvers the phone to hold it against the plane with both hands, and puts it on speaker) CAN – YOU – HEAR – MEEEEEE????!!!!!

Customer Service Representative: (Lowers headset volume and places it on the desk) Yes, shockingly enough.

Customer: GREAT!  I – HAVE – A – QUESTION – ABOUT – MY – BILL –

Customer Service Representative: Yes, we’ve established that.

Customer: IT – WENT – UP – THIS – MONTH – BUT – I – STILL – SHOULD – HAVE – A – DISCOUNT – UNTIL – THE – END – OF – THE – YEAR!

Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing rapidly) Right, let’s see what’s going on with the account then…. Ah, it looks like there’s a new promotion instead that’ll carry over into next year, so with your permission I’ll add that to your account now and refund you the difference for this month’s bill, OK?

Customer: [BZZZZZ-CRACKLE]

Customer Service Representative: Hello?

Customer: [BZZZ] – ELLO?!

Customer Service Representative: (Quietly) I think it’s happening again.  Just as we were making progress.

Customer: (Squints up against the slipstream and sees Aurora Borealis flaring overhead) SHOOT!  I – NEED – TO – GET – HIGHER!!!

Customer Service Representative: “Higher?”  Where on Earth are you right now?!

Customer: NOT – ON – IT!

Customer Service Representative: Eh?

Customer: HOLD – ON – PLEASE! 

Customer Service Representative: Heh, that’s my line.

Customer: (Puts the phone back between teeth, slowly stands on the now-level jet, swings arms, and leaps in a wide arc to land on the side of a space shuttle lifting off.  After slipping inside the payload bay doors to put on a spacesuit before leaving Earth’s atmosphere, the phone now floats inside the helmet) Can you hear me all right now?

Customer Service Representative: (Puts on the headset again) Crystal clear, although… is that forced oxygen I’m hearing in the background?

Customer: Never mind that – about my bill?

Customer Service Representative: Ah yes – (Begins typing again) As I was saying, with your permission I’ll add a new promotion for the next 12 months and refund you the difference on your next bill, so your new monthly total will be $--.--.  Do I have your permission to proceed with this?

Customer: You do indeed.

Customer Service Representative: (Finishes typing with a flourish) And… done!  You’re all set!

Customer: (Sighs in relief) Thank you so much!  I really appreciate it.

Customer Service Representative: My pleasure!  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Customer: Yes, as a matter of fact… (Now seated on an astronaut maneuvering unit, opens the payload bay doors again and launches self toward Earth) Would you be able to lock onto my cell phone signal at 7,000 miles above sea level and navigate me back to my home address, please?

Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing again) Surprisingly, yes.

Story 440: Feel the Burn: Behind the Scenes

 (At a gym after an intense exercise class)

Host: (Sweating with everyone else) Whoo!  We all did great today, I’m so proud of us, see you next time!

(The attendees stagger out the door as Partner enters)

Partner: (To Host) Hey, you done for the day?

Host: (Toweling off) Almost: got a dance cardio workout starting in 15 minutes, so that’ll be my cool-down for the end of the day.  Wanna go for a five-mile run afterward?

Partner: No thanks: I climbed three flights of stairs in my office building earlier, so I’m all set for the day.

Host: (Chuckles sinisterly) Don’t worry, you’ll join us one of these days.

Partner: You know, I’ve been thinking: why don’t you film some of these routines and put `em online?  You’d probably get a lot of followers and make a nice bit of change with all the views and the ads and the sponsors and the what-nots, assuming they’re not all robots.

Host: (Thinks on that while drinking a full bottle of water, then shakes head) Nah; that actually came up way back in orientation and we were told we’re not allowed to film what we do here; I think it’s viewed as “double-dipping” and a “privacy nightmare,” and they’d be a bit irritated I’m using their facilities to take away their own customers.

Partner: Fair enough – you can film them at home, then.

Host: Ew, have everyone see our apartment, gross!

Partner: Our apartment’s not that gross.

Host: Of course it isn’t; I meant the entire digital world seeing it would be gross.

Partner: Oh – we can just clear out some space for you to film, then; no big deal.

Host: Where, your half of the closet?

Partner: No, silly, in the living room!  We can move the TV over to the other side and you can set up an area by the back wall; I probably just need to relocate the faux Mona Lisa hanging up there right now.

Host: (Thinks some more on that, then nods) Uh-huh, OK, I still have the filming equipment from when my video game live streams failed to take off….

Partner: Oh yes, that.

Host: You think people’d want to see my workouts, though?  I mean, there’re already a bajillion videos to pick from – I think I’m too late to the game and the market’s saturated.

Partner: Possibly, but people here like your classes a lot; yours are uniquely… intense.

Host: (As new class members arrive) That they are: only the exceptionally strong survive in these four walls.  The rest I kick out, and they still love me for it.

Partner: (Backing out the door while the class members set themselves up with their mats) We’ll talk more later – just think about it while you’re… (Waves arms around the room) whatever it is you’re about to do here.

Host: Feel free to sign up!

Partner: You’re funny.  (Runs away)

Host: (Turns on music and faces the class) Hey-hey-hey, everybody!  Ready to dance the night away?!

Class: Yeah!

Host: Well we only have 45 minutes, so this’ll have to do – and kick!  And kick!  And spin!  And split!  And leap! And pirouette!  And high kick!  And spin the other way!  And rond de jambe!  And pas de bourrée!  And higher kick!  And – you!  (Points to a class member in the back, then thumbs to the door) Out!

Class Member: (Head bowed, grabs mat and trots out the door) Yes, Teacher; sorry, Teacher.

Host: (To the rest of the class) Now dip yourselves!

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(In Host and Partner’s living room, half of which has been converted into a film studio)

Host: (Clipping on a small microphone) You realize we can’t have guests over here anymore, right?

Partner: (Adjusting lights and setting up the camera) No worries: I’ve gotten to be a pro at taking down and reassembling all this stuff.

Host: If you say so.  (Reviews notes and lightly bounces on feet) You know, I’m never nervous teaching classes at work, but for some reason right now this is low-key freaking me out.

Partner: Makes sense – this is something the whole world will see; I’d be a wreck if I were you.

Host: Thanks.

Partner: (Walks over to adjust Host’s microphone) The beauty of this is that it’s not live – we can stop whenever you want and fix it in post.

Host: “Post”?

Partner: Post-production.  We can edit out any mistakes later.

Host: Oh.  Well, I don’t want to stop – we’re all supposed to be doing this together, at the same time.  If I keep stopping mid-routine and expect them to keep going, it’ll be inauthentic.

Partner: Whatever you want – just know that we can always start over again from the top if something gets messed up.

Host: There is no “starting over” in my workout classes!  We own our mistakes and commit through to the end, whatever that may be!

Partner: Fine, then consider this take as dress rehearsal, happy?!

Host: Yes.  Proceed.  (Starts generic upbeat music)

Partner: Oh yeah, we’re also gonna have to make sure whatever music you use is public domain or else we’re gonna get sent a takedown notice for the video.

Host: I guess that’s reasonable, yet I feel unreasonably irritated at the possible extra work.  Anything else I should be aware of as I enter the online jungle?

Partner: No, I think that’s it for now – I’ll monitor your comments section and get rid of the trolls and any flame wars.

Host: My hero.  (Takes place in the center of the cleared space as Partner starts the camera, signaling Host to begin)

Host: (Voice cracks) Hey – ahem, cough – Hey-hey-hey!  My name is –

Partner: Your name’ll be on the channel; no one needs to hear it.

Host: Oh.  I had a whole intro and everything.

Partner: Just type it up for the channel description and get to the meat!

Host: Yes, boss. 

Partner: [Grinds teeth]

Host: (Clears throat) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  This video is a basic cardio workout for all you beginners out there – if this doesn’t scare you away, then stick around for the advance class coming up at undetermined date!

Partner: Edit that last part out.

Host: I want them to know there’ll be an advance class coming up at an undetermined date.

Partner: They’ll either sign up for your alerts or never come back anyway; I’m going to revise your script later, just – keep going!

Host: Rude.  (To the camera) Now, let’s warm up first! (Warms up for five minutes) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!  Now, onto the main workout – first up, lunge-to-push-up-to-lunge!  (Lunges, drops to deep push-ups, jumps back up to a lunge, and continues)

Partner: You sure this is beginner?

Host: It is in my class!  (On a lunge, knocks over a light) Shoot!

Partner: (Runs to fix the light) I’ve got it – keep going!

Host: But –

Partner: I SAID “KEEP GOING”!!

Host: Sheesh. (Smiles at the camera) Time to work on those abs!  (Lies down on a mat and does twisting crunches while kicking out the opposite leg) Faster, faster, mwahahaha!

Partner: (Back behind the camera) Easy there; you’ll scare off potential viewers.

Host: There’s no room on this channel for cowards!

Partner: You might want to ease them into that fact, though.

Host: (Sighs) Fine, I’ll hold myself back a bit for this session.  (To the camera) You get one freebie, Internet World, you hear me?!

Partner: No, they don’t.

Host: Right.  (Jumps up) Now, onto high kicks!  (Kicks high up and knocks over the light again) Unbelievable!

Partner: (Runs to fix the light, then runs back to the camera) At least I know the blocking for this area now.

Host: (Still high-kicking) And we’ve only just begun!  (Does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle)

Partner: Whoa, maybe save that move for one of your advance classes.

Host: (Still cycling) Why?  It’s beginner – advance is doing this while using your teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight, but I’ll have to wait for the sponsor big bucks before I can show off that one.

Partner: …Please do.

Host: Ooh, I also should bring out the chains and the monster truck tire –

Partner: No!  This one’s beginner!  No equipment!

Host: Who said “No equipment”?

Partner: I do!  You want to ease everyone in first so they come back for increasing punishment!

Host: But what about the rowboat?  (Points to the rowboat in the corner)

Partner: Nothing!

Host: I feel so confined – I do need the chair here next, though; how about that?

Partner: Yes, fine, that’s more of an accessory so go right ahead.

Host: Sweet.  (Stops cycling, jumps up, walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups)

Partner: Seriously?!

Host: (Without stopping, turns head to Partner) Why yes, anyone serious about their health should be able to do this basic move.  (Flips back off the chair into another middle split on the ground)

Partner: (Flings up arms in resignation) I give up – everything here is going to drive viewers away, and I am shocked you actually still have students at the gym.

Host: (Pulling both legs overhead) I hold myself back there, too.

Partner: You can film yourself from now on, then – I’m taking a permanent lunch break.  (Decamps to the kitchen)

Host: Go right ahead – I’ve got this all under control, but thanks for your help!  (To the camera, still holding up legs and now smiling broadly) Make sure to like and subscribe if this video has changed your life!  Wow, I am a natural at this.