Story 637: Trying to Get Back Pain to Go Away

 FRIDAY EVENING 

(In a living room, Sibling 2 is following along with an online workout video playing on a laptop propped up on the couch)

Trainer: (In time with swinging a giant kettlebell) All right! – You got this! – Just one! – More minute!

Sibling 2: (Swinging a much smaller kettlebell) I thought – you said that – five minutes – ago –

(One minute later, a timer on the video “DING!”s and Trainer stops swinging)

Trainer: (Gently sets down the kettlebell and claps enthusiastically through the sweat) WHOO-HOO!!  You made it!  I’m so proud of you, I could cry!  Time to cool down.  (Collapses onto a mat and full-body stretches for a long time)

Sibling 2: (Still swinging the kettlebell on autopilot) I – can’t – stop –

(Later that night, Sibling 2 lies down in bed to sleep)

Sibling 2: (Lying back onto the pillow) Ahhh, there’s nothing like resting after a self-satisfying workout.  It could’ve gone better, but it also could’ve gone much worse.  (Smiles while closing eyes and takes a deep breath; eyes fly open with a sudden back spasm) Uh-oh. 

SUNDAY MORNING 

(Sibling 1 calls Sibling 2, holding the phone between head and shoulder while putting away breakfast items)

Sibling 2: (Answers after a few moments of an open line, sounding strained and a little muffled) `Ellllooo?

Sibling 1: Hey, I found myself with a Sunday where I actually have nothing planned – wanna go bike riding in the park?

Sibling 2: Since when do you bike ride?  Again?

Sibling 1: (Brushing teeth in the bathroom) Yeah, I know, it’s been a minute, but if not now, when, know-what-I-mean?  Figured the ol’ legs should still be up for it, right?  (Swishes and spits into the sink) So: you in?

Sibling 2: Thanks, but… I’llll have to pass… on that….

Sibling 1: (Stops while tying shoes near the front door) Are you OK?

Sibling 2: Not… really….

Sibling 1: (Walks to the living room and starts pacing) You sound like you’re lying on the floor – what happened?

Sibling 2: (Lying on the living room floor in child’s pose with arms next to the sides and two ice packs strapped to the back; the phone also is on the floor, on speaker, next to Sibling 2’s mouth that is smushed up against the laminate) Well, you remember the kettlebell I got and never used?

Sibling 1: …No.

Sibling 2: Of course.  Anyway, it’s only 10 lbs and I use heavier dumbbells all the time –

Sibling 1: What, like 15 lbs?

Sibling 2: Shush – I’m all the way up to a whopping 25 now.

Sibling 1: Good for you!  Anyway?

Sibling 2: Anyway, I found a kettlebell workout series online, so I figured, “Why not?”  So I finally used it.

Sibling 1: And?

Sibling 2: And, do you know how much swinging a kettlebell is involved in a kettlebell workout?

Sibling 1: All of it, I’m guessing.

Sibling 2: Not on this one – I actually wound up with the dumbbells for most of it since they were heavier; the swinging was intermittent.

Sibling 1: OK, sure, and?

Sibling 2: And the swinging got longer and longer with each session.  By Session 5, there was lots and lots and lots of it.  So much, that I think I broke something.

Sibling 1: (Stops pacing and gasps) The TV?!

Sibling 2: No, not the TV!  My back!

Sibling 1: (Gasps louder) You broke your back?!

Sibling 2: No, I’d be talking to you from a hospital if I did that!  What I meant was, I think all that swinging strained my back, and now it’s spasming all over the place.

Sibling 1: Oh no, can you even walk?

Sibling 2: (Slowly sits back onto heels) Yesss, I can walk, I can bend down, I can reach up – I just get these sudden pains that threaten to topple me over.  (Freezes and grabs lower back) Like just now.

Sibling 1: Ouch.  You try ice or something?

Sibling 2: (Taking off the ice packs) I tried everything: ice, heat, twisting, stretching, massaging, yoga videos specifically targeting back pain, the works.  It hasn’t gotten better since it started Friday night, and in some ways, I think it’s gotten worse.  And now I’m afraid to go into the office tomorrow and face-plant on the way to my desk.

Sibling 1: Have you fallen down yet?

Sibling 2: Not yet, but I’m sure it’ll come when I least expect it.  Probably when I’m outside so all my neighbors can watch.

Sibling 1: (Nods with brow furrowed in thought) OK… OK… I’m coming over – I’ve got an idea.

Sibling 2: (Grabs the phone from the floor and takes it off speaker) Oh no, thanks but I’m gonna go to a doctor in a few days if this hasn’t cleared up by then –

Sibling 1: (Grabs keys and sunglasses and breezes out the front door) Nope!  They’ll just prescribe physical therapy and once you’re there, YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE.

Sibling 2: (Slowly stands and walks to the kitchen to lean against a counter) That’s not a bad thing; it helps a lot of people –

Sibling 1: (Hopping into a car) I bet, but not in this case!  Be there in five!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the passenger seat, and zooms away)

Sibling 2: (Holds out the silent phone to stare at for a moment) You live 20 minutes away! 

FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER 

(Sibling 2 opens the front door to Sibling 1)

Sibling 1: (Stares agape at Sibling 2 wearing pajamas and slippers) You’re not ready to go?!

Sibling 2: Go where?

Sibling 1: Oh, I forgot to mention: I know someone.

Sibling 2: Don’t we all.

Sibling 1: Someone who can help.

Sibling 2: (Steps back for Sibling 1 to enter and shuts the door) Who, an acupuncturist?

Sibling 1: (Takes off sunglasses) Better – put on some comfortable clothes and shoes and let’s go.

Sibling 2: (Sighs) I’m sure I’m going to regret this.  (Shuffles to the bedroom, closes the door, and a significant time later emerges wearing a T-shirt and gym pants; shuffles back to the front door, then slowly and gingerly sits on the floor to put on sneakers)

Sibling 1: (Staring the entire time) Wow, you weren’t kidding – you’re moving like an old person.

Sibling 2: (Stops mid-lacing to stare at Sibling 1) That’s just rude on so many levels.  (Sibling 1 looks mildly abashed) But I am feeling it right now.

(They slowly leave the house and get into the car, and Sibling 1 drives away)

Sibling 1: We’ll be there soon and this’ll all go away, no sweat.

Sibling 2: (Fiddling with control panel buttons) Sure, sure – hey, how do you turn on the seat warmer in this thing?

Sibling 1: (Accelerating on the highway) It’s over 90°F out.

Sibling 2: I NEED IT!

(At a slightly rundown office complex, Siblings 1 and 2 park as close as possible to one of the entrances and gently walk inside a former warehouse that was turned into a training center)

Sibling 1: (Holding a steadying hand out to Sibling 2) You OK?  Need an arm or something?

Sibling 2: Nah, I should be fine as long as the ground is level.  (Winces and freezes while stepping over the threshold)

Sibling 1: (Roughly grabs Sibling 2’s arm) Don’t worry, I’ve got you!

Sibling 2: (Holding onto the doorframe with the other arm; through gritted teeth) I appreciate it, but do that again and we’re both gonna wind up on the floor.

Sibling 1: (Lets go) Sorry.  Don’t know my own strength!

Sibling 2: I wouldn’t call it that.

(They slowly walk into the center, which is a large open space ringed by workout equipment)

Sibling 1: (Greeting the only person there, who walks toward them) Hey!  Thanks for squeezing us in today!

Sibling 2: (Leans toward Sibling 1; in a low voice) There’s no one else here….

Owner: (Shakes Sibling 1’s hand) No worries, there’re only classes here on Sundays so we have about – (Checks a watch) 20 minutes before the next one.  (To Sibling 2) So, you’re the one with the bad back?

Sibling 2: It’s not a bad back, it’s normally fine, just – (Grabs it in a sudden spasm) strained right now, that’s all.

Owner: (Nods knowingly) Mm-hm – office worker?

Sibling 2: Huh?

Owner: Sit at your desk all day?

Sibling 2: That’s not – this was from an intense kettlebell workout, OK!

Owner: (Nods knowingly) Mm-hm.

Sibling 2: I move around all day, you know!  I get up at least every 20 minutes, I walk almost everywhere, I exercise three times a week, I do yoga, I drink plenty of water, I get plenty of sleep – don’t judge me as a sedentary do-nothing!

Owner: (Nods knowingly) Mm-hm.  You don’t have to give an exact number, but you’re over 30 years old, correct?

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) I’m outta here.  (Turns to leave, has a spasm, and freezes in place)

Owner: (Flanking Sibling 2 with Sibling 1) You want this to go away and get your very active life back, yes?

Sibling 2: (Eyes squeezed shut and lips tucked in; nods quickly) Mm-hm!

Owner: Come with me, then.  (Gently takes one of Sibling 2’s arms, slowly turns around the latter, and all three gradually make their way to a long metal table on the other end of the training center) Now: lie down, please.

Sibling 2: Wait, don’t I need to fill out some forms first or something?

Owner: (Chuckles) Not for this!  I’ve seen all I need to know.

Sibling 2: Oh-kaay…. (Lies back onto the table) Ooh, the cold feels good.

Owner: That’s nice – turn over, please.

Sibling 2: Oh.  OK.  (Slowly turns onto stomach; beckons for Sibling 1 to lean down and mutters) Keep an eye everything, would you?

Sibling 1: (As Owner takes off sneakers and socks) Don’t you worry, I’ll be right here beside you the entire time!

Sibling 2: Thanks – (Owner lithely hops onto the table and steps onto Sibling 2’s back) Oof!

Owner: Please remain still and relaxed whilst my full body weight is concentrated upon the muscles surrounding your sacrum.  (Starts carefully walking around Sibling 2’s lower back, wriggling toes in certain spots to massage that area)

Sibling 2: (Gripping straps attached to the table) I don’t know if this hurts or not….

Sibling 1: (Holds out a hand) I can take the pain – wanna crush my hand until it’s over?

Sibling 2: (Stares at the hand) …I’m seriously thinking about it.

(After a few minutes, Owner steps off Sibling 2 and lithely hops off the table)

Owner: There!  All done!  You can sit up now.   (Sibling 2 slowly sits on the edge of the table) How do you feel?

Sibling 2: (Rubs lower back) I’m… not sure….

Owner: Try standing and twisting a bit.

Sibling 2: (Plants feet on the floor and slowly twists from side to side) It seems… OK, but the spasms usually come out of nowhere anyway.

Owner: (Puts socks and sneakers back on) That’s normal, but you may find you’ll have fewer and fewer of them now, if any at all.  It’s my patented technique that I share with no one: what I did just now should permanently heal all of your current muscle issues.  On the off-chance it didn’t though, come back in a few days and we’ll try my other patented technique.  (Affectionally pats one of the straps that Sibling 2 was gripping earlier and gestures to another pair of straps that are at the other end of the table, which are now seen to be arm and leg restraints attached to resistance bands; the restraints are welded to the table and the straps are welded to the nearby wall) We here unofficially refer to this as “The Rack”, but we’re aware that that can come off as a bit… insensitive.

Sibling 2: (Stares for a few moments at the restraints with Sibling 1; suddenly back to Owner) No, I think I’m good – I’ll let you know if I need another… standing session, but I think you made my back feel better for now, so thanks, we’ll be leaving.

Owner: Glad to hear it!  (All three look toward the entrance as people in workout clothes start to come in) Well, it looks like my next class is here, so please call us if you’d like to join as a member.  (Smiling, takes out a card to give to Sibling 2 and then shakes the latter’s hand) All are welcome.  (Shakes Sibling 1’s hand) I’ll be sending you the bill.  Bye!  (Waves at both and jogs to the entrance to greet the class)

Sibling 2: (To a shocked Sibling 1) You can send me the bill.

Sibling 1: (Shakes head to clear it) Yeah, sorry, I thought it would be one of those “The first one’s free” deals.

Sibling 2: (Pocketing the card) Ha, never.

Sibling 1: So, how’s your back feel?

Sibling 2: (Twists again several more times) You know, I don’t want to jinx it, but it really may be better now.

Sibling 1: (As they both walk back to the main entrance past the incoming crowd) That’s great!  I’m so glad when something actually works!

Sibling 2: (Stops suddenly and turns to Sibling 1) Question I was too distracted to ask earlier: (Points a thumb over at Owner with the class) What is that one licensed in for this place, anyway?

Sibling 1: …Gym… ology?

Sibling 2: (As they both start walking to the main entrance again) Yeah, next time, I’m going to an actual doctor first, physical therapy and all.

Sibling 1: Really?  Even with this miracle cure?

Sibling 2: Especially with this miracle cure.  Nothing’s ever that easy.

Sibling 1: Well, you have a little bit of a point with that.

Sibling 2: (Amused) Oh, really?  How so?

Sibling 1: (As they get back into the car) If I’d’ve known that was all you needed, I could’ve saved you the trouble and stood on your back for free!

Sibling 2: I’d rather you didn’t.

Story 634: Work Is a Distraction for a Workout

             (At a gym, Client enters in a hurry and still dressed in business casual)

Trainer: (Trots over from lounging against the front desk) Hi there!  Thanks so much for coming back.

Client: (Rushed) Yeah, listen, I only came in because I wanted to tell you in-person instead of leaving a phone message: sorry to gym-break-up with you like this, but it’s not you, it’s me.

Trainer: I know.

Client: No, I mean – what, you do?

Trainer: Totally: we never take anything personally in this line of work.  Success or failure is entirely up to you.  (Points to Client in emphasis)

Client: Oh.  OK, then you know that I’m leaving the gym because I just can’t get through the workouts and I’ve hit the wall and peaked long ago and will never get any better than I was at the beginning, right?

Trainer: Yes.

Client: Oh.  Guess we agree on my complete and utter inadequacy, then.  (Turns to leave, stifling a sob)

Trainer: Not so fast!  (Gently turns Client back around and steers the latter through the main training area, past others working with all sorts of equipment) Usually I’d let a client with your views go on your merry little way and focus on the ones here who are actually serious about their commitment to health BUT – (As Client opens mouth to object) I know that you’re a special case.

Client: (Borderline sarcastic) Oh, really?

Trainer: Of course!  And in the spirit of Memorial Day Weekend AND Military Appreciation Month, I’m not going to give up when I know you still have the potential to be all that you can be!

Client: I don’t know – (Briefly holds up a not-very-toned arm) I doubt I could serve our country with this.

Trainer: Not with that attitude!  At any rate: I observe all my clients closely, and you, my friend – (Points at Client again in emphasis) have a head problem.

Client: As in…?

Trainer: You’re stuck in it.  Most people here like having something else to focus on that isn’t work, or family, or their work family, or their lack of real friends, or what-have-you, so having to do a hundred reps of bicep curls or flipping ginormous tires or lunging until their legs turn to jelly tends to block out all that other stuff for a blissful hour or two.  You – (Pokes Client on the shoulder)

Client: Ow.

Trainer: – sorry – have the opposite situation going on.  You’re too focused on the bicep curling and the tire flipping and the leg lunging that you can’t relax.

Client: (Looks around the gym at everyone else lifting, running, squatting, lunging, pulling, and pushing) “Relax”?!

Trainer: Let me put it another way: you’re too focused on how not well you’re doing in the workouts that all you can see is the failure and not the progress.  So, I took the liberty of calling in an… assistant trainer, if you will.

(They stop at an exercise bench where someone else has been waiting)

Assistant: (Waves at Client) Hi!  Nice to see you!

Client: (Blinks at Assistant, then turns to Trainer) Are you telling me that you hired the VP’s administrative assistant from where I work to be a trainer here?!

Trainer: I sure did!  Am.

Client: (To Assistant) So you work here now, too?

Assistant: Sort of: they hired me as a per diem contractor.

Client: For what?

Assistant: To motivate you during workouts!

Client: What?!

Trainer: I know, isn’t it brilliant?  I wonder why no one’s thought of it before?

Client: No, I don’t think either one of you is getting it: I’m listening to all the “Keep going!”s and the “You got this!”s and the “Just 50 more!”s and the “You’re getting stronger with every rep!”s, but at this point they’re only underlining how not well I’m doing, at all.

Trainer: So – (Gestures to Assistant) we hired the Admin here to provide a different kind of motivation: work.

Client: Huh?

Assistant: I’m supposed to keep you distracted with all the projects and deadlines you have waiting for you back at the office, so that way you won’t even notice you’ve gotten through the session until it’s over!

Trainer: Brilliant, I say!

Client: That – I – I don’t know….

Trainer: C’mon, what do you have to lose by trying?

Client: Another month’s membership fee.

Trainer: Not to worry on that end; since this was my idea, you’re not being charged for this session if it doesn’t work.

Client: What, it’ll come out of your paycheck or something?

Trainer: Pretty much, yeah.

Client: Well, now I’ll feel guilty if I still don’t want to come back after today –

Assistant: Do it or I’ll tell the VP you’re an indecisive slacker right before your annual performance review!

(Client runs to the changing room)

Trainer: Oh, you’re good.

Assistant: Thank you – years of experience.

(At the exercise bench, Client is now in gym clothes and lying down, ready to lift)

Trainer: So, where did we leave off last time?

Client: (Embarrassed) Between 70 and 80 pounds.

Trainer: Good – we’re going for 100 now.  (Adds weights onto the bar and lifts it into Client’s hands)

Client: (Straining to hold up the weight as Trainer spots) Um, I don’t know, I’m probably going to drop the bar on myself –

Assistant: (Leans down next to Client’s head) Speaking of bars, did you finish those graphs for this week’s budget meeting yet?

Client: (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) Uh, not yet – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) still waiting for more data – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up)

Assistant: (Taking notes on a large pad and nodding) Um-hm: how many departments still haven’t gotten back to you?

Client: (Expels a big breath while lifting) Uhhhhhh, I don’t know exactly – (Lowers and lifts) I think a few – (Lowers and lifts) are flat-out ignoring me now – (Lowers and lifts) I’ll have to start calling them – (Lowers and lifts) or showing up at their desks – (Lowers and lifts) it’s really annoying (Lowers and lifts with a grunt)

Trainer: That’s enough.  (Takes the bar and puts it back on the rack) You just beat your personal record there, congrats!   (Wipes down the equipment)

Client: (Slowly sits up while rubbing sore hands) Huh.  I suppose I did.

Trainer: Let’s try the treadmill next, yeah?

Client: (Stands) Maybe leg lifts next instead?

Trainer: Nope!  I want some cardio in there now that you’re all warmed up!

Client: (As all three walk to a treadmill) But my stamina stinks.

Trainer: We’ll see about that!  Up you go!

(Client steps onto the treadmill; Trainer sets it to a 10% incline and 5 mph speed)

Client: That fast?!  And high?!

Trainer: Time to be bold!  (Starts the machine)

Client: (Starts running and is immediately almost of out of breath) I dunno – maybe a little slower –

Assistant: (Slides in front of Trainer, still writing notes) Take me through the presentation you have so far.

Client: Oh – uh – well – our fiscal year’s – pretty good – so far – under budget – in most areas – we’ll need to cut back – on expenses – in – (To Trainer who is watching a timer) Can I – take a – quick break?

Assistant: Cut back on what expenses?  You just said we’re under budget.

Client: Yeah – in some areas – but not others – those are over –

Assistant: Give me a list of what needs to be cut, then.

Client: Well – (Goes on for 10 minutes)

Trainer: (Stops the timer) Aaaaaand, time!  (Stops the treadmill) Well done, you!  I don’t think you’ve ever gone that long before.

Client: (Collapses sweating and gasping over the machine) I – haven’t?

Trainer: Nope!  And it was literally uphill all the way!

Client: (Starts to slump) Ohhhhh….

Trainer: Right: medicine ball time!

(Trainer drags Client to an open area on the floor as Assistant follows; the two then do sit-ups while throwing a medicine ball to each other)

Assistant: (Crouched next to Client and still taking notes while following with each sit-up) Have you called the vendors yet and told them that our invoicing process is changing?

Client: Not yet – (Sits up and throws) Corporate still hasn’t made it “official” so I can’t – (Catches the ball and lies back down) it’ll probably be next week though – (Sits up and throws) I have a mass e-mail ready to send – (Catches the ball and lies back down, and stays down) I don’t think I can get up again.

Assistant: (Glances over at Trainer who mouths “Twenty more”, then addresses Client again) Well, that really should be done this week, since invoices for the month will go out on Tuesday after the holiday.

Client: (Suddenly sits up and throws) Yeah, and no one actually pays on the day they get the invoice – (Catches the ball and lies back down) so they’ll still get the notice before they have to pay – (Sits up and throws) and it’ll be fresher in their minds if I send it next week.  (Catches and lies back down)

Assistant: (As the other two continue faster and faster) But, it’s best practice, not to mention common courtesy, to send the notice before they receive the invoices, because you just know they’re going to get confused if you send it after, and you just know that someone will pay that same day the one time you don’t want them to, and then we’ll all be up the creek when it was a completely avoidable situation –

Client: (Sitting up, lying down, throwing, and catching even faster) All right – all right – I’ll ask – first thing – tomorrow and – get approval – to send it out – by that afternoon – or Friday – the latest – OK?!

Trainer: (Catches a fastball and raises an arm in triumph) Done!

Client: (Collapses back down on the mat) I certainly am.

Trainer: (Stands with Assistant for them both to look down at Client) Well, I think this experiment went exceptionally well, don’t you agree?

Client: (Breathlessly) Oh yeah – I’m certainly not – stressing about – the workouts – anymore –

Trainer: Perfect!  See you at our usual time on Thursday then, yeah?  (Walks away, tossing the medicine ball into the air and whistling in glee)

Assistant: (Down at Client) See you in the office tomorrow, yeah?  (Walks away, taking notes in glee)

Client: (Still on the floor) Great – now I’ll always – be thinking – about work –

Story 440: Feel the Burn: Behind the Scenes

 (At a gym after an intense exercise class)

Host: (Sweating with everyone else) Whoo!  We all did great today, I’m so proud of us, see you next time!

(The attendees stagger out the door as Partner enters)

Partner: (To Host) Hey, you done for the day?

Host: (Toweling off) Almost: got a dance cardio workout starting in 15 minutes, so that’ll be my cool-down for the end of the day.  Wanna go for a five-mile run afterward?

Partner: No thanks: I climbed three flights of stairs in my office building earlier, so I’m all set for the day.

Host: (Chuckles sinisterly) Don’t worry, you’ll join us one of these days.

Partner: You know, I’ve been thinking: why don’t you film some of these routines and put `em online?  You’d probably get a lot of followers and make a nice bit of change with all the views and the ads and the sponsors and the what-nots, assuming they’re not all robots.

Host: (Thinks on that while drinking a full bottle of water, then shakes head) Nah; that actually came up way back in orientation and we were told we’re not allowed to film what we do here; I think it’s viewed as “double-dipping” and a “privacy nightmare,” and they’d be a bit irritated I’m using their facilities to take away their own customers.

Partner: Fair enough – you can film them at home, then.

Host: Ew, have everyone see our apartment, gross!

Partner: Our apartment’s not that gross.

Host: Of course it isn’t; I meant the entire digital world seeing it would be gross.

Partner: Oh – we can just clear out some space for you to film, then; no big deal.

Host: Where, your half of the closet?

Partner: No, silly, in the living room!  We can move the TV over to the other side and you can set up an area by the back wall; I probably just need to relocate the faux Mona Lisa hanging up there right now.

Host: (Thinks some more on that, then nods) Uh-huh, OK, I still have the filming equipment from when my video game live streams failed to take off….

Partner: Oh yes, that.

Host: You think people’d want to see my workouts, though?  I mean, there’re already a bajillion videos to pick from – I think I’m too late to the game and the market’s saturated.

Partner: Possibly, but people here like your classes a lot; yours are uniquely… intense.

Host: (As new class members arrive) That they are: only the exceptionally strong survive in these four walls.  The rest I kick out, and they still love me for it.

Partner: (Backing out the door while the class members set themselves up with their mats) We’ll talk more later – just think about it while you’re… (Waves arms around the room) whatever it is you’re about to do here.

Host: Feel free to sign up!

Partner: You’re funny.  (Runs away)

Host: (Turns on music and faces the class) Hey-hey-hey, everybody!  Ready to dance the night away?!

Class: Yeah!

Host: Well we only have 45 minutes, so this’ll have to do – and kick!  And kick!  And spin!  And split!  And leap! And pirouette!  And high kick!  And spin the other way!  And rond de jambe!  And pas de bourrée!  And higher kick!  And – you!  (Points to a class member in the back, then thumbs to the door) Out!

Class Member: (Head bowed, grabs mat and trots out the door) Yes, Teacher; sorry, Teacher.

Host: (To the rest of the class) Now dip yourselves!

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

(In Host and Partner’s living room, half of which has been converted into a film studio)

Host: (Clipping on a small microphone) You realize we can’t have guests over here anymore, right?

Partner: (Adjusting lights and setting up the camera) No worries: I’ve gotten to be a pro at taking down and reassembling all this stuff.

Host: If you say so.  (Reviews notes and lightly bounces on feet) You know, I’m never nervous teaching classes at work, but for some reason right now this is low-key freaking me out.

Partner: Makes sense – this is something the whole world will see; I’d be a wreck if I were you.

Host: Thanks.

Partner: (Walks over to adjust Host’s microphone) The beauty of this is that it’s not live – we can stop whenever you want and fix it in post.

Host: “Post”?

Partner: Post-production.  We can edit out any mistakes later.

Host: Oh.  Well, I don’t want to stop – we’re all supposed to be doing this together, at the same time.  If I keep stopping mid-routine and expect them to keep going, it’ll be inauthentic.

Partner: Whatever you want – just know that we can always start over again from the top if something gets messed up.

Host: There is no “starting over” in my workout classes!  We own our mistakes and commit through to the end, whatever that may be!

Partner: Fine, then consider this take as dress rehearsal, happy?!

Host: Yes.  Proceed.  (Starts generic upbeat music)

Partner: Oh yeah, we’re also gonna have to make sure whatever music you use is public domain or else we’re gonna get sent a takedown notice for the video.

Host: I guess that’s reasonable, yet I feel unreasonably irritated at the possible extra work.  Anything else I should be aware of as I enter the online jungle?

Partner: No, I think that’s it for now – I’ll monitor your comments section and get rid of the trolls and any flame wars.

Host: My hero.  (Takes place in the center of the cleared space as Partner starts the camera, signaling Host to begin)

Host: (Voice cracks) Hey – ahem, cough – Hey-hey-hey!  My name is –

Partner: Your name’ll be on the channel; no one needs to hear it.

Host: Oh.  I had a whole intro and everything.

Partner: Just type it up for the channel description and get to the meat!

Host: Yes, boss. 

Partner: [Grinds teeth]

Host: (Clears throat) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  This video is a basic cardio workout for all you beginners out there – if this doesn’t scare you away, then stick around for the advance class coming up at undetermined date!

Partner: Edit that last part out.

Host: I want them to know there’ll be an advance class coming up at an undetermined date.

Partner: They’ll either sign up for your alerts or never come back anyway; I’m going to revise your script later, just – keep going!

Host: Rude.  (To the camera) Now, let’s warm up first! (Warms up for five minutes) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!  Now, onto the main workout – first up, lunge-to-push-up-to-lunge!  (Lunges, drops to deep push-ups, jumps back up to a lunge, and continues)

Partner: You sure this is beginner?

Host: It is in my class!  (On a lunge, knocks over a light) Shoot!

Partner: (Runs to fix the light) I’ve got it – keep going!

Host: But –

Partner: I SAID “KEEP GOING”!!

Host: Sheesh. (Smiles at the camera) Time to work on those abs!  (Lies down on a mat and does twisting crunches while kicking out the opposite leg) Faster, faster, mwahahaha!

Partner: (Back behind the camera) Easy there; you’ll scare off potential viewers.

Host: There’s no room on this channel for cowards!

Partner: You might want to ease them into that fact, though.

Host: (Sighs) Fine, I’ll hold myself back a bit for this session.  (To the camera) You get one freebie, Internet World, you hear me?!

Partner: No, they don’t.

Host: Right.  (Jumps up) Now, onto high kicks!  (Kicks high up and knocks over the light again) Unbelievable!

Partner: (Runs to fix the light, then runs back to the camera) At least I know the blocking for this area now.

Host: (Still high-kicking) And we’ve only just begun!  (Does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle)

Partner: Whoa, maybe save that move for one of your advance classes.

Host: (Still cycling) Why?  It’s beginner – advance is doing this while using your teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight, but I’ll have to wait for the sponsor big bucks before I can show off that one.

Partner: …Please do.

Host: Ooh, I also should bring out the chains and the monster truck tire –

Partner: No!  This one’s beginner!  No equipment!

Host: Who said “No equipment”?

Partner: I do!  You want to ease everyone in first so they come back for increasing punishment!

Host: But what about the rowboat?  (Points to the rowboat in the corner)

Partner: Nothing!

Host: I feel so confined – I do need the chair here next, though; how about that?

Partner: Yes, fine, that’s more of an accessory so go right ahead.

Host: Sweet.  (Stops cycling, jumps up, walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups)

Partner: Seriously?!

Host: (Without stopping, turns head to Partner) Why yes, anyone serious about their health should be able to do this basic move.  (Flips back off the chair into another middle split on the ground)

Partner: (Flings up arms in resignation) I give up – everything here is going to drive viewers away, and I am shocked you actually still have students at the gym.

Host: (Pulling both legs overhead) I hold myself back there, too.

Partner: You can film yourself from now on, then – I’m taking a permanent lunch break.  (Decamps to the kitchen)

Host: Go right ahead – I’ve got this all under control, but thanks for your help!  (To the camera, still holding up legs and now smiling broadly) Make sure to like and subscribe if this video has changed your life!  Wow, I am a natural at this.

Story 439: Feel the Burn

 (At a restaurant)

Adult Children: (Raising juice glasses disguised as wine glasses in a toast) Happy Mother’s Day!

Mom: (Raises glass in return) Thank you, children – your affection certainly warms the heart.

(They all pause to take a drink)

Adult Child 1: You sure you don’t want anything else this year?  I mean, this brunch is expensively nice, but we could get you a gift on top of that, you know.

Mom: That’s very sweet, honey, but having you both here with a delicious course of Eggs Benedict and freshly squeezed orange juice is enough – the only other thing I could want is your father back here with us, bless his soul.  (They raise their glasses and drink again) Well!  (Definitively sets down the glass and starts slicing into the waffle) This’ll be my last hurrah for a while: tomorrow I’m going to get off my lazy rear and start that workout routing you recommended.  (Nods at Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Oh, well, that’s only if you really want to get ripped –

Mom: I do, yes.  (Chews vigorously)

Adult Child 2: I have to admit I don’t keep up with it as much as I should, with commuting and working overtime and not wanting to get up early and… yeah.

Mom: (Downs the orange juice) Yes, I have no such excuses: happily retired, and you rugrats flew the coop ages ago, so my extracurricular activities can be rearranged willy-nilly.

Adult Child 1: And anyway, you’re not “lazy” – you’re running around all the time doing stuff.

Mom: You’re confusing Present Me with Past Me from when you were growing up; trust me, I sit around waaaaay too much for anyone’s good now.

Adult Child 1: Well, you deserve it after all those years raising us.

Mom: True, but beside the point.

Adult Child 2: (Chuckles) Would it help if we popped out a few grandkids for you to chase after?

Mom: Don’t tease.  No, starting tomorrow, I will join the ranks of the stay-at-home gym devotees – my life will be changed forever.  (Suddenly looks up at Adult Children) Again.

Adult Child 1: (Raises glass) Cheers to that.  (Sees that the glass is empty) Well that’s awkward.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Mom, wearing exercise clothes and sweat bands, sets up a mat on the living room floor, then uses the television to access the Internet and search for the previously mentioned workout video series)

Mom: (Navigating through the videos) “Advanced,” no…. “Extreme,” no…. “Ultra-Extreme,” blazes no.... Where’s “Ultra-Beginner?”  (Types “beginner” with the series name) Aha!  “Novice Baby Steps” – now that’s my speed.  (Starts the video and stands in readiness)

Host: (Extremely fit) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

Mom: Remains to be seen, but continue.

Host: Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: Uh-oh.

Host: For this set, you’re going to need a mat, a wall for balance, a chair –

Mom: Oh no, hold up!  (Pauses the video, runs to the kitchen, and drags a chair into the living room, dumping the seat cushion onto the couch on the way) OK, go!  (Resumes video)

Host: – anchor chains, a pull-up bar, preferably a monster-truck tire but a regular sedan tire will do –

Mom: WHAT?!

Host: – and a rowboat.  You ready?  Let’s go!

Mom: (Pauses the video) Blaaaaazes no!  That was “beginner”?!  Where’s one with no equipment?  (Searches for “beginner no equipment” in the series) OK, this one looks more promising.  (Starts a new video)

Host: (Wearing the same outfit as in the other video) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: This feels familiar.

Host: For this set, all you’ll need is a mat and a chair.

Mom: Liar – your title said “No Equipment.”

Host: I know the title said “No Equipment,” but that’s technically true – these are accessories.

Mom: Still.

Host: Now, let’s warm up first!

Mom: Ugh, skip!  (Moves the video progress bar to where the workout begins)

Host: (Shaking limbs loose) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!

Mom: (Shaking limbs loose) Sure.

Host: (Lies face-down on a mat; Mom follows suit) OK, let’s do this!  First up: one-handed push-ups!

Mom: Huh?

Host: (Commences one-handed push-ups) Feel free to stay on your knees for this one, newbs!

Mom: (Shifts to knees) Oh I will.

(After sets of push-ups on each hand, Host jumps up)

Host: Now!  Over to the chair.  (Walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups) Easier than using the floor, am-I-right?

Mom: (Stares in shock) If you say so.

Host: (Flips back off the chair, then does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle) This is the basic version of the move you’ll find in my advanced class, where we do this while using our teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight – don’t worry though, you should be ready for that by the time we’re through today!

Mom: Heh?

Host: (Jumps onto feet, then jumps up to grab the blades of a spinning ceiling fan while pulling legs up and down) Now, I forgot to mention earlier – (Spin) you will also need a ceiling fan for this – (Spin) so if you don’t have one – (Spin) feel free to hang the chair from the ceiling – (Spin) the effect’s the same – (Spin) Wheeeeeee!!!!!!

Mom: (Stops the video) I think my children are trolling me.  (Calls Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Hi!  Did you try one of the videos yet?

Mom: No, because they’re meant for Olympian gods.  Have you seriously done any of these?!

Adult Child 2: Well, I started one and it looked good, and I thought I was just out of shape and needed to work my way up to it.

Mom: Work your way up?!  You need to have been at the top and launched into outer space to even start one of these!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  I feel better about the whole thing, then.

Mom: Why did you even suggest these to me?

Adult Child 2: I dunno, they looked cool.

Mom: Whatever; I’m going to search for some good old fashioned boot camp routines and let you know how those are, m’kay?

Adult Child 2: Sounds great, thanks!

Mom: Yeah-bye.  (Disconnects the call, searches videos for several more minutes, then makes a selection)

New Host: Hello, and welcome to your health journey!  Let’s begin with some toe touches to warm ourselves up, then we’ll move onto crunches and leg lifts!

Mom: (Repeatedly touches toes and stands, mirroring the video) Now, this is proper exercise.

Story 232: Better Living by Extreme Gardening

              Announcer: And here is our host, Ivy “League” Weeding!

            Ivy: (Wearing workout clothes, scythe in hand, standing in a field) Hello everyone.  Thank you for joining me in strengthening your bodies, your minds, and most important of all, your pitiful pantries.  I will be blunt: you’re watching this show because all your workout regimes have failed.  The walking five miles every day before sunrise, the kickboxing yoga, the giant-tire tossing, the Channel-swimming – all were useless garbage that have failed you for the last time, plus they were boring as all out.  Now, I offer you a beacon of hope: an activity that is not just a workout, but a way of life.  Today, I will show you how to transform yourselves by transforming the Earth, seizing and wresting life from within the heart of it just as God must once have done.  So, pick up your scythe, find yourself an empty field, and let’s begin our journey into –

[Title Card: BETTER LIVING BY EXTREME GARDENING]

            (Cut to: Ivy clearing out a portion of the field)

            Ivy: (Speaking between swings) On your first garden – (Swing!) – you should clear out a plot just large enough – (Swing!) – to match your current abilities – (Swing!) – and your requirements for your kitchen table.  (Swing!  Swing!  Swing!)  (She pauses to wipe sweat off her brow) One acre by two acres should be sufficient for beginners.

            (Cut to: Ivy working on the cleared-out section with a hoe)

            Ivy: Now, I always recommend that garden plots be given a final comb-through with at least a half-dozen sheep – (She gestures with her head off to her left: the camera pans over to reveal said sheep, chewing away) – but nothing beats getting into the literal dirt by using a good old-fashioned hoe.  Yes indeed, you really get a full-body workout by vigorously hoeing away – (Stands suddenly) – that doesn’t sound right at all; make sure you edit out that last bit, yeah?

            (Cut to: Ivy pushing a plow)

            Ivy: (Slightly out of breath) Once cleared of all that pesky natural growth, it’s almost time to impose your will completely upon the helpless soil.  (Gets stuck for a moment; her feet scramble in place until the plow moves again) No need to impress our animal brethren into working our machines when the whole point is to improve our own bodies, hm?  (Slips and falls onto the ground, then makes a “Cut!” motion with her hand)

            (Cut to: Ivy running up and down rows, scattering seeds into the new troughs)

          Ivy: (As the camera skittishly follows her) Here’s where the magic happens: the miracle of creation, in the palms of our hands!  Right now I’m planting string beans, and I have never felt more fulfilled in my entire life!  (The camera stops following her and tilts down, with the sound of strained breathing heard) Just lie down and keep the lens facing this way!

            (Cut to: Ivy doing push-ups as she scoots across each row)

           Ivy: As you can see – (push and scoot) – the dirt will be packed more firmly – (push and scoot) – and your arms and abs will benefit more greatly (push and scoot) – using this method – (push and scoot) – however much more time – (push and scoot) – it may take.  (She spins around onto her back to do crunches) You also can switch it up – (scoot) – albeit in a dirtier way –

            (Cut to: a panorama of the planted field; the camera then pans down to Ivy, who is covered in dirt and prone on the ground in front of the garden)

            Ivy: (Faintly) At last, your routine is complete for the entire season: all you have to do is maintain this horde of treasure and your now-iron muscles with regular weeding.  (A nearly inaudible voice from off-camera is heard) If you’re wondering about watering your new kingdom, (She raises her arms above her) that is all taken care of by the very sky above us.  (The nearly inaudible voice is heard again; she drops her arms back to her sides) I’ve just been informed that there is little to no rain here at this time of year.  (She springs up off the ground) Perfect!  On to our supplemental course: “Increased Toning by Building Your Own Irrigation System”!