Story 587: Who Knew Hiking Up a Mountain Would Be So Difficult?

            (On the phone)

Friend 2: Hey, what’s up?

Friend 1: Oh, no much – I’m actually off from work on Monday instead of my usual Wednesday, so I figured now’d be a good time to try hiking that mountain you lorded over me about climbing a few years back, what’s-it’s-name, Mount Tabbouleh?  Pammy Peak?

Friend 2: Wait, do you mean Mount Tammany?

Friend 1: Yeah, that one.  Figured I should give it a shot since, you know, I’ve hiked everywhere else around here, and since you could do it, well, it mustn’t be that hard, then.

Friend 2: First of all: I didn’t lord it over you that I hiked up it; I just let you know when I did it, and your insecurity did the rest.

Friend 1: Fair enough.

Friend 2: And secondly: are you sure about this?

Friend 1: I beg your pardon?

Friend 2: This isn’t exactly a stroll around the park, you know – it is an actual mountain.  Elevation over 1500 feet and all.

Friend 1: Well, I have done my share of the difficult trails on elevated terrains; I think I can handle this glorified hill.  Especially since no ropes or crampons or oxygen’s involved: any serious hiker should be able to do it, no sweat.

Friend 2: Yes, any serious hiker.  That’s not you.  And it certainly is a sweat, lots of it.

Friend 1: Rude.  You know how many hours I’ve logged walking through this county, and the next one over?  And some of those trails go up super high, and have big rocks and tree roots sticking out and everything.

Friend 2: You never learn, do you?  Hiking up – and down! – a mountain is completely different from what the local county parks dish up: don’t you remember your Grand Canyon debacle?!

Friend 1: I’ll ask you not to violate the friend code and fling my failures in my face, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: I’m only mentioning it because you had the same cavalier attitude then about how difficult it was going to be, and it’s like you learned nothing from almost being helicoptered out of it!

Friend 1: Don’t exaggerate: I was able to crawl back up the trail long before helicopter rescue was even entertained as a possibility.

Friend 2: Only with my help, you were!  That’s it: I’m going with you.

Friend 1: I don’t need a babysitter, Mom.

Friend 2: You do need supervision, though.  I’m not gonna wait around to hear on the evening news that you got from the summit back to Route 80 the direct way, if you know I mean.

Friend 1: Re-lax: the Delaware River’s right there, I’d be fine.

Friend 2: That’s not funny!

Friend 1: I didn’t mean it to be.  I am a grown adult who is mostly fit, and I do not need someone holding my hand as I ascend Mount Everest!

Friend 2: Tammany!

Friend 1: See, your smothering is making me loopy!

Friend 2: And I wouldn’t be able to hold your hand anyway since you’d need it when climbing up the sections with huge, steep boulders!

Friend 1: …Sorry, the what in the where now?

Friend 2: Exactly!  This is just like the Grand Canyon: you don’t know what you’re dealing with, you’re not prepared, and you expect everything to work out fine and then are shocked when you get stuck and need help, EVERY TIME!

Friend 1: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were accusing me of being immature.

Friend 2: Hey, you said it!

Friend 1: If you’re through with the insults, I’ll call you after I’ve successfully ascended the peak, with a triumphant photo to prove it.

Friend 2: After the other hikers carried you up there, you mean?

Friend 1: Rude again.

Friend 2: All right, I’m sorry, but your obliviousness to everything in life drives me bonkers sometimes.  Please wait until next Saturday, and I’ll climb up there with you.  You can think of me as a tour guide who even brings along snacks.

Friend 1: …Snacks, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!  And I can show you all the good spots where there are great views.

Friend 1: Well….

Friend 2: Pleeeease?  I can’t believe I’m begging you to let me save you from yourself.

Friend 1: All right, fine, if you want the company that badly –

Friend 2: Great!  Come over to my house and I’ll drive us; bring a backpack with water and lunch for later, dress in layers, and get to me by 7 because those parking lots fill up fast, bye!  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: …Wait, 7 A.M.?!

SATURDAY

(At the beginning of Mount Tammany’s Red Dot Trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 arrive on foot with their gear after crossing under Route 80)

Friend 1: I am baffled that we have to walk to start our walk.  You weren’t kidding about those parking lots – do that many tourists want to spend their weekend doing extreme walking?!

Friend 2: A lot do, but there’s also kayaking, and fishing, and camping, and other stuff around here – but I think those full lots were for the mountain, and a bunch of people are from out-of-state too since we’re right by the border and an interstate road.

Friend 1: Well, I’m not out-of-breath yet, so let’s get this show on the road.  (Sees steep steps up the side of the mountain) Wait, this is the start?!

Friend 2: Yep!  Let the ascent begin!  (Starts climbing the steps)

Friend 1: (Visually follows the steps up, very high very fast) OK… OK… this is the warm-up, you can do this.  (Stars climbing the steps; after a minute, looks off to the right and down) Hm, who left their toy cars down there…?  Oh.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 have tied their long-sleeve shirts around their waists so that their short-sleeve shirts can take over)

Friend 2: (Pointing to a wall of boulders) Here we go!  The steep boulders I mentioned where you have to use your hands to climb up!

Friend 1: (Panting, stops to stare at the wall) This has to be a mistake – I think we lost the regular foot trail somewhere in the woods back there.

Friend 2: Nope!  This is the trail!  (Points to three red dots painted on the rocks showing that this is, indeed, the trail)

Friend 1: Ummm….

Friend 2: Want to rest a bit first?

Friend 1: No….

Friend 2: Want to turn back?

Friend 1: No!  Just give me a second…. (A family passes them and scrambles up the rocks without hesitation, adults and young kids alike; Friend 2 raises eyebrows meaningfully at Friend 1) Not a word.  (Begins gingerly scrambling up the rocks, joined by Friend 2)

Friend 2: (As they are part-way up) Not so bad, huh?

Friend 1: (Almost horizontal on hands and feet) I feel like a goat!

(A runner approaching from the opposite direction scrambles down the rocks, greeting everyone on the way while passing by)

Runner: Morning – (Hop) morning – (Hop) morning – (Hop)

Friend 2: (Pausing on the climb to wave) Morning!

Friend 1: (Not pausing) Eugh.

(Both reach the top of the boulder section of the trail and pull over to take a water break)

Friend 2: Congratulations!  You cleared the first real hurdle.

Friend 1: (Almost spit-takes) “First”?!

Friend 2: Oh yeah, there’s a bigger set coming up, and the summit itself, and then the way down has –

Friend 1: Never mind: I’ll find out as we get there.

Friend 2: You’re doing great so far, you know: haven’t fallen off the mountain once.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I’m shamed by our compatriots on the trail.

Friend 2: Don’t be: they’ve probably all done this or something like it before, or are kids who aren’t afraid of anything, but they’ll learn.  (Stares into the distance before taking another gulp of water) Oh, they’ll learn….

Friend 1: I guess, but did you see that one who’s doing all this climbing and lugging around a camera the entire way?  And I don’t mean a dinky amateur camera, I mean a huge video camera with a giant microphone attached, the works.

Friend 2: Yeah – probably somebody filming for their channel.  Normally I’d be annoyed at the intrusiveness, but instead I’m just impressed at the physical coordination needed to pull it off.

Friend 1: (Nods and drinks more water) Same.

FORTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 reach the summit of Mount Tammany in New Jersey, which has a view of Mount Minsi across the Delaware River in Pennsylvania, and a ledge of rocks leading down slightly where hikers are scattered throughout, resting and admiring the scenery)

Friend 1: (Pauses in collapsing to stare at the breathtaking view) Wow….

Friend 2: (Enthusiastically rubs Friend 1’s shoulder) Yay, you made it!  How does it feel?

Friend 1: (Swaying) Intimidating… exhausting….

Friend 2: Here, sit down.  (Guides Friend 1 to a nearby boulder to sit) I’m gonna go down there to get some pictures – wanna come by in a few minutes?

Friend 1: (Shakes head breathlessly) No thanks: I’ve never had vertigo before, but I do now.

Friend 2: All right; I’ll be back in a bit!  (Hops from boulder to boulder down the ledge)

Friend 1: Have at it.  (Drinks more water, then looks to the left and sees an equally exhausted hiker lying across a boulder) First time too?  (Hiker rolls eyes and nods, gasping) Right there with you.  (After a few minutes, Friend 1 stands and starts taking in a more panoramic view of the other mountain, the river, and forests on both sides of the Delaware Water Gap) So I guess this is what all the fuss is about, huh.

(The hiker with the camera suddenly bursts onto the summit, walking backwards while filming self)

Content Creator: Hey folks!  We finally made it to the top of Mount Tammany, and whoo-whee, what a ride it’s been, am-I-right?!  (Swings the camera around to capture the stunning scenery) But I tell ya, this view is all worth it!  Who cares about all the cuts, bruises, getting lost, and falling on the way when this is what awaits you, am-I-right?!  (Spots Friend 1 and hops across boulders to focus the camera on both of them) Hey there!  This your first time climbing Mount Tammany?

Friend 1: (Staring frozen into the camera) Uhhhhh....

Content Creator: Don’t be shy – tell my viewers how absolutely amazing this entire experience has been for your soul!

Friend 1: Uhhhhh….

Content Creator: I mean, don’t you feel completely transformed and revitalized by the very act of climbing an actual mountain and getting to the tip-top just to fully understand how totally and utterly insignificant you are on this planet, let alone the universe?!

Friend 1: Uhhhhh….

Friend 2: (Hopping up boulders back to Friend 1, waving arms at Content Creator) Hey, buzz off!

Content Creator: (Hops to another boulder at Friend 2’s rapid approach, but winds up slipping off the edge and sliding on the ground down, down, down; turns the camera back to self on the way) Well folks, we’re heading back down the mountain now a little ahead of schedule, so we’ll meet up again at the bottom – ooh, make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe”…. (Fades away)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You OK?

Friend 1: (Finally unfrozen) No, actually I’m very upset!

Friend 2: I know, that one was way out of line –

Friend 1: No, I mean, my one chance for Internet fame and I blew it!

Friend 2: You’re something else, you know that?

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Right – want to head back down now?

Friend 1: Sure: we already did the worst part, should be smooth sailing going downhill, right?

Friend 2: (As they start on the Blue Dot Trail going down the mountain) Well….

Friend 1: What?

Friend 2: (Holds out a granola bar) Here, have a snack.

Friend 1: Ooh, crunchy.  (Consumes the bar in two bites as they both continue their hike)

ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate around rocks and tree roots as they continue to hike down the mountain)

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree while stepping down rocks) I thought we were done with the boulders!

Friend 2: (Up ahead) We are – I think this used to be a riverbed.  You know, a lot of this was left over when a glacier passed through.

Friend 1: (Now dangling from a low tree branch) Almost the entire Earth has had glaciers passing through!  That’s no excuse!

(Runner approaches from the opposite direction, greeting everyone on the way while passing by)

Runner: (While passing Friend 1) Afternoon.

Friend 1: (Still dangling from the branch) Oh, shut up!  (Runner stops and frowns) Sorry – clearly, I’m not at my best at the moment.

Runner: (Nods) Got it.  (Continues jogging lightly up the rocks)

Friend 2: (Walking back toward Friend 1) Need some help?

Friend 1: (Starts swinging) Nope – (Lets go of the branch and lands heavily on the ground, barely missing the rocks)

Friend 2: (Runs over) You OK?!  Did you break anything?!

Friend 1: (Stands quickly) Surprisingly, no.  Bet that would’ve been a real disaster, huh?

Friend 2: For you, maybe: I’d be calling park rangers or paramedics to get you out of here, `cause I certainly wouldn’t be carrying you the rest of the way.

Friend 1: (As they both start walking again) I know.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 reach the end of the final trail, which is at the same parking lot where they started)

Friend 1: (Raises arms in triumph) At last!  Route 80!

Friend 2: You seem more excited about that than the lovely waterfall and rapids we passed not too long ago.

Friend 1: Oh, well, those were beautiful and all, but this!  (Gestures to the interstate traffic) This means that I made it!  To the end, without any accidents, and I can finally say that I climbed –

Friend 2: Hiked.

Friend 1: Hiked a mountain!  (Briefly rests a hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Thank you for your help and guidance, and for believing in me.

Friend 2: Honestly, I didn’t think you’d make it past the first set of boulders and we’d turn around then, so everything after that’s been a pleasant surprise.

Friend 1: (Pats Friend 2’s shoulder and nods) You’re welcome.  (Turns back to face Route 80 and sighs in relief and contentment)

Friend 2: So, we’ll head back to the car, get our lunches, and eat at one of the picnic tables before starting the hour-and-a-half drive back home, yeah?

Friend 1: Sounds like a great way to bask in our victory over the mountain.  (Turns back to Mount Tammany and salutes) You were a worthy foe, but once again our puny species has defeated you!

Friend 2: The mountain’ll be here long after we’re dead.

Friend 1: True, but my point’s been made nonetheless.  (Takes a step then gasps, eyes wide and fists clenched)

Friend 2: (Taking out the water bottle to finish it off) What’s up?

Friend 1: (Through gritted teeth) I don’t believe it – after all those boulders, I don’t believe it –

Friend 2: (Sighs) What is it this time you don’t believe?

Friend 1: That I hiked an entire mountain, and just now stepped on a pebble and sprained my ankle!

Story 444: Plant Power

 (At a walk-in clinic in a mountain town, Tourist waits in an exam room)

Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-sorry-for-the-wait-how-can-I-help-you?

Tourist: Oh, the wait doesn’t bother me anymore, it’s the same everywhere and I’m sure it’s 10 times worse here what with the constant influx of tourists like me pretty much all year long –

Doctor: Yes-yes-yes-what-seems-to-be-the-problem?

Tourist: Oh, yeah, that: I don’t feel so good.

Doctor: Yes-yes-yes?

Tourist: Well, I flew in from the Eastern seaboard yesterday and went hiking today, but ever since I woke up this morning I’ve been feeling nauseous and out of breath and headachey and an all-around hot mess and I’m in perfect shape, Doc!

Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Yes-yes-yes-you-have-altitude-sickness-from-the-elevation-change-easy-fix.

Tourist: But I was fine on the plane and that goes all the way up into space!

Doctor: (Briefly pauses typing to give Tourist a withering look, then resumes) The-plane-has-constant-forced-air-to-maintain-cabin-pressure-and-you’re-in-it-for-a-relatively-short-time-here-the-air’s-thinner-all-the-time-and-your-body-is-having-trouble-adjusting-to-the-lower-oxygen-level-so-you’re-experiencing-hypoxia-

Tourist: Oh no!  I’m dying, I knew it!

Doctor: (Continues typing) We’re-all-dying- (Tourist double-takes) your-blood-just-needs-more-oxygen-so-either-get-to-a-lower-altitude-now-or-get-lots-of-rest-drink-lots-of-water-pick-up-a-bottle-of-chlorophyll-at-the-supermarket-take-it-easy-for-a-few-days-and-you’ll-be-fine-otherwise-call-911-if-the-symptoms-get-worse-here-you-go- (Takes a piece of paper that a nearby printer issues and hands it to Tourist) any-questions?

Tourist: (Stares at the page) Yeah – does this have all you said just now?

Doctor: Nope-it’s-the-bill-bring-it-up-front-to-pay-feel-better-bye.  (Quickly exits)

Tourist: (Continues staring at the list of charges, then looks up) Did I hear “chlorophyll” in there?

(In a hotel room)

Tourist: (Stares at self in the mirror over the bathroom sink) OK, you can do this – it’s right there on the shelf with all the other vitamins and fish oil and whatevers, bold as brass, so clearly there haven’t been massive disasters associated with ingesting these.  (Opens a bottle labelled “Chlorophyll,” dumps out a bunch of pills into one hand, stares at them for a few moments, and grimaces) Here we go.  (Pops them into mouth and downs a huge bottle of water, smacking lips) Ahhh.  Now all that’s to be done is sleep it off, I guess.  (Leaves the bathroom and flops onto the bed) This’d better work, is all I gotta say: I am not wasting the rest of this trip “taking it easy.”

(The next day a group of hikers, each wearing a large backpack of supplies, gathers near a bus outside the hotel)

Tour Guide: Good morning!  Everyone here for the – (Checks clipboard) “Walk Up a Mountain So I Can Say That I Climbed It” Tour?

Tour Group Members: Oh yeah!

Tour Guide: Great!  You all can get on the bus and I’ll check you in before we depart.  (As the Tour Group Members board the bus, Tour Guide notices Tourist a bit apart from the group, and hesitatingly approaches) Hi!  Everything all right?

Tourist: (Has been standing in the bright sunlight with arms spread wide and face turned up to the sky, beaming) I have never felt better in my entire life.

Tour Guide: Great!  (Tourist has not moved) …We’re all boarding the bus now.

Tourist: (Immediately lowers arms and runs to the bus) Got it.

(At the trailhead, the Tour Group Members have disembarked and follow Tour Guide)

Tour Guide: Now, remember to keep drinking your water all throughout our hike; walk only where I do; and let me know immediately if you need to stop and rest – hey!

Tourist: Hm?  (Stops and turns back to face the group 50 yards behind on the trail)

Tour Guide: What did I just say?!

Tourist: (Absently scratches hands) Ummm… drink water?

Tour Guide: And stay with the group!

Tourist: Got it.  (Jogs back to the group)

Tour Gide: (To the rest) All right, let’s go!

(They begin their ascent on the walking trail)

Group Member 1: (To Tourist) You might want to slow down there, sport – it’s easy to get altitude sickness real fast up here if you’re not careful.

Group Member 2: (Pops in) Oh yes, remember that trip two years ago when you –

Group Member 1: Yes, thank you dear, it can be assumed that I speak from experience.

Tourist: (Had dumped a bunch of pills into one hand and dry-swallowed them; now walks with closed eyes, smiling at the sun again) Oh, I’m way beyond that now….

Group Member 1: (Mutters to Group Member 2) There’s always at least one weirdo on these excursions.

Group Member 2: Indeed.  Ever wonder if it’s us?

Group Member 1: (Opens mouth to respond, then closes it to think this over)

(An hour into the hike, the group stops to rest at a lookout point)

Tour Guide: Please take advantage of this time to see the beautiful valley below us….

Group Members: Ooohhh….  (Cameras and phones are whipped out)

Tour Guide: The fountain installed to refill your water bottles….

Group Members: Ooohhh…. (Several trot over to the fountain to refill)

Tour Guide: And the gorgeous weather we’ve been blessed with today.

Group Members and Tour Guide: (Turn up to face the sun) Aaahhh….

(As the Group Members continue to wander the lookout point, Tour Guide notices Tourist sitting with crossed legs and palms turned up)

Tour Guide: So!  How’re we feeling – refreshed?

Tourist: (Eyes closed) Refreshed – renewed – reincarnated…. (Briefly takes off cap to scratch scalp)

Tour Guide: Eh?  I mean, wonderful – awwww!  (Spots a deer approaching) Everyone, it looks like we have a visitor!  Be very still, please.

(The Group Members basically keep still, a few taking photos as the deer approaches Tourist)

Tourist: (Opens eyes) Hey there.  (The deer sniffs Tourist’s upraised palms and then tries to knock off the cap to sniff hair) Should I worry about rabies?

Tour Guide: (In a low voice) No, just ticks – try to back away slowly.

Tourist: (Slowly stands and walks backward; the deer stares after the former forlornly) Sorry pal, don’t got any food that’s good for you.

Deer: <You sure about that?>  (Tourist goggles, jaw agape)

Tour Guide: OK everybody, let’s get back to our hike!  (Waves at Deer) Bye-bye, deer!

Group Members: (As they continue on the trail) Bye, deer!

Deer: <Yeah, keep moving, parasites.>  (To Tourist, still standing in shock) <Well?  If you’re not going to help a hungry fellow creature, then shove off with the rest of your polluting relatives.>

Tourist: Actually, I’m not related to any of –

Deer: <You the same species?  Then you’re related, so SHOVE OFF!>  (Tourist runs to catch up with the others)  <I’ll never get over how they’re still the dominant species – boggles the mind.>

(An hour later, the group stops again)

Tour Guide: Take a good look here, folks, `cause this is the point where we turn around and go back.

Group Members: (Disappointed) Awww….

Tour Guide: Five-minute break!

Tourist: (Now scratching hands and head constantly, walks over to Tour Guide) Excuse me, is there any poison ivy around here?

Tour Guide: Not at this altitude, why?

Tourist: (Scratching intensifies) I must’ve picked up something – I’ve been itching for hours now.

Tour Guide: (With dread) It wasn’t the deer, was it?

Tourist: Nah, it started way before the deer – (Scratches palms even harder and winces) Owww – (Green leaves suddenly burst from each hand) AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Tour Guide: Aaaahhhhh!!!!  (Rips off Tourist’s cap to reveal a pretty flower springing up from the top of the latter’s head) Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Group Members: (All turn simultaneously to see what the commotion is about) Aaaahhhhh!!!!

Tourist: (Eyes roll up trying to look at scalp) What?!

Tour Guide: (In a choked voice) Nothing.

Tourist: (Holds out hands to Tour Guide, who backs away) What is this?!  Is this altitude sickness?!  I thought I was cured!

Group Member 1: (Calmly strolling over with Group Member 2) Ah, you take too much chlorophyll?

Tourist: (Spins to face them) How’d you know what I was taking?!

Group Member 1: (Pointedly looks at the other’s hands and head) It’s pretty obvious.

Tourist: (Reaches above head and feels the flower) Oooooh, this is so creepy, get it off, get it off, get it off!  (Tries to pull it out) Owwwww!!!

Group Member 1: Best to let it wither up with lack of water and sun; it’ll drop right off.  Assuming you stop taking the pills, that is.

Group Member 2: Oh yes – (To Group Member 2) remember that trip 10 years ago when you –

Group Member 1: Yes dear, once again it can be assumed that I speak from experience.  (To Tourist) If you’d rather, I can try to find that deer to take care of this for you in the meantime.

Tourist: (Crying, slumps to the ground, staring at hands in horror as the flower twitches from the movement) I just wanted to feel well enough to hike a mountain…. (To the Group Members) Is this my monster origin story?!

Tour Guide: (Disconnects from a phone call) OK, here’s the deal: we can’t helicopter you off of here, so do you think you can make it back down to the trailhead where an ambulance can take you to the hospital?

Tourist: (Sniffles, uses the hand leaves to wipe away tears, and nods) Uh-huh: nothing’s sprouted on my feet yet.

Group Member 3: What about your face?  That begonia or whatever made it through using just the tiny holes in your cap, and your whole face’s been exposed for hours!

Tourist: (Gasps) You’re right!  (Feels in panic around face) They’re bumps everywhere!

Group Member 1: That’s just acne.

Tourist: Oh, right.  Guess we can go now.  (Shakily stands, with assistance from Tour Guide)

Group Member 4: (Comes forward with a camera) Would you mind if I take your picture, as a freaky memento?

Tourist: Sure.  At least somebody’ll have a good memory of this trip.

(At a hospital, Tourist lies on a bed in a private room while wearing bandages on hands and head)

Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-how-are-you-feeling?

Tourist: Oh my gosh, you work here too?!

Doctor: Doctors-are-in-short-supply-in-this-part-of-the-country-so-how-are-you-feeling-please?

Tourist: (Sighs) Better.  Horrified, but better.

Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Good-good-good-any-of-the-previous-symptoms-back?

Tourist: Nope, those seem to be taken care of as well.

Doctor: Good-good-good-you-can-be-discharged-today-with-follow-up-wound-care-bye.  (Starts to exit quickly)

Tourist: Hey, Doc!  (Doctor quickly turns around and returns to the bedside) Not for nothing, but a heads-up on the dosage amount for the chlorophyll would’ve helped!

Doctor: (Gives a withering look, then leans in a bit) You.  Should.  ALWAYS.  Read.  The.  Label.  Before.  You.  Take.  Something.  New.

Tourist: …Good point.

Story 383: When Hiking, Know Your Way

 (Friend 1 drives with Friend 2 to a state park on a sunny Sunday morning)

Friend 1: You’re gonna love it: woods, streams, swamps, rocks and tree roots to trip over, steep paths that are nearly vertical – it’s a great workout.

Friend 2: Yeah, I’ll try it out but I’m warning you now, I may not be able to keep up if the trail gets too… challenging.

Friend 1: No worries!  I knew you weren’t ready for the – ahem – experienced black diamond trail yet, so I’m taking you on the wimpy green circle one instead.

Friend 2: Gee, thanks, you’re a pal.

Friend 1: (Slams on the brakes at the parking lot entrance) What is this?!

Friend 2: What, is it closed?

Friend 1: Don’t sound so eager – (Points to a sign) they’re making the hikers park all the way over at the lake today!  Guess this tiny-tiny lot can’t handle all the people who’re suddenly coming here on the weekend.  (Cars behind them blast their horns) All right, all right, you’d’ve stopped too if you were the one who was first!  (Speeds through several winding roads to reach the lake parking lot)

Friend 2: So, what, we just loop around to the back end of the trail from here?

Friend 1: (As they park and then exit the car) I guess; I don’t know, I’ve never had to park here to get on the trails before, I’m all discombobulated!

Friend 2: Calm down; what does the map say?

Friend 1: Huh?  Oh right.  (Whips out a park map and turns it around several times) The lake’s here, so we’re here – no, we’re facing it from here, but the playground is on our right, but on here it looks like it’s on our left – (Keeps turning the map around until Friend 2 snatches it)

Friend 2: Well, a trail starts on the other side of the lake, so we probably should follow those people heading over there on the right and see if we can pick it up from that point.

Friend 1: (Snatches the map back and studies it some more) Never follow some randos on a hike: they’re never going where you want to be, and they leave their litter and unleashed dogs just everywhere.

Friend 2: Now you know that’s not true –

Friend 1: AHA!  (Draws a finger around the lake on the map) If we go that way on the left, it’ll loop around to the trail no problem!  Let’s go.  (Strides purposefully to loop around the left side of the lake)

Friend 2: (Stares wistfully at the scattered groups of people on the right side of the lake, then mutters while following Friend 1) Can always turn around....

(They walk on the path for a few minutes until they reach a picnic area)

Friend 1: (Looks at the map) Hm, this must be new; the only picnic area this is showing around here should either be behind us or on the other side.

Friend 2: (Points at an icon) Is it that site way over there?

Friend 1: No, that’s too far away – we’re over here.  (Points to a different spot)

Friend 2: (Looks at the lake and cars passing by on a nearby road, then points at the map again) Seems like we’re more over here and the trail we want starts way over there –

Friend 1: No sense of direction – onward we go!  (Starts ascending a steep and craggy hill)

Friend 2: You sure about that?  Doesn’t seem like that’s an official path.

Friend 1: Get used to it, `cause there’re tons like this all over – it’s called Nature.

Friend 2: Whatever.

Friend 1: Don’t think I don’t know what you mean by that.  And as long as we have the lake in sight, were on the right track, trust me!  Trailhead should be here any minute!

(They climb up, then down, then up, then down, then – )

Friend 2: We’re circling around the other side of the lake now, you know.

Friend 1: (Looks out at the lake, back at their progress, down at the map, turning it on its side, then back at the lake again) Yep: trailhead should be here any minute!

Friend 2: <Sigh>

(They climb up, then down, then up, then down, then – )

Friend 2: (At the top of a root-riddled hill that Friend 1 had leapt down) I’m not certain this is an actual path meant for human beings!

Friend 1: Oh come on, how else are we supposed to get to the trailhead?!  The rangers obviously cleared it for use, look!  (Sweeps arm above the dirt trail)

Friend 2: For goat use, maybe!  And I’m starting to get tired – I don’t think I can get down there without injury.

Friend 1: Fine, if you can’t jump it just hold onto the tree and scootch your way down!  Either way, we are not turning around and going back the way we came, do you hear me?!

Friend 2: Unfortunately yes.  And you can call 911 when I break something.  (Gingerly steps and slips down the hill while holding onto tree trunks)

Friend 1: There: that wasn’t so bad, now was it?

Friend 2: I almost fell three times!

Friend 1: The balance comes with practice.

(They continue around the other side of the lake and emerge into a sandy clearing: from there, they see other hikers who are coming from the parking lot go around the right side of the lake to where a set of stairs lead into the woods.  Friend 1 follows them to a large display that features a map and holds the paper map up against that)

Friend 1: Oh, I see!  We were parked closer to the other side of the lake, so we should’ve come up this way instead and taken those stairs to a cut-through to the trailhead!  (Friend 2 grabs the paper map and whacks Friend 1 with it) I deserve that.

(They continue along the cut-through path, Friend 2 getting slower and slower)

Friend 1: (Breathes deeply) Ah, the wetlands air is so invigorating!

Friend 2: (Stops to drink mightily from a water bottle) It’s having the opposite effect on me at the moment.

Friend 1: (Places an arm around Friend 2’s shoulders) Isn’t this great, though?  The sense of adventure, without any of the risk of having to blaze a trail ourselves?  Ooh, watch your step.

(Friend 2 almost drops several feet as the elevation abruptly shifts again)

Friend 2: I thought you said this was the wimpy trail?!

Friend 1: It will be: this is just a cut-through to get to it from the lake side.  Looks pretty new, too – I think my map may be a bit out-of-date.

Friend 2: <Grinds teeth>

(They finally arrive at another large wooden display)

Friend 1: Yes!  Success!

Friend 2: (Drooping and gasping for air) What is it?  Did we reach the parking lot again?

Friend 1: Don’t be silly, that’s in the completely opposite direction!  (Spreads arms wide towards the display) This is it!

Friend 2: “It?”

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2) The trailhead!  We made it, at last!  Our hike can finally begin!  (Friend 2 slumps over to a nearby bench and tips forward to lie down on it; Friend 1 lowers arms and turns back to the display) Right: give you a minute.