(Brain is stationed at a table processing complaints from various organs, etc. in an individual human body)
Brain: (To Heart) I understand you’re working harder than you’ve ever had since puberty, but don’t you also think that that work’s long overdue, hm?
Heart: I suppose – just wish you’d ease off a bit on the extreme exercise and let us all work our way up to the hour-long cardio, yeah? It’s been a while since we had gym class five days a week that kept us moving, and none of us are as young as we used to be.
Brain: Fair enough: I’ll send the signals to scale back our drive from “Make Up for Lost Time” to “Baby Steps,” would that work?
Heart: Definitely. Ooh, and can you also send a message to reintroduce just a little bit more salt back into the diet? I’m loving the cleanse, but I do need a smidgen of the old sodium chloride to keep the gears a-movin’.
Brain: (Sighs while taking notes) I’ll see what I can do; all-or-nothing seems to be the only approach Consciousness understands, so conflicting messages may make the whole works start freaking out. Plus it’s hard sending a direct message on a good day, what with the disconnect and all.
Heart: Whatever you can do would be much appreciated – ta! (Jogs off)
Brain: (Mutters while still writing notes) Less salt – more salt – run more – run less – I can’t keep up with all these lifestyle changes, and I initiated most of them. Next! (Sees Tongue approach, dragging along Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) Oh, blergh, not you again, Tongue – your complaints have gotten to the point where I’ve pre-screened them all as “Frivolous.”
Tongue: And I’ve chosen to ignore it. (Releases the other three) Brain: I’ve been patient. I know, in the past, I’ve led us all a tad astray with my needs and desires which, I admit, have not always been in our collective best interest –
Brain: Putting it mildly: I’m still amazed that the amount of sugar you’ve had us ingest over the years never tipped us over into full-blown diabetes.
Pancreas: (Passing by) You’re welcome, by the way.
Brain: (Casually salutes Pancreas, then returns to Tongue) You were saying?
Tongue: Yes, what I mean is, I’ve been doing my best to make amends for all that, and being a team player with this new “healthy lifestyle” you suddenly got it into yourself to embrace – I’ve never complained once about all the bland, flat fuel that seem to be the only items on the menu now, because I know we all benefit in the long run.
Brain: And I thank you, Tongue; I know this must be difficult for you, so we’re all grateful for your cooperation.
Tongue: Quite. So, believe me when I say that these three (Grabs Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines and pulls them forward) have crossed the line, and I will not stand for it a second longer!
Stomach: (As all three shake off Tongue) Buzz off, Tongue – I’m still getting over the ulcer all those years of soda wore into my lining!
Small Intestines: And don’t get us started on the decades we’ve had to work overtime extracting whatever nutrition we could from the garbage passing through our tracts!
Large Intestines: I don’t know how we stood it.
Tongue: If you’ve been paying any attention at all here, you know I’m a changed organ! I concede the error of my ways, and strive to do better.
Brain: So what’s the problem?
Tongue: (Points to the others) These three randomly decided they don’t feel good, so they convinced you – (Points to Brain) to bring in that! (Points to Ginger, lounging in a chair nearby)
Ginger: `Sup.
Brain: Oh yeah – well, we were told that would help with nausea; what’s it to do with you? You haven’t minded in the past.
Tongue: Well! Little did you know – or maybe you secretly did – there was a hidden ingredient tucked away in the depths of this fiend whose spiciness we’ve barely tolerated for the greater good! (Goes to Ginger, reaches inside, and pulls out Cayenne Pepper) This – ABOMINATION!
Cayenne Pepper: (Waves at everyone) Howdy-do!
Tongue: Ugh! (Drops Cayenne Pepper; the latter gets up to sit on the chair with Ginger)
Brain: Huh. What’s that doing there?
Tongue: A very valid question, Your Honor!
Brain: Calm down – this isn’t a trial, it’s just a complaint desk.
Tongue: Right. So, here I am, helping out some colleagues when they need me –
Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines: HA!
Tongue: – and processing the wildly unpleasant Ginger –
Ginger: Easy there, buddy.
Tongue: – as I have in the past as you said, which is fine, I’ve adjusted – when out of nowhere, some new brand must’ve been picked up or TARGETED, because this one – (Gestures to Cayenne Pepper) bursts onto the scene and literally sets me on fire!
Cayenne Pepper: (Waves off Tongue) A bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?
Tongue: I nearly shut down for a week! And it wasn’t just me: Eyes’ll tell you all about their system overload! (Gestures to Eyes) Go on, tell them!
Left Eye: …Well, there may have been a minor tearing-up situation.
Right Eye: No biggie.
Tongue: Could’ve fooled me!
Brain: (To Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) All right, I’ve heard from the accuser – what do you all have to say for yourselves?
Large Intestines: I agree, it was a bit of a shock too, at first, but as it worked through us the results were very, ah, effective.
Stomach: Nausea all gone, that’s what I care about.
Brain: Indeed, it was quite the whirlwind that day. (To Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) Anything you want to add?
Ginger: (Stretched out for a nap) Uh-huh: I fail to understand what all this whining’s about.
Cayenne Pepper: Yeah, what can we say? We get the job done.
Tongue: But what about me???!!!
(Everyone else stares at Tongue)
Brain: Sorry Tongue, but like everything else, you’re just going to have to deal with it. And I’m not sorry. (Waves to the waiting Spinal Cord) Next!
Tongue: (Leans across the table to get into Brain’s personal space) Brain, please, I’m begging you: just some potato chips once in a while, or-or a milkshake if we’ve all been really good, anything to offset this new madness of Hot and Hotter!
Brain: Now Tongue, you know if we go back to having those kinds of things regularly, that’s a slippery slope to you wanting them all the time again –
Tongue: I do now! Is that so wrong?!
Brain: Yes: our doctor said if we didn’t change our ways we’d soon have all the comorbidities.
Tongue: I know, but then don’t turn around and punish me with hellfire!
Cayenne Pepper: Heh, that’s a good one – I think I’ll call myself that now.
Ginger: Don’t push it.
Stomach: (Together with Small Intestines and Large Intestines gently tries to pull Tongue away from the table) Come on, Tongue, your temporary suffering really does help us out big time.
Small Intestines: I’ll say.
Large Intestines: (Looks at Cayenne Pepper) Whoo-whee!
(Cayenne Pepper winks back at them)
Tongue: (Starts weeping while holding onto the table) It’s not fair! I’m trying to be good, but you all still hate me so!
Brain: (Tiredly beckons Tongue a bit closer) One piece of dark chocolate every few days, OK? And we’ll work on finding some tasty healthy stuff.
Tongue: (Hugs Brain, now weeping with joy) Bless you, bless you! (Allows the other three to guide them all away) You won’t regret this! (Passes by Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) You – !
Ginger and Cayenne Pepper: (Wave cutely at Tongue) Byeeee!!
Brain: Be gracious in victory, please.
Ginger: Hey, we’re the ones helping you all out, don’t forget. (Leaves with Cayenne Pepper)
Brain: (Shuddering) Don’t I know it. (To Spinal Cord) Sorry for the wait – what can I do for you?
Spinal Cord: (Approaches the table) Well, I just wanted to let you know that with this new regime of actually getting up throughout the day, and walking, and moving around in general, and intense activity, and better nutrition, and sleeping enough each night, have really done wonders for that constant pain I used to be in – you’re doing a great job, keep up the good work!
Brain: (Taken aback) Oh. Thank you. So this isn’t a complaint, then?
Spinal Cord: Not at all! It’s positive feedback!
Brain: I’m not sure how to deal with that.
