(In Friend 1’s apartment, an alarm radio goes off in the morning)
Radio DJ: – enough of you ungrateful listeners: I come in here at 6 a.m. every weekday on two hours’ sleep and have to scream like a maniac for nearly four hours straight; and my day doesn’t end at 10 a.m., oh no, I’ve still got hours of show planning and ad recordings and all those extra events the station hosts, and all of you at home in your cozy PJs and hot coffee and burnt toast have the nerve to call me lazy?! You have no idea, no idea –
Friend 1: (Had opened one eye while listening, then slams a hand on the radio button to turn it off) Finally lost it, eh? About time.
(Slowly goes through morning ablutions, eats a minimal breakfast, then double-takes while passing a mirror on the way out the door)
Friend 1: (Peers closer, tugging on a long lock of hair) Ew, gettin’ a little shaggy and gross there, my friend. Guess I’ll have to schedule a haircut soon. (Thinks about everything involved in that ordeal) Ughhhh…. (Leaves for work)
(At an office, Friend 1 walks with Coworker to a conference room)
Friend 1: I can’t take much more of these consultant meetings – I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m interviewing for my own job.
Coworker: I think we are, actually.
Friend 1: Oh. Well that’s a bummer.
Coworker: Yeah, that’s why I’ve been dressing a little more business and a little less casual lately – (Stops to straighten suit jacket) Do I look all right?
Friend 1: (Also stops and does a quick appraisal) Yes, you look very professional and job-worthy. How about me?
Coworker: You look fine.
Friend 1: Doesn’t sound as promising, but thanks.
Coworker: You know, not to get too personal but I love what you’ve done with your hair.
Friend 1: Heh?
Coworker: Did you get it done recently, or do you use a certain product? It looks fantastic.
Friend 1: …Is this some sort of twisted joke to lighten the ominous mood around here?
Coworker: Not at all – it must’ve taken you hours to get that careless tousled look. I wish my hair could do that; all I’ve got are tight-ringed curls that always look the same, what a nightmare.
Friend 1: …. (Blinks) …Seriously?!
Coworker: Yes! What’s the matter?
Friend 1: I haven’t washed my hair in over three days! Brushing does nothing lately! It needs to be mowed, by a chainsaw! What on Earth are you going on about?!
Coworker: Oh. Guess it’s hideous, then. (Resumes walking to the meeting)
Friend 1: That one’s having a laugh. (Sees a reflective surface and runs a hand through the mess) Eurgh, it’s feeling greasier by the second.
THE NEXT DAY
(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are in Hour 2 on an advanced trail)
Friend 2: I feel like I could do these trails all day, but if I ever had to do any real hiking, up a mountain or something, I have a sneaking suspicion I wouldn’t make it past the first mile.
Friend 1: Yeah, it’s always best to avoid situations that’d expose our inadequacy. (Takes off a cap briefly to scratch head)
Friend 2: (Looking over) Oh, wow.
Friend 1: What, it’s not another tick, is it?!
Friend 2: No, nothing like that, it’s just – your hair looks amazing right now, I can’t believe it.
Friend 1: (Stops and stares at Friend 2, who also stops) I thought we’d agreed never to lie to each other.
Friend 2: (Laughs) I’m not, Paranoia: I’d figure with the hat and the sweat it’d be a bit messy, but I think all that’s actually working to make it look nice. You know, that wavy, windswept, studied indifference look. Wish I could get mine to do that – right now it’s all stringy and blah.
Friend 1: I don’t get it.
Friend 2: Well, we’ve been walking a long time and I’d rather not take my hat off to show you but –
Friend 1: Not yours, mine! You’re the second person to say it looks great when I know it’s a disaster!
Friend 2: Doesn’t look like a disaster, though.
Friend 1: How can you say that?! I haven’t washed it in four days; it hasn’t been styled or even trimmed in over six months; the layers are all grown out and in my eyes; its default mode is oil slick; it looks like garbage and IT FEELS LIKE TRASH!
Friend 2: (Shrugs and continues walking) The combination of all that must be perfect, then. Although you probably want to wash it more often just for personal hygiene, though.
Friend 1: I’ve been busy!
ONE WEEK LATER
(At a hair salon)
Friend 1: (Is led to the hair washing station by a trainee, leans back in the seat, and closes eyes) Ahhhhh, this’ll be a relief, let me tell you.
Trainee: (Laughs obligingly while preparing the shampoo) We aim to please – oh, wow.
Friend 1: (Opens one eye) What?
Trainee: I have to say, your hair looks a-maz-ing like that – you sure you want us to do anything to it?
Friend 1: (Opens other eye) What?!
Trainee: (To Hairdresser passing by) Hey – here’s your 5:30; have you ever seen such locks?
Hairdresser: (Walks over to the other two to look) You know, we’re not supposed to comment on the clients’ appearance – oh, wow.
Trainee: I know, right?!
Hairdresser: Those waves, those layers – (To Friend 1) I have to ask: what’s your secret?
Friend 1: Dirt.
Hairdresser: Hm?
Friend 1: I haven’t washed it in days `cause I was coming here! To have it washed right now, as a matter of fact!
Hairdresser: Oh. But those waves….
Friend 1: Untouched by a professional for half a year: what you see before you is the result of extreme negligence and the ravages of time!
Hairdresser: (Pulls out a cell phone) Mind if I take a picture in case other clients want to duplicate this… fantastic look?
Friend 1: (Closes eyes again) Go right ahead.
THE NEXT DAY
(At a movie theater lobby, Friend 2 sees Friend 1 enter, wearing a hat)
Friend 2: So? Did you get your hair all fixed to your satisfaction?
Friend 1: I did indeed. (Whips off the hat to show a short, sharp haircut) It feels wonderful and so freeing – what do you think?
Friend 2: …I think it makes you happy.
Friend 1: That’s a non-answer; you don’t have to love it, but isn’t it at least an improvement over the landfill that was perched on my head before?
Friend 2: Honestly?
Friend 1: Preferably.
Friend 2: I liked it better the way it was before.
Friend 1: Un-freaking-believable.
