Story 471: The Hunt for The Gift

Announcer: Hello everyone, and welcome to The Hunt for The Gift, our annual competition extravaganza to determine who can track down and seize that special gift for that special someone, and who’s going to be told to just buzz off!  It’s certainly exciting to watch it, if not necessarily to live it…. So let the madness begin!

Shopper 1: (At a customer service desk) Hi, do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?

Retailer 1: AHAHAHAHA!!!  Oh, you’re serious.

Shopper 1: Is that a “Yes”?

Retailer 1: We sold out in July.

Shopper 1: So is that a “No”?

Announcer: Let’s check our next contestant, shall we?

Shopper 2: (At a customer service desk) Hi, this is store #20 for me, today alone – I’ve been on The Hunt for the past month-and-a-half.  Do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?

Retailer 2: Stop wasting my time – next!

Shopper 2: Gotcha.  On to store #21!

Announcer: Back to our other contestant!

Shopper 1: (At another store) The Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money?

Retailer 3: We never even received a shipment for it to begin with.

Shopper 1: Never?

Retailer 3: Not once.  Our customers hate us this year.

Shopper 1: I’ll say.

Announcer: And the other contestant!

Shopper 2: (On the telephone) Hello, do you have the Gotta-Have-It Item That Everyone Wants This Year And Can’t Be Found For Love Or Money that I can reserve for pick-up today, please?

Retailer 4: Ah yes, we decided that in order for this particular product to remain intact and unsold to other customers currently in the store, we’re requiring that the requester put down one part of their soul at the time of the reservation.  Nonrefundable.

Shopper 2: You want part of my soul just to make the reservation?!

Retailer 4: Yes.

Shopper 2: …Which part?

Announcer: And our other contestant!

Shopper 1: (At another customer service desk) Hi!  Borderline violent shopper here: do you have the Gotta-Have-It –

Retailer 5: Get out.

Announcer: And our other contestant!

Shopper 2: (At home) Huh?  Oh, I finally just told that special someone they’re getting an IOU while it’s being shipped in from the North Pole, and I’m gifting packages of candy to comfort them in the meantime.  I’m now spending the remaining two frantic days of the shopping season on my couch wrapped up in a snug blanket with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head, instead of spending that time endlessly struggling amongst the innumerable hordes.

Announcer: Yeah, thanks for playing.  (Cuts off Shopper 2’s video feed) Well folks, there you have it!  In The Hunt for The Gift, pretty much everyone loses!  But isn’t that what this season’s all about?!  Happy Holidays to all – I’m going home now to sleep off my exhaustion.

Story 445: Sidewalks Are for Losers: Public Service Announcement

 (Scene of a residential suburban street: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic)

Announcer: (Voiceover) Has this ever happened to you?

(A car turns the corner, stops suddenly behind Pedestrian 1, and blares the horn until the latter skitters onto the sidewalk)

Announcer: (V.O.) You’re walking along, minding your own business, when some car forces you off the very road you have just as much right to be on as they do?  (Pedestrian 1 and Driver shake fists at each other)

(Scene cuts to a strip mall parking lot: Pedestrian 2 walks across parking spots parallel to a sidewalk that would have led to the same destination; cars screech to a stop in the lanes or while backing out of spaces; drivers yell unintelligible abuse out of their windows)

Announcer: (V.O.) How much harassment must be endured before we say, “Enough is enough”?

(Scene cuts to a busy highway: Announcer is standing on a grassy median in the middle of the two-way traffic; horns occasionally blare as the cars zoom by) As a pedestrian, you know that you have the right of way.  But did you know that you have the right of way any time, any place, any situation?  So few of us seem to be aware that we can walk absolutely wherever we want, whenever we want; Big Automotive, however, takes any chance it can get to force us off of what it considers to be “its” roads.  Excuse me, but who built those roads?  Pedestrians!  What came before the wheel?  Feet!  (Starts walking across lanes of traffic while still addressing the camera; cars slam to a stop and nearly crash into each other, horns and voices now screaming) So, I’m asking you to join me today, fellow pedestrians, to literally take back our streets!  (Trots the last few feet to the other side of the highway, narrowly missing a front fender)

(Scene cuts to a residential development: a line of cars slowly crawls as Pedestrians 3 and 4 stroll down the middle of the street)

Announcer: (V.O.) Don’t let these bully cars herd us onto so-called “safe” walkways just so we can be out of their way!  We’re not cattle!  (Pedestrians 3 and 4 stop walking and begin to chat animatedly with each other, still in the middle of the street; the cars turn off their engines)

(Scene cuts to a metropolitan city street: bumper-to-bumper traffic barely moves as pedestrians walk all over six car lanes and two bike lanes)

Announcer: (V.O.) Cities are made for human beings, not buses and taxis!  They should get out of our way!

(Scene cuts to the same residential suburban street shown at the beginning: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic when a car turns the corner and stops suddenly behind the former; this time, Pedestrian 1 stares down the car until the latter reverses onto the previous street and waits as Pedestrian 1 now skips diagonally back and forth across the road)

            (Scene cuts to an airport: Announcer stands smack dab in the middle of the runway as planes take off and land overhead)

Announcer: So, stand up for yourselves!  Walk where you please!  Step aside and wait for no machine!  This is a pedestrian’s world – automobiles are just living in it!  And always remember: sidewalks are for losers!  Never yield!  Never – (Suddenly holds a hand up to an earpiece and listens) Yeah, we’re almost wrapped, what’s up?... What do you mean, the title actually was “Sidewalks Are Not for Losers”?!... Well, that would’ve been nice to know before I wrote and filmed the whole thing, now wouldn’t it?!

Story 348: Race Around the World: Venice Edition

            (Announcer is standing on a gondola at the northwestern end of the Grand Canal)

           Announcer: Welcome, folks, to today’s installment of Race Around the World.  As you may have guessed by my surroundings, we are, in fact, in Venice – and not Little Venice in London, either: Actual Venice.  You can see on the Constitution Bridge behind me our four contestants are lined up and ready to begin their trek through the alleyways that are the closest things to pedestrian streets in this slowly sinking city, to emerge triumphant in Saint Mark’s Square – Piazza San Marco, if you want to be local – and collapse in the midst of the pigeons there.  They each must take a different route and all have been given maps, else we may never see any of them again.  And they’re off!  (The contestants run across the bridge; Announcer addresses the gondolier) Driver, take me down-canal!  (The gondolier begins rowing; Announcer falls onto the bottom of the gondola at the first lurch) Folks, the rest of this race will be brought to you by drone.

            (Contestants 1-4 run together until race officials direct each of them down a different street; drones follow as they separate)

            Announcer: (Voiceover) Contestant 3 is having a good start: that one got the route with signs directing tourists to the Piazza, so that’s a “Whoops” on the part of whoever scouted this locale.  (Contestant 3 stops short on the edge of a street that dead-ends onto a canal) Ah, the pitfalls of turning right when one should have turned left, then looped around that ancient church, then turned right: common beginner’s mistake.

        (Contestant 2 runs while holding the map in front of their face, zigging and zagging purposefully)

            Announcer: (V.O.) Ooh, this one shows promise: heading in the correct direction, crossing 25 canals already, making steady progress while refusing to be distracted by the fabulous ristoranti with their menus tantalizingly set out right in front – (Contestant 2 runs off the street into a canal) – guess misread that logo on the map: the bridge was a bit to the left there.  (Contestant 2 swims out of the canal and climbs back onto the street; the map is soaked) That’s too bad; maybe there’re some signs here to cheat with?  We’ll check back later.

            (Contestant 4 has traced a circuitous route for some time)

           Announcer: (V.O.) Ah, poor Contestant 4: back at the train station yet again.  At this point, just follow the Grand Canal, darling.  (Contestant 4 throws down the map, climbs up the side of a building, and begins leaping from rooftop-to-rooftop in a southeasterly direction) Is that allowed?... Well, nothing in the rules say contestants can’t do that, so let’s see how this pans out.

            (Contestant 1 arrives at the Rialto Bridge)

           Announcer: (V.O.) And here we have our first contestant reaching the last major checkpoint on the course – and look, Contestant 3 is not far behind!  This is getting exciting.

          (Contestant 1 reaches the far side of the bridge and hesitates turning right or going straight down the rest of the steps, staring at the map; Contestant 3 barrels past, nearly knocking over Contestant 1)

           Announcer: (V.O.) This section of the city has signs all over the place, so if you miss them then really, that’s on you.

            (Contestant 1 starts running again, catching up to Contestant 3; they try to pass each other but keep bouncing off the buildings that line the streets)

           Announcer: (V.O.) While those two are having fun, let’s check back in on our damp Contestant 2.  (Cut to Contestant 2, who is sitting at an outdoor café eating gelato and listening to a four-piece band) Never mind.  How about Contestant 4?  (Cut to Contestant 4, still parkouring across rooftops and now approaching the Piazza from the east)  Seems to have veered off a bit but is making excellent time trying to course-correct.  (Contestants 1 and 3 continuously shove each other as they approach from the north) Oh my, this is a close one: if none of them are disqualified for their behavior, we could quite possibly have a three-way tie.  (Contestant 4 leaps onto one of the roofs of St. Mark’s Basilica, vaults off the four horses on the front balcony, and slides down the side of the building to stumble onto the ground at the same moment that Contestants 1 and 3 mutually shove themselves into the Piazza from the opposite side.  The three stare at each other through the hordes of pigeons) Oh dear.  We never did set an actual final endpoint within the Piazza itself for this.  Judges?  (As the judges confer, Contestants 1, 3, and 4 suddenly start running toward the south entrance of the Piazza; all three reach it at the same time, continue running, and simultaneously leap off the street into the mouth of the Grand Canal, swimming toward the Island of San Giorgio Maggiore)  Well.  It seems they have an unspoken agreement amongst themselves.  Whatever race they have going on right now is outside our purview – the judges have decided it’s a three-way tie, but I think the true winner here is Contestant 2, wouldn’t you agree?  (Cut to Announcer eating gelato with Contestant 2 at the outdoor café) As for me, I’ve had enough: I’m going to sit back and enjoy Venice now, and maybe I’ll see the rest of you in our next installment of Race Around the World.  However, that one is set for Wildwood, New Jersey, so I’ll have to think long and hard before I commit to it.