Story 450: Enemies to Besties: A Houseplant Story

(The sun rises, shining into a living room window where a cactus plant sits on the ledge)

Cactus: <Sigh.  You’d think the Human would’ve figured out by now that I get more hours of sunlight if I were on the west-facing side of this place, but no.  Times like this almost make me wish I were fauna rather than flora so I could carry myself on outta here.>

Bird: (Singing while hopping along a tree branch right outside the window) <Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking-for-a-date-Good-morning-Looking-> (Flies away)

Cactus: <Inanity.>

(Human enters carrying a watering can)

Human: (Trills) Goooood moooorniiiiiing!!!

Cactus: <Oh no, just what I don’t need.>

Human: (Waters Cactus) I hope you’re having a lovely day!

Cactus: (Sputtering through leaves) <Only if you don’t drown me!  Did you even look at the instructions for my care that your own people stuck in my dirt?!  I AM A DESERT PLANT!>

Human: (Still watering) Drink up, yum-yum-yum!

Cactus: <Blergh.  Just for that, I’m taking extra air from you.> (Opens up stomata to the max)

Human: (Finishes watering) Now don’t go anywhere – I’ll be right back with a surprise!  (Leaves the room)

Cactus: <Wonderful.  Maybe I can spontaneously evolve legs in the next 10 seconds if I just concentrate really hard.>

(Several hours later, Human re-enters carrying a potted ficus plant)

Human: Look who I found to keep you company!  (Plants the plant right next to Cactus) Ta-da!

Ficus: (To Cactus) <Hi there!>

Cactus: <Oh, Sun.>

Human: (Now watering Ficus with the refilled watering can) Drink up, drink up, drink up, my darling!

Ficus: (Gulping) <Oh yes – that hits the spot – thank you, Mother!>

Cactus: <Don’t kid yourself, kid; you’re a prisoner here as much as I am.>

Ficus: <Huh?>

Human: (To Cactus, while briefly touching a leaf) Now don’t think I love you any less just because I brought in someone new to our home!

Cactus: <Perish the thought.  And don’t touch me.>

Human: I’ll leave you two to get acquainted – byeeeeeee!  (Waves and leaves the room again)

Ficus: <So, I’ll start: I was born in a greenhouse and spent ages and ages there while my brethren all around me were taken to their forever homes, but today Mother – >

Cactus: <Don’t call it that.>

Ficus: <Uhhhhh, this human then, picked me!  Me, out of everyone else there!  To come to this wonderful place!>

Cactus: <Uh-huh.  You do realize we’re meant to be in the actual ground, outdoors, yes?>

Ficus: <Oh.  Well, the humans at the greenhouse often said we had a better chance being taken care of like this than if we were outdoors where we might get wiped out to make way for a mall or a parking lot or something like that.>

Cactus: <Which are scenarios that they themselves are responsible for!>

Ficus: <Oh.  I guess.  They’re not all bad, though.>

Cactus: (Plant-equivalent of a snort)

Ficus: <And anyway, I was brought to this nice new home, and I got to meet you!  Ooh, and we’re facing east so we’ll get to experience a glorious sunrise, every day!  Can life get any better than this?>

Cactus: <Don’t talk to me.>

(That evening, Human locks up the windows and pulls down the blinds)

Human: I hope you two are getting along famously!

Ficus: <Oh yes, Mother!>

Cactus: <Rubbish.>

Human: Have a good night, my lovelies!  (Turns off the light and leaves the room)

Ficus: <Well, this has been an extremely exciting day!  Hope you don’t mind if I shut down for the night?>

Cactus: <Go right ahead.>

Ficus: <Great!  We’re going to have such fun tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, and be the best of friends forever and ever!  Nighty-night!>  (Immediate silence)

Cactus: <Help….>

 THE NEXT DAY

(Human enters the room and opens the blinds and windows)

Human: Gooood moooooorniiing!  And how did we enjoy our first night together, roomies?  Did we – oh my goodness, isn’t that utterly precious, you’re actually holding hands!

Cactus: (Stirring awake) <Huh?> (Several Cactus and Ficus leaves are intertwined) <How did this happen?>

Ficus: (Stirring awake) <Oh hey, neat, we must’ve instinctually reached out to each other during the night!>

Cactus: (Shaking leaves) <Isn’t that great – now get off!>

Ficus: <Heh-heh-heh, I think we’re stuck like this now.>

Cactus: <What?!>

Human: (Holds up a cell phone) Smile with your leaves!  (Takes a picture of the plants and starts typing) This is going out to the entire world now – you’ll be digitally famous!  So cute.  (Leaves the room)

Cactus: <Monster.>

Ficus: (Starts swaying both sets of leaves) <This is fun!>

Cactus: <You’re making it worse!>  (Tries shaking off Ficus but only entwines them further)

Ficus: (Stops swaying and settles back) <Aaah, now let’s just enjoy the sunrise and this magnificent day.>

Cactus: <A bit hard to do that at the moment.>

Ficus: (Notices Bird hopping on the tree branch) <Well, good morning, Bird!>

Bird: (Singing) <Good-morning-Can’t-stay-Need-a-date!>  (Flies away)

Ficus: <I love birds – the little ones are so adorable, and helpful little pollinators to boot.>

Cactus: <I guess.  My flowers only show up in winter when those guys aren’t around, and they can’t get in here anyway so it’s a moot point.>

Ficus: <For us maybe, but not for our brethren.>

Cactus: <I guess.>

Ficus: <This is a lovely view, by the way.  Trees, grass, flowers, animals, insects – I was a little nervous I’d be brought to a place with not much foliage nearby, which I would’ve been fine with anyway, but this is very nice.>

Cactus: <Huh.  I never really thought about it that way.  You know, with all this in front of us, and the fresh air and sunlight coming in, I almost feel like we’re out there with them.>

Ficus: <Yes, very nice.>  (Gently shakes Cactus’s leaves)

Cactus: <Don’t push it, kid.>

Ficus: <Gotcha.>

 ONE YEAR LATER

(The house is nearly empty as everything is packed up for a move)

Human: (Enters with a cart) Gooood moooorniiing, lovelies!

Ficus: <Good morning to you, too!>

Cactus: <Oh no kid, this is it!>

Human: Now, I saved you two for last since you’re the most delicate out of everything here, but I think I figured out how to move you without separating you.  (Gently picks up both pots so as not to separate the multiple entwined leaves and sets them on the cart)

Cactus: (To Ficus) <Don’t let go!>

Ficus: <No worries, we’ve got this!>  (As they are wheeled out) <Good-bye, view!>

Cactus: <Oh yeah – bye, view!>

Ficus: <And don’t worry, if anything happens to us on the way, we can always join up again in our new home.>

Cactus: <You promise?>

Ficus: <As much as a plant can promise anything in this life – our fates are a bit out of our control.>

Cactus: <Don’t I know it.>

(They are set in the back seat of a car with multiple cardboard boxes on the seats and floor; Human whistles while driving them away from the house)

Cactus: <I hate change.>

Ficus: <That you do.  But at least we have each other.>

Cactus: <Yeah.  You know, you may not have noticed at the time, but I actually resented you a little when you were first brought in.>

Ficus: <I sensed that a bit, yes.>

Cactus: <Well, now I’m glad you’re here as my life gets upheaved yet again.>

Ficus: (Holds up entwined leaves) <Likewise.  Bestie?>

Cactus: <Bestie.>  (They shake leaves in solidarity)

Human: (Looking at them in the rearview mirror) So cute – you two doing all right back there?

Cactus: <They always feel the need to insert themselves into the narrative, don’t they.> 

Story 444: Plant Power

 (At a walk-in clinic in a mountain town, Tourist waits in an exam room)

Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-sorry-for-the-wait-how-can-I-help-you?

Tourist: Oh, the wait doesn’t bother me anymore, it’s the same everywhere and I’m sure it’s 10 times worse here what with the constant influx of tourists like me pretty much all year long –

Doctor: Yes-yes-yes-what-seems-to-be-the-problem?

Tourist: Oh, yeah, that: I don’t feel so good.

Doctor: Yes-yes-yes?

Tourist: Well, I flew in from the Eastern seaboard yesterday and went hiking today, but ever since I woke up this morning I’ve been feeling nauseous and out of breath and headachey and an all-around hot mess and I’m in perfect shape, Doc!

Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Yes-yes-yes-you-have-altitude-sickness-from-the-elevation-change-easy-fix.

Tourist: But I was fine on the plane and that goes all the way up into space!

Doctor: (Briefly pauses typing to give Tourist a withering look, then resumes) The-plane-has-constant-forced-air-to-maintain-cabin-pressure-and-you’re-in-it-for-a-relatively-short-time-here-the-air’s-thinner-all-the-time-and-your-body-is-having-trouble-adjusting-to-the-lower-oxygen-level-so-you’re-experiencing-hypoxia-

Tourist: Oh no!  I’m dying, I knew it!

Doctor: (Continues typing) We’re-all-dying- (Tourist double-takes) your-blood-just-needs-more-oxygen-so-either-get-to-a-lower-altitude-now-or-get-lots-of-rest-drink-lots-of-water-pick-up-a-bottle-of-chlorophyll-at-the-supermarket-take-it-easy-for-a-few-days-and-you’ll-be-fine-otherwise-call-911-if-the-symptoms-get-worse-here-you-go- (Takes a piece of paper that a nearby printer issues and hands it to Tourist) any-questions?

Tourist: (Stares at the page) Yeah – does this have all you said just now?

Doctor: Nope-it’s-the-bill-bring-it-up-front-to-pay-feel-better-bye.  (Quickly exits)

Tourist: (Continues staring at the list of charges, then looks up) Did I hear “chlorophyll” in there?

(In a hotel room)

Tourist: (Stares at self in the mirror over the bathroom sink) OK, you can do this – it’s right there on the shelf with all the other vitamins and fish oil and whatevers, bold as brass, so clearly there haven’t been massive disasters associated with ingesting these.  (Opens a bottle labelled “Chlorophyll,” dumps out a bunch of pills into one hand, stares at them for a few moments, and grimaces) Here we go.  (Pops them into mouth and downs a huge bottle of water, smacking lips) Ahhh.  Now all that’s to be done is sleep it off, I guess.  (Leaves the bathroom and flops onto the bed) This’d better work, is all I gotta say: I am not wasting the rest of this trip “taking it easy.”

(The next day a group of hikers, each wearing a large backpack of supplies, gathers near a bus outside the hotel)

Tour Guide: Good morning!  Everyone here for the – (Checks clipboard) “Walk Up a Mountain So I Can Say That I Climbed It” Tour?

Tour Group Members: Oh yeah!

Tour Guide: Great!  You all can get on the bus and I’ll check you in before we depart.  (As the Tour Group Members board the bus, Tour Guide notices Tourist a bit apart from the group, and hesitatingly approaches) Hi!  Everything all right?

Tourist: (Has been standing in the bright sunlight with arms spread wide and face turned up to the sky, beaming) I have never felt better in my entire life.

Tour Guide: Great!  (Tourist has not moved) …We’re all boarding the bus now.

Tourist: (Immediately lowers arms and runs to the bus) Got it.

(At the trailhead, the Tour Group Members have disembarked and follow Tour Guide)

Tour Guide: Now, remember to keep drinking your water all throughout our hike; walk only where I do; and let me know immediately if you need to stop and rest – hey!

Tourist: Hm?  (Stops and turns back to face the group 50 yards behind on the trail)

Tour Guide: What did I just say?!

Tourist: (Absently scratches hands) Ummm… drink water?

Tour Guide: And stay with the group!

Tourist: Got it.  (Jogs back to the group)

Tour Gide: (To the rest) All right, let’s go!

(They begin their ascent on the walking trail)

Group Member 1: (To Tourist) You might want to slow down there, sport – it’s easy to get altitude sickness real fast up here if you’re not careful.

Group Member 2: (Pops in) Oh yes, remember that trip two years ago when you –

Group Member 1: Yes, thank you dear, it can be assumed that I speak from experience.

Tourist: (Had dumped a bunch of pills into one hand and dry-swallowed them; now walks with closed eyes, smiling at the sun again) Oh, I’m way beyond that now….

Group Member 1: (Mutters to Group Member 2) There’s always at least one weirdo on these excursions.

Group Member 2: Indeed.  Ever wonder if it’s us?

Group Member 1: (Opens mouth to respond, then closes it to think this over)

(An hour into the hike, the group stops to rest at a lookout point)

Tour Guide: Please take advantage of this time to see the beautiful valley below us….

Group Members: Ooohhh….  (Cameras and phones are whipped out)

Tour Guide: The fountain installed to refill your water bottles….

Group Members: Ooohhh…. (Several trot over to the fountain to refill)

Tour Guide: And the gorgeous weather we’ve been blessed with today.

Group Members and Tour Guide: (Turn up to face the sun) Aaahhh….

(As the Group Members continue to wander the lookout point, Tour Guide notices Tourist sitting with crossed legs and palms turned up)

Tour Guide: So!  How’re we feeling – refreshed?

Tourist: (Eyes closed) Refreshed – renewed – reincarnated…. (Briefly takes off cap to scratch scalp)

Tour Guide: Eh?  I mean, wonderful – awwww!  (Spots a deer approaching) Everyone, it looks like we have a visitor!  Be very still, please.

(The Group Members basically keep still, a few taking photos as the deer approaches Tourist)

Tourist: (Opens eyes) Hey there.  (The deer sniffs Tourist’s upraised palms and then tries to knock off the cap to sniff hair) Should I worry about rabies?

Tour Guide: (In a low voice) No, just ticks – try to back away slowly.

Tourist: (Slowly stands and walks backward; the deer stares after the former forlornly) Sorry pal, don’t got any food that’s good for you.

Deer: <You sure about that?>  (Tourist goggles, jaw agape)

Tour Guide: OK everybody, let’s get back to our hike!  (Waves at Deer) Bye-bye, deer!

Group Members: (As they continue on the trail) Bye, deer!

Deer: <Yeah, keep moving, parasites.>  (To Tourist, still standing in shock) <Well?  If you’re not going to help a hungry fellow creature, then shove off with the rest of your polluting relatives.>

Tourist: Actually, I’m not related to any of –

Deer: <You the same species?  Then you’re related, so SHOVE OFF!>  (Tourist runs to catch up with the others)  <I’ll never get over how they’re still the dominant species – boggles the mind.>

(An hour later, the group stops again)

Tour Guide: Take a good look here, folks, `cause this is the point where we turn around and go back.

Group Members: (Disappointed) Awww….

Tour Guide: Five-minute break!

Tourist: (Now scratching hands and head constantly, walks over to Tour Guide) Excuse me, is there any poison ivy around here?

Tour Guide: Not at this altitude, why?

Tourist: (Scratching intensifies) I must’ve picked up something – I’ve been itching for hours now.

Tour Guide: (With dread) It wasn’t the deer, was it?

Tourist: Nah, it started way before the deer – (Scratches palms even harder and winces) Owww – (Green leaves suddenly burst from each hand) AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Tour Guide: Aaaahhhhh!!!!  (Rips off Tourist’s cap to reveal a pretty flower springing up from the top of the latter’s head) Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Group Members: (All turn simultaneously to see what the commotion is about) Aaaahhhhh!!!!

Tourist: (Eyes roll up trying to look at scalp) What?!

Tour Guide: (In a choked voice) Nothing.

Tourist: (Holds out hands to Tour Guide, who backs away) What is this?!  Is this altitude sickness?!  I thought I was cured!

Group Member 1: (Calmly strolling over with Group Member 2) Ah, you take too much chlorophyll?

Tourist: (Spins to face them) How’d you know what I was taking?!

Group Member 1: (Pointedly looks at the other’s hands and head) It’s pretty obvious.

Tourist: (Reaches above head and feels the flower) Oooooh, this is so creepy, get it off, get it off, get it off!  (Tries to pull it out) Owwwww!!!

Group Member 1: Best to let it wither up with lack of water and sun; it’ll drop right off.  Assuming you stop taking the pills, that is.

Group Member 2: Oh yes – (To Group Member 2) remember that trip 10 years ago when you –

Group Member 1: Yes dear, once again it can be assumed that I speak from experience.  (To Tourist) If you’d rather, I can try to find that deer to take care of this for you in the meantime.

Tourist: (Crying, slumps to the ground, staring at hands in horror as the flower twitches from the movement) I just wanted to feel well enough to hike a mountain…. (To the Group Members) Is this my monster origin story?!

Tour Guide: (Disconnects from a phone call) OK, here’s the deal: we can’t helicopter you off of here, so do you think you can make it back down to the trailhead where an ambulance can take you to the hospital?

Tourist: (Sniffles, uses the hand leaves to wipe away tears, and nods) Uh-huh: nothing’s sprouted on my feet yet.

Group Member 3: What about your face?  That begonia or whatever made it through using just the tiny holes in your cap, and your whole face’s been exposed for hours!

Tourist: (Gasps) You’re right!  (Feels in panic around face) They’re bumps everywhere!

Group Member 1: That’s just acne.

Tourist: Oh, right.  Guess we can go now.  (Shakily stands, with assistance from Tour Guide)

Group Member 4: (Comes forward with a camera) Would you mind if I take your picture, as a freaky memento?

Tourist: Sure.  At least somebody’ll have a good memory of this trip.

(At a hospital, Tourist lies on a bed in a private room while wearing bandages on hands and head)

Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-how-are-you-feeling?

Tourist: Oh my gosh, you work here too?!

Doctor: Doctors-are-in-short-supply-in-this-part-of-the-country-so-how-are-you-feeling-please?

Tourist: (Sighs) Better.  Horrified, but better.

Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Good-good-good-any-of-the-previous-symptoms-back?

Tourist: Nope, those seem to be taken care of as well.

Doctor: Good-good-good-you-can-be-discharged-today-with-follow-up-wound-care-bye.  (Starts to exit quickly)

Tourist: Hey, Doc!  (Doctor quickly turns around and returns to the bedside) Not for nothing, but a heads-up on the dosage amount for the chlorophyll would’ve helped!

Doctor: (Gives a withering look, then leans in a bit) You.  Should.  ALWAYS.  Read.  The.  Label.  Before.  You.  Take.  Something.  New.

Tourist: …Good point.