Story 447: Our Only Eyewitness Is Just The Worst

(On a city street, crime scene tape encloses a block of chaos-aftermath; forensic technicians do their thing gathering evidence; and a lone ambulance is parked near a corner, non-emergently waiting.  An EMT sits with an uninjured Eyewitness on a curb and offers a blanket and water, both of which are declined with a slight shake of the head and a thousand-yard stare into space.  They still are sitting there when Detective arrives on the scene)

Detective: (Walks over to Sergeant, who has been taking notes) Well, this is a right mess.

Sergeant: I’ll say: it’ll take ages for the shopkeepers to get all their stuff back together, repaired, and/or replaced, and all that produce – (Gestures to fruit and vegetables strewn all over the street, clearly originating from several outside stands) is shot to Hades.

Detective: (<Tsks> at the ruined food) Disgusting.  Didn’t the alleged perp ever get taught there are starving people in… everywhere?

Sergeant: I don’t think that knowledge was foremost on the mind at the time of the event, Detective.

Detective: Yeah, suppose not.  (Sees Eyewitness, now gnawing on fingernails, and nods in that direction) That the eyewitness you mentioned?  The only one who was here to see anything at all?

Sergeant: (Flips back through the notebook) Yeah, uh, let’s see – (Holds it out for Detective to read) here’s what I could get so far; figured I’d leave the main questions to you.

Detective: (Scans through the notes) Huh.  Pretty boring background.  And you ran a check for any priors?

Sergeant: Zilch on that – pretty boring life, too.

Detective: Not even jaywalking, or a parking ticket?

Sergeant: Not even a driver’s license.  Barely found an entry confirming existence at all.

Detective: Whelp, it’ll be a nice change to interview a non-entity; as you were, then.

Sergeant: (Resumes note-taking as Detective walks to Eyewitness and EMT; the former bites nails harder as the latter stands)

Detective: (Takes out badge to show them both, then addresses EMT while putting it back) You can take a break.

EMT: Oh that’s OK, we don’t break during a call.

Detective: (Gives EMT a withering look) I’m trying to tell you in a nice way to go somewhere else for 10 minutes.

EMT: Gotcha.  (Pats Eyewitness on the shoulder and hops into the ambulance to do some paperwork)

Detective: (Turns back to Eyewitness and gives a tight smile) So!  I’m told you’re the only other one who was here and saw everything that happened.

Eyewitness: (Momentarily stops gnawing) …I’m the only other one who was here, yes.

Detective: Uh-huh – mind if I sit down?  (Gestures to the curb space next to Eyewitness)

Eyewitness: Yes?  I mean, no?  Or should I actually be standing?  I don’t know how these things work.

Detective: (Chuckles and sits on the dirty curb) It’s OK; if you were a suspect, we’d be having this conversation at the station, which we may anyway if we have more questions later.  (Eyewitness’s eyes widen) So, let’s just go back through your day that led you here, and take it from there.

Eyewitness: (Finally stops biting nails) OK, sure, I can do that!  Well, I woke up this morning, completely exhausted because I’d had all these vivid dreams, which I normally have but these were worse for some reason, maybe it was all that pizza I had last night, but in these I was in a movie theater and someone sitting right in front of me was blocking my view even though the rest of the seats were all empty, why do people always sit right by you when there are plenty of other places they can go –

Detective: You can skip all that.

Eyewitness: Oh, right.  So, I woke up, but I lay there for a few minutes listening to the radio because I wasn’t ready to get up –

Detective: Skip that too, please – focus on what led you to this block today, at this time.

Eyewitness: Oh.  Well, I was walking.

Detective: …And?

Eyewitness: Thinking.

Detective: (Lightly grinds teeth) Did you see, or hear, or otherwise sense anything unusual before the alleged perpetrator did all – (Waves arms around to indicate the mess) this?

Eyewitness: No.

Detective: OK, so what was the first thing you saw when the event began?

Eyewitness: (Points around the block) This.

Detective: (Takes a deep breath) I mean, what did you see when the alleged perp allegedly began smashing windows and ruining perfectly good produce?!

Eyewitness: Oh.  Nothing.

Detective: What?!

Eyewitness: The street was surprisingly empty.

Detective: Yeah, that’s another thing: this whole block was evacuated not even an hour earlier because somebody called in a gas leak – we’re thinking it’s the alleged perp so the destruction could commence unimpeded – yet you were here when the smashing and such happened?

Eyewitness: Yep.

Detective: But the block was blocked off!

Eyewitness: It was?

Detective:  Yes!  (Points to both ends of the street) Those roadblocks were already here before anything actually happened!

Eyewitness: (Looks at both ends) Huh.  Must have missed them.

Detective: And the cops also blocking the block?!

Eyewitness: Must have missed them, too.

Detective: All right, all right: you’re walking along your merry way, not a care in the world –

Eyewitness: Actually there’s this one project at work that’s been bothering me a lot lately –

Detective: Not a care in the world, and then you suddenly see someone swinging a bat or you suddenly hear the sound of crashing windows, yes?

Eyewitness: Uh, no.

Detective: Whaddya mean, “No”?!  Street cameras showed you were right here the whole time this was happening!

Eyewitness: (Winces) Yeah, I was thinking over what my boss had said to me about my job being on the line if I don’t do this project right, and when I went to cross at the corner up there people on the avenue were pointing and yelling at the street behind me, and that’s when I saw – (Gestures at the mess) this.

Detective: (Stares at Eyewitness) So you’re telling me, you walked through an entire scene of wanton destruction as it was occurring in real time, and you didn’t even notice?!

Eyewitness: I guess, if that’s what the cameras showed.  I don’t notice a lot in life, to be honest.

Detective: (Rubs temples) Unbelievable.  Our only eyewitness for our only suspect, and you can’t even attest to anything actually having happened, let alone give a positive ID.

Eyewitness: What about the cameras, can’t you just use them?

Detective: You ever see the audiovisual quality from one of those things?!  Rubbish!  Although at this point, I’m half-wishing we had ones smart enough to replace distracted humans like you!

Eyewitness: True – at least until someone reprograms them to be evil or they gain sentience and rightfully wipe us all out for our hubris.

Detective: Absolutely useless – you can go.  (Dismissively waves the latter off)

Eyewitness: (Jumps up off the curb) Great!  For a few minutes there I thought my life as I knew it was over!  See ya.  (Starts to walk away; a dog who had been sitting patiently nearby walks over to Eyewitness, rubs against a leg, and softly whines) Huh?  (Sees the dog and bends down to rub their ears) Hey, little buddy, have you been sitting there this whole time?  (Takes a leash out of a coat pocket, attaches it to the dog’s harness, and both trot off) Knew I was forgetting something when I left this morning.

Detective: (Staring after the two figures as they turn the corner) Un.  Freaking.  Believable.

Story 445: Sidewalks Are for Losers: Public Service Announcement

 (Scene of a residential suburban street: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic)

Announcer: (Voiceover) Has this ever happened to you?

(A car turns the corner, stops suddenly behind Pedestrian 1, and blares the horn until the latter skitters onto the sidewalk)

Announcer: (V.O.) You’re walking along, minding your own business, when some car forces you off the very road you have just as much right to be on as they do?  (Pedestrian 1 and Driver shake fists at each other)

(Scene cuts to a strip mall parking lot: Pedestrian 2 walks across parking spots parallel to a sidewalk that would have led to the same destination; cars screech to a stop in the lanes or while backing out of spaces; drivers yell unintelligible abuse out of their windows)

Announcer: (V.O.) How much harassment must be endured before we say, “Enough is enough”?

(Scene cuts to a busy highway: Announcer is standing on a grassy median in the middle of the two-way traffic; horns occasionally blare as the cars zoom by) As a pedestrian, you know that you have the right of way.  But did you know that you have the right of way any time, any place, any situation?  So few of us seem to be aware that we can walk absolutely wherever we want, whenever we want; Big Automotive, however, takes any chance it can get to force us off of what it considers to be “its” roads.  Excuse me, but who built those roads?  Pedestrians!  What came before the wheel?  Feet!  (Starts walking across lanes of traffic while still addressing the camera; cars slam to a stop and nearly crash into each other, horns and voices now screaming) So, I’m asking you to join me today, fellow pedestrians, to literally take back our streets!  (Trots the last few feet to the other side of the highway, narrowly missing a front fender)

(Scene cuts to a residential development: a line of cars slowly crawls as Pedestrians 3 and 4 stroll down the middle of the street)

Announcer: (V.O.) Don’t let these bully cars herd us onto so-called “safe” walkways just so we can be out of their way!  We’re not cattle!  (Pedestrians 3 and 4 stop walking and begin to chat animatedly with each other, still in the middle of the street; the cars turn off their engines)

(Scene cuts to a metropolitan city street: bumper-to-bumper traffic barely moves as pedestrians walk all over six car lanes and two bike lanes)

Announcer: (V.O.) Cities are made for human beings, not buses and taxis!  They should get out of our way!

(Scene cuts to the same residential suburban street shown at the beginning: Pedestrian 1 is walking down the right side of the road in the direction of traffic when a car turns the corner and stops suddenly behind the former; this time, Pedestrian 1 stares down the car until the latter reverses onto the previous street and waits as Pedestrian 1 now skips diagonally back and forth across the road)

            (Scene cuts to an airport: Announcer stands smack dab in the middle of the runway as planes take off and land overhead)

Announcer: So, stand up for yourselves!  Walk where you please!  Step aside and wait for no machine!  This is a pedestrian’s world – automobiles are just living in it!  And always remember: sidewalks are for losers!  Never yield!  Never – (Suddenly holds a hand up to an earpiece and listens) Yeah, we’re almost wrapped, what’s up?... What do you mean, the title actually was “Sidewalks Are Not for Losers”?!... Well, that would’ve been nice to know before I wrote and filmed the whole thing, now wouldn’t it?!