Story 442: Hair in the Eye of the Beholder

 (In Friend 1’s apartment, an alarm radio goes off in the morning)

Radio DJ: – enough of you ungrateful listeners: I come in here at 6 a.m. every weekday on two hours’ sleep and have to scream like a maniac for nearly four hours straight; and my day doesn’t end at 10 a.m., oh no, I’ve still got hours of show planning and ad recordings and all those extra events the station hosts, and all of you at home in your cozy PJs and hot coffee and burnt toast have the nerve to call me lazy?!  You have no idea, no idea –

Friend 1: (Had opened one eye while listening, then slams a hand on the radio button to turn it off) Finally lost it, eh?  About time.

(Slowly goes through morning ablutions, eats a minimal breakfast, then double-takes while passing a mirror on the way out the door)

Friend 1: (Peers closer, tugging on a long lock of hair) Ew, gettin’ a little shaggy and gross there, my friend.  Guess I’ll have to schedule a haircut soon.  (Thinks about everything involved in that ordeal) Ughhhh….  (Leaves for work)

(At an office, Friend 1 walks with Coworker to a conference room)

Friend 1: I can’t take much more of these consultant meetings – I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m interviewing for my own job.

Coworker: I think we are, actually.

Friend 1: Oh.  Well that’s a bummer.

Coworker: Yeah, that’s why I’ve been dressing a little more business and a little less casual lately – (Stops to straighten suit jacket) Do I look all right?

Friend 1: (Also stops and does a quick appraisal) Yes, you look very professional and job-worthy.  How about me?

Coworker: You look fine.

Friend 1: Doesn’t sound as promising, but thanks.

Coworker: You know, not to get too personal but I love what you’ve done with your hair.

Friend 1: Heh?

Coworker: Did you get it done recently, or do you use a certain product?  It looks fantastic.

Friend 1: …Is this some sort of twisted joke to lighten the ominous mood around here?

Coworker: Not at all – it must’ve taken you hours to get that careless tousled look.  I wish my hair could do that; all I’ve got are tight-ringed curls that always look the same, what a nightmare.

Friend 1: …. (Blinks) …Seriously?!

Coworker: Yes!  What’s the matter?

Friend 1: I haven’t washed my hair in over three days!  Brushing does nothing lately!  It needs to be mowed, by a chainsaw!  What on Earth are you going on about?!

Coworker: Oh.  Guess it’s hideous, then.  (Resumes walking to the meeting)

Friend 1: That one’s having a laugh.  (Sees a reflective surface and runs a hand through the mess) Eurgh, it’s feeling greasier by the second.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are in Hour 2 on an advanced trail)

Friend 2: I feel like I could do these trails all day, but if I ever had to do any real hiking, up a mountain or something, I have a sneaking suspicion I wouldn’t make it past the first mile.

Friend 1: Yeah, it’s always best to avoid situations that’d expose our inadequacy.  (Takes off a cap briefly to scratch head)

Friend 2: (Looking over) Oh, wow.

Friend 1: What, it’s not another tick, is it?!

Friend 2: No, nothing like that, it’s just – your hair looks amazing right now, I can’t believe it.

Friend 1: (Stops and stares at Friend 2, who also stops) I thought we’d agreed never to lie to each other.

Friend 2: (Laughs) I’m not, Paranoia: I’d figure with the hat and the sweat it’d be a bit messy, but I think all that’s actually working to make it look nice.  You know, that wavy, windswept, studied indifference look.  Wish I could get mine to do that – right now it’s all stringy and blah.

Friend 1: I don’t get it.

Friend 2: Well, we’ve been walking a long time and I’d rather not take my hat off to show you but –

Friend 1: Not yours, mine!  You’re the second person to say it looks great when I know it’s a disaster!

Friend 2: Doesn’t look like a disaster, though.

Friend 1: How can you say that?!  I haven’t washed it in four days; it hasn’t been styled or even trimmed in over six months; the layers are all grown out and in my eyes; its default mode is oil slick; it looks like garbage and IT FEELS LIKE TRASH!

Friend 2: (Shrugs and continues walking) The combination of all that must be perfect, then.  Although you probably want to wash it more often just for personal hygiene, though.

Friend 1: I’ve been busy!

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (At a hair salon)

Friend 1: (Is led to the hair washing station by a trainee, leans back in the seat, and closes eyes) Ahhhhh, this’ll be a relief, let me tell you.

Trainee: (Laughs obligingly while preparing the shampoo) We aim to please – oh, wow.

Friend 1: (Opens one eye) What?

Trainee: I have to say, your hair looks a-maz-ing like that – you sure you want us to do anything to it?

Friend 1: (Opens other eye) What?!

Trainee: (To Hairdresser passing by) Hey – here’s your 5:30; have you ever seen such locks?

Hairdresser: (Walks over to the other two to look) You know, we’re not supposed to comment on the clients’ appearance – oh, wow.

Trainee: I know, right?!

Hairdresser: Those waves, those layers – (To Friend 1) I have to ask: what’s your secret?

Friend 1: Dirt.

Hairdresser: Hm?

Friend 1: I haven’t washed it in days `cause I was coming here!  To have it washed right now, as a matter of fact!

Hairdresser: Oh.  But those waves….

Friend 1: Untouched by a professional for half a year: what you see before you is the result of extreme negligence and the ravages of time!

Hairdresser: (Pulls out a cell phone) Mind if I take a picture in case other clients want to duplicate this… fantastic look?

Friend 1: (Closes eyes again) Go right ahead.

 THE NEXT DAY

(At a movie theater lobby, Friend 2 sees Friend 1 enter, wearing a hat)

Friend 2: So?  Did you get your hair all fixed to your satisfaction?

Friend 1: I did indeed.  (Whips off the hat to show a short, sharp haircut) It feels wonderful and so freeing – what do you think?

Friend 2: …I think it makes you happy.

Friend 1: That’s a non-answer; you don’t have to love it, but isn’t it at least an improvement over the landfill that was perched on my head before?

Friend 2: Honestly?

Friend 1: Preferably.

Friend 2: I liked it better the way it was before.

Friend 1: Un-freaking-believable.

Story 273: Wait, You Don’t Want to Hear My Life Story?!

            Hairdresser: So, what’ll it be today?

            Client: I was thinking a few inches, you know, up to here.

            Hairdresser: The usual, then.  (Starts snipping away) So, how’re the kids?

           Client: Oh, they’re great – the oldest made the basketball team this year, and – (Goes on for 20 minutes) Anyway, after all that happened, I’m seriously considering sending that one to military school.

            Hairdresser: Uh-huh.

            Client: Yeah.  Speaking of –

            Hairdresser: All done!  (Flourishes cape off Client)

            Client: Oh.  Thanks.  Looks good.  (Stands and hands over a tip)

            Hairdresser: Thank you, have a great day, come back soon, byyyyyyeeeee!  (Moves on to the next client at the washing station)

            Client: (On the way to the cash register) I didn’t get to finish my story….

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            Dentist: I see you just need a cleaning today?

          Patient: (All set up in the chair and wearing the bib) Well, maybe.  You see, Doc, my gums have been a bit inflamed lately – you think it might be the gingivitis we’ve always feared?

           Dentist: We’ll find out!  Open up.  (Patient opens mouth as Dentist explores with mirror and scraper) Oh yeah, you’ve got quite a few things going on: we’ll be here awhile.  (Unravels array of implements on a tray)

            Patient: [Gurgle]

         Dentist: (Props open Patient’s mouth, inserts the saliva ejector, and goes to work) So, everything going well with you since your last visit?

            Patient: Wauh, ah –

            Dentist: Ooh, that’s a nice little cavity we’ve got here!

            Patient: Aughua?!

           Dentist: Heh-heh, save that one for later – let’s see what else we can find first.  So, how’ve you been doing with the snow this week?

            Patient: Ehoua –

Dentist: (Begins drilling) Yeah, every day I had to clean off my car and shovel out the entire driveway – by myself, mind you – and then it took me forever just to get here what with the way the streets are plowed – do they even sand the roads anymore?  (Thirty minutes later) I mean what are we paying taxes for, am-I-right?

Patient: Umf-uh.

Dentist: (Turns off tools) Well, all done, good as new, don’t eat anything for at least an hour, see you in six months!  (Raises chair, removes equipment and bib, and dashes to the next patient, as the rest of the day now is just so far behind)

Patient: (Sits in the chair for a few moments, holding tender jaw) They sand by me.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

Cashier: Hello, did you find everything you needed today?  (Begins scanning items)

Customer: No, but too late now: I’m not going back out there.

Cashier: Heh-heh.  (Scans faster)

Customer: I mean, no matter where I go, there’re like a billion people everywhere, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean, where did all these people come from, you know?

Cashier: …From other people?

Customer: HA!  Good one.  I mean, I just feel like I spend my entire life waiting on line, and all I want is new clothes and shoes every day.  Life just isn’t fair, right?

Cashier: Yeah.  (Begins bagging while scanning)

Customer: I mean, I’m a good person, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I don’t deserve to be stuck in traffic all the time on my way to the mall, or to be written up at work for being “disruptive,” whatever that means, just because I regularly make a few personal phone calls in the office, or to have my so-called friends stab me in the back just because I was being honest and told them that they’re horrible demons, right?

Cashier: Yeah.

Customer: I mean –

Cashier: Sorry, do you have a rewards card with us?

Customer: Oh.  Yeah, here.  (Hands over card)

Cashier: (After swiping) That’ll be $600.23.

Customer: (Hands over credit card) These prices, I tell you, everything’s gotten so expensive you can’t even treat yourself to a little somethin’-somethin’ anymore –

Cashier: (Hands cards and 20 bags of merchandise over to the Customer) Thank you, have a good night, next!

Customer: (Expertly carries bags and leaves the store) And I didn’t even get started on my views of the tax system.