Story 502: Shore Excursion Mishaps

 DAY 5

 (In the middle of a lake, Friend 1 and Friend 2 along with 10 other tourists sit in a giant raft while holding small paddles and wearing giant life jackets, giant rubber pants, and giant rubber boots.  The tour guide seated at the rear rows mightily, speaking between each long row)

Tour Guide: Now, you all remember how I told you to hang on or scooch over to one side when I yell at you to do so while we’re in the rapids, yes?  (They all nod and/or say “Yes”) Good, because this raft has never flipped over once and no one has ever fallen out in the five years I’ve been doing this, and you are not ruining my perfect record, m’kay?  (They all nod and say “Yes” again) Great.  Now, you see that you all have paddles in your hands and most of your fellows in the other rafts don’t for a very good reason: most of the other rafts have only 10 guests, whereas I drew the short straw today and got the 12-seater, which pushes past the tipping point of any of our superhuman rowing capabilities.  In short: there’s one of me, 12 of you, combined with raft and equipment to make thousands of pounds; do the math.

Tourist 1: OK: if each of us weighs between –

Tour Guide: Bottom line is, you all are gonna have to pitch in with paddling at some points on this adventure, or else it’ll all be over real fast, you get me?  (Eleven people nod; Friend 1 raises a hand) And no, there are no discounts for having to work on this trip – it was clearly stated in the fine print!

Friend 1: (Lowers hand and mutters) Drat.

Friend 2: (Looks away from Friend 1 and also mutters) So embarrassing.

Tourist 2: (Raises a hand) I actually have a prosthetic hand that I’m still getting used to, so I’m not sure if I can help much with this.

Tour Guide: You’re excused; enjoy the ride.

Tourist 2: Wow.  An actual perk.  (Sets down the paddle and slightly relaxes)

Tour Guide: So!  (Starts rowing the raft in circles) If everyone remembers what to do exactly when I need you to do it, you should all have a GREAT TIME, DO YOU HEAR ME?!!  Ooh look, a bear.  (Everyone turns to the shoreline and sees a grizzly bear standing on hind legs and waving a front paw at them) That’s new – they usually never come out like this.

Tourist 3: Oh dear; can they swim?

Tour Guide: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  (Starts rowing in one direction again, heading for the river as Tourist 3 turns back to the bear with a terrified expression) Now, if you look over at those mountains there, you can see the glacier that feeds the lake and river.

Tourists and Friends: Oooooooooooooh….

Tour Guide: It’s melting 2 inches a day, so it’ll be gone by next year.

Tourists and Friends: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Tour Guide: Yeah; take your pictures now, I guess.  (Phones are taken out of waterproof bags for sad snapshots) All right, that’s enough – we’re coming up to the rapids so get your paddles ready!

Friend 2: (To Friend 1 as they all put back their phones and get their paddles ready) This is exciting!

Friend 1: Not really: I fully intended to be a passive passenger on this extravaganza, so I will assume zero responsibility if this vessel capsizes.

(The raft starts bobbing up and down rapidly as the rapid rapids do their thing)

Tourists and Friends: Whee!

Tour Guide: (Rowing and steering wildly) None of that – start paddling on the left!  (To the ones on the right who also started paddling) Knock it off!  (Some on the left stop) Not you – (To the ones on the right) you!

Tourist 4: I’m so confused!

Friend 1: (Turns around to face Tour Guide) Yeah, maybe don’t have tourists be your only crew on these things!

Tour Guide: It’s in the fine print!

Friend 1: (Waves the paddle) It clearly diminishes the experience!

Tour Guide: (Leans back while looking ahead) Brace yourselves, everyone – waterfall!

Friend 1: (Turns forward while speaking) Water–WHAAAAAAA – ???!!!  (The rest is drowned out by the waterfall)

(On reaching the slightly calmer waters at the bottom, everyone in the raft is drenched)

Tour Guide: Now – (Shakes head rapidly back and forth to dislodge the excess water) Wasn’t that fun?

Tourists: (Mumbling) Yeah, sure, it was all right….

Tourist 5: I’m wet!

Tourist 6: I have no idea how you’ve made it this long in the world.

Friend 2: (Looks around frantically) Um, we lost somebody.  (Leans over the now-empty space on the bench and searches out over the water) We lost somebody!

Tour Guide: (Mutters) Cripes.  (Louder) Is there anyone in the water when they should be in the raft?  (Sees a head pop up) Gotcha!  (Steers the raft over and leans out to pull up a figure in the water by the life jacket)

Friend 2: You’re not ours!

Not-Ours Tourist: Oh, hey, I got swept overboard when we were skirting around the whirlpool and got sucked back here – since you have an empty spot, can I hitch a lift?  It’s pretty chilly in here.

Tour Guide: Absolutely not!  Still gotta find mine!

(Another raft paddles over)

Tour Guide 2: Hi!  That one’s ours; could you shove `em over here, please?

Tour Guide: Sure.  (Shoves Not-Ours Tourist over to the other raft where the latter is hauled up by the tourists in that vessel)

Tour Guide 2: Thanks – we were doing great until we hit Charybdis, so I headed back a bit to pick up this one and regroup.  (Peers at Tour Guide’s raft) I see you lost one, too?

Tour Guide: Waterfall.

Tour Guide 2: Whelp, there goes our winning streak – two in one day, not good.  I’ll give a shout if I see yours, all right?

Tour Guide: Appreciate it.

Tourist 7: (Whispers to Tourist 8) I notice there are 12 in their group but they don’t have paddles.

Tourist 8: (Whispers back) Typical – we always get stuck with the working vacations.

Tour Guide: Is that mutiny I hear?!

Friend 2: Who cares?!  My friend is still overboard!

Tour Guide: Oh yeah – can they swim?

Friend 2: Barely!

Tour Guide: Hm.  Not the best excursion to be on then, is it?

Friend 2: Listen, you – !

Friend 1: (Standing on the edge of a bank and waving wildly) Howdy-ho!

Friend 2: (Waving wildly back) Oh thank goodness; I thought this was just about to turn into a tragedy.

Tourist Guide: Great, you look fine – just swim on over here!

Friend 1: (Stops waving abruptly) In a pig’s eye!  I’ve had enough frozen swimming in a non-swimming activity today, I-thank-you!

Tour Guide: (Rolls eyes and rows the raft over to the bank) Ugh, fine, I’ll bring us closer but you’ll have to wade out a little to climb in, all right?

Friend 1: I suppose that’ll have to do.  (Wades out and hops onto the bench next to Friend 2, who rubs the shivering Friend 1’s arms to warm them)

Friend 2: You OK?

Friend 1: (Teeth chattering) Shockingly, yes: there were about 20 boulders I missed on the way here, but a helpful seal guided me to shore.  Not sure why – it would’ve been the perfect opportunity for Nature Revenge.

Tour Guide: OK everybody, paddles at the ready, here comes the whirlpool!

Tourist 9: Isn’t that where the other group lost one of their own just now?

Tourist 10: Yes, who’s next?!

Friend 1: Not me, that’s for sure – I already did my time in the drink.

Tourist 10: Yes, it could happen again!

Friend 1: You volunteering?!

Tour Guide: Aaaaaaand – paddle for your lives!

Friend 1: (Looks around for lost paddle and mutters) I’m not paying for that.

(The rest paddle frantically as they circle the whirlpool)

Friend 2: Not to hit the panic button, but are we supposed to be going deeper?

Tour Guide: (Looks up at the small patch of sky as the raft descends farther into the vortex) Huh.  Never had that happen before.

Tourist 1: Is now a good time to freak out?!

Tour Guide: Sure, why not?

Tour Guide, Tourists, and Friends: (As they are flushed into the heart of the river) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….!!!!!

 10 MINUTES LATER

(The raft glides smoothly along the river toward a dock where another employee from the tour company calmly awaits their arrival)

Tour Guide: (Lazily rowing) Well!  If I’d known that whirlpool was also a warp zone to our final destination, I’d’ve taken it every time years ago.

Friend 2: We almost drowned!

Tourist 5: Yeah, I’m wet!

Tourist 6: (Shakes dripping head) Hopeless.

Friend 1: (Smiling serenely) Actually, that part was kind of fun – can we do it again?

Friend 2 and Tourists: NO!

Friend 2: Are you nuts?!

Friend 1: …I may have a bit of hypothermia right now.

Tour Guide: (Stops the raft at the dock; Tourists and Friends are helped out by the employee) Go grab blankets and turn in all your gear at the rest area, please – there also are hot drinks and some snacks since you all had such an AMAZING ADVENTURE TODAY!

Tourist 2: (Nearly falling out of the raft) Your tip will be a maximum of $2 from each of us, and that much only for the fact that you eventually got us back in one piece.

Tour Guide: Dang it.

Friend 1: (Helped by Friend 2 over to a bench, still shivering) Did you notice how many bald eagles were just casually hanging out along the river?

Friend 2: (Also shivering) Not especially!

Friend 1: Too bad: that was the best part.

 SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

Friend 1: (Lounging on the couch, wrapped up in multiple blankets; answers phone) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Sitting at a kitchen table on the other end) So, did you read the article I sent to you yet?

Friend 1: The one about a river flooding and destroying all those homes?  Sure, sounded awful, but why’d you send it to me?

Friend 2: Did you happen to notice where that happened?!

Friend 1: Yeah, it was in Alaska; so?

Friend 2: That was the river we were just on!

Friend 1: No it wasn’t.

Friend 2: Yes it was; it was the melting glacier we saw there that flooded everything and ruined all those lives!

Friend 1: No, that was a different melting glacier; the photos in the article looked nothing like the river we were on.  Plus the captions called it an entirely different name.

Friend 2: Oh.  You sure?

Friend 1: I am intimately acquainted with the geography of that river, so yes.  And this is for real the last time we’re ever talking about “The Incident”.

Friend 2: I can’t hear air quotes but I’m assuming that’s what you did.  So, even though it wasn’t the same river we were on, the whole disaster being caused by the unnaturally melting glacier really makes you think about our impact as tourists and as human beings on a whole, doesn’t it?  Even though what we did there was relatively passive.    

Friend 1: Speak for yourself: I swear I could hear that bear laughing at us the entire time.

Story 452: Living in a Tourist Town

A summer morning in a city that never sleeps: the constant traffic that had lessened a bit in the past few hours starts ramping it up from “steady” to “bumper-to-bumper”; stores that were closed only to reset after the business day have opened with the rising sun, lines of customers already circling around the block; the beaches have not a grain of sand uncovered by blankets and chairs; all the tours are in full-swing; and the birds sing the anxiety of the day.

A shift worker driving during through the city mid-morning stops over 50 times in a three-mile commute to avoid hitting cyclists swerving out of the bike lane and pedestrians crossing streets just everywhere.

Worker: (Stopped in the middle of the busy avenue as a whole group of babies cross against the light on their way to the beach) Let’s move to the shore – it’ll be sooooooo relaxing – you can avoid the main road during the summer – not if work is on the main road, now can I?!  (Leans out the driver’s side window) No, no trouble at all, I’ve got nowhere to be in a hurry, you enjoy the easy life you so richly deserve!

Tourist: (To self, while crossing the street) This is my one week off a year….

A refurbished trolley turns onto the avenue at half speed in front of Worker’s car.

Tour Guide 1: (Voice blasting through the trolley’s speakers) And coming up on our left is a house-turned-hostel considered to be the most haunted building in all of –

Worker: (Blares the car horn and leans out the window again) The original building burned down 15 years ago and the ghosts are just the defective central air ductwork!

Tour Guide 1: (Leans out the left front trolley window, still holding the microphone and speaking in a low, deadly voice) Shame on you.

Worker: (Blares the car horn longer) MOVE IT!!!

The trolley, filled with the sounds of children crying, eventually turns down a side street.  Thirty minutes later, Worker finds an opening in the traffic to make a hasty left turn into the seafood restaurant’s parking lot and snags the last spot in the back.

Worker: (Exits the car, stares at the calm exterior of the restaurant belying the chaos within, and then turns to the nearby dock where the day’s specials still are being hauled in) You know, I’ve really gotten to hate fish.

At a nearby park, several adults sit on benches watching their children in the playground.

Adult 1: I actually have a dentist’s appointment later today.

Adult 2: Really?  Your doctor stuck around for August?

Adult 1: Yeah, basically riding it out till retirement.  I can’t walk from my house and expect to get there before tomorrow though, so I gotta leave here in a few minutes if I want to make it on time.

Adult 2: What time’s the appointment?

Adult 1: 3:00.

Adult 2: (Checks watch and sees that it is almost 11 a.m.) Might just about make it.

A charter bus turns into the parking lot and the passengers disembark in groups of 10.

Tour Guide 2: (Speaking through a megaphone) And this little oasis of tranquility is one of the best-kept secrets of –

Adult 1: (Gasps in horror, then quickly gathers belongings as Adult 2 does the same) Playtime’s over, kids – they found the park!

The adults and children run screaming back to their cars and re-enter the collective traffic jam.

At a beach entrance, the badge checker seated in a chair fights the intense sunshine with an umbrella and the intense boredom with a book as a beachgoer approaches with minimal gear.

Beachgoer: Howdy!  (Shows a badge)

Badge Checker: (Stares at it closely) I don’t understand – this is a resident badge.

Beachgoer: Yes indeedy!  Moved here this past winter and been looking forward to finally going to the wonderful beach my taxes are paying for!  (Takes in the brief snippets of ocean between umbrellas and bodies, and sighs) This’ll be great!

Badge Checker: Well, have fun!

Beachgoer: Thanks – stay cool!  (Sets off at a brisk trot across the hot sand)

Badge Checker: (Watches as Beachgoer struggles to find a patch of sand to stake a claim) Poor naïve newb – you’ll learn.  (Sees a horde of badgeless bathers approaching) Ergh – no one for ages, then they all come at once.

In a school, students attending summer session work on their projects when a car full of post-adolescents drives by with loud music blaring.

Driver and Passengers: (All wearing swimsuits and leaning out the car windows to yell at the school) SUCKERS!!!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Student: (Raises hand) Teacher?  Must The Tourists always declare that as they pass our academic institution?

Teacher: Forgive them, children, for one day you too may be The Tourists yourselves.

Students: (In understanding) Ohhhh….

They resume their work as Teacher stares wistfully out the window.

Teacher: As I myself was, long, long ago….

That night, one of the 200 ice cream parlors in the city has a never-ending line as the college-student employees struggle to keep up.

Employee: (Mutters while walking from the cash register back to the front counter and seeing the formless crowd that awaits) We really need a ticket system like a supermarket deli counter – (Louder) Next?!

Customer: Ooh, me!  (Looks intensely at the cases holding the different ice cream flavors) Ummm, let me think….

Employee: You’ve been on line for at least 10 minutes and there are several signs listing the choices on the way in.

Customer: I know, but I need to see them for myself… ummm… OK, could I have the peanut butter chocolate, please?

Employee: (Stifles a scream) That’s the carton that’s empty.

Customer: Oh, sorry!  None in the back, then?

Employee: It wouldn’t have stayed there long.

Customer: Gotcha.  (Starts looking at the flavors again) Ummmm….

Employee: (Looks up at the front door and sees the line outside has tripled) The one with peanut butter cups is similar if you want something like that.

Customer: (Finds that in the case) Um, nah, I’d want more chocolate ice cream, this one’s vanilla.  Ummmm....

Employee: (Sees the line has quadrupled) Would you like a few more minutes and I’ll serve you after the next – ?

Customer: Oooh, I got it!  Plain chocolate, please.

Employee: …Cone or cup?

Customer: Ummmm… which do you recommend?

Employee: Neither: we’re not allowed to influence customers’ decisions.

Customer: Oh, ummmm, cup then, please.

Employee: Small, medium, or large?

Customer: Definitely large – go all out when you’re on vacation, am-I-right?

Employee: Yeah.  (Creates the order and rings it up at the register; Customer adds a tip to the jar before Employee hands over the cup) Thank you – enjoy.

Customer: (Starting on the ice cream) Oh I will.  It must be hard working here, surrounded by all this yummy, yummy ice cream, so tempting!

Employee: (Stares out at the quintupled line of customers crowding the front door) Not especially, no.

In a supermarket, a shopper arrives with a full cart at the front register.

Cashier: (While ringing up the items) Oh, hi!  I haven’t seen you in a while, but I only just got switched back to nights recently.

Shopper: That’s a bummer.

Cashier: It’s OK, I requested it – summer daytime hours were getting to be too much with all the you-know-whos all over the place here; it’s actually rather peaceful working late nights while they’re off seafood-dinnering and ice-cream-sundaeing and miniature-golfing and bar-hopping and after-hours-pool-trespassing and after-hours-beach-trespassing and – yeah.

Shopper: Don’t I know it; why do you think I always shop here after 9 at night?

Cashier: Smart.  Dodge the crowds and no waiting on lines, either.

Shopper: Darn tootin’.

As the full moon shines down on the gatherings for movies-on-the-beach, diner cruises, casual strollers, cyclists out for one last thrill, and overtired children vainly struggling against the dreaded bedtime, the shift worker drives home from the restaurant covered in food detritus.

Worker: (Crawling through stop-and-go traffic on the main avenue) When am I gonna find time to vacuum the house now that I’ve got a double-shift tomorrow?  When’s my vacation from this vacation town?  I think I’ll book a getaway to the Pine Barrens.  (Stops as the traffic light changes again, balefully watches the crowd continuously surging toward the beach promenade, then looks up and sees the moon shining brightly over the soothing ocean waves) Ahhhhh…. It’s a view like this that makes it all worth it.  (A party parade suddenly appears in the middle of the street, club music blares from everywhere, and revelers dance around the cars that are now at a standstill.  Worker’s eyes glaze over while taking in the scene) And then, something like this happens.

Story 451: Tourists in a Regular Ol’ Town

A summer morning in the literal embodiment of a sleepy town.  The lone supermarket has not opened yet; the daily newspapers are just now being delivered at a relaxed pace; two runners are briskly walking the sidewalks; office workers and store employees are leisurely opening up their businesses; and the birds are lazily chirping.  Traffic gradually increases as residents head for work, appointments, shopping, and camp.  As the cars and pedestrians take their time in the steadily rising heat, a huge charter bus suddenly appears on Main Street and stops at the only depot.

Curious passers-by slow down and stare as a large group disembarks – almost all the passengers immediately begin taking photos of the town, and all are wearing variations of the same type of shorts, T-shirts, caps, and sunglasses.

One passenger takes the lead, carrying a pennant and wearing a badge that reads “Tour Guide” as they all start walking down the sidewalk.

Tour Guide: And so, we have arrived in the quaint example of “Small Town America.”  Observe the present iteration of the settlement that had been erected over First Nations’ land – (Cameras flash) observe the small-in-scale local examples of entrepreneurship – (Cameras flash) observe the traffic signals (Cameras flash) observe the local street signs with their local flair – (Cameras flash) observe the local locals – (Cameras flash)

A pedestrian walking in the opposite direction attempts to go around the group.

Pedestrian: Excuse me.

Tour Guide: Aha, a local local – tell us, please, what are some of the highlights of this charming town that would be considered a “must-see” for any tourist?

Pedestrian: (Eyes the group) Wait, you’re tourists?  For this town?

Tour Guide: Yes indeedy!

Pedestrian: …Why?

Tour Guide: To experience the essence of what it means to live the authentic life of an everyday suburbanite, of course!

Pedestrian: Oh.  Well, there’s a fish fry coming up on Sunday –

Tour Guide: We’re here today only.

Pedestrian: Oh.  OK, well, the library’s right down the street –

Tour Guide: To the library!

The group charges forward, past Pedestrian.

Pedestrian: But I wasn’t done yet….

The group approaches the building, which clearly used to be a rich person’s mansion.

Tour Guide: (Reading a display outside the building) So, apparently this whole area was some business owner’s estate, which was then inevitably sold off piece-by-piece until the house alone was left, which was donated to the county by the family’s last heir and isn’t even the original building because it had to be rebuilt after centuries of water and insect damage.  It’s rumored that the ghost of the original owner roams the current library’s stacks, yelling at patrons to stop whispering.

The group heads inside the library, taking pictures of the historical décor and the modern computers, until Head Librarian approaches.

Head Librarian: Oh no, none of this. (Points to a sign by the front door that reads: “No tour groups taking voyeuristic photos and handling materials they cannot check out since they have no library card for this county are permitted in this building.”)

Tour Guide: You librarians sure thing of everything.

Head Librarian: An unfortunate part of the job.

Tour Guide: Understood.  (To the group) Onward!

The group heads back to Main Street and enters Town Hall.

Tour Guide: Ah yes, the nerve center of this town, where all the magic happens.

Receptionist: (In a booth) You folks have an appointment?  With… anyone?

Tour Guide: Nope – we’re just sightseeing!

Receptionist: Here?

Tour Guide: Yepperz!  Trying to catch all the highlights.  (Cameras flash)

Receptionist: No photos, please – if you don’t have any actual business here then you’re gonna have to leave, or the cops down the hall’ll arrest you for trespassing.

Tour Guide: (To the group) Another fascinating tidbit about small-town life: all actions must have purpose.  Onward!  (The group leaves)

Receptionist: (Returns to reading a novel) That’ll probably be the most excitement we’ll have all year.

The group continues down Main Street and stops at a diner.

Tour Guide: Right – who’s hungry?  (All hands are raised aloft) In we go!  (They enter and approach the front desk where an employee awaits) Hi!  Table for 30, please.

Employee: Umm, I can give you a bunch of booths and tables over in that corner.  (Points to an empty area of the diner)

Tour Guide: Splendid!  We are so looking forward to sampling local fare!   

Employee: (Grabbing 30 menus and leading the group to their sections as cameras flash) Well, it’s typical diner stuff you can get pretty much anywhere….

Tour Guide: But made by locals here!  I love it!

Employee: Sure.

They all have lunch and two hours later continue the tour to a nearby park.

Tour Guide: Ooh, it seems there’s a juvenile event going on right now!  Observe the makeshift baseball field – observe the runners, the jumpers, the shot-putters, the –

Camp Counselor: Move along, peeping strangers!

Tour Guide: Right-ho!  (They head to another area of the park where there are trails, benches, and picnic tables) Observe the quiet solitude of nature – (Cameras flash) observe the green grass, the towering trees, the clear sky – (Cameras flash) observe the sturdy paved trail – oh my, an actual squirrel!  (Cameras flash frantically)

Hiker: (Passing by on a trail) You like that, you should check out the ducks hanging out at the lake.                                         

Tour Guide: (Gasps) Actual ducks?!  Quickly, everyone!  (They all run to the lake and stare in wonder at the ducks on the water; Tour Guide speaks in a hushed voice as cameras flash reverently) Observe how they appear to be swimming so placidly, yet underneath the water’s surface their webbed feet are paddling madly.  If only we all could be like the duck.

Fisher: (Casting a line nearby) Could you all actually scootch down a ways, please?  You’re gonna scare the fish away.

Tour Guide: (Gasps) There’re fish here, too?!

Fisher: Sssshhhh!!!!

The group scootches down a ways and watches the fish in wonder.  Several hours later, the group arrives back at the depot and boards the bus as the sun is setting.

Tour Guide: (At the head of the bus aisle, near the driver) Well folks, I’m glad we got to see most of what we were aiming for today – the only thing we really missed was a tour of the local school, but that was to be expected since it’s not in session during the summer and they probably would’ve kicked us out anyway.  Now, you all have your souvenirs?  (The tour group members hold up various knick-knacks from the impulse-buy section at the supermarket and samples from that day’s newspaper) Great!  And so, our next stop on the itinerary is… (Checks a clipboard) the local roadside motel!

Tour Group Members: Woo-hoo!

The bus drives away as several residents watch.

Resident 1: They seemed nice.

Resident 2: Yeah, but kinda weird.  Who’d ever wanna come to this town just to visit?

Resident 1: I know, right?  This is a work town, not a play town.

Story 444: Plant Power

 (At a walk-in clinic in a mountain town, Tourist waits in an exam room)

Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-sorry-for-the-wait-how-can-I-help-you?

Tourist: Oh, the wait doesn’t bother me anymore, it’s the same everywhere and I’m sure it’s 10 times worse here what with the constant influx of tourists like me pretty much all year long –

Doctor: Yes-yes-yes-what-seems-to-be-the-problem?

Tourist: Oh, yeah, that: I don’t feel so good.

Doctor: Yes-yes-yes?

Tourist: Well, I flew in from the Eastern seaboard yesterday and went hiking today, but ever since I woke up this morning I’ve been feeling nauseous and out of breath and headachey and an all-around hot mess and I’m in perfect shape, Doc!

Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Yes-yes-yes-you-have-altitude-sickness-from-the-elevation-change-easy-fix.

Tourist: But I was fine on the plane and that goes all the way up into space!

Doctor: (Briefly pauses typing to give Tourist a withering look, then resumes) The-plane-has-constant-forced-air-to-maintain-cabin-pressure-and-you’re-in-it-for-a-relatively-short-time-here-the-air’s-thinner-all-the-time-and-your-body-is-having-trouble-adjusting-to-the-lower-oxygen-level-so-you’re-experiencing-hypoxia-

Tourist: Oh no!  I’m dying, I knew it!

Doctor: (Continues typing) We’re-all-dying- (Tourist double-takes) your-blood-just-needs-more-oxygen-so-either-get-to-a-lower-altitude-now-or-get-lots-of-rest-drink-lots-of-water-pick-up-a-bottle-of-chlorophyll-at-the-supermarket-take-it-easy-for-a-few-days-and-you’ll-be-fine-otherwise-call-911-if-the-symptoms-get-worse-here-you-go- (Takes a piece of paper that a nearby printer issues and hands it to Tourist) any-questions?

Tourist: (Stares at the page) Yeah – does this have all you said just now?

Doctor: Nope-it’s-the-bill-bring-it-up-front-to-pay-feel-better-bye.  (Quickly exits)

Tourist: (Continues staring at the list of charges, then looks up) Did I hear “chlorophyll” in there?

(In a hotel room)

Tourist: (Stares at self in the mirror over the bathroom sink) OK, you can do this – it’s right there on the shelf with all the other vitamins and fish oil and whatevers, bold as brass, so clearly there haven’t been massive disasters associated with ingesting these.  (Opens a bottle labelled “Chlorophyll,” dumps out a bunch of pills into one hand, stares at them for a few moments, and grimaces) Here we go.  (Pops them into mouth and downs a huge bottle of water, smacking lips) Ahhh.  Now all that’s to be done is sleep it off, I guess.  (Leaves the bathroom and flops onto the bed) This’d better work, is all I gotta say: I am not wasting the rest of this trip “taking it easy.”

(The next day a group of hikers, each wearing a large backpack of supplies, gathers near a bus outside the hotel)

Tour Guide: Good morning!  Everyone here for the – (Checks clipboard) “Walk Up a Mountain So I Can Say That I Climbed It” Tour?

Tour Group Members: Oh yeah!

Tour Guide: Great!  You all can get on the bus and I’ll check you in before we depart.  (As the Tour Group Members board the bus, Tour Guide notices Tourist a bit apart from the group, and hesitatingly approaches) Hi!  Everything all right?

Tourist: (Has been standing in the bright sunlight with arms spread wide and face turned up to the sky, beaming) I have never felt better in my entire life.

Tour Guide: Great!  (Tourist has not moved) …We’re all boarding the bus now.

Tourist: (Immediately lowers arms and runs to the bus) Got it.

(At the trailhead, the Tour Group Members have disembarked and follow Tour Guide)

Tour Guide: Now, remember to keep drinking your water all throughout our hike; walk only where I do; and let me know immediately if you need to stop and rest – hey!

Tourist: Hm?  (Stops and turns back to face the group 50 yards behind on the trail)

Tour Guide: What did I just say?!

Tourist: (Absently scratches hands) Ummm… drink water?

Tour Guide: And stay with the group!

Tourist: Got it.  (Jogs back to the group)

Tour Gide: (To the rest) All right, let’s go!

(They begin their ascent on the walking trail)

Group Member 1: (To Tourist) You might want to slow down there, sport – it’s easy to get altitude sickness real fast up here if you’re not careful.

Group Member 2: (Pops in) Oh yes, remember that trip two years ago when you –

Group Member 1: Yes, thank you dear, it can be assumed that I speak from experience.

Tourist: (Had dumped a bunch of pills into one hand and dry-swallowed them; now walks with closed eyes, smiling at the sun again) Oh, I’m way beyond that now….

Group Member 1: (Mutters to Group Member 2) There’s always at least one weirdo on these excursions.

Group Member 2: Indeed.  Ever wonder if it’s us?

Group Member 1: (Opens mouth to respond, then closes it to think this over)

(An hour into the hike, the group stops to rest at a lookout point)

Tour Guide: Please take advantage of this time to see the beautiful valley below us….

Group Members: Ooohhh….  (Cameras and phones are whipped out)

Tour Guide: The fountain installed to refill your water bottles….

Group Members: Ooohhh…. (Several trot over to the fountain to refill)

Tour Guide: And the gorgeous weather we’ve been blessed with today.

Group Members and Tour Guide: (Turn up to face the sun) Aaahhh….

(As the Group Members continue to wander the lookout point, Tour Guide notices Tourist sitting with crossed legs and palms turned up)

Tour Guide: So!  How’re we feeling – refreshed?

Tourist: (Eyes closed) Refreshed – renewed – reincarnated…. (Briefly takes off cap to scratch scalp)

Tour Guide: Eh?  I mean, wonderful – awwww!  (Spots a deer approaching) Everyone, it looks like we have a visitor!  Be very still, please.

(The Group Members basically keep still, a few taking photos as the deer approaches Tourist)

Tourist: (Opens eyes) Hey there.  (The deer sniffs Tourist’s upraised palms and then tries to knock off the cap to sniff hair) Should I worry about rabies?

Tour Guide: (In a low voice) No, just ticks – try to back away slowly.

Tourist: (Slowly stands and walks backward; the deer stares after the former forlornly) Sorry pal, don’t got any food that’s good for you.

Deer: <You sure about that?>  (Tourist goggles, jaw agape)

Tour Guide: OK everybody, let’s get back to our hike!  (Waves at Deer) Bye-bye, deer!

Group Members: (As they continue on the trail) Bye, deer!

Deer: <Yeah, keep moving, parasites.>  (To Tourist, still standing in shock) <Well?  If you’re not going to help a hungry fellow creature, then shove off with the rest of your polluting relatives.>

Tourist: Actually, I’m not related to any of –

Deer: <You the same species?  Then you’re related, so SHOVE OFF!>  (Tourist runs to catch up with the others)  <I’ll never get over how they’re still the dominant species – boggles the mind.>

(An hour later, the group stops again)

Tour Guide: Take a good look here, folks, `cause this is the point where we turn around and go back.

Group Members: (Disappointed) Awww….

Tour Guide: Five-minute break!

Tourist: (Now scratching hands and head constantly, walks over to Tour Guide) Excuse me, is there any poison ivy around here?

Tour Guide: Not at this altitude, why?

Tourist: (Scratching intensifies) I must’ve picked up something – I’ve been itching for hours now.

Tour Guide: (With dread) It wasn’t the deer, was it?

Tourist: Nah, it started way before the deer – (Scratches palms even harder and winces) Owww – (Green leaves suddenly burst from each hand) AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Tour Guide: Aaaahhhhh!!!!  (Rips off Tourist’s cap to reveal a pretty flower springing up from the top of the latter’s head) Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Group Members: (All turn simultaneously to see what the commotion is about) Aaaahhhhh!!!!

Tourist: (Eyes roll up trying to look at scalp) What?!

Tour Guide: (In a choked voice) Nothing.

Tourist: (Holds out hands to Tour Guide, who backs away) What is this?!  Is this altitude sickness?!  I thought I was cured!

Group Member 1: (Calmly strolling over with Group Member 2) Ah, you take too much chlorophyll?

Tourist: (Spins to face them) How’d you know what I was taking?!

Group Member 1: (Pointedly looks at the other’s hands and head) It’s pretty obvious.

Tourist: (Reaches above head and feels the flower) Oooooh, this is so creepy, get it off, get it off, get it off!  (Tries to pull it out) Owwwww!!!

Group Member 1: Best to let it wither up with lack of water and sun; it’ll drop right off.  Assuming you stop taking the pills, that is.

Group Member 2: Oh yes – (To Group Member 2) remember that trip 10 years ago when you –

Group Member 1: Yes dear, once again it can be assumed that I speak from experience.  (To Tourist) If you’d rather, I can try to find that deer to take care of this for you in the meantime.

Tourist: (Crying, slumps to the ground, staring at hands in horror as the flower twitches from the movement) I just wanted to feel well enough to hike a mountain…. (To the Group Members) Is this my monster origin story?!

Tour Guide: (Disconnects from a phone call) OK, here’s the deal: we can’t helicopter you off of here, so do you think you can make it back down to the trailhead where an ambulance can take you to the hospital?

Tourist: (Sniffles, uses the hand leaves to wipe away tears, and nods) Uh-huh: nothing’s sprouted on my feet yet.

Group Member 3: What about your face?  That begonia or whatever made it through using just the tiny holes in your cap, and your whole face’s been exposed for hours!

Tourist: (Gasps) You’re right!  (Feels in panic around face) They’re bumps everywhere!

Group Member 1: That’s just acne.

Tourist: Oh, right.  Guess we can go now.  (Shakily stands, with assistance from Tour Guide)

Group Member 4: (Comes forward with a camera) Would you mind if I take your picture, as a freaky memento?

Tourist: Sure.  At least somebody’ll have a good memory of this trip.

(At a hospital, Tourist lies on a bed in a private room while wearing bandages on hands and head)

Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-how-are-you-feeling?

Tourist: Oh my gosh, you work here too?!

Doctor: Doctors-are-in-short-supply-in-this-part-of-the-country-so-how-are-you-feeling-please?

Tourist: (Sighs) Better.  Horrified, but better.

Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Good-good-good-any-of-the-previous-symptoms-back?

Tourist: Nope, those seem to be taken care of as well.

Doctor: Good-good-good-you-can-be-discharged-today-with-follow-up-wound-care-bye.  (Starts to exit quickly)

Tourist: Hey, Doc!  (Doctor quickly turns around and returns to the bedside) Not for nothing, but a heads-up on the dosage amount for the chlorophyll would’ve helped!

Doctor: (Gives a withering look, then leans in a bit) You.  Should.  ALWAYS.  Read.  The.  Label.  Before.  You.  Take.  Something.  New.

Tourist: …Good point.