(Customer is at home, calling a company on a cell phone)
Automated Menu: Hello, thank you for calling -------------. To confirm, is your address --- ------- -----?
Customer: Yes.
Automated Menu: …I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.
Customer: Advanced to idioms now, eh?
Automated Menu: Please repeat.
Customer: Yes!
Automated Menu: …Let’s try this one more time.
Customer: Ugh, let’s.
Automated Menu: Please say “Yes,” or press 1; please say – (Customer presses 1) …. Thank you. One moment, please. (Takes several moments) To better serve you, please state the reason you are calling –
Customer: Representative! Human representative!
Automated Menu: …Let’s try this one more time. Please say “Hours of operation,” or press 1 –
Customer: REPRESENTATIVE!!!
Automated Menu: …One moment please, while I transfer you to a Customer Service Representative.
Customer: (Sighs in relief) Thank you, Robot.
Automated Menu: You’re welcome.
Customer: Huh?
(Hold music plays for a minute)
Customer Service Representative: Hello, my name is --------, may I have your first and last name, please?
Customer: You didn’t give me your last name.
Customer Service Representative: That’s for our protection, and we ask yours to prevent confusion and fraud.
Customer: Oh, OK; it’s ------ --------.
Customer Service Representative: Thank you – and how may I assist you today?
Customer: Yes, I have a – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ] on my – [CRACKLE-CRACKLE] bill, and – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ] –
Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, the phone keeps cutting out, could you repeat that, please?
Customer: Ohhh-kaaaay…. (Moves outdoors to a patio) How’s this?
Customer Service Representative: Better, thank you.
Customer: OK, so – [BZZZZ-BZZZZ-BZZZZZZZZZZ]
Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, the interference actually seems to have gotten worse – can you try calling back on a landline, please?
Customer: No one has landlines anymore! Besides – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZ] it’s your phone!
Customer Service Representative: My phone is a landline and it’s been fielding calls all day with no issues.
Customer: Ughhhhhh – [BZZZZ] Hold on – [CRACKLE] (Climbs a nearby tree to the highest bough) There – how’s that?
Customer Service Representative: Much better – for now.
Customer: Sooooo, I’m calling today because my monthly bill came in and it’s [CRACKLE-BZZZZZZZZZZZ]
Customer Service Representative: (Quietly sighs) I’m sorry, the phone is cutting out again; please call back when you have a better signal. (Moves to disconnect the call)
Customer: NO! I – [BZZZZ] all day before I could call – [CRACKLE-CRACKLE-CRACKLE] don’t it’ll be too late – [BZZZZ-BZZZ] don’t pay us overtime!
Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, but I do have to end this call now if only to preserve my hearing.
Customer: (Spots something in the sky) Wait! Just give me two minutes! (Sticks the phone in a pants pocket, climbs to the tip-top of the tree, reaches up, and grabs a rope hanging down from a passing hot air balloon)
Balloonist: (Leaning over the edge of the tilting basket) Hey! No passengers!
Customer: I just need to finish this call with Customer Service!
Balloonist: (Nods) Carry on. (Returns to steering the balloon)
Customer: (Holding onto the rope with one hand, takes out the phone with the other, and yells over the prevailing wind) Can you hear me better now?!
Customer Service Representative: Yes, but there’s also a lot of background noise.
Customer: Ignore it! Now, about my bill – (A bird flies in Customer’s face) Ahhhh!!!!
Customer Service Representative: Are you all right?!
Customer: (Spitting out feathers) Yes, thank you! No bird will take this phone away from me!
Customer Service Representative: What?!
Customer: So! My bill – [BZZZZZZZ]
Customer Service Representative: (Sighs louder) It’s happening again.
Customer: Huh? (Looks up and sees dark clouds full of flashing lightning are passing overhead)
Balloonist: (Leaning over the edge of the basket again) I have to take it down now, sorry!
Customer: No, wait, I can’t go any lower, I’ll lose the call – (Spots a nearby jet plane taking off and points at it) Yes! Take us closer!
Balloonist: Ah, no.
Customer: Fine! (Sticks the phone between teeth, grabs the rope with both hands, swings widely, lets go, and flies through the air to land on top of the jet)
Balloonist: (Shakes head while landing the balloon) Nutjob.
Customer: (Holding onto the accelerating and ascending jet, maneuvers the phone to hold it against the plane with both hands, and puts it on speaker) CAN – YOU – HEAR – MEEEEEE????!!!!!
Customer Service Representative: (Lowers headset volume and places it on the desk) Yes, shockingly enough.
Customer: GREAT! I – HAVE – A – QUESTION – ABOUT – MY – BILL –
Customer Service Representative: Yes, we’ve established that.
Customer: IT – WENT – UP – THIS – MONTH – BUT – I – STILL – SHOULD – HAVE – A – DISCOUNT – UNTIL – THE – END – OF – THE – YEAR!
Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing rapidly) Right, let’s see what’s going on with the account then…. Ah, it looks like there’s a new promotion instead that’ll carry over into next year, so with your permission I’ll add that to your account now and refund you the difference for this month’s bill, OK?
Customer: [BZZZZZ-CRACKLE]
Customer Service Representative: Hello?
Customer: [BZZZ] – ELLO?!
Customer Service Representative: (Quietly) I think it’s happening again. Just as we were making progress.
Customer: (Squints up against the slipstream and sees Aurora Borealis flaring overhead) SHOOT! I – NEED – TO – GET – HIGHER!!!
Customer Service Representative: “Higher?” Where on Earth are you right now?!
Customer: NOT – ON – IT!
Customer Service Representative: Eh?
Customer: HOLD – ON – PLEASE!
Customer Service Representative: Heh, that’s my line.
Customer: (Puts the phone back between teeth, slowly stands on the now-level jet, swings arms, and leaps in a wide arc to land on the side of a space shuttle lifting off. After slipping inside the payload bay doors to put on a spacesuit before leaving Earth’s atmosphere, the phone now floats inside the helmet) Can you hear me all right now?
Customer Service Representative: (Puts on the headset again) Crystal clear, although… is that forced oxygen I’m hearing in the background?
Customer: Never mind that – about my bill?
Customer Service Representative: Ah yes – (Begins typing again) As I was saying, with your permission I’ll add a new promotion for the next 12 months and refund you the difference on your next bill, so your new monthly total will be $--.--. Do I have your permission to proceed with this?
Customer: You do indeed.
Customer Service Representative: (Finishes typing with a flourish) And… done! You’re all set!
Customer: (Sighs in relief) Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.
Customer Service Representative: My pleasure! Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Customer: Yes, as a matter of fact… (Now seated on an astronaut maneuvering unit, opens the payload bay doors again and launches self toward Earth) Would you be able to lock onto my cell phone signal at 7,000 miles above sea level and navigate me back to my home address, please?
Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing again) Surprisingly, yes.
