(At a walk-in clinic in a mountain town, Tourist waits in an exam room)
Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-sorry-for-the-wait-how-can-I-help-you?
Tourist: Oh, the wait doesn’t bother me anymore, it’s the same everywhere and I’m sure it’s 10 times worse here what with the constant influx of tourists like me pretty much all year long –
Doctor: Yes-yes-yes-what-seems-to-be-the-problem?
Tourist: Oh, yeah, that: I don’t feel so good.
Doctor: Yes-yes-yes?
Tourist: Well, I flew in from the Eastern seaboard yesterday and went hiking today, but ever since I woke up this morning I’ve been feeling nauseous and out of breath and headachey and an all-around hot mess and I’m in perfect shape, Doc!
Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Yes-yes-yes-you-have-altitude-sickness-from-the-elevation-change-easy-fix.
Tourist: But I was fine on the plane and that goes all the way up into space!
Doctor: (Briefly pauses typing to give Tourist a withering look, then resumes) The-plane-has-constant-forced-air-to-maintain-cabin-pressure-and-you’re-in-it-for-a-relatively-short-time-here-the-air’s-thinner-all-the-time-and-your-body-is-having-trouble-adjusting-to-the-lower-oxygen-level-so-you’re-experiencing-hypoxia-
Tourist: Oh no! I’m dying, I knew it!
Doctor: (Continues typing) We’re-all-dying- (Tourist double-takes) your-blood-just-needs-more-oxygen-so-either-get-to-a-lower-altitude-now-or-get-lots-of-rest-drink-lots-of-water-pick-up-a-bottle-of-chlorophyll-at-the-supermarket-take-it-easy-for-a-few-days-and-you’ll-be-fine-otherwise-call-911-if-the-symptoms-get-worse-here-you-go- (Takes a piece of paper that a nearby printer issues and hands it to Tourist) any-questions?
Tourist: (Stares at the page) Yeah – does this have all you said just now?
Doctor: Nope-it’s-the-bill-bring-it-up-front-to-pay-feel-better-bye. (Quickly exits)
Tourist: (Continues staring at the list of charges, then looks up) Did I hear “chlorophyll” in there?
(In a hotel room)
Tourist: (Stares at self in the mirror over the bathroom sink) OK, you can do this – it’s right there on the shelf with all the other vitamins and fish oil and whatevers, bold as brass, so clearly there haven’t been massive disasters associated with ingesting these. (Opens a bottle labelled “Chlorophyll,” dumps out a bunch of pills into one hand, stares at them for a few moments, and grimaces) Here we go. (Pops them into mouth and downs a huge bottle of water, smacking lips) Ahhh. Now all that’s to be done is sleep it off, I guess. (Leaves the bathroom and flops onto the bed) This’d better work, is all I gotta say: I am not wasting the rest of this trip “taking it easy.”
(The next day a group of hikers, each wearing a large backpack of supplies, gathers near a bus outside the hotel)
Tour Guide: Good morning! Everyone here for the – (Checks clipboard) “Walk Up a Mountain So I Can Say That I Climbed It” Tour?
Tour Group Members: Oh yeah!
Tour Guide: Great! You all can get on the bus and I’ll check you in before we depart. (As the Tour Group Members board the bus, Tour Guide notices Tourist a bit apart from the group, and hesitatingly approaches) Hi! Everything all right?
Tourist: (Has been standing in the bright sunlight with arms spread wide and face turned up to the sky, beaming) I have never felt better in my entire life.
Tour Guide: Great! (Tourist has not moved) …We’re all boarding the bus now.
Tourist: (Immediately lowers arms and runs to the bus) Got it.
(At the trailhead, the Tour Group Members have disembarked and follow Tour Guide)
Tour Guide: Now, remember to keep drinking your water all throughout our hike; walk only where I do; and let me know immediately if you need to stop and rest – hey!
Tourist: Hm? (Stops and turns back to face the group 50 yards behind on the trail)
Tour Guide: What did I just say?!
Tourist: (Absently scratches hands) Ummm… drink water?
Tour Guide: And stay with the group!
Tourist: Got it. (Jogs back to the group)
Tour Gide: (To the rest) All right, let’s go!
(They begin their ascent on the walking trail)
Group Member 1: (To Tourist) You might want to slow down there, sport – it’s easy to get altitude sickness real fast up here if you’re not careful.
Group Member 2: (Pops in) Oh yes, remember that trip two years ago when you –
Group Member 1: Yes, thank you dear, it can be assumed that I speak from experience.
Tourist: (Had dumped a bunch of pills into one hand and dry-swallowed them; now walks with closed eyes, smiling at the sun again) Oh, I’m way beyond that now….
Group Member 1: (Mutters to Group Member 2) There’s always at least one weirdo on these excursions.
Group Member 2: Indeed. Ever wonder if it’s us?
Group Member 1: (Opens mouth to respond, then closes it to think this over)
(An hour into the hike, the group stops to rest at a lookout point)
Tour Guide: Please take advantage of this time to see the beautiful valley below us….
Group Members: Ooohhh…. (Cameras and phones are whipped out)
Tour Guide: The fountain installed to refill your water bottles….
Group Members: Ooohhh…. (Several trot over to the fountain to refill)
Tour Guide: And the gorgeous weather we’ve been blessed with today.
Group Members and Tour Guide: (Turn up to face the sun) Aaahhh….
(As the Group Members continue to wander the lookout point, Tour Guide notices Tourist sitting with crossed legs and palms turned up)
Tour Guide: So! How’re we feeling – refreshed?
Tourist: (Eyes closed) Refreshed – renewed – reincarnated…. (Briefly takes off cap to scratch scalp)
Tour Guide: Eh? I mean, wonderful – awwww! (Spots a deer approaching) Everyone, it looks like we have a visitor! Be very still, please.
(The Group Members basically keep still, a few taking photos as the deer approaches Tourist)
Tourist: (Opens eyes) Hey there. (The deer sniffs Tourist’s upraised palms and then tries to knock off the cap to sniff hair) Should I worry about rabies?
Tour Guide: (In a low voice) No, just ticks – try to back away slowly.
Tourist: (Slowly stands and walks backward; the deer stares after the former forlornly) Sorry pal, don’t got any food that’s good for you.
Deer: <You sure about that?> (Tourist goggles, jaw agape)
Tour Guide: OK everybody, let’s get back to our hike! (Waves at Deer) Bye-bye, deer!
Group Members: (As they continue on the trail) Bye, deer!
Deer: <Yeah, keep moving, parasites.> (To Tourist, still standing in shock) <Well? If you’re not going to help a hungry fellow creature, then shove off with the rest of your polluting relatives.>
Tourist: Actually, I’m not related to any of –
Deer: <You the same species? Then you’re related, so SHOVE OFF!> (Tourist runs to catch up with the others) <I’ll never get over how they’re still the dominant species – boggles the mind.>
(An hour later, the group stops again)
Tour Guide: Take a good look here, folks, `cause this is the point where we turn around and go back.
Group Members: (Disappointed) Awww….
Tour Guide: Five-minute break!
Tourist: (Now scratching hands and head constantly, walks over to Tour Guide) Excuse me, is there any poison ivy around here?
Tour Guide: Not at this altitude, why?
Tourist: (Scratching intensifies) I must’ve picked up something – I’ve been itching for hours now.
Tour Guide: (With dread) It wasn’t the deer, was it?
Tourist: Nah, it started way before the deer – (Scratches palms even harder and winces) Owww – (Green leaves suddenly burst from each hand) AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Tour Guide: Aaaahhhhh!!!! (Rips off Tourist’s cap to reveal a pretty flower springing up from the top of the latter’s head) Aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!
Group Members: (All turn simultaneously to see what the commotion is about) Aaaahhhhh!!!!
Tourist: (Eyes roll up trying to look at scalp) What?!
Tour Guide: (In a choked voice) Nothing.
Tourist: (Holds out hands to Tour Guide, who backs away) What is this?! Is this altitude sickness?! I thought I was cured!
Group Member 1: (Calmly strolling over with Group Member 2) Ah, you take too much chlorophyll?
Tourist: (Spins to face them) How’d you know what I was taking?!
Group Member 1: (Pointedly looks at the other’s hands and head) It’s pretty obvious.
Tourist: (Reaches above head and feels the flower) Oooooh, this is so creepy, get it off, get it off, get it off! (Tries to pull it out) Owwwww!!!
Group Member 1: Best to let it wither up with lack of water and sun; it’ll drop right off. Assuming you stop taking the pills, that is.
Group Member 2: Oh yes – (To Group Member 2) remember that trip 10 years ago when you –
Group Member 1: Yes dear, once again it can be assumed that I speak from experience. (To Tourist) If you’d rather, I can try to find that deer to take care of this for you in the meantime.
Tourist: (Crying, slumps to the ground, staring at hands in horror as the flower twitches from the movement) I just wanted to feel well enough to hike a mountain…. (To the Group Members) Is this my monster origin story?!
Tour Guide: (Disconnects from a phone call) OK, here’s the deal: we can’t helicopter you off of here, so do you think you can make it back down to the trailhead where an ambulance can take you to the hospital?
Tourist: (Sniffles, uses the hand leaves to wipe away tears, and nods) Uh-huh: nothing’s sprouted on my feet yet.
Group Member 3: What about your face? That begonia or whatever made it through using just the tiny holes in your cap, and your whole face’s been exposed for hours!
Tourist: (Gasps) You’re right! (Feels in panic around face) They’re bumps everywhere!
Group Member 1: That’s just acne.
Tourist: Oh, right. Guess we can go now. (Shakily stands, with assistance from Tour Guide)
Group Member 4: (Comes forward with a camera) Would you mind if I take your picture, as a freaky memento?
Tourist: Sure. At least somebody’ll have a good memory of this trip.
(At a hospital, Tourist lies on a bed in a private room while wearing bandages on hands and head)
Doctor: (Quickly enters, carrying a computer tablet) Hi-how-are-you-feeling?
Tourist: Oh my gosh, you work here too?!
Doctor: Doctors-are-in-short-supply-in-this-part-of-the-country-so-how-are-you-feeling-please?
Tourist: (Sighs) Better. Horrified, but better.
Doctor: (Typing at super speed on the tablet) Good-good-good-any-of-the-previous-symptoms-back?
Tourist: Nope, those seem to be taken care of as well.
Doctor: Good-good-good-you-can-be-discharged-today-with-follow-up-wound-care-bye. (Starts to exit quickly)
Tourist: Hey, Doc! (Doctor quickly turns around and returns to the bedside) Not for nothing, but a heads-up on the dosage amount for the chlorophyll would’ve helped!
Doctor: (Gives a withering look, then leans in a bit) You. Should. ALWAYS. Read. The. Label. Before. You. Take. Something. New.
Tourist: …Good point.
