Story 537: The Ultimate Thrill Ride

             (At an extremely large outdoor amusement park)

Sibling 1: (After purchasing admission and putting on a wristband while handing another over to Sibling 2) I can’t believe how prices just keep going up and up and up from when we went here as kids!  At this rate, inflation’ll never end!

Sibling 2: I can’t believe you make the same observation every time you buy something lately.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Do I?

Sibling 2: Yes.  I wouldn’t have mentioned it, but I just know you’d say it again when we get something to eat and when we go to the arcade and when we do pretty much anything else here, so I decided to head you off at the pass and save myself the aggravation of having to hear it.

Sibling 1: (Mildly miffed) Wow.  I had no idea – is there anything else I do that irritates you while we’re on the subject?

Sibling 2: Well, now that you bring it up –

Sibling 1: Forget it: right now I wanna go on the swings and have a good time, and by gum, I’m gonna!  (Runs to that ride’s line)

Sibling 2: (Strolls after) Sure – no one’s stopping you.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Sibling 1: (As both make their fifth circuit through the amusement park) I think we hit all the highlights we wanted, right?  I still can’t get over how amazingly short the lines are!

Sibling 2: Yep: can’t beat going here on a Thursday in September.

Sibling 1: So, wanna do any repeats before we head back home and collapse in satisfied exhaustion?

Sibling 2: (Looks around) Well… not a repeat, but I’ve always had my eye on that one.  (Points to a space shuttle launchpad)

Sibling 1: (Laughs) Heh, yeah, OK.  (Looks back at Sibling 2) …You’re serious?

Sibling 2: Of course.  Why not?

Sibling 1: Because!  That’s the Rocket Ship Space Launcher – and it’s not hyperbole: it literally launches you into OUTER SPACE!

Sibling 2: Yeah?

Sibling 1: (Huffs in disbelief) I know you’re a daredevil, but even you have to admit that’s taking “thrill seeking” a bit too far!  I’m shocked it’s still in operation – last I heard, a group of riders got stuck in orbit and no one’s heard from them since!

Sibling 2: That’s an urban legend: they touched down in Antarctica a day later.

Sibling 1: WHAT?!

Sibling 2: Everybody was fine – eventually – I don’t see what the big deal is.

Sibling 1: Unbelievable.

Sibling 2: Well, I’m going on it; it you’re too much of a coward to join me, I’ll see you from the Moon, then.  (Starts walking toward the ride)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s arm) Hold on: you realize this might be a little too much for you to handle, right?

Sibling 2: (As Sibling 1 lets go) Are you joking?  Don’t you remember the time I rode the Colossal Cavernous Cretinous Coaster?

Sibling 1: You must’ve been with your buddies on that trip – I’ve never even heard of it!

Sibling 2: (Chuckles while staring off in reminiscence) Few have, for only those deemed worthy in mind, body, and spirit are allowed to even learn of its existence, let alone ride it.

Sibling 1: …For real?

Sibling 2: (Still staring into the distance) It was a thing of beauty: 40 loops; 360° spins every five seconds; more than 80% of the ride is spent upside-down; the cars were reversed at least four times on the tracks; and our bodies completely broke free from gravity’s greedy grasp for a solid minute.  I’ve never experienced anything so transcendent in my entire life, and I doubt I ever will again.

Sibling 1: Oh, please.

Sibling 2: (Turns back to Sibling 1 and points at the launchpad) This one might run a close second though, and I think you should experience something that monumentally profound at least once in your life, too.

Sibling 1: I don’t get why I should: I already went on the Suborbital Slingshot with you today, against my better judgement.

Sibling 2: And you didn’t regret it, right?

Sibling 1: Mildly!  My stomach is still up in the clouds somewhere!

Sibling 2: So you won’t miss it when we go on this one – maybe you’ll get it back on the way down!

Sibling 1: (Sighs in defeat) You owe me.

Sibling 2: (Loops an arm around Sibling 1’s shoulders to lead them both to the ride) What for?  It’s not like I need a guardian or something to go on the ride.  If anything, you’ll owe me for the awesome experience you’re about to have.

(Since there is no line, the Ride Operator leaning against the control panel wakes up and straps Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 into their seats, placing spacesuit helmets over their heads and hooking them up to oxygen tanks)

Ride Operator: (Goes back to the control panel and grabs a loudspeaker) OK, keep all limbs immobile at all times; keep breathing no matter what; and if anything goes wrong, hit the red button on your seat.

Sibling 1: (Through the helmet’s microphone as Ride Operator completes the final pre-flight checks) And how are we supposed to hit the red button if our limbs are immobile at all times?!  (To Sibling 2)  The instructions need a little workshopping, it seems.

Sibling 2: (Bouncing lightly in the seat) Yeah, I wanna get off.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, yeah.  (Turns to Sibling 2 and sees that the latter’s face is extremely pale) Are you kidding?

Sibling 2: (Shakes head slowly back and forth) Nope.

Sibling 1: I don’t believe it – how is this any different from the Colossal Whatever-Whatever Coaster?!

Sibling 2: (Barks out a laugh) That was a baby ride – they had to wake me up when it was over so I would get out.  This?!  Is off the map!

Sibling 1: (Yells over the sound of a massive exhaust release from the ride’s engines) You’re the one who talked me into riding this thing, and now you wanna bail?!  You are not leaving!

Sibling 2: (Squeezes eyes shut as the ride begins to vibrate violently) I regret everything I’ve ever done in my life!

Sibling 1: AND I HATE YOUUUUUU – (Ride launches into space) UUUUUUUU…!!!

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 scream as they exit Earth’s atmosphere; the capsule reaches escape velocity, then hovers in semi-orbit above the planet)

Sibling 1: (As they gaze out into the vastness of space) Wow.  Talk about transcendent.

Sibling 2: …Is that Mars?

Sibling 1: I think so.

Sibling 2: Wow. Makes everything planet-side seem rather insignificant and pointless, huh.

Sibling 1: I’ll say.  I’m starting to question the meaning of my whole existence right now.

Sibling 2: Same.

(A spaceship flies up to them and a voice beams into their helmets)

Voice: Earth Creatures: Return to your doomed planet and cease your pollution of the rest of the universe!  This is your final warning!

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: What in the –

(They scream again as the ride begins to free fall and re-enter Earth’s atmosphere)

Sibling 1: (Sees that both of their seats’ red buttons have started flashing) What does that mean?!

Sibling 2: Guess there’s an emergency!  It’s getting a little hot in here, so I think it’s a distinct possibility we may be burning up on re-entry!

Sibling 1: For the love of – so do we both have to hit a button, or does just one of us have to hit a button?!

Sibling 2: I dunno!  (Tries wriggling a thumb to the nearest button) I can’t reach it – what about you?!

Sibling 1: Maybe!  (Reaches thumb to the nearest button) Yeah, I think so!

Sibling 2: At least one of us’ll make it, then!  I would never have forgiven myself if it was me!

Sibling 1: Don’t be so dramatic!  I’m gonna hit it now!

Sibling 2: Go ahead!  And farewell!

Sibling 1: Oh, shut it!  (Hits the button; the ride along with Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 disappear from the sky and reappear back where they started on the launchpad)

Sibling 2: (Frozen in place, along with Sibling 1) Did we just get… beamed up?!

Sibling 1: …I think we technically got beamed down.

(Ride Operator runs over to them, takes off their helmets, and releases their restraints)

Ride Operator: Are you two OK?!

Sibling 1: (Slowly stands) Yeah?  We survived, I think.

Ride Operator: (After helping Sibling 2 stand) Awesome; I forgot before you boarded the ride: could you sign these forms, please?  (Hands over two computer tablets) You can just put your thumbprint on them at this point.

Sibling 1: (As both discombobulatedly do so) Sure, what are we signing?

Ride Operator: Only that you won’t sue the amusement park, the ride manufacturer, and/or me, and that you will never speak a word to anyone else regarding what you saw, heard, smelt, tasted, and/or touched while on the ride or all those parties mentioned will sue you, thanks-bye!  (Gently shoves them through the line gate, slams it shut behind them, and shuts down the ride completely, tossing up a sign that reads “Temporarily Closed for Maintenance”)

Sibling 2: (As both stumble down the steps back to solid ground, holding onto each other for support) That… was amazing.

Sibling 1: Now that we’ve safely landed back on Planet Earth, I actually have to agree.  (They eventually start walking more steadily and stop leaning on each other) Sorry I said I hate you.

Sibling 2: That’s OK; sorry I almost abandoned you at the last minute.

Sibling 1: That’s OK.  (They stop and look around at the crowds of families and friends obliviously going about their day, then simultaneously look up at the twilight sky) You think our lives are forever changed after experiencing something like that?

Sibling 2: I do indeed.  One doesn’t touch the stars and remain the same afterward.

Sibling 1: Huh.  (They look back at each other) So now what do we do with ourselves, knowing what we know?

Sibling 2: Hmmm…. (Looks off in thought for a few moments, then back at Sibling 1) Get some ice cream?

Sibling 1: Sweet.

Story 532: The Spaceship Captain Who Can’t Even Anymore

 [Not based on a true story; I’m just on a Star Trek kick lately and this is a sort-of parody of those series]

(On the minimally staffed bridge of a slightly run-down spaceship, Destination: Unknown)

Captain: (Slouching in The Big Chair and staring broodingly at the various crew members at their various stations doing their various tasks, then at the main viewscreen showing the same images of stars, galaxies, and deceptive nothingness streaking by.  With a full-bodied sigh, hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big Chair) Captain’s Log: Space Date 4… 3… 2… 1...?  It’s March 14, 2724 – I barely learned the metric system on Earth, you think I’m gonna learn another standardized set of measurements more random than the English system?  Whatever: just doing the obligatory check-in where I note that it’s business as usual.  We continue on our unending mission to who-knows-where in order to do who-knows-what, getting into all sorts of shenanigans along the way.  Whoever’s bright idea it was to stick hundreds of terrestrial-based beings into an oversized tin can, continuously pump fake atmosphere into it, use controlled explosions to shoot it off into a vacuum and hope for the best, oughta be smacked upside the head.  I mean, what is the point of all this anyway?  Discovery?  We’re not discovering anything – every planet and celestial phenomenon we encounter as we stumble along the stars either is already known by the beings who live there, or is so incompatible with our own flora and fauna that the best we can do is point and say “Ooh that’s nice!” and move on.  Anything else messes up the civilizations that were doing perfectly fine before we got there, starts yet another war, or at best perpetuates the cycle of codependency.  And don’t get me started on what goes on board here during the downtime between stops on our improvised itinerary: we’ve got more experiments going awry than ones that have any practical application; equipment malfunctioning more often than it works that it’s a bona fide miracle we haven’t all been blown out into space or sprouted extra body parts; and half the crew hooking up with the other half that I’m frankly amazed that any work gets done.  And if I have to sign one more inane report on ship’s systems that should be running themselves at this point, I am literally going to tear my own head off.

Lieutenant: (Has been standing next to The Big Chair the entire time) Captain?

Captain: (Turns to Lieutenant) Yeah?

Lieutenant: I have a report for you to sign.

Captain: (Stares balefully at Lieutenant for several seconds) Computer: delete that log entry.

Computer: Log entry deleted.

Captain: (Takes the tablet that Lieutenant is holding out, uses a stylus to scribble at the bottom of the screen, and hands it back) All done – I feel so fulfilled.

Lieutenant: (Stares a moment at the screen) Thank you, Captain, but this doesn’t appear to be your name at the bottom.

Captain: That’s because it isn’t.

Lieutenant: May I ask – ?

Captain: I’d rather you didn’t, but go ahead.

Lieutenant: What does “TL;DR” stand for?

Captain: (Chuckles) It’s an ancient Earth phrase that comes in very handy in situations like these, Ensign.

Lieutenant: …It’s Lieutenant, actually, Captain.

Captain (Brow furrows in confusion) Since when?

Lieutenant: Since you promoted me last year.

Captain: I did?  What for?

Lieutenant: I believe the reason you gave was “Unexpected Competence.”

Captain: (Thinks for a moment, then laughs) Oh right, now I remember.  (Pointedly addresses the rest of the bridge crew) It was so rare.  (They duck their heads in shame as Captain turns to Lieutenant again) OK, we’re done; what’re you still hanging around for?

Lieutenant: I’m waiting to be dismissed, Captain.

Captain: You’re a full-grown adult, Lieutenant; you don’t need my permission to live.

Lieutenant: True, but we’re military so I do need your permission to leave.

Captain: Ugh, enough of that nonsense.  (Taps another few buttons on the arm of The Big Chair) Attention, ship inhabitants: this is obviously your Captain speaking.  New rule: when a conversion is clearly over, feel free to buzz off instead of waiting for me or any other so-called “superiors” to tell you when to go, and if turns out we’re not finished then we’ll order you back.  Captain – OUT!  (Taps another button to turn off the intercom, then stares pointedly at Lieutenant)

Lieutenant: Oh, right – bye.  (Trots to the bridge lift to exit)

Captain: (Smiling at the retreating figure) I knew I made you Lieutenant for a reason!  (Leans back in The Big Chair and starts spinning it from side-to-side, sighing again) I’m bored – somebody put on a movie!

Pilot: (Turns around in chair to face Captain) Um, Captain, we need the main viewscreen to navigate.

Captain: No you don’t – the computer and sensors are doing all the work and you’re only telling them where we want to go.  And the viewscreen just uses psychology to trick our minds into thinking we’re actually getting somewhere in a universe that has no beginning and no end.  (Pilot turns back to the controls, flabbergasted; Captain opens a panel next to The Big Chair, rummages around a bit, and pulls out a can of soda) Computer: tap into the kitten cam feed of the Humane Society in New Jersey and patch it through to the bridge’s viewscreen.

Computer: Accessing kitten cam feed.

(The starscape on the viewscreen is replaced by kittens playing with toys, napping, and overall being cute)

Captain: Heh-heh; sweet.  (Pops open the can’s tab with one hand and slurps the drink)

(An alert sounds)

Communications Officer: Captain, a ship from the star system we designated as Kepler-186 has suddenly appeared off our port bow!

Captain: (Nearly spits out the drink) “Suddenly appeared”?!  Who fell asleep at the lookout station?!

Communications Officer: Their ships have technology to hide themselves before making a dramatic entrance, Captain!

Captain: Oh right, I forgot they had that – wish we did.

Communications Officer: They’re asking us to pick up on the party line, Captain!

Captain: (Drops the soda can into the open panel and slouches again, head lolling back on The Big Chair) Arggghhh, what do those douchebags want noooow??!!

Communications Officer: We’ll probably find out in a few seconds once we pick up, Captain.

Captain: (Cracks jaw) Computer: replace the kitten cam feed with the incoming call.

Computer: Replacing kitten cam feed with incoming call.

(Kittens are replaced by the face of an angry-looking soldier)

General: Earth vessel –

Captain: (Head snaps from side to center) WHAT?!

General: (Momentarily taken aback) This is the warship –

Captain: We know what your ship’s name is, weirdo; it’s written in huge letters all over the hull.  (General is stunned into silence) WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!!

General: (Regains composure) You have trespassed in our space and have 30 seconds to move along or we will bombard you with artillery!  And possibly destroy you, but that outcome’s never a guarantee.

Captain: (Rolls eyes) We’re nowhere near your space – and besides, no one owns space, it just is; none of it can be yours and you can’t tell anyone what to do or where to be!

Pilot: (Turns around again) Actually, Captain, according to a memo sent from headquarters yesterday, this sector is now considered their space.

General: Aha!  You were told!  And we do so own it!

Captain: (Finally sits up and speaks to Pilot through clenched teeth) Then why are we in it right now?

Pilot: I may have been a little distracted in my duties lately, Captain; my apologies.

Captain: …If you even hint that high-school-couples’ drama has nearly led to an intergalactic incident, I will personally court-martial the both of you.  (Pilot turns back around and focuses intently on keeping the spaceship hovering in place)

General: Well, Captain?  Will you shove off or not?

Captain: (Leans back again) So, what, you want us to move four inches to the left or something?

General: “Inches”?

Captain: How far do we have to move ourselves in order for you to be content?

General: Oh, not far – 1,000 light years should be sufficient.

Captain: (Eyes widen) Are you kidding me?!  Even at top speed that’ll take us – (Counts on fingers) over a year!  And you only gave us 30 seconds!

General: Which have now passed, so it seems you leave us no choice.  (To off-screen crew) Blast `em to smithereens, good people! 

(Call abruptly ends and General’s face is replaced by the kittens as the spaceship rocks from laser beams hitting it)

Captain: (Falls out of The Big Chair, then scrambles back onto it) Are our defenses even working?!

Tactical Officer: The outer energy fields should hold for at least another minute, Captain, so that’s something.

Captain: Unbelievable.

(Lieutenant re-enters the bridge from the lift)

Lieutenant: Captain!  (The latter whips around in The Big Chair to face the former) “Too Long; Didn’t Read”?!

Captain: (Nearly falls onto the floor again as the spaceship rocks violently) Are you for real right now?!  Get outta here, and go wherever it is you nerds hide during fights like this!

Lieutenant: (Gasps while holding onto a railing as the spaceship rocks again) You don’t even know what I do here?!

Captain: No, and I don’t care and never will, nerd!

Lieutenant: (Runs back to the bridge lift and turns around to face Captain defiantly) That’s the last time I make sure the life support system works at maximum!  (Lift doors close on anguished triumph)

Captain: Cripes.  (Spaceship rocks the hardest it has yet; Captain spins around to Tactical Officer) What’s keeping you?!  Fire back!

Tactical Officer: How so, Captain?  Lasers?  Bombs?  Sledgehammers?

Captain: (Holding onto The Big Chair’s arms for dear life) I don’t know; use your best judgement!

(Tactical Officer shrugs and hits a button; a burst of light hits the other vessel, which immediately shuts down)

Captain: What’d you do?!

Tactical Officer: Hit `em with an EMP – seemed best.

Captain: (To self) I didn’t even know we had one of those.  (Hits a few buttons on The Big Chair’s arm; General materializes on the bridge) So!  You were saying?

General: This is outrageous!  You not only trespass in our newly-declared property, but you’ve now doomed my entire crew to a slow death by suffocation or hypothermia, whichever decides to act faster!  Once our homeworld hears about this abomination, they’re gonna go nuts!

Captain: Too bad: picking a fight and then losing it spectacularly comes with the literal territory.

General: We were defending ours!

Captain: From what, our nonexistent exhaust?!

General: From your presence!  We don’t like you, and we don’t want anyone tromping through our interstellar backyard!

Captain: Feeling’s mutual, but you don’t see me blowing up your ship about it.

General: But you were told!

Pilot: (Turns around in chair) We were told, Captain.

Captain: (To Pilot) I don’t want to hear another word out of you ever again.  (To General as Pilot sheepishly turns back around) All right, since you and your homeworld are clearly going to be eternal pains about all this, I’ll make it real simple.  Computer: target the other vessel and relocate it – (Smiles demonically at General) INTO EARTH’S SUN.

General: WHAT?!

Computer: Incapable of executing command: not enough power exists on this vessel to transport that amount of mass over that amount of distance.

Captain: (Sighs and leans back to address the ceiling) I am surrounded by insubordination!  (Pushes off from The Big Chair and approaches General) Fine!  We’ll bring your crew over here, help you fix your ship, you go on your merry little way, we go on to… wherever out of here, and none of us ever speak of this again.  Happy?!

General: No, but it’ll do.

Captain: Good, `cause I’m hungry so I’m going on break.  (Trots off to the bridge lift, leaving no one in charge so everyone looks confusedly at each other)

(Hours later, the two repaired ships part ways)

Captain: (Back on the bridge, eating a candy bar; hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big Chair) Captain’s Log: The past few hours have been extremely annoying and I don’t want to talk about what happened and wind up reliving it, so I won’t.  [Crunch-Crunch] Oh yeah, one more thing: I’m writing up the entire crew for sass.  Even if they don’t to my face, I know they do behind my back.  [Crunch-Crunch] Blazes, these things are tedious – having me “Dear Diary” every five minutes when there’s an objective recorder in the background at all times is the definition of redundancy.  I mean, if the ship crash lands tomorrow, who cares what I thought about the whole thing?  No amount of self-reflection’s gonna unscramble that egg, know-what-I-mean?  [Crunch-Crunch] That’s about it – end log.  (Tosses the candy wrapper like a basketball into a nearby garbage bin) Yes!  Nothing but net.

Pilot: (Turns around in the chair) Captain, I know you never wanted to hear me speak again, but can I ask a question off the record?

Captain: (Opens another panel, grabs a pillow and blanket, reclines The Big Chair, and settles in for a nap) Like I just said if you were eavesdropping properly, the computer records everything like a spy so nothing’s ever off the record.

Pilot: Oh.

Captain: (Closes eyes) OK, what’s up?

Pilot: Well, you clearly don’t want to be out in space –

Captain: No kidding.

Pilot: – so… why did you join a space-exploring organization?  And bonus question: how did you ever get promoted to Captain?!

Captain: (Puts on a sleep mask and curls onto side) I had nothing better to do, and there was a shortage.  Now: continue flying us on our course to nowhere, and no one talk to me for the next six hours – I’ll be deep in multiple dream cycles, which are far more entertaining than this nonsense.

Story 441: Can You Hear Me?!

 (Customer is at home, calling a company on a cell phone)

Automated Menu: Hello, thank you for calling -------------.  To confirm, is your address --- ------- -----?

Customer: Yes.

Automated Menu: …I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.

Customer: Advanced to idioms now, eh?

Automated Menu: Please repeat.

Customer: Yes!

Automated Menu: …Let’s try this one more time.

Customer: Ugh, let’s.

Automated Menu: Please say “Yes,” or press 1; please say – (Customer presses 1) …. Thank you.  One moment, please.  (Takes several moments)  To better serve you, please state the reason you are calling –

Customer: Representative!  Human representative!

Automated Menu: …Let’s try this one more time.  Please say “Hours of operation,” or press 1 –

Customer: REPRESENTATIVE!!!

Automated Menu: …One moment please, while I transfer you to a Customer Service Representative.

Customer: (Sighs in relief) Thank you, Robot.

Automated Menu: You’re welcome.

Customer: Huh?

(Hold music plays for a minute)

Customer Service Representative: Hello, my name is --------, may I have your first and last name, please?

Customer: You didn’t give me your last name.

Customer Service Representative: That’s for our protection, and we ask yours to prevent confusion and fraud.

Customer: Oh, OK; it’s ------ --------.

Customer Service Representative: Thank you – and how may I assist you today?

Customer: Yes, I have a – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ] on my – [CRACKLE-CRACKLE] bill, and – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZZ] –

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, the phone keeps cutting out, could you repeat that, please?

Customer: Ohhh-kaaaay…. (Moves outdoors to a patio) How’s this?

Customer Service Representative: Better, thank you.

Customer: OK, so – [BZZZZ-BZZZZ-BZZZZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, the interference actually seems to have gotten worse – can you try calling back on a landline, please?

Customer: No one has landlines anymore!  Besides – [BZZZZZ-BZZZZ] it’s your phone!

Customer Service Representative: My phone is a landline and it’s been fielding calls all day with no issues.

Customer: Ughhhhhh – [BZZZZ] Hold on – [CRACKLE] (Climbs a nearby tree to the highest bough) There – how’s that?

Customer Service Representative: Much better – for now.

Customer: Sooooo, I’m calling today because my monthly bill came in and it’s [CRACKLE-BZZZZZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: (Quietly sighs) I’m sorry, the phone is cutting out again; please call back when you have a better signal.  (Moves to disconnect the call)

Customer: NO!  I – [BZZZZ] all day before I could call – [CRACKLE-CRACKLE-CRACKLE] don’t it’ll be too late – [BZZZZ-BZZZ] don’t pay us overtime!

Customer Service Representative: I’m sorry, but I do have to end this call now if only to preserve my hearing.

Customer: (Spots something in the sky) Wait!  Just give me two minutes!  (Sticks the phone in a pants pocket, climbs to the tip-top of the tree, reaches up, and grabs a rope hanging down from a passing hot air balloon)

Balloonist: (Leaning over the edge of the tilting basket) Hey!  No passengers!

Customer: I just need to finish this call with Customer Service!

Balloonist:  (Nods) Carry on.  (Returns to steering the balloon)

Customer: (Holding onto the rope with one hand, takes out the phone with the other, and yells over the prevailing wind) Can you hear me better now?!

Customer Service Representative: Yes, but there’s also a lot of background noise.

Customer: Ignore it!  Now, about my bill – (A bird flies in Customer’s face) Ahhhh!!!!

Customer Service Representative: Are you all right?!

Customer: (Spitting out feathers) Yes, thank you!  No bird will take this phone away from me!

Customer Service Representative: What?!

Customer: So!  My bill – [BZZZZZZZ]

Customer Service Representative: (Sighs louder) It’s happening again.

Customer: Huh?  (Looks up and sees dark clouds full of flashing lightning are passing overhead)

Balloonist: (Leaning over the edge of the basket again) I have to take it down now, sorry!

Customer: No, wait, I can’t go any lower, I’ll lose the call – (Spots a nearby jet plane taking off and points at it) Yes!  Take us closer!

Balloonist: Ah, no.

Customer: Fine!  (Sticks the phone between teeth, grabs the rope with both hands, swings widely, lets go, and flies through the air to land on top of the jet)

Balloonist: (Shakes head while landing the balloon) Nutjob.

Customer: (Holding onto the accelerating and ascending jet, maneuvers the phone to hold it against the plane with both hands, and puts it on speaker) CAN – YOU – HEAR – MEEEEEE????!!!!!

Customer Service Representative: (Lowers headset volume and places it on the desk) Yes, shockingly enough.

Customer: GREAT!  I – HAVE – A – QUESTION – ABOUT – MY – BILL –

Customer Service Representative: Yes, we’ve established that.

Customer: IT – WENT – UP – THIS – MONTH – BUT – I – STILL – SHOULD – HAVE – A – DISCOUNT – UNTIL – THE – END – OF – THE – YEAR!

Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing rapidly) Right, let’s see what’s going on with the account then…. Ah, it looks like there’s a new promotion instead that’ll carry over into next year, so with your permission I’ll add that to your account now and refund you the difference for this month’s bill, OK?

Customer: [BZZZZZ-CRACKLE]

Customer Service Representative: Hello?

Customer: [BZZZ] – ELLO?!

Customer Service Representative: (Quietly) I think it’s happening again.  Just as we were making progress.

Customer: (Squints up against the slipstream and sees Aurora Borealis flaring overhead) SHOOT!  I – NEED – TO – GET – HIGHER!!!

Customer Service Representative: “Higher?”  Where on Earth are you right now?!

Customer: NOT – ON – IT!

Customer Service Representative: Eh?

Customer: HOLD – ON – PLEASE! 

Customer Service Representative: Heh, that’s my line.

Customer: (Puts the phone back between teeth, slowly stands on the now-level jet, swings arms, and leaps in a wide arc to land on the side of a space shuttle lifting off.  After slipping inside the payload bay doors to put on a spacesuit before leaving Earth’s atmosphere, the phone now floats inside the helmet) Can you hear me all right now?

Customer Service Representative: (Puts on the headset again) Crystal clear, although… is that forced oxygen I’m hearing in the background?

Customer: Never mind that – about my bill?

Customer Service Representative: Ah yes – (Begins typing again) As I was saying, with your permission I’ll add a new promotion for the next 12 months and refund you the difference on your next bill, so your new monthly total will be $--.--.  Do I have your permission to proceed with this?

Customer: You do indeed.

Customer Service Representative: (Finishes typing with a flourish) And… done!  You’re all set!

Customer: (Sighs in relief) Thank you so much!  I really appreciate it.

Customer Service Representative: My pleasure!  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Customer: Yes, as a matter of fact… (Now seated on an astronaut maneuvering unit, opens the payload bay doors again and launches self toward Earth) Would you be able to lock onto my cell phone signal at 7,000 miles above sea level and navigate me back to my home address, please?

Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing again) Surprisingly, yes.

Story 346: All the Time in the World – Now What?

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake)

            Friend 1: Sigh.

            Friend 2: No one actually says “Sigh,” you know.

            Friend 1: I wanted to emphasize the sentiment.

            Friend 2: Of what, contentment or disappointment?

            Friend 1: Both.

            Friend 2: You’ve lost me.

          Friend 1: Contentment in knowing that right now, in this moment, we are living The Good Life; disappointment in knowing this moment will end soon and we’ll have to go back to living The Blech Life.

            Friend 2: As with all things – just enjoy this now and let me do the same.

            Friend 1: I suppose.

            (They settle back in their chairs and watch some ducks paddle by)

            Friend 1: [Siiiiiiiiiiigh]

            Friend 2: OK, that’s even worse – what now?

          Friend 1: Just thinking how the Sun’ll set in less than two hours and the day is pretty much over.

           Friend 2: For the love of – can you just turn your mental gnawing on everything off for two seconds?!

            Friend 1: Yes.  But two seconds is a tiny period of time, so it’s virtually meaningless.

            Friend 2: Argh.

        Friend 1: As is any brief moment of enjoyment we manage to find in this world: ephemeral, evanescent, gone before we barely have a chance to truly appreciate it.  I miss the time in my life before I hit puberty when I didn’t realize all this.

            Friend 2: I miss that time in your life, too.  I’m going to watch funny videos on my phone and ignore you now.  (Does so)

            Friend 1: (Is hypnotized watching the ducks paddle by) [Sigh] If only I had all the time in the world….

ONE YEAR LATER

            Friend 2: (Answers cell phone) Hey, what’s up?

          Friend 1: (On the phone) You’ll never believe this: I got the results back from my physical and the bottom line of all the jargon is that I’m basically immortal.

            Friend 2: You’re right, I’ll never believe that – is today April Fool’s?

            Friend 1: I already got you with that last week; this is real!

          Friend 2: Oh right, I blanked out on that for a minute there.  You know, I’d be mad at you about that whole thing but I have to admit it was pretty funny.  I may steal it to use on my cousin next year, if you don’t mind.

            Friend 1: Not at all – I’m generous with my work.

            Friend 2: So, what’s up?

            Friend 1: Ummmmm… wait a minute… uhhhh… I’ll get it in a second….

            Friend 2: Oh right, you think you’re Dracula or something.

            Friend 1: Not Dracula; immortal!

            Friend 2: Isn’t that the same thing?

          Friend 1: The one is not dependent on the other!  I’m not drinking blood or sleeping during the day, I’m just living forever!  As in, FOREVER.

            Friend 2: That’s neat.  Good for you.

            Friend 1: Is that all you can say?!

          Friend 2: What, so you were given a life expectancy of 100-something years?  That’s great; hope you get to keep your faculties all the way to the end, if you know what I mean.

           Friend 1: You’re not getting it: my doctor found all these weird things in my blood and tissues and brain and what-not that mean nothing in me’ll ever get sick, or decay, or be destroyed!  I’m invincible!  AND I WILL LIVE FOREVER.

             Friend 2: You sure they didn’t mix up your sample with a cockroach’s?

         Friend 1: There is negative billion chance of that ever happening.  Now, having pondered on the ramifications of this for some time, I have accepted my new fate in truly having all the time in the world and therefore can do whatever I once thought impossible due to time constraints.  I can lean every world language now, including those of every species of whale!  I can literally travel to every country on the planet!  I can literally travel to every planet, eventually!  I can dive to the bottom of the Mariana Trench just to say I did it!  I can learn every skill imaginable, becoming the international spy I always wanted to be!  I can even become an Olympic athlete because all it takes is a gazillion hours of training, which I now have!

            Friend 2: Well, it’s a little more than that –

          Friend 1: Where do I even begin with a whole universe of time ahead of me?  Ooh, I know: watching every single episode of that series, you know, Physician Whatsit, from its very first episode in 1963 to the present.

            Friend 2: …Wow, you really are serious about all this, aren’t you?

            Friend 1: I told you, it’s not April Fool’s!  (Disconnects the call firmly)

FIVE YEARS LATER

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake, while Friend 1 flips frantically through a large book)

            Friend 2: I thought you wanted to relax now that time means nothing to you?

           Friend 1: How can I relax when I have yet to master the subjunctive of Vedic Sanksrit?!  (Flips more pages)

            Friend 2: (Furrows brow) I don’t think that one’s spoken too much anymore.

            Friend 1: It won’t be at this rate!  (Flips faster)

            Friend 2: (Settles back in the chair to watch the ducks paddle by) [Sigh]

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER

            Friend 1: (Answers call in a hurry) Yes?

            Friend 2: Hey, sorry I had to back out of our skydiving trip sort-of last minute, but the arthritis is acting up again.

           Friend 1: Always excuses!  Never mind, you would’ve just slowed me down anyway – after I land back on Earth I’m hopping on the nearest train to begin my third round-the-world trek, which you already backed out of, again!

            Friend 2: Well, we did just get back from the Moon, and you know it’s my kid’s high school graduation –

            Friend 1: No sense of priorities!  You’re letting every opportunity to live pass you by!  (Turns off hologram call and jumps solo out of a plane) Liiiiiiiiiife!!!!

THIRTY YEARS LATER

           (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs, wearing hats and sunglasses and facing a lake)

           Friend 1: – and I clearly explained the entire history of the U.S. banking system to demonstrate how their plan will lead to yet another recession, and the entire board room stared at me as if I had two heads!  Oh sorry, outdated reference: one of the board members does have two heads, so I guess it reminded me of that old phrase, heh…. Do you ever wonder if everybody on what we used to call Proxima Centauri b think we’re weird for just having one brain? 

             Friend 2: (Wakes up with a half-snore) Huh?  What?

             Friend 1: Forget it.  Oh, and Happy 80^th Birthday, if I missed mentioning that before.

         Friend 2: Oh, thanks.  You know, I really do owe you for helping find the cure for dementia all those years ago – I realized recently I’d’ve been knee-deep in it by now.

           Friend 1: No problem.  It’s amazing how simple it is to find a solution once one has adequate time to devote to the problem, know what I’m saying?  Sorry about the multiple sclerosis, though – working on that one now!  (Continues scrolling through medical texts on a holographic screen)

            Friend 2: That’s OK, I’ll take it over the other one any day.  You gonna stop all that and just watch the water with me now?

            Friend 1: Oh all right.  (Turns off the screen and leans back to watch the water) You know the Earth’ll rotate away from the Sun in less than two hours and the day is pretty much over.

            Friend 2: Unbelievable.

TWO HUNDRED YEARS LATER

            (In a lecture hall on Mars)

          Friend 1: (Pointing to a presentation on a large screen) And in conclusion, our continued presence in this universe actually will create the very extinction-level event for our insignificant planet that we have been dreading since the beginning of our entire species’ existence!  (The attendees stand, bow at Friend 1, and leave the room)  I miss applause.  (Stares out the panoramic window at tiny Earth, far in the distance) Sigh.  Think I reached the end of this academic avenue: what should I study next?  How to reverse entropy?  Time travel that actually works within this dimension?  Comparative religions of Earth and Venus?  Why fictional romances are so much more satisfying than real-life ones?  (Sighs softly) Why having all the time for everything I could ever want to do feels empty instead of fulfilling?

            Friend 2: Because you never learned to really appreciate anything?

           Friend 1: Huh?  What?  (Wakes up with a half-snore, back on the beach chair facing the lake in the park with Friend 2)

            Friend 2: You were talking in your doze.  And snoring pretty loudly.

         Friend 1: (Looks around, discombobulated) What – how – do you know I just lived several lifetimes’ worth of experiences and intellectual growth, and it was all for nothing!

          Friend 2: Well, welcome back, Dorothy.  Learn any life lessons that you’ll instantly forget?

          Friend 1: (Stares at the ducks as they paddle by) That I really do need to appreciate more in life and focus less on the time that’s passing.

            Friend 2: Good.  (Leans back in the chair and closes eyes)

            Friend 1: And also that space travel is the absolute worst.

            Friend 2: You certainly learned to keep on complaining.