Story 561: What Were the Witches of "Macbeth" Really Up To?

[All lines in quotes are from Macbeth by William Shakespeare]

(Spooky weather descends upon a medieval Scottish heath as three cloaked figures gather)

First Witch: “When shall we three meet again/ In thunder, lighting or in rain?”

Second Witch: How about in warm weather, clear skies, and low humidity instead – sound good?

First Witch: Yeah, fine with me.

Third Witch: No argument here.

First Witch: So!  The reason we’re meeting here today is about those never-ending wars that keep popping up around here: you think we should try to do something to, I dunno, stop them?

Second Witch: Great idea!  And as I always say, a little positive reinforcement goes a long way: those Macbeth and Banquo chaps seem like decent fellows, defending the King and all; let’s let them know their future rewards now and that should spur them on to do their best to keep the peace in this land even more!

Third Witch: Sound notion!  I second it wholeheartedly.

First Witch: And I third it.  Let’s flip the script on this warmongering country for once, shall we?

First, Second, and Third Witch: “Fair is foul, and foul is fair” – bad will become good, at last!

First Witch: I love using our powers for good and not for evil, don’t you?

Second Witch: `Tis a blessing, to be sure.

Third Witch: Just wish we weren’t treated like garbage and banished all the time for it.

(All three sigh in regret)

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

(The Three Witches, on the same heath, are seated in a circle and playing dice)

Second Witch: I win, again!

First Witch: Drat: I should’ve paid more attention to maths the one time it was actually being taught to me.

(A drum is heard in the distance)

Third Witch: “A drum, a drum!/  Macbeth doth come.”

First Witch: How you figure?  That drum could mean anyone doth come.

Third Witch: (Points to forehead) I’m using my inner eye.

First Witch and Second Witch: (Nod in understanding) Ahhhhh….

(They stand and pose witchily as Macbeth and Banquo enter heath right)

Macbeth: Behold: witches!  Always a good sign.

First Witch: (To Second Witch and Third Witch) Here we go – make it good.  (To Macbeth and Banquo) “All hail, Macbeth!  Hail to thee, thane of Glamis!”  (Gestures to Second Witch)

Second Witch: “All hail, Macbeth, hail to thee, thane of…” (Holds hands to forehead briefly) “Cawdor!”

Third Witch: (With an overly dramatic flourish) Ooh, ooh, “All hail, Macbeth, thou shalt be king hereafter!”

First Witch and Second Witch: (Whirl on Third Witch) WHAT?!

Third Witch: (Blankly) What?  I’m doing the positive reinforcement thing like you said.

First Witch: (Turns, groveling, to Macbeth) What my weird sister meant is, thou shalt be like a king, in that thou shalt rule the people’s hearts and minds –

Macbeth: (Strokes his chin with a raised, conniving eyebrow) King, eh?  A few bodies stand in my way, primarily the current King himself, but they shouldn’t be a problem – for long.

First Witch: Now wait just a minute –

Banquo: Hey, what about me?  Do I get to be king, too?

Third Witch: (Holds hands to forehead briefly again) Ummm – “Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none.”  (Is smacked upside the head by First Witch) OW!  What was that for?!

Banquo: Woo-hoo!  I’m the source of royalty, that’s amazing!

First Witch: (Hisses to Third Witch) Peace, you fool!

Third Witch: (Hisses back) Why?  That should keep Macbeth in check, don’t you think?  If he won’t have any kings in his family line, then he won’t be so eager to grab the throne in the first place and will just let the succession proceed naturally, right?

(The Witches turn to see Macbeth sharpening his sword and dagger while staring evilly at the oblivious Banquo)

First Witch: (To Third Witch) You wanna rethink that?

(Macbeth then whips out a quill and parchment and starts a letter)

Macbeth: Dearest Wife: You will never believe what happened to me today.  Tell me – what are your thoughts on proactive upward mobility?

(Macbeth and Banquo leave the heath, with Macbeth leaning on Banquo’s back to write his treasonous letter)

First Witch: I think we accidentally set things in motion that are going to end up really, really badly.

Second Witch: I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that I only mentioned the promotion that Macbeth was going to receive anyway, so I take no responsibility for any duplicitous and bloody thoughts planted in that dude’s head.

Third Witch: But he seemed so noble....

First Witch: They always do in the beginning.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(The Three Witches meet on the heath again, very agitated)

First Witch: (Pacing) So, that escalated quickly: King Duncan, murdered; his son Malcolm, run away to England; Banquo, murdered on the orders of his former best friend – but!  At least his son Fleance got away to continue the family on through to King James VI of Scotland –

Third Witch: (Holds hands briefly to forehead) Who also will be King James I of England.

First Witch: Really?  Well, that’s an interesting turn of events.

Second Witch: I did hear that Banquo’s ghost made a guest appearance at – ugh – King Macbeth’s dinner party last night.

First Witch: Good for him: a little posthumous revenge is always healthy.  But now, you should know that Boss got word of all this and she’s none too happy.

Third Witch: Heh, she never is.

First Witch: I’d keep that observation to myself, if I were you.

(A flash of lightning and a crash of thunder reveal Hecate, making the Three Witches cringe and cower in fear)

Hecate: (Arms raised in fury) “How did you dare/To trade and traffic with Macbeth/ In riddles and affairs of death;/ And I, the mistress of your charms/ The close contriver of all harms/ Was never call’d to bear my part/ Or show the glory of our art?”

First Witch: Ummm….

Hecate: “And, which is worse, all you have done/ Hath been but for a wayward son/ Spiteful and wrathful, who, as others do,/ Loves for his own ends, not for you.”

First Witch: …Yeah, we went a little off-script there.  (Glares at Third Witch)

Third Witch: In our defense, oh Mistress of the Night, with the information we had been given on Macbeth’s character and integrity, we had no way to predict that he’d turn into a complete psychopath.

Hecate: Enough!  (The other three cower again) Fix this, before the entire population of Scotland is wiped out through his whims!

Second Witch: Most certainly, oh Bringer of Light; just one question – we three will not all share equally any possible punishment you may decide to dole out, yes?

Hecate: You three will be doomed to remain trapped for eternity in your cave or tree or wherever it is you call home by the time I’m through with you!  Imagine a rhyming couplet here; and with that, I am gone.  (Vanishes along with the bad weather)

First Witch: Well, that could’ve gone better.

Third Witch: Also could’ve gone worse

First Witch: True.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(The Three Witches use their magic to drag a cauldron full of water up onto the heath)

First Witch: All right, empty out your pockets, we’ve gotta make this thing look good.

Second Witch: (Pulls out items from cloak) Let’s see, I’ve got some… ginger root, a few elderberries, and a piece of willow bark.

First Witch: Great for headaches.  (To Third Witch) You?

Third Witch: (Holds out several items) Some lavender and a bunch of blueberries.

First Witch: (Nods) I think we can make those work.  (Holds out an herb) I found some sarsaparilla.

Second Witch and Third Witch: (Lean in to see) Oooohhhh….

First Witch: I think we’re all ready to go, then: let’s get this brew started and set the mood before Macdouche gets here.

(They use their magic to start a fire and boil the water, then begin throwing their items into the cauldron)

All: “Double, double toil and trouble;/ Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.”

Second Witch: (Getting carried away with throwing in the elderberries) “Eye of newt and toe of frog/ Wool of bat and tongue of dog – ”

First Witch: Would you knock it off?!  That’s absolutely disgusting!

Third Witch: Ooh, what about “Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf – ”

First Witch: No, no, no!

Third Witch: Rats.

First Witch: And not them either!  It’s such behavior that gives us a bad name, you know that?

Second Witch: (Suddenly looks up and holds hands to forehead briefly) “By the pricking of my thumbs/ Something wicked this way comes.”

First Witch: Oh cripes, Royal Pain’s here already, is he?

Second Witch: `Fraid so.  And now my thumbs hurt for some reason because of him.

(Macbeth enters heath left, wearing a huge crown on his head and robes of guilt and extreme ambition)

Macbeth: Hello there, evil hags.

First Witch: (Muttering) Why you little –

Macbeth: Things aren’t looking so good for me and missus right now: lots of nobles running off to England and plotting to overthrow us; Malcolm working with the English to take back the throne, which is a slippery slope if I ever heard one –

Second Witch: Yeah, you let the English in and they’ll never leave.

Macbeth: Quite.  So, tell me how the wife and I can come out on top of all this, m’kay?

First Witch: What for?  You made this mess, you clean it up!  Besides, it’s not as if you paid us for the fortunes we told you the first time!

Second Witch: (Elbows First Witch and whispers) Hecate won’t be too pleased if she hears this – remember, he’s liable to obliterate the entire county at the rate he’s going.

First Witch: (Whispers back) Gotcha.  (To Macbeth) Very well, here are more previews of your fate.  (Adds the sarsaparilla to the cauldron and stirs) “Pour in… (Shudders with disgust) sow’s blood” – blah, blah, blah, here are some spirits!  (After a few moments of inaction, First Witch grits teeth while addressing Second Witch and Third Witch) I say again, Here are some spirits!

Second Witch: Oh!  Right.  (Throws on a different cloak and appears to be a spirit) “Macbeth!  Macbeth!  Macbeth!”

Macbeth: Yes, I’m still here.

Second Witch: “Beware Macduff!”

Macbeth: Knew it!  Always hated that guy.

(First Witch nudges Third Witch)

Third Witch: (To First Witch) You’ll love this; I’ve got a good one.  (Also throws on a different cloak and appear to be a spirit) “Be bloody, bold – ” wait, how am I gonna word this?

Macbeth: Sorry?

Third Witch: I mean, “Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn/ The power of man, for none of woman born/ Shall harm Macbeth.”  Yeah, that oughta do it.

First Witch: (Whispers to Third Witch) Brilliant!  (They surreptitiously high five each other)

Macbeth: Wonderful!  That must mean that no one can kill me and I am immortal.

First Witch: …If you say so.

Macbeth: Is that all?  I need to cover all contingencies.

First Witch: Well, there’s one more.  (Also throws on a different cloak and appears to be a spirit) “Macbeth shall never vanquish’d be until/”… um… “Great Birnam wood to high Dunsinane hill/ Shall come against him.”

Second Witch: (Whispers to First Witch) How’s that?

First Witch: (Whispers back) The invading army uses the trees’ branches to disguise their numbers.

Second Witch: Great, he’ll never figure that one out, either!  Walk right into his own undoing!

First Witch: (To Macbeth) And one more thing – (Shows shadow puppets standing in a row) Here’s the line of kings mentioned several acts ago, and none of them are from you!  Sure makes you want to chuck it all in now, right?!

Macbeth: These portents do give me pause.  The line of kings from the guy I had murdered so that wouldn’t happen, missing the kid who’d make sure it would, throws me off; but a moving forest and an impossible man do sound promising.  That “Beware Macduff” bit has me concerned, though: he ran off to England to go help Malcolm, so I’ll just have his entire family killed instead.  (Nods to the Three Witches) Thanks for the insider info – you’ve been a big help.  (Exits heath right)

(The Three Witches stare after him in horror, until First Witch smacks Second Witch upside the head)

Second Witch: Hey!  What now?

First Witch: “Beware Macduff”?!  That’s the one guy who can stop this monster, and now you got his whole family killed!

Second Witch: …Motivation?

First Witch: Argh!

Third Witch: You still like my C-section reference though, right?  Told the truth while making him think he’s unstoppable because no such person could possibly exist, right, right – ?

First Witch: Yes-yes-yes, you’re oh-so-clever, nobody cares because in the meantime this guy’s gonna keep on slaughtering innocent people!

Second Witch: Maybe we should’ve been more direct, and just killed him ourselves right at the start?

First Witch: (Gasps) You take that back!  We’re weird magicians, not murderers!

Second Witch: Oh right – everyone treats us that way so much that sometimes I think it’s true.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(The Three Witches gather on the heath during the aftermath of Macbeth’s defeat)

First Witch: Well, this is just great: so many people are dead, either by Macbeth or because of Macbeth; Lady Macbeth finally couldn’t take her dirty hands anymore so she’s dead; Malcolm will be king but now the Scottish owe the English for their help in getting rid of the tyrant so autonomous rule is on shaky ground.  What.  A.  Mess.

Third Witch: Yeah, Hecate’s not gonna be happy.

Second Witch: I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that nothing I said or did contributed to any of this disaster.

First Witch: Oh, quit all that, would you?!  Besides, it doesn’t matter.

Second Witch: And whyever not?

First Witch: Because we’re witches: whatever happens, good or ill, we always get the blame.

Third Witch: Sounds about right.

Story 521: Freeloading Christmas Party Guest

            (In a house full of Christmas trees, blinking lights, Nativity scenes, and snowpeople of all shapes and sizes, party guests eat, drink, and merrily finish preparing the main meal and all its side dishes)

Guest 1: (To Host) I know I’m stuffing my mouth with five different types of cheese right now, but I do mean it when I ask “Do you need any help?”

Host: (Pulling three trays out of the oven while stirring a pot of sauce with an elbow) Nah, I got it – but if you could light the burners under the racks for these pans, that’d be a big help!

Guest 1: (Stares at Host tossing the trays onto the racks and then whip up a salad out of thin air) …Sure, I think I can manage that.

(In the living room, guests stand, sit, and play according to age level when the front door suddenly bursts open)

Freeloader: Hey-hey, everybody, I made it!

Guests: Heyyyyy….

Guest 2: (Takes Freeloader’s coat and pointedly stares at the latter’s empty hands) Soooooo, anything that needs to be put in the fridge or out on the table?

Freeloader: Nope, just me, eh-heh-heh-heh!  I need a drink.  (Grabs an iced tea from a cooler, piles up a plate of appetizers, and sprawls across the couch, bumping a few guests aside) Coming in for a landing, folks!  (Guests move to the other side of the couch; Freeloader finishes the plate, tosses it and the iced tea onto the coffee table, and takes a nap)

Host: (Enters the living room with arms full of cups and cutlery) Dinner’s ready!

Freeloader: (Immediately wakes up and zooms to the dining room) Dibs on everything!

Host: (Sways in Freeloader’s wake) I didn’t even know you were here yet….

(After dinner, as many guests as possible pile into the kitchen and shuttle back and forth from there to the dining room to pack up whichever food is left, wash dishes, pots, and pans, and make room for dessert)

Host: (Carrying a tower of leftover containers; to guests) Oh really, this is such a big help –

Guests 1-20: Not at all!

(In the living room, Freeloader dozes in preparation for the after-dinner nap as several children rambunctiously play)

Freeloader: (Chuckles) I love how rowdy children are always someone else’s problem.

Child 1: (To Freeloader) I was told that when I reach double-digits, I have to take my place in the dish-drying line.

Freeloader: (Eyes close) Good for you.

Children 2-8: As must we all.

Freeloader: (Eyes open wide; Children 1-8 are standing in a row facing Freeloader, who then jumps while seated and looks up at the ceiling) Whoa, was that Santa’s sleigh landing on the roof just now?

Children 1-8: SANTA, YIPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!!  (They all run to their respective parents and beg to go outside)

Freeloader: (Leans back on the couch) Almost too easy.  (Turns head against the cushion to gaze fondly at the gently lit tree, then notices a tabletop Nativity scene nearby.  Squinting, Freeloader sees Baby Jesus in the manger, staring soulfully and gently accusingly back.  The two stare at each other as sweat beads on Freeloader’s forehead, until the latter can take the silent judgement no longer, jumps off the couch, and runs to the kitchen) Wait!  Save me a pot to scrub – a potato to wrap up – anything!

(Guest 2 and Guest 3 emerge from the corner they were watching from the whole time and follow)

Guest 3: That was a good idea, but I thought Baby Jesus isn’t supposed to be in there until Christmas Day?

Guest 2: What can I tell you?  He works in mysterious ways.