Story 499: Dueling 4th of July Parties

(In a suburban backyard, there are USA flags, red-white-and-blue streamers, Declaration of Independence replicas, and barbecue everywhere; family and friends make merry and completely take over the inground pool, hot tub, swing set, patio furniture, and cornhole boards while party music plays on a boombox)

Guest 1: (Reclined on a deck chair next to Guest 2 while keeping an eye on three children playing hide-and-seek in the pool) I agree that making Juneteenth a federal holiday was long overdue – the problem is, my job doesn’t count it as one of the few paid holidays we get.  I mean, what if I wanted to go to a barbecue that day, hm?

Guest 2: …I think you’re missing the point.

Guest 1: Probably.  (Sits up abruptly to yell at the children in the pool) Knock it off!

Guest 3: (In the pool) Why, what’d we do?!

Guest 1: You know what I told you: no horseplay while you’re in the pool –kittenplay only!

Guest 3: But how do we know what’s horseplay in here?!

Guest 1: By the volume of water being displaced, now go back to doing laps until I tell you to stop!

Guest 3: Aw, nuts.  (The three children start doing laps around the pool, angling away from the inner-tubers and others lounging about)

Guest 1: (Lies back on the chair) I tell ya – these kids’ll drive you to drink.  (Sips from a funky glass filled with pink lemonade)

Guest 2: I’ll say; glad mine are all grown up and have their own kids to worry about now.

Guest 4: (Yelling across the backyard to another group of three children) HEY!  (The children look up simultaneously) Do NOT drink from that hose!  (The children blink once, then lean down simultaneously to drink from the hose) I’M COMING OVER THERE!  (The children drop the hose and flee shrieking as Guest 4 chases after them)

Guest 2: (To Guest 1) Yep: Life’s sweetest revenge.

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the music in the backyard; Host rushes out from the kitchen and hops onto a large rock to lean over the back fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which is a mirror image of the current backyard in terms of pool, patio, accessories, and guests)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 1 and waves) Hey!

Neighbor 1: (Waves back from watching a mini-soccer tournament, then walks over to the fence) Hey there, neighbor!  Happy 4^th of July!

Host: Same to you – listen, could you lower your music a bit, please?  It’s drowning out ours.

Neighbor 1: Oh, sure.  (Gestures to a guest to turn down the music a bit) But I gotta warn you, everyone else on the block’s having their party today, so I think we’re all going to be drowning each other out at some point.

Host: What?!  I thought I was the only one having mine five days early!  Why is no one having their party actually on the 4^th this year?!

Neighbor 1: Well, let’s face it: who wants a summer barbecue and late-evening hijinks on a Tuesday?

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other two players; Host runs to the left fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over the side fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror image of the other two yards)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 2 and waves) Hey!         

Neighbor 2: (Floating serenely on a pool raft while surrounded by splashing chaos) Hey; `sup?

Host: Could you turn down your super-loud music so we all can hear our own, please?!

Neighbor 2: Not possible, my friend: got at least three relatives who’re hard of hearing, and this is the volume where they like it.

Host: Oh.  Never mind then, I guess.

Neighbor 2: Much appreciated….  (Floats away on a rippling wave as 10 children cannonball into the pool)

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other three players; Host runs to the right fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over the side fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror image of the other three yards)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 3 and waves) Hey!         

Neighbor 3: (Focused intently on an active barbecue grill) Hi – can’t talk now, got the burgers on.  Need to keep track which ones are medium-rare and which ones are well-done.

Neighbor 4: (Standing next to Neighbor 3) They’re all done well, honey.

Neighbor 3: Thanks babe, but you know this is an unforgiving crowd.

Host: Can one of you please turn down your music just a bit so we all can hear our own at our parties that we all decided to hold at the exact same time?!

Neighbor 3: (Carefully starts flipping burgers) Well, that’s the thing: everybody’s sound systems are so dang loud, I need mine to block all of them out so I can concentrate.  (Freezes in horror) I flipped five of these too early!  (Frantically flips them back)

Host: (Using index finger and thumb to demonstrate) Maybe turn the dial just a tad, just a smidgen –

Neighbor 3: (Finally looks up at Host to wail) GO AWAYYYYY!!!!!!

Host: (Drops back down behind the fence) Yikes.

(Suddenly, fireworks and firecrackers go off above Neighbor 1’s backyard; one lands in Host’s pool and fizzles out)

Kids: YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Neighbor 1: (Peers over the fence) Whoops – everyone OK?

Guest 1: (Having run over to the children and grabbed the firework to fling it out of the water and onto the concrete) NO!  I mean yes, but NO!  What do you think you’re doing?!

Host: (Hops back onto the rock on that side of the fence) Yeah, it’s not even sunset yet, come on!

Guest 1: (To Host) You mean, “Don’t set those off in the backyard right next to another house,” don’t you?!

Host: Yeah, that too!  (Turns to Guest 5 standing next to a pile of fireworks near the house and motions for them to be moved to the front yard)

Neighbor 1: Well, that’s hours away and this party needs some livening up what with the quieter music and all, so I figured, “Why not now?”  Got enough to go non-stop for 12 hours anyway, so no harm.

Neighbor 2: (With raft still attached, peering over the fence) You setting off fireworks now?  Great idea!

Host: No it is not!  Now is not the time of day for fireworks, it’s the time of day for eating!

Guest 6: (Comes up to Host) Sorry to interrupt: you want me to turn on the grill so everyone can start eating soon?

Host: NOT NOW!  (Guest 6 immediately turns around and makes a beeline to the dwindling potato chip bowl)

Neighbor 3: (Peers coldly over the fence) I’d like to inform all of you that your shenanigans have completely ruined my burgers.  (Other guests from that party also peer coldly over that side of the fence)

Host, Neighbor 1, and Neighbor 2: (All point at each other) They started it!

Neighbor 3: (Pours every ounce of contempt into the word) Neighbors.  (Lowers back down behind the fence, along with guests; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks start going off overheard)

Host: (To Neighbor 1) See what you started!

Neighbor 1: Hey, you started it with the loud music first; the rest of us have to look out for our own!

Neighbor 2: And for once, I was having no stress this year – now that that’s spoiled, I’m gonna start setting off my fireworks, too!  (Lowers back down behind the fence; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks start going off overhead)

Neighbor 1: Party on!  (Lowers back down behind the fence; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks resume going off overhead)

Host: Fine!  If you all insist on being immature, irresponsible, thoughtless, careless hooligans, then there’s no point in me not being one either!  (Hops off the rock and stomps over to the relocated fireworks, passing Guest 6 on the way)

Guest 6: Food…?

Host: Tell everyone to eat all the sides and skip to dessert – we’re doing fireworks now!

Guest 6: But that’s six hours ahead of schedule.

Host: (Arranges the fireworks and the hose in the driveway and street and grabs a candle lighter) Nobody cares anymore!

(Fireworks fill the sky over that part of the neighborhood, although much of the effect is lost due to the bright afternoon sun; other neighbors come out to watch in concern until four police cars pull up in front of Host’s house on the corner)

Host: (With a smudged face and frazzled hair, pauses while lighting a pinwheel as Police Officer approaches) Hello, Officer – would you like some potato salad, or orzo?

Police Officer: No thanks: we just spoke with your adjacent neighbors and told them what I’m telling you now: normally we leave all this be, but with all four of you setting off fireworks at the same time right next to each other, you’re gonna have to stop before you burn the neighborhood down.  Plus all your other neighbors say the competing music’s too dang loud.

Host: Ah.  (Sets down the candle lighter) I suppose you’re here to confiscate the rest of the goodies, then.

Police Officer: You suppose correctly.  (Host assists Police Officers with loading the remaining fireworks into the four cars)  Enjoy your barbecue.  (The cars drive away)

Host: (Stares after the departing cars) Didn’t even wish me a Happy 4^th.

Guest 6: It’s not the 4^th yet.

Host: We’re clearly observing it today!  (Returns to the backyard where the rest of the guests are eating sides and dessert, walks over to the boombox, and slams the power button; the sudden silence reveals that no music is playing from the other yards, either) Well folks, the fireworks and music shows have ended for this year.

Guest 2: Good – we couldn’t see much up there anyway, and my ears will be ringing for the rest of the week.

(Neighbors 1-3 peer over their respective fences; Host walks to the back of the yard to be equidistant from each side)

Neighbor 1: They take the rest of your fireworks?

Host: Yeah – you?

Neighbor 1: Yeah.

Neighbor 2: Yeah.

Neighbor 3: Yeah.

(All four stare at each other for a few moments)

Host, Neighbor 1, Neighbor 2, and Neighbor 3: Worth it.

Story 492: Cat Corraller

(Outside a house on a residential street, Homeowner is chatting with Neighbor while holding the front door ajar)

Neighbor: Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for “live-and-let-live,” but if that kid’s moped-thing comes roaring down the street at 2:00 in the morning one more time, well – you’re gonna see some serious finger-wagging coming out of me, let me tell ya.

Homeowner: (Nodding quickly) Sure, OK, thanks for the warning, I’ve just gotta go back – (Turns to go inside when a gray streak flies past both sets of human legs) Oooohhhh, shooooooooooot!!! (Lets the door close and starts running after the blur)

Neighbor: Heh, what was that?

Homeowner: Darn cat got out again – I thought Lil’ Terror was safe in the den for the two minutes I was out here!  (Claps hands at several shaking bushes)

Neighbor: Yeah, they escape anything, those mini-Houdinis

Homeowner: (Dives behind one of the bushes just as Lil’ Terror flees around the corner of the house; pops head up while spitting out leaves) You’re tellin’ me!  (Runs around to the side of the house) Sweetie-pie!  Come back here!

Neighbor: (Following the two around the lawn) Whelp, you’ll never be able catch creatures like that by chasing `em  - they’re much too fast and wily.

Homeowner: (Dives again, almost getting a whisker; Lil’ Terror zooms under another neighbor’s fence) Well, I don’t know what else to do; silly thing’s gonna keep on running and won’t be able to find the way back home, the dolt!

Neighbor: (Takes out a phone and makes a call) Leave it to me: I know someone perfect for the job....

(Within five minutes, a van pulls up to the front curb; the logo on the side reads “Cat Corraller: Professional Feline Herder.”  The uniformed driver emerges carrying a kit, a fishing rod, a carrier, and a butterfly net)

Cat Corraller: (To Neighbor, waiting by the street) You rang?

Neighbor: (As they walk to the side of the house) Yeah: the fur parent’s over there.  (Points to Homeowner who is up a tree “Pspspsps”-ing while leaning over the fence)

Cat Corraller: (To Homeowner while opening the kit) The target’s no longer on your property, then?

Homeowner: (Turns suddenly to Cat Corraller) Huh?  Oh, yeah, Lil’ Terror’s off in the neighbor’s yard, looking for… something that apparently can’t be found here.

Neighbor: No one’s home to open the gate, either – should we break it down?

Cat Corraller: No need.  (Pulls out a package of treats and sets up the butterfly net to receive; gesturing to the treats) These usually do the trick.

Homeowner: Oh right; mine are inside.

Cat Corraller: (Starts shaking the bag of treats loudly) Oh Kitty, what’s this I have in my hands?

Homeowner: (Still up in the tree, peers over the fence again) Yes!  Go to the treats, Lil’ Terror, go!

(A gray streak emerges from under the fence and barrels toward Cat Corraller)

Cat Corraller: Got ya, you little – (The gray streak snatches the bag out of Cat Corraller’s hand and zooms around the corner of the house) Ah.  We’ve got a slippery devil here.

Homeowner: (Climbs down the tree and joins the other two) What just happened?!

Cat Corraller: (Squints thoughtfully in the direction of the gray streak) That, is one who has transcended the evolutionary ladder and is able to outmaneuver interspecies apex opponents.  However – (Opens the kit to retrieve heavy-duty gloves) I do relish a challenge.

(The three humans slowly round the corner of the house and see the cat lying in the middle of the driveway, having ripped open the treat package and devouring the crunchies within)

Cat Corraller: (Whispers to the other two) Right – this is perfect.  We can triangulate the wee pain-in-the-patootie.  (Points to Homeowner) You: approach from the north.  (Points to Neighbor) You: approach from the south.  (Points to self) I: approach from the east.

Homeowner: But what if Lil’ Terror goes west?

Cat Corraller: Then you two go west, too!  Simple geometry!

(The three creep up on the snacking kitty; Lil’ Terror continues eating until the others are a foot away, then instantaneously abandons the bag to dash through the gap in their formation and disappear in a hedgerow as Homeowner and Neighbor dive and miss)

Cat Corraller: That was ineffective triangulation there, folks. 

Homeowner: (Wailing from the ground) We’re trying our best!

Neighbor: Yeah, and by all rights I shouldn’t even have to be doing any of this.

Cat Corraller: No cause to fret: we just need a new plan.

(An hour later, Lil’ Terror strolls back through the hedgerow, sniffs the place in the driveway where the treats are no longer, then strolls onto the empty front yard and stops to nibble on some grass; attention is caught by a twitching cloth sardine that is several feet away.  The cat, licking lips, slowly begins stalking the sardine, body low, ears back, and rear end wriggling.  When Lil’ Terror leaps to pounce, the sardine is snatched away and reeled in across the law toward the house.  The cat runs after the sardine on a fishing wire, which is pulled in through the house’s open front door.  Lil’ Terror runs inside, straight into the arms of Homeowner as Neighbor slams the door shut from the outside.  In the living room, Cat Corraller finishes reeling in the sardine as Homeowner hugs the cat tightly)

Homeowner: Oh you silly, silly baby!  You gave me quite a scare there!

Cat Corraller: (Packing up gear) Aye, they do that to ye.  Here.  (Hands over the cloth sardine to Homeowner; Lil’ Terror starts gnawing it) On the house.  It’s got catnip inside, so it may come in handy for potential future round-ups.

Homeowner: Thank you so much, you’re a life-saver!

Cat Corraller: All in a day’s work.  Here’s also my bill.  (Hands over a large invoice) I took the liberty of writing this up as we lay in ambush.

Homeowner: Oh, right.  (Takes the paper while still holding the cat and scans the line items) This is quite a bit.

Cat Corraller: It was quite a bit of effort.

Homeowner: (Shakes head decisively) No matter – (To Lil’ Terror, now drooling over the sardine) worth every penny, aren’t you, sweetums?  (Back to Cat Corraller) You take a credit card?

Cat Corraller: I prefer cash.

Neighbor: (Entering through the side door) Whew!  That was certainly an exciting afternoon, but I sure am glad it’s all over now!  (A gray streak goes past Neighbor’s legs just before the door closes.  All three stare at the spot for several moments)

Homeowner: (With now-empty arms, hands the invoice back to Cat Corraller) You may want to add a few lines to this.

Cat Corraller: To be expected - `tis the nature of the business.

Story 466: The Drawbacks of Working From Home

(Seated at the kitchen table in a condo, Employee attends a video conference through a laptop)

Manager: So, how’re you finding your first day working from home?

Employee: (Wearing a formal shirt, pajama pants, and slipper socks) It’s been… an adjustment, but I think I’m getting the hang of it.  After decades in retail and offices, the quiet here is a nice change.  Especially since I don’t have any, you know, offspring to run interference with every five seconds.

Manager: (Hangs up on a ringing phone) Yeah.  Well, if it ever gets too quiet for you, your desk here is always available until Corporate finally decides to throw out half the office equipment.

Employee: Thanks, but not having to commute to The City anymore is another nice change.

Manager: You’re telling me.  (Yells at someone off-camera) I don’t care: we’re all working Thanksgiving this year, you hear me?!  (Turns back to Employee) Now, describe your newfound freedom to me completely so I can almost pretend it’s my life.

Employee: Uh, you sound busy so I’m gonna let you go…. (Moves mouse to end the session)

Manager: (Grabs the sides of the computer and zooms forward to the screen) No!  Wait!  I need to live vicariously through you some more!  Take me with you – !  (Is cut off by the session ending)

Employee: (Resuming work) Yeesh – glad I got out of there.

(Works for several minutes, then joins another video conference.  Soon after that starts, the sounds of leaf blowers, lawn mowers, and chainsaws arise from all around the development)

Coworker: 1 (Onscreen) You got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Stares at the open front windows) Sorry about that – be right back.  (Walks into the living room and closes the windows, but the noise increases as the workers get closer; Employee returns to the conference) Better?

Coworker 1: No – now it sounds like they’re slicing your place in half.

Employee: OK, let me see.  (Goes back to the living room, opens the window, and leans out) Hey fellas, could you work on another area of the property for about 15 minutes, please?

Lawn Service Rep: (Lowers chainsaw a smidgen) We’d love to, but the next building over already asked us the same thing, sooo.... Yeah.  They got dibs.  (Raises the chainsaw again and continues decapitating bushes)

Employee: (Closes the window, returns to the table, and puts on a headset) How’s that?

Coworker 1: Much better.  You’re lucky you’re not having work being done inside the place – there’d be no getting away from that pandemonium.

Employee: Well, I was planning on having the bathroom redone.

Coworker 1: Don’t.

(A few hours later, Employee is typing away at a good pace when there is a resounding crash from the ceiling)

Employee: (Reflexively ducks down) What in the world?!  (More crashes shake the ceiling; Employee springs out of the chair, grabs shoes and keys, and trots down the breezeway and upstairs to the unit directly above.  Employee then knocks loudly at the front door in order to be heard over the crashes and the now-blasting music.  The noises stop right before the door opens to show an extremely fit occupant wearing workout clothes)

Resident 1: Whaddya want – I’m in the middle of a film shoot.

Employee: Hi!  I moved in 10 years ago but we’ve never met; I live in the unit directly below yours and work from home –

Resident 1: So do I: got a workout channel.  (Hands over a business card)

Employee: (Stares at the card for a few moments) That’s… great, I’ll have to check it out – meanwhile I’m gonna have to ask you to tone it down, please.

Resident 1: You new to working from home?

Employee: Um, yeah; today, actually.

Resident 1: Been doing it for three years, so to answer your question, no.

Employee: “No”?

Resident 1: No.  (The two stare at each other) You can leave now.

Employee: OK…. (Wanders off in a haze)

Resident 1: (Yells after Employee) And make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe” when you’re on my channel!  (Slams the door, and the music and crashing resume)

(Employee dazedly returns to the unit downstairs and resumes work with the new audio accompaniment, eventually chair dancing to the music.  Several minutes later there is a knock on the door)

Employee: (Now using the headset for a phone call) Can I put you on hold for a minute, please?  Got someone at the door.

Coworker 2: Lunch?

Employee: No!  Hold on.  (Goes to the door and yanks it open) Yes, hello?

Resident 2: Hi – you working from home now?

Employee: Ummmmm, yesssss, that’s a bit intrusive, how did you know?

Resident 2: Your car never left the lot.

Employee: Stalk much?!

Resident 2: Listen, I normally make it a principle never to talk to anyone here, but I have to ask: do you mind not using your Wi-Fi from about 10-3 during the week, huh?

Employee: …What?!

Resident 2: It’s no big deal on weekends, but weekdays I’ve got things to do and now you’re taking up all the bandwidth.

Employee: It’s my signal!

Resident 2: Yeah, but it wasn’t like you were using it half the time until now; all those Internet waves were just going to waste!

Employee: I’m changing my password!  (Slams the door shut)

Resident 2: (Through the keyhole) Hey, no fair, just because your life circumstances changed, the rest of us have to suffer?

Employee: (Freezes, then turns back and flings open the door again) “Rest of us”?!

Resident 2: (Blinks a few times) Gotta go.  (Runs down the breezeway past someone holding an open laptop who then slinks away after locking eyes with Employee)

Employee: (Slams the door again and returns to the kitchen table) Unbelievable!

Coworker 2: I’ll say: you’d better check your bank account and credit cards to make sure they’re not compromised.

Employee: Ah!  Sorry-I’ll-have-to-call-you-back!  (Finally disconnects the call and slumps in the chair, then springs up again within a minute as back-up beeps of multiple trucks fill the skies.  The phone also rings through the computer as the trucks’ air brakes loudly deploy and idling engines resound throughout the parking lot) HELLO – YES – HELLO?!

Manager: Ouch, I can hear you fine – you got a party going on in there?

Employee: (Walks into the living room to stare at the massive activity out the window) NO, BUT I THINK MY DEVELOPMENT DECIDED TO RELOCATE ALL THE BUILDINGS HERE TODAY!

Manager: What?

Employee: THERE ARE 300 TRUCKS OUTSIDE AND PEOPLE EVERYWHERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE OR WHAT THEY’RE DOING!

Manager: That stinks.  Check your mail lately?  They probably sent you a notice about this.

Employee: NO!  AND CAN YOU HEAR THAT?!  THEY’RE RUNNING MACHINES JUST EVERYWHERE, WHY, WHY?!

Manager: (Answering 10 e-mails at once) Hm.  Sounds rough.

(There is a repetitive banging on the ceiling)

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) You mind keeping it down in there?  I’m trying to edit the video and you’re ruining the sound mixing!

Employee: (Looks up) I’M RUINING – ?!  BUZZ OFF!!!

Resident 2: (Muffled voice) Rude.  (Stomps away)

Employee: (Back to the call) IS THIS MY LIFE NOW?!  PEOPLE BARGING INTO MY SPACE ALL DAY EVERY DAY?!  WILL I NEVER HAVE A MOMENT’S PEACE IN MY OWN HOME EVER AGAIN?!

Manager: You know, you’re always welcome to come back to the office here –

Employee: I respectfully decline.