(In a suburban backyard, there are USA flags, red-white-and-blue streamers, Declaration of Independence replicas, and barbecue everywhere; family and friends make merry and completely take over the inground pool, hot tub, swing set, patio furniture, and cornhole boards while party music plays on a boombox)
Guest 1: (Reclined on a deck chair next to Guest 2 while keeping an eye on three children playing hide-and-seek in the pool) I agree that making Juneteenth a federal holiday was long overdue – the problem is, my job doesn’t count it as one of the few paid holidays we get. I mean, what if I wanted to go to a barbecue that day, hm?
Guest 2: …I think you’re missing the point.
Guest 1: Probably. (Sits up abruptly to yell at the children in the pool) Knock it off!
Guest 3: (In the pool) Why, what’d we do?!
Guest 1: You know what I told you: no horseplay while you’re in the pool –kittenplay only!
Guest 3: But how do we know what’s horseplay in here?!
Guest 1: By the volume of water being displaced, now go back to doing laps until I tell you to stop!
Guest 3: Aw, nuts. (The three children start doing laps around the pool, angling away from the inner-tubers and others lounging about)
Guest 1: (Lies back on the chair) I tell ya – these kids’ll drive you to drink. (Sips from a funky glass filled with pink lemonade)
Guest 2: I’ll say; glad mine are all grown up and have their own kids to worry about now.
Guest 4: (Yelling across the backyard to another group of three children) HEY! (The children look up simultaneously) Do NOT drink from that hose! (The children blink once, then lean down simultaneously to drink from the hose) I’M COMING OVER THERE! (The children drop the hose and flee shrieking as Guest 4 chases after them)
Guest 2: (To Guest 1) Yep: Life’s sweetest revenge.
(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the music in the backyard; Host rushes out from the kitchen and hops onto a large rock to lean over the back fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which is a mirror image of the current backyard in terms of pool, patio, accessories, and guests)
Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 1 and waves) Hey!
Neighbor 1: (Waves back from watching a mini-soccer tournament, then walks over to the fence) Hey there, neighbor! Happy 4th of July!
Host: Same to you – listen, could you lower your music a bit, please? It’s drowning out ours.
Neighbor 1: Oh, sure. (Gestures to a guest to turn down the music a bit) But I gotta warn you, everyone else on the block’s having their party today, so I think we’re all going to be drowning each other out at some point.
Host: What?! I thought I was the only one having mine five days early! Why is no one having their party actually on the 4th this year?!
Neighbor 1: Well, let’s face it: who wants a summer barbecue and late-evening hijinks on a Tuesday?
(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other two players; Host runs to the left fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over the side fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror image of the other two yards)
Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 2 and waves) Hey!
Neighbor 2: (Floating serenely on a pool raft while surrounded by splashing chaos) Hey; `sup?
Host: Could you turn down your super-loud music so we all can hear our own, please?!
Neighbor 2: Not possible, my friend: got at least three relatives who’re hard of hearing, and this is the volume where they like it.
Host: Oh. Never mind then, I guess.
Neighbor 2: Much appreciated…. (Floats away on a rippling wave as 10 children cannonball into the pool)
(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other three players; Host runs to the right fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over the side fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror image of the other three yards)
Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 3 and waves) Hey!
Neighbor 3: (Focused intently on an active barbecue grill) Hi – can’t talk now, got the burgers on. Need to keep track which ones are medium-rare and which ones are well-done.
Neighbor 4: (Standing next to Neighbor 3) They’re all done well, honey.
Neighbor 3: Thanks babe, but you know this is an unforgiving crowd.
Host: Can one of you please turn down your music just a bit so we all can hear our own at our parties that we all decided to hold at the exact same time?!
Neighbor 3: (Carefully starts flipping burgers) Well, that’s the thing: everybody’s sound systems are so dang loud, I need mine to block all of them out so I can concentrate. (Freezes in horror) I flipped five of these too early! (Frantically flips them back)
Host: (Using index finger and thumb to demonstrate) Maybe turn the dial just a tad, just a smidgen –
Neighbor 3: (Finally looks up at Host to wail) GO AWAYYYYY!!!!!!
Host: (Drops back down behind the fence) Yikes.
(Suddenly, fireworks and firecrackers go off above Neighbor 1’s backyard; one lands in Host’s pool and fizzles out)
Kids: YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!
Neighbor 1: (Peers over the fence) Whoops – everyone OK?
Guest 1: (Having run over to the children and grabbed the firework to fling it out of the water and onto the concrete) NO! I mean yes, but NO! What do you think you’re doing?!
Host: (Hops back onto the rock on that side of the fence) Yeah, it’s not even sunset yet, come on!
Guest 1: (To Host) You mean, “Don’t set those off in the backyard right next to another house,” don’t you?!
Host: Yeah, that too! (Turns to Guest 5 standing next to a pile of fireworks near the house and motions for them to be moved to the front yard)
Neighbor 1: Well, that’s hours away and this party needs some livening up what with the quieter music and all, so I figured, “Why not now?” Got enough to go non-stop for 12 hours anyway, so no harm.
Neighbor 2: (With raft still attached, peering over the fence) You setting off fireworks now? Great idea!
Host: No it is not! Now is not the time of day for fireworks, it’s the time of day for eating!
Guest 6: (Comes up to Host) Sorry to interrupt: you want me to turn on the grill so everyone can start eating soon?
Host: NOT NOW! (Guest 6 immediately turns around and makes a beeline to the dwindling potato chip bowl)
Neighbor 3: (Peers coldly over the fence) I’d like to inform all of you that your shenanigans have completely ruined my burgers. (Other guests from that party also peer coldly over that side of the fence)
Host, Neighbor 1, and Neighbor 2: (All point at each other) They started it!
Neighbor 3: (Pours every ounce of contempt into the word) Neighbors. (Lowers back down behind the fence, along with guests; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks start going off overheard)
Host: (To Neighbor 1) See what you started!
Neighbor 1: Hey, you started it with the loud music first; the rest of us have to look out for our own!
Neighbor 2: And for once, I was having no stress this year – now that that’s spoiled, I’m gonna start setting off my fireworks, too! (Lowers back down behind the fence; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks start going off overhead)
Neighbor 1: Party on! (Lowers back down behind the fence; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks resume going off overhead)
Host: Fine! If you all insist on being immature, irresponsible, thoughtless, careless hooligans, then there’s no point in me not being one either! (Hops off the rock and stomps over to the relocated fireworks, passing Guest 6 on the way)
Guest 6: Food…?
Host: Tell everyone to eat all the sides and skip to dessert – we’re doing fireworks now!
Guest 6: But that’s six hours ahead of schedule.
Host: (Arranges the fireworks and the hose in the driveway and street and grabs a candle lighter) Nobody cares anymore!
(Fireworks fill the sky over that part of the neighborhood, although much of the effect is lost due to the bright afternoon sun; other neighbors come out to watch in concern until four police cars pull up in front of Host’s house on the corner)
Host: (With a smudged face and frazzled hair, pauses while lighting a pinwheel as Police Officer approaches) Hello, Officer – would you like some potato salad, or orzo?
Police Officer: No thanks: we just spoke with your adjacent neighbors and told them what I’m telling you now: normally we leave all this be, but with all four of you setting off fireworks at the same time right next to each other, you’re gonna have to stop before you burn the neighborhood down. Plus all your other neighbors say the competing music’s too dang loud.
Host: Ah. (Sets down the candle lighter) I suppose you’re here to confiscate the rest of the goodies, then.
Police Officer: You suppose correctly. (Host assists Police Officers with loading the remaining fireworks into the four cars) Enjoy your barbecue. (The cars drive away)
Host: (Stares after the departing cars) Didn’t even wish me a Happy 4th.
Guest 6: It’s not the 4th yet.
Host: We’re clearly observing it today! (Returns to the backyard where the rest of the guests are eating sides and dessert, walks over to the boombox, and slams the power button; the sudden silence reveals that no music is playing from the other yards, either) Well folks, the fireworks and music shows have ended for this year.
Guest 2: Good – we couldn’t see much up there anyway, and my ears will be ringing for the rest of the week.
(Neighbors 1-3 peer over their respective fences; Host walks to the back of the yard to be equidistant from each side)
Neighbor 1: They take the rest of your fireworks?
Host: Yeah – you?
Neighbor 1: Yeah.
Neighbor 2: Yeah.
Neighbor 3: Yeah.
(All four stare at each other for a few moments)
Host, Neighbor 1, Neighbor 2, and Neighbor 3: Worth it.
