Story 564: Where Is That Mystery Smell Coming From?

             (In an apartment)

Resident: (Wakes up with a start and turns head sharply toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table) Oh no, I’m late for work!  (Flies out of bed, dresses in a flurry, and slaps the “Radio” button while washing face and brushing teeth)

DJ 1: (Voice) – and as we commemorate this year's Veterans Day by showing our appreciation to members of the military, please remember that no banks or post offices will be open, but some of us still had to get up at 3 in the morning to put on this nonsense show –

DJ 2: Just stop.

Resident: (Slaps the “Radio” button again and flies back into bed, fully dressed) Ah yes, Veterans Day, an actual day off for me: thank you for your service…. (Folds hands and closes eyes, drifting off back to sleep)

HOURS LATER

Resident: (Wakes up slowly, turns head toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table, and flies out of bed again) Oh no, how could I have slept this late?!  The day is gone, all gone!  (Skids to a stop in the hallway) Wait a minute, why do I care what time it is?  I’m not going anywhere, and nobody needs me.  (Resumes with a stroll, enters the kitchen, then suddenly stops and sniffs wildly around the air) What – [SNIFF] is – [SNIFF] that??!!  [SNIIIIIFFFFF] Oh no, did I finally get a carbon monoxide leak and the whole building’s gonna blow up and it’ll all be my fault?!  (Eyes shift around with a new thought) But the alarm hasn’t gone off.  (Runs to the alarm on the ceiling and uses a broom handle to activate the “Test” button)

Alarm: Testing: This is EXTREMELY LOUD –

Resident: (Jamming the button again and tossing aside the broom) Good, I’m covered.  Guess it couldn’t hurt to air out the joint a little.  (After a few minutes of struggling with the stuck windows, Resident opens them all the way and takes a deep breath) So that’s what outdoors smells like, huh.  (Returns to the kitchen and is knocked back slightly by the odor) Oh, please don’t tell me I’m going to find some creature finagled its way in here and expired, I just can’t take it!  (Opens a junk drawer, flings through piles of business cards, pounces on one, and dials the numbers in a cell phone) Now’s a good time to try this new one – I hope….

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER

(There is a knock on the apartment’s front door; Resident checks the peephole first and then opens it)

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID, then raises an eyebrow at Resident wearing a surgical face mask) That bad, huh?

Resident: (Voice is muffled) You have no idea – I’ve torn the kitchen apart trying to find the source and I think I just made it angry instead.  (Holds out a mask to Tech) Speaking of which, you might want to wear one of these.

Tech: Thanks, I’m good: when it comes to this type of situation, I am an expert mouth breather.  (Resident leads Tech to the kitchen, where the refrigerator has been moved into the middle of the room and all the cabinet drawers and doors are open; Tech is momentarily taken aback when reaching the smell) Whoa.  On second thought…. (Starts to reach out for the mask, then snatches hand back and shakes head) No; no, I’m a professional: I can handle this unaided.  (Sets down a tool bag, braces self, and starts sniffing the kitchen methodically)

Resident: (Points up) It seems to be concentrated around the ceiling.

Tech: (Looks up) Interesting.  You got a step ladder I can borrow?  If you don’t, I can grab something from the truck.

Resident: Oh no, you can use this.  (Goes into the coat closet and whips out a telescoping ladder)

Tech: Handy.  (Climbs up to the ceiling with the tool bag, then uses a screwdriver to take a vent cover off the wall) Hm.

Resident: “Hm” good or “Hm” bad?

Tech: (Turns to look down at Resident) I don’t think this… odor, is you.

Resident: I should think not!  I bathe every day!

Tech: No, I mean – I don’t think it’s coming from your apartment.

Resident: Oh.  You think some poor creature is lodged between units, trapped in an unfathomable horror, begging for the end, then?

Tech: No!  I think the smell’s coming from another unit.

Resident: Really?  That’s a relief.  So I trashed my kitchen for nothing, huh?

Tech: (Reattaches the vent cover and climbs down the ladder with the tool bag) Pretty much.  How well do you know your neighbors?

Resident: …Define “know”.

Tech: Are you on good terms with them?

Resident: We’re… aware of each other’s existence…

Tech: Can we go next door and talk to them to straighten this out, if they’re home?

Resident: (Blinks slowly) “Talk to them”?

Tech: (Mildly exasperated) Well, unless you want to get the landlord involved –

Resident: NO!

(At the door of the apartment on the other side of the kitchen wall, a now mask-less Resident knocks while waiting with Tech)

Neighbor: (Opens the door wearing a heavy duty apron, gloves, and goggles) Yes?

Resident: (Swallows) H-hi, we’ve never actually met, but I think we passed on the stairs once –

Neighbor: Yeah, you’re the weirdo next door with the super-loud radio.

Resident: (Mouth drops open) Well – I – never – !

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID) There seems to be an odor transmitting from this apartment to the next, and it possibly could be from something dangerous – have you noticed any unusual smells today?

Neighbor: No.  (A small explosion is heard from inside the apartment)

Tech: You mind if I come in for a few minutes and check for a possible gas leak?

Neighbor: Yes.

Resident: Great, thanks!  (Starts to move forward but Tech holds out an arm to block the way and shakes head)

Neighbor: Yes I do mind – what is wrong with you?

Resident: Sorry; it’s such an awkwardly-phrased question that I forget “No” is the answer I want.

Tech: (To Neighbor) I’m legally obligated to call the gas company and fire department if I suspect there’s a leak.

Neighbor: I thought you were the gas company.

Tech: No, I’m a specialist.

Neighbor: In what?

Tech: Weird things.

Neighbor: Well, nothing weird’s going on here, so go away.  (Another small explosion is heard; Neighbor leans back momentarily to look) And that’s just great: the whole thing’s evaporated and now I’ve got start all over again.

Resident: (Leans in and sniffs) It actually smells kind of nice in there.

Neighbor: You bet it does – now go back to your smelly apartment before you infect mine!  (Slams the door in their faces)

Resident: So, that was a bust – now what?

Tech: (Thinks for a few moments, then looks up) Have you ever met your neighbors upstairs?

Resident: (Also looks up) I have neighbors upstairs?

(They walk up one floor and go to the apartment directly above Resident’s; the odor is exponentially magnified there)

Tech: (Choking) Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot.  (Bangs on the door)

Resident: (Eyes tearing while looking up and down the hallway) No one else here has said anything about this?

Tech: Would you have if you hadn’t called me?

Resident: Probably not.

Tech: (Bangs on the door again) Hello, anyone home?

Resident: I actually think maybe this floor’s abandoned.

Tech: Really?

Resident: I haven’t heard anything above me in years: no footsteps, no voices, no showers, no flushing; it’s been wonderful.

Tech: (Rattles the doorknob) How fast does your landlord answer calls?

Resident: (Wiping eyes with a tissue) Huh?

Tech: We need to open the door.

Resident: Oh.  Last time I called I think it took a week before the message was even checked, but I could be off by a few days.

Tech: Right: desperate times.  (Takes several items out of the tool bag and picks the lock)

Resident: Ooh, I wish I could do that – for purely academic reasons, of course.

(Tech ignores Resident and opens the door to disaster)

Resident and Tech: Whoa!

Tech: (Quickly closes the door) That looks like it’s been decaying for decades!  You only just now started smelling something?!

Resident: I have a very bad sense of smell.

Tech: (Places the tools back into the bag) Yep: I’m done here – call your landlord and tell `em I’m giving 24 hours for this to be reported to… everyone, or I’ll do it myself.

Resident: Oh…. Do I really have to get involved in all this?

Tech: (Stares at Resident in disbelief) Yes!  You live here, you found this, you have to report it!  You can’t just walk away like you don’t know and pretend nothing’s happened!

Resident: …Welllll, technically….

Tech: You know, if I was an awful person, at this point I’d tell you to go ahead and live with the mold, bacteria, and rot that’s going on up here, and when your ceiling inevitably collapses in on you, don’t come crying to me!

Resident: But you’re not an awful person.

Tech: (Sighs) No.  (Takes out a cell phone) Give me your landlord’s number: I’ll call on your behalf and take care of everything, for extra-extra-extra fees on your bill; happy?

Resident: Sweet.  (Takes out a cell phone, looks through a contact list, and gestures to Tech to hand over the phone in order to enter the number) You’re the best – I just hate confrontations – and making phone calls – and interacting with people in general.

Tech: With that much social anxiety, I’m surprised you even called my company at all.

Resident: To be honest, with the way things are going, I was half-hoping they’d send over a robot instead.

Tech: (Resignedly looks off into the distance) That’s not as far off into the future as I’d like….

Story 523: Moving Shortcut

             (In a ground floor apartment)

Tenant: (Stretched out on the living room couch with a laptop and speaking on a cell phone) I know you would like the project done by this afternoon, but I’m about to disillusion you of your unfeasible dream…. Not possible – earliest will be next Tuesday, and that’s being unreasonably optimistic…. (Picks up a drink that was sitting on the floor next to the couch, slurps through the straw, shakes head, and sets the drink back down) This isn’t me being difficult; this is reality asserting its dominance over your fantasy of an automated human workforce…. And I’m sure you can be replaced by A.I. as well, but – (A resounding CRASH! is heard outside the living room window; Tenant jumps in the seat and nearly drops the phone and the laptop) Holy all-the-curse-words-I can-think-of!  (Sets aside the laptop to get off the couch) ….I have no idea!  I’ll have to call you back…. When I have time!... `K boss; bye.  (Ends the call and tosses the phone onto the couch, then peers through the window to see a giant, broken wardrobe sitting on the common lawn in front of that section of apartments) What in the world – ?  (A dining room table CRASH!es next to the wardrobe and splinters apart) A crime!  I’m actually witnessing a crime in progress!  (Several movers approach from the parking lot and start breaking apart the furniture and hauling away the pieces; Tenant opens the window and sticks head out) Hey!  Did a moving truck get sucked up into a tornado and explode overhead?

Mover 1: (Pauses the disassembly) Sorry?

Tenant: What on Earth is going on here?!

Mover 1: Oh, your upstairs neighbor moved away so we’re just cleaning out the place.

Tenant: By cannon?!

Mover 1: Huh?

Tenant: You can’t just fling furniture out the window to get rid of it!

Mover 1: Why not?

Tenant: (Sputters) Be-be-because it’s dangerous!

Mover 1: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system.

Mover 2: (Above them on the upstairs neighbor’s balcony) Heads-up!

Mover 1: (Looks up briefly, then back down to Tenant) Excuse me.  (Steps aside along with the other movers as a refrigerator crashes nearby) See?

Tenant: Argh!  (Slams the window shut, runs outside to where the movers are, and looks up to Mover 2 on the balcony above, who is about to toss a piano overboard) HEY!

Mover 2: Oh hey, what’s up?

Tenant: You can’t be throwing furniture off the balcony, you could hurt somebody!

Mover 2: Oh no, it’s OK; we got a system.  (To the movers below) Heads-up!  (They step aside as Mover 2 hauls up the piano)

Tenant: (Holds up arms) Whoa-whoa-wait-stop!

Mover 2: (Rests the piano on the balcony railing)Yeah, sure, what’s up?

Tenant: No more throwing enormous objects to the ground!  Use the stairs to bring down stuff like a decent human being!

Mover 2: Yeah, we thought of that, but this way’s faster.  (Tips the piano over the railing and it CRASH!es to the ground to the tune of all the notes)

Tenant: (Cringes with arms flung overhead during the crash) What is wrong with you?!

Mover 2: (Stretches arms and back) I think I’m all good, but thanks for asking.  (Goes back inside the apartment)

Tenant: (Nearly hopping with rage) Ooooooohhhhh!!!

Mover 1: (As the others cart away the broken furniture) That was it for us today – we’ll toss the bed and entertainment system tomorrow.

Tenant: No-no-no!  No more tossing!  You could’ve hurt one of my neighbors!  Or me!

Mover 1: Nobody’s been around here for the last half hour, and you were indoors until now.

Tenant: Not the point!  Someone could’ve walked by and been hit by furniture debris – you can’t account for everything!  (Sees the others getting into a truck parked next to the dumpster) And you can’t just leave all that garbage piled next to the dumpster!

Mover 1: Why not?  It’s garbage.  (Leaves as Mover 2 walks by carrying a laundry rack)

Mover 2: (To hyperventilating Tenant) See you tomorrow, yeah?  (Tosses the rack onto the furniture pile and climbs into the truck)

Tenant: (Quivering in helpless fury as the truck drives away) …I’M TELLING!

THE NEXT DAY

(Tenant is working on the laptop again, but instead of being spread out on the couch is seated in a chair keeping watch with binoculars at the living room window when the cell phone rings)

Tenant: (Turns away from the window to answer the call) WHAT?!... No, I haven’t started working on that yet, it’s been raining furniture around here lately and I’m on guard for when the next storm shows up!... Well, not much seems to make sense to you, does it!  (There is a knock at the door) …Great, they probably came back and you made me miss them in action, thanks a lot!... (Stands and walks to the door) …Yes, I know my annual employee evaluation is due this week; I fail to understand its relevance to this conversation.  Speaking of which – (Ends the call, throws the phone onto the couch, and flings opens the door) YES?!

Owner: Hi – I own the unit above yours and got a call from the association that you submitted a complaint about furniture being dropped outside your window?

Tenant: YES?!

Owner: Well, I’d like to apologize on their behalf – I’m taking care of the mess and it won’t happen again.  I heard you were very, very, very upset, and I wanted to smooth everything over so we stay on good terms.

Tenant: (Blinks several times) No worries – lucky for you, I’m a very easygoing person.

Story 503: Can’t Remember What I Forgot to Remember

(In an apartment kitchen, Resident is on the phone while making a sandwich)

Resident: I know I’m in my 40s in a dead-end job with no actual chance of ever finding real meaning in my life, but if I want to spend my days off exactly the same way I did as a kid – lying around reading comic books and playing video games – then I see no reason to alter the formula for my joy if it’s working, don’t you agree?... Well, that’s your life now isn’t it, so stop telling me how to live mine!  (Freezes on seeing a note on the refrigerator that screams “DON’T FORGET!!!”) Listen, something came up, I gotta go…. Yeah, see you at the board meeting at Corporate tomorrow, bye.  (Ends the call, puts the phone on the counter, and gingerly takes the note off the refrigerator to stare at it) Hmmmm…. Wish my past self had thought to add details….

(Several hours later, Resident answers the phone in the bedroom while sitting on the floor, surrounded by a pile of laundry)

Resident: (Flinging clothes around during the conversation) Oh hey, what’s up?...Little busy right now…. Well, you know when you tie a string around your finger so that you’ll remember something but when you see the string you forgot the reason why you tied it in the first place?... I don’t mean you personally, I – forget it: bottom line is, I left a note to myself to remember something and now I forgot what it was I was supposed to remember so I’m trying to retrace my steps from the day I think I wrote it…. No, I just wrote “DON’T FORGET!!!” on it…. Yes, I know also writing the reason on the same piece of paper would’ve been the smart thing to do – would you like to go back in time and tell me that?!... You’d be snippy too if you can’t remember what you forgot to remember!... That sentence is not redundant, good-bye!  (Ends the call and flings the phone into the laundry pile, then stares at the mass blankly) Great – what was I doing?!

(Several hours later, Resident answers a knock on the door after checking the peephole)

Resident: (Looking extremely disheveled) Yes?  How can I help you?

Neighbor: Hi, I actually wanted to check whether you needed help.

Resident: What for?

Neighbor: Well, I keep hearing loud crashes and things being slammed through my ceiling, so I figured I’d come up here and make sure you were OK.

Resident: No you didn’t: you came up here to tell me to knock it off.

Neighbor: True, but the polite version of that.  (Peers around Resident and sees belongings strewn about everywhere) Did one of those recent tornadoes pop in here?

Resident: No, Nosy, I’m having a memory crisis and I’m trying to figure out why I wrote a note to myself to remember something when I didn’t write down what that was so now I’m going through all my stuff until my brain finally wakes up and retrieves the memory it was supposed to hours ago so I can actually enjoy my day off!

Neighbor: Wow.  That’s rough.

Resident: No kidding!

Neighbor: Was your note maybe next to the thing you’re supposed to remember and maybe that’s why you didn’t write it down?

Resident: I – (Clamps jaw shut and looks off to the side in remembrance, then back at Neighbor) Hold on.  (Walks to the refrigerator, locates the now-blank area where the “DON’T FORGET!!!” note had been attached, and see to the right of it a photo of a sunny summer day with an inspirational quote about enjoying life to the fullest plastered all over it.  Resident stares at that for several moments, then slowly walks back to Neighbor) It appears I had thought it necessary to remind myself to enjoy my day off today.

Neighbor: Oh.  Guess this is one of those times where we’re our own worst enemies, eh?

Resident: To put it mildly.  Now I just wish I could forget this ever happened.

Story 499: Dueling 4th of July Parties

(In a suburban backyard, there are USA flags, red-white-and-blue streamers, Declaration of Independence replicas, and barbecue everywhere; family and friends make merry and completely take over the inground pool, hot tub, swing set, patio furniture, and cornhole boards while party music plays on a boombox)

Guest 1: (Reclined on a deck chair next to Guest 2 while keeping an eye on three children playing hide-and-seek in the pool) I agree that making Juneteenth a federal holiday was long overdue – the problem is, my job doesn’t count it as one of the few paid holidays we get.  I mean, what if I wanted to go to a barbecue that day, hm?

Guest 2: …I think you’re missing the point.

Guest 1: Probably.  (Sits up abruptly to yell at the children in the pool) Knock it off!

Guest 3: (In the pool) Why, what’d we do?!

Guest 1: You know what I told you: no horseplay while you’re in the pool –kittenplay only!

Guest 3: But how do we know what’s horseplay in here?!

Guest 1: By the volume of water being displaced, now go back to doing laps until I tell you to stop!

Guest 3: Aw, nuts.  (The three children start doing laps around the pool, angling away from the inner-tubers and others lounging about)

Guest 1: (Lies back on the chair) I tell ya – these kids’ll drive you to drink.  (Sips from a funky glass filled with pink lemonade)

Guest 2: I’ll say; glad mine are all grown up and have their own kids to worry about now.

Guest 4: (Yelling across the backyard to another group of three children) HEY!  (The children look up simultaneously) Do NOT drink from that hose!  (The children blink once, then lean down simultaneously to drink from the hose) I’M COMING OVER THERE!  (The children drop the hose and flee shrieking as Guest 4 chases after them)

Guest 2: (To Guest 1) Yep: Life’s sweetest revenge.

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the music in the backyard; Host rushes out from the kitchen and hops onto a large rock to lean over the back fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which is a mirror image of the current backyard in terms of pool, patio, accessories, and guests)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 1 and waves) Hey!

Neighbor 1: (Waves back from watching a mini-soccer tournament, then walks over to the fence) Hey there, neighbor!  Happy 4^th of July!

Host: Same to you – listen, could you lower your music a bit, please?  It’s drowning out ours.

Neighbor 1: Oh, sure.  (Gestures to a guest to turn down the music a bit) But I gotta warn you, everyone else on the block’s having their party today, so I think we’re all going to be drowning each other out at some point.

Host: What?!  I thought I was the only one having mine five days early!  Why is no one having their party actually on the 4^th this year?!

Neighbor 1: Well, let’s face it: who wants a summer barbecue and late-evening hijinks on a Tuesday?

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other two players; Host runs to the left fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over the side fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror image of the other two yards)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 2 and waves) Hey!         

Neighbor 2: (Floating serenely on a pool raft while surrounded by splashing chaos) Hey; `sup?

Host: Could you turn down your super-loud music so we all can hear our own, please?!

Neighbor 2: Not possible, my friend: got at least three relatives who’re hard of hearing, and this is the volume where they like it.

Host: Oh.  Never mind then, I guess.

Neighbor 2: Much appreciated….  (Floats away on a rippling wave as 10 children cannonball into the pool)

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other three players; Host runs to the right fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over the side fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror image of the other three yards)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 3 and waves) Hey!         

Neighbor 3: (Focused intently on an active barbecue grill) Hi – can’t talk now, got the burgers on.  Need to keep track which ones are medium-rare and which ones are well-done.

Neighbor 4: (Standing next to Neighbor 3) They’re all done well, honey.

Neighbor 3: Thanks babe, but you know this is an unforgiving crowd.

Host: Can one of you please turn down your music just a bit so we all can hear our own at our parties that we all decided to hold at the exact same time?!

Neighbor 3: (Carefully starts flipping burgers) Well, that’s the thing: everybody’s sound systems are so dang loud, I need mine to block all of them out so I can concentrate.  (Freezes in horror) I flipped five of these too early!  (Frantically flips them back)

Host: (Using index finger and thumb to demonstrate) Maybe turn the dial just a tad, just a smidgen –

Neighbor 3: (Finally looks up at Host to wail) GO AWAYYYYY!!!!!!

Host: (Drops back down behind the fence) Yikes.

(Suddenly, fireworks and firecrackers go off above Neighbor 1’s backyard; one lands in Host’s pool and fizzles out)

Kids: YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Neighbor 1: (Peers over the fence) Whoops – everyone OK?

Guest 1: (Having run over to the children and grabbed the firework to fling it out of the water and onto the concrete) NO!  I mean yes, but NO!  What do you think you’re doing?!

Host: (Hops back onto the rock on that side of the fence) Yeah, it’s not even sunset yet, come on!

Guest 1: (To Host) You mean, “Don’t set those off in the backyard right next to another house,” don’t you?!

Host: Yeah, that too!  (Turns to Guest 5 standing next to a pile of fireworks near the house and motions for them to be moved to the front yard)

Neighbor 1: Well, that’s hours away and this party needs some livening up what with the quieter music and all, so I figured, “Why not now?”  Got enough to go non-stop for 12 hours anyway, so no harm.

Neighbor 2: (With raft still attached, peering over the fence) You setting off fireworks now?  Great idea!

Host: No it is not!  Now is not the time of day for fireworks, it’s the time of day for eating!

Guest 6: (Comes up to Host) Sorry to interrupt: you want me to turn on the grill so everyone can start eating soon?

Host: NOT NOW!  (Guest 6 immediately turns around and makes a beeline to the dwindling potato chip bowl)

Neighbor 3: (Peers coldly over the fence) I’d like to inform all of you that your shenanigans have completely ruined my burgers.  (Other guests from that party also peer coldly over that side of the fence)

Host, Neighbor 1, and Neighbor 2: (All point at each other) They started it!

Neighbor 3: (Pours every ounce of contempt into the word) Neighbors.  (Lowers back down behind the fence, along with guests; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks start going off overheard)

Host: (To Neighbor 1) See what you started!

Neighbor 1: Hey, you started it with the loud music first; the rest of us have to look out for our own!

Neighbor 2: And for once, I was having no stress this year – now that that’s spoiled, I’m gonna start setting off my fireworks, too!  (Lowers back down behind the fence; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks start going off overhead)

Neighbor 1: Party on!  (Lowers back down behind the fence; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks resume going off overhead)

Host: Fine!  If you all insist on being immature, irresponsible, thoughtless, careless hooligans, then there’s no point in me not being one either!  (Hops off the rock and stomps over to the relocated fireworks, passing Guest 6 on the way)

Guest 6: Food…?

Host: Tell everyone to eat all the sides and skip to dessert – we’re doing fireworks now!

Guest 6: But that’s six hours ahead of schedule.

Host: (Arranges the fireworks and the hose in the driveway and street and grabs a candle lighter) Nobody cares anymore!

(Fireworks fill the sky over that part of the neighborhood, although much of the effect is lost due to the bright afternoon sun; other neighbors come out to watch in concern until four police cars pull up in front of Host’s house on the corner)

Host: (With a smudged face and frazzled hair, pauses while lighting a pinwheel as Police Officer approaches) Hello, Officer – would you like some potato salad, or orzo?

Police Officer: No thanks: we just spoke with your adjacent neighbors and told them what I’m telling you now: normally we leave all this be, but with all four of you setting off fireworks at the same time right next to each other, you’re gonna have to stop before you burn the neighborhood down.  Plus all your other neighbors say the competing music’s too dang loud.

Host: Ah.  (Sets down the candle lighter) I suppose you’re here to confiscate the rest of the goodies, then.

Police Officer: You suppose correctly.  (Host assists Police Officers with loading the remaining fireworks into the four cars)  Enjoy your barbecue.  (The cars drive away)

Host: (Stares after the departing cars) Didn’t even wish me a Happy 4^th.

Guest 6: It’s not the 4^th yet.

Host: We’re clearly observing it today!  (Returns to the backyard where the rest of the guests are eating sides and dessert, walks over to the boombox, and slams the power button; the sudden silence reveals that no music is playing from the other yards, either) Well folks, the fireworks and music shows have ended for this year.

Guest 2: Good – we couldn’t see much up there anyway, and my ears will be ringing for the rest of the week.

(Neighbors 1-3 peer over their respective fences; Host walks to the back of the yard to be equidistant from each side)

Neighbor 1: They take the rest of your fireworks?

Host: Yeah – you?

Neighbor 1: Yeah.

Neighbor 2: Yeah.

Neighbor 3: Yeah.

(All four stare at each other for a few moments)

Host, Neighbor 1, Neighbor 2, and Neighbor 3: Worth it.