(On a deserted road through the woods during twilight, Friend 2 drives with the high beams on and white knuckles on the steering wheel)
Friend 1: (Snacking on potato chips in the passenger seat) – and the worse it gets at work, the more I wish I could leapfrog ahead to retirement; but then I think, “What if this is the time in my life where I’m at my peak?”
Friend 2: (Scanning the road for sudden deer) Huh?
Friend 1: I mean, what if this point in my life is the best it’s ever gonna be? As in, I’ll never be in better health, my family and friends are all in handy reach, my financial debt is… manageable, I don’t have weirdos stalking me, most of my free time’s spent doing stuff I actually wanna do, that sort of thing! Flash forward 30 – or let’s be realistic, 40 – years, I can finally stop dragging myself five days a week to a place I don’t want to be and deal with people I don’t want to talk to, BUT – I’ve been paralyzed by a stroke, or nearly all my family and friends are gone or hate me, or I have to live with the worst roommate ever just to have a roof over my head, or I’m, you know, bored!
Friend 2: (Glancing at the car’s navigation system) Oh thank goodness the entrance is coming up. (Signals to turn onto a creepy overgrown drive)
Friend 1: (Looks out the window at the menacing trees evilly silhouetted by the red setting sun) No one ever wants to hear the truth.
(They park near several other cars in a gravel lot in front of a huge, run-down castle situated next to a fast-food restaurant; each take an overnight bag out of the car’s trunk and walk up a large set of stairs to the castle’s front door; Friend 1 slams the demon’s-head knocker mightily, three times)
Friend 2: I didn’t realize there were castles like this in the U.S. – it looks more like we’re in Romania or something.
Friend 1: (Rubbing at a spot of flaking paint on the door) Never underestimate the whims of rich people.
Friend 2: (Bobbing in place while waiting) So, think we’ll see any actual ghosts this weekend?
Friend 1: We’d better. Although they hedged their bets by saying the history of the place and the setting and the mold and the mildew and whatever will be more of the experience, but I fully expect to be tormented by lost souls and screaming ghouls or by gum, someone’s going to hear about it.
Friend 2: (Sighs) I don’t doubt it.
(Caretaker opens the door with a wide smile)
Caretaker: Hello! Welcome to The Haunted Castle [Trademarked] – come on in! (Leads Friends 1 and 2 into the entranceway and lets the giant door boom shut behind them) You’re the last of our guests to arrive, so I’ll bring your bags to your room while you join the others in the great hall.
Friend 2: (As both clutch their bags to their chests) That’s OK, we can hold onto them.
Caretaker: Suit yourselves.
(They enter the great hall and head over to a roaring fireplace where three other guests are seated)
Friends 1 and 2; Guests 1-3: Hi.
Caretaker: (Gestures to two empty chairs while sitting in large armchair) Pop a squat. (Still clutching their bags, Friends 1 and 2 sit) Now, this is just a brief get-together so you all know who’ll be staying with you in this massive fortress – otherwise you can spend the entire weekend wandering about the place without seeing each other once.
Friend 1: (Quietly turns to the side) Yessssss!
Guest 1: You mean “without seeing another soul,” don’t you, wink-wink?
(Friends and Guests 2 and 3 politely chuckle)
Caretaker: I don’t follow.
Guest 1: …Never mind.
Caretaker: (Distributes keys and maps) Now, most of the excitement’ll be later, but for the nonce simply enjoy this labor-intensive fire here, grab a quick dinner from the sideboard over there (Points to the sideboard), and get a quick nap in before I transform into a werewolf at midnight and the hunt begins. (Heaves out of the armchair and shuffles to other end of the great hall)
(Friends and Guests stare at each for a few moments)
Friend 1: (Leaps out of the chair, still holding the overnight bag, and runs after Caretaker; Friend 2 and Guests follow) Excuse me!
Caretaker: (Turns to Friend 1 and smiles benignly) Yes, dearie?
Friend 1: Uh, not sure how to put this, but my friend and I made a reservation for The Haunted Castle –
Caretaker: Yes?
Friend 1: To be blunt, the description of the place quite clearly mentioned ghosts. The kind that make books fall of the shelf and loud winds moan down a hallway, stuff like that.
Caretaker: (Frowns slightly) Oh. I see the Web site’s not been updated, again. (Expression clears) Well, fact is, a medium came here about a year ago and helped the ghosts settle their unfinished business, so they all cleared off.
Guest 2: What?! I specifically came here to be harassed by frustrated phantasms!
Guest 3: Yeah, if this place is now just a dingy old safety hazard then I want my money back!
Caretaker: Relax, duckies, you’ll get your money’s worth: when the ghosts left the company recruited me to do the scaring, so you’ll be taken care of, don’t you worry. (Pats Friend 1 soothingly on the arm)
Friend 1: (Shrugs off hand) We didn’t sign up for a werewolf attack! We signed up for passive horror!
Guest 1: Yes, this is supposed to be a relaxing screamfest!
Caretaker: As a matter of fact, you all did sign up for a werewolf attack – says so in your final agreement and liability waiver.
(Friends and Guests all take out their cell phones, access their e-mail, and scroll through the agreement and waiver)
Friend 1: Huh, whaddya know, it does say “werewolf” – several times.
Friend 2: You told me to just sign it `cause you’d read it and it was fine!
Friend 1: The headings appeared to be in order. (To Caretaker) By the way, I’ve always wondered: what exactly does “indemnify” mean?
Guest 2: (Groans while reading) I can’t believe this! We waive the right to sue if we suffer loss of limb or LIFE!
Guest 3: Or property! (To Caretaker) You are not getting your literal paws on my shoes – I will rip them to shreds myself first!
Guest 1: And not for nothing, if you call a place “haunted” that means ghosts should be here!
Caretaker: Not necessarily: you can be haunted by the living just as easily as by the dead. `Sides, they couldn’t change the name of the place, it’s trademarked. (The others all start talking at once) Dearies, please, don’t spoil the weekend. Let me show you to your rooms, you go get some sleep, and I’ll be sure to give you plenty of howls before I start comin’ after ye, one-by-one. (Starts gently herding the group to the main staircase)
Guest 1: Forget that – we’re outta here! (Grabs Guest 2’s hand and they run to the front door; they struggle to turn the handle but the door refuses to budge)
Caretaker: (Chuckling) Now, now, don’t strain yourselves: we’re on lockdown till 2 p.m. Sunday.
Friends and Guests: WHAT?!
(Guest 1 runs to a window and tries to shake it open; failing that, Guest 2 grabs a vase and prepares to throw it through the glass)
Caretaker: (Moves like lightning to Guest 2 and grabs the vase) Oi! You break anything and we have the right to sue you!
Guest 2: Argh! (Sits down on the floor and fumes)
Friend 2: (Quietly to Friend 1) Want to risk it?
Friend 1: Normally I’d say yes, but I have a feeling I’d wind up slicing an artery instead.
Caretaker: (Sets the vase back down on a table and beams at the group) Now! Anyone for hot cocoa before turning in? (The rest all look at each other, then Friend 1 raises a hand) Splendid!
(Friend 1 still is drinking the cocoa as Caretaker leads both to their room)
Caretaker: (After Friend 2 unlocks the door and they all enter) As promised: twin beds, full bath, free Wi-Fi, starting up the fireplace’ll cost you extra, and a perfect view of the full moon that’s calling to me as we speak.
Friend 1: (Sets the empty mug down on a random table and hurries Caretaker out of the room) Lovely, marvelous, well done, I’m sure we’ll see you later, bye! (Slams the door and puts on all the locks; to Friend 2) You wouldn’t happen to have any silver bullets handy, would you?
Friend 2: (Glares) Even if I had a license to carry a gun, why on Earth would I have silver bullets to load it with?!
Friend 1: Just checking. (Goes to the window and opens it) Huh. Thought we were on lockdown?
Friend 2: (Looks out and down) It’s a hundred-foot sheer drop!
Friend 1: Guess the owners don’t want us to suffocate before we’re torn apart by our host. (Leaves the window and flops face-down onto one of the beds)
Friend 2: What are you doing?!
Friend 1: As recommended: taking a nap before the games begin.
Friend 2: How can you even think of sleeping right now?! I’m freaking out!
Friend 1: (Talking into the pillow) Oh relax: go fill a spray bottle with water and just squirt our furry friend in the face after the door’s broken down.
Friend 2: Un-believable. (Begins stacking furniture in front of the door as Friend 1 snores)
11:59 P.M.
(Friend 2 shakes Friend 1 awake)
Friend 1: Hm? Am I late for work?
Friend 2: (Whispering) Ssh – you wish! Here. (Carries a fireplace poker and holds out another one to Friend 1)
Friend 1: (Grudgingly takes it while yawning and scootching out of the bed) Fine, but I seriously think you’re overreact – (Is cut off by several loud, long howls)
(Friends 1 and 2 stare at each other, then at the door)
Friend 2: (Whispering even softer as they assume a defensive stance facing the door) Next time we go away for a long weekend I’m booking the place, understand?!
Friend 1: Oh, like you’ve never had a reservation changed on you before!
Friend 2: They sent you an e-mail about it!
Friend 1: And who has time to read?!
(They
clam up as the sounds of a heavy tread and soft growls approach their door)
TO BE CONTINUED
