Announcer:
And here is our host, Ivy “League” Weeding!
Ivy:
(Wearing workout clothes, scythe in hand, standing in a field) Hello
everyone. Thank you for joining me in strengthening
your bodies, your minds, and most important of all, your pitiful pantries. I will be blunt: you’re watching this show
because all your workout regimes have failed.
The walking five miles every day before sunrise, the kickboxing yoga,
the giant-tire tossing, the Channel-swimming – all were useless garbage that
have failed you for the last time, plus they were boring as all out. Now, I offer you a beacon of hope: an
activity that is not just a workout, but a way of life. Today, I will show you how to transform
yourselves by transforming the Earth, seizing and wresting life from within the
heart of it just as God must once have done.
So, pick up your scythe, find yourself an empty field, and let’s begin
our journey into –
[Title Card: BETTER
LIVING BY EXTREME GARDENING]
(Cut
to: Ivy clearing out a portion of the field)
Ivy:
(Speaking between swings) On your first garden – (Swing!) – you should clear
out a plot just large enough – (Swing!) – to match your current abilities – (Swing!)
– and your requirements for your kitchen table.
(Swing! Swing! Swing!)
(She pauses to wipe sweat off her brow) One acre by two acres should be
sufficient for beginners.
(Cut
to: Ivy working on the cleared-out section with a hoe)
Ivy:
Now, I always recommend that garden plots be given a final comb-through with
at least a half-dozen sheep – (She gestures with her head off to her left: the
camera pans over to reveal said sheep, chewing away) – but nothing beats
getting into the literal dirt by using a good old-fashioned hoe. Yes indeed, you really get a full-body
workout by vigorously hoeing away – (Stands suddenly) – that doesn’t sound
right at all; make sure you edit out that last bit, yeah?
(Cut
to: Ivy pushing a plow)
Ivy:
(Slightly out of breath) Once cleared of all that pesky natural growth, it’s
almost time to impose your will completely upon the helpless soil. (Gets stuck for a moment; her feet scramble
in place until the plow moves again) No need to impress our animal brethren into
working our machines when the whole point is to improve our own bodies, hm? (Slips and falls onto the ground, then makes
a “Cut!” motion with her hand)
(Cut
to: Ivy running up and down rows, scattering seeds into the new troughs)
Ivy:
(As the camera skittishly follows her) Here’s where the magic happens: the
miracle of creation, in the palms of our hands!
Right now I’m planting string beans, and I have never felt more
fulfilled in my entire life! (The camera
stops following her and tilts down, with the sound of strained breathing heard)
Just lie down and keep the lens facing this way!
(Cut
to: Ivy doing push-ups as she scoots across each row)
Ivy:
As you can see – (push and scoot) – the dirt will be packed more firmly – (push
and scoot) – and your arms and abs will benefit more greatly (push and scoot) –
using this method – (push and scoot) – however much more time – (push and
scoot) – it may take. (She spins around
onto her back to do crunches) You also can switch it up – (scoot) – albeit in a dirtier way –
(Cut
to: a panorama of the planted field; the camera then pans down to Ivy, who is
covered in dirt and prone on the ground in front of the garden)
Ivy:
(Faintly) At last, your routine is complete for the entire season: all you have
to do is maintain this horde of treasure and your now-iron muscles with regular
weeding. (A nearly inaudible voice from
off-camera is heard) If you’re wondering about watering your new kingdom, (She
raises her arms above her) that is all taken care of by the very sky above us. (The nearly inaudible voice is heard again;
she drops her arms back to her sides) I’ve just been informed that there is
little to no rain here at this time of year.
(She springs up off the ground) Perfect!
On to our supplemental course: “Increased Toning by Building Your Own
Irrigation System”!
