Story 397: Make Sure You Appreciate the Moment, Dangit!

 (At a family get-together, family members get together around a long dining room table in the only house that can fit everyone)

Head of Family: (Raises a glass to signal others to do the same) I’d like to take this moment to say, it’s great to see you all here today, and even though we have dinners like this for every major holiday we celebrate, we should never take each other or occasions like this for granted.

(Relative 1’s mouth drops open in mid-pasta-chew)

Relative 2: Hear, hear!

Relatives: Cheers!

Head of Family: Wait, I wasn’t finished yet!  (Relatives pause mid-sip) Soooo… umm….

Relative 3: Don’t take anything for granted?

Head of Family: Right!  Yes!  Don’t.  Bottom line: appreciate moments like this when we’re all together, and eating good food, and listening to that one over there’s work stories for the 88^th time –

Relative 4: Heh?

Head of Family: Love you all!  (Raises glass higher) Now you can cheer.

Relatives: Cheers!  (Everyone downs their drinks and then dives into the food)

Relative 3: (Sitting next to Relative 1) Something wrong with your dish?

Relative 1: (Had been staring into the middle distance) What?  No, it’s just – it’s finally sinking in that I don’t truly appreciate things as much as I should.

Relative 3: (Begins eating) Well, when you think about it, who really does?

Relative 1: Lots of people!  And I thought I did, but it’s suddenly crashing in on me that, dinner-in, dinner-out, I just assume this pasta will always be there, and always taste delicious.

Relative 5: Aw, thank you!

Relative 1: (Points to Relative 5) See!  I don’t think I’ve properly thanked you for cooking us all dinner at these things in over 30 years!

Relative 5: It’s my pleasure – but it’s nice to hear every once in a while, too.  (Glares at the rest of the table)

 Relative 1: (Back to Relative 3) And I just shovel this food into my mouth, and don’t take the time to truly appreciate the flavor, or the work in making it, or the fact that we all can meet together like this and for the most part actually like each other, or the overwhelming love in this room!

(The other Relatives have stopped eating and now are staring at Relative 1)

Head of Family: Hey – don’t make this weird.

Relative 1: Sorry.  (Sheepishly starts eating again)

Relative 3: (As everyone else resumes the meal) I’m sure you’re fine; I wouldn’t worry much about whether you’re showing your gratitude enough, m’kay?  (Definitively turns away and begins talking with Relative 5)

Relative 1: (Whispers to the pasta) Too late….

(At a theater several days later, Relative 1 is leaning forward in the seat with wide-open eyes, taking in as much of the spectacle on stage as possible until intermission)

Relative 1: (Looks around as the house lights brighten and the entire theater stands up to go find the restrooms) Wait, I’m still trying to absorb the entire experience but my mind keeps jumping ahead to work tomorrow!

Theater-goer: Relax; it’ll start again in 15 minutes.

Relative 1: The curtain never goes up on time!

(At a retail store the next day, Relative 1 stands in a trance behind the cash register counter)

Coworker: (Walks over to Relative 1) Hey, what’s up with you?

Relative 1: (Still staring at the opposite end of the store) Oh, just taking it all in that I’ve been working here for almost five years, and it really is a nice environment to spend 40+ hours a week in, even when there’s an overwhelming amount of tasks and some customers just can’t help trolling us and some managers misplace their wrath on their beleaguered subordinates, you know.  (Looks at Coworker) You’re pretty cool to work with, did I ever tell you that?

Coworker: Uh, thanks, but I came here to give you a heads-up that you-know-who called out again so you’re going to have to cover the entire back half of the store in addition to the registers tonight.

Relative 1: Son of a – no, no, that is not the attitude I should be taking toward this situation.  Instead, I should view this as a stimulating challenge that I will ably conquer and look back upon fondly 10 years from now, when this era magically transforms from “The Annoying Times” to “The Good Old Days.”

Coworker: Hey, whatever works; I’m just riding this place out until graduation.  (Goes on break)

Relative 1: (Turns back to face the chaotic store and smiles as a line of customers materializes) You do you.

(In a dentist’s office the next day, Relative 1 is sitting in The Chair)

Dentist: (Holds X-rays up to the light) As you can see, years of failing to properly brush and floss combined with all the sugar you consume regularly have accumulated into the massive amounts of decay on every last one of your teeth – I’m going to have to put in fillings everywhere if there’s to be any hope of saving them, and even then it’ll be 50-50 for the molars.

Relative 1: (Grins wildly with rotten teeth) Pain, expense, added daily hygiene routines, possible bone loss: this is a valuable experience that I will endure stoically and later brag about to friends and enemies alike.  Drill away, Doc!  (Lies back on The Chair and opens mouth wide in a silent yell of triumph)

Dentist: (Mutters) Weirdo.  (Begins drilling enamel)

(At home the next day, Relative 1 is sitting on an armchair holding an ice pack against one side of the mouth when the phone rings)

Relative 1: (Speaking with swollen everything) Hi?

Relative 3: Hey, heard about your massive number of fillings – how’re you feeling now?

Relative 1: Could be better.  I’m actually just sitting around, contemplating my blessings of basic good health, loving family, comfortable life, etc., etc.

Relative 3: Oh, you’re still on that kick?  You know, you can appreciate life and all that, but if you keep focusing so much on trying to appreciate single moments it seems like you’re actually going to miss out on the things you’re trying to appreciate in the first place.

Relative 1: …Eh?

Relative 3: Don’t take anything too far, is what I’m saying.  Otherwise I’m going to spend Thanksgiving distracted seeing you zone out all over the place.

Relative 1: But how else am I gonna appreciate life to the utmost fullest?!

Relative 3: I don’t know; spot-check it, I guess!  And in the spirt of the topic, I’m going to appreciate my life more by ending this conversation now – bye.  (Hangs up)

Relative 1: (Sets down the phone and leans into the ice pack more) I just wish I could tell whether I’m appreciating the moment in the right amount.

Story 396: I Totally Remember What I’m Supposed to Give for Father’s Day

 (Relaxing on a hammock in the backyard, Dad answers a ringing cell phone)

Dad: Oh hi, what’s up?

Friend 1: Can’t a loving child call their father for no reason?

Dad: They can, but I’m going to see you tomorrow anyway so your call today piques my curiosity.

Friend 1: Yes, well, seeing as that’s Father’s Day and all, in the hustle-and-bustle of restaurant reservations and driving logistics and what-not, I realized I forgot to ask what you’d like as a gift.

Dad: No you didn’t.

Friend 1: What’s that?

Dad: You didn’t forget, you asked me when you had dinner here a few weeks ago, and I’d said then all you had to give me was –

Friend 1: Oh right, that!  Of course I remember, hustle-and-bustle, I was just testing you!  Silly.

Dad: Listen, it’s OK if you forgot, there’s a lot going on and we all have our moments as we get older –

Friend 1: Nope!  No, this isn’t a moment – I remember everything perfectly – I’ll go get to it right now – byeeeeee!!!  (Disconnects the call and flees out the front door)

Dad: (Stares at the phone in concern) Oh dear.  I hope this doesn’t become a whole thing; it’s my day, after all, by gum.

(Meanwhile, Friend 1 drives to the local mall and tears through it in a tizzy with all the other last-minute Father’s Day shoppers)

Friend 1: (Plowing through a crowd in a bookstore) Outta my way!  (Scanning the displays) Military history?  True crime?  Biography?  Sci-fi Romance?  How could I have lived with this man the entire first half of my life and not know what he likes?!  (A thought hits the cranium) Oh – maybe he actually said he wants a new wallet.  (Plows through the crowd to the nearest department store and scans the displays)  Leather?  Pleather?  Or did he really want a tie instead?  (Feels a tap on the shoulder and spins around) What are you doing here?

Friend 2: I could ask you the same thing: you never go to the mall.

Friend 1: Well, I’m just like everyone else here today, another victim of holiday panic-shopping – you?

Friend 2: I had to order my gift and pick-up was today.

Friend 1: Why didn’t you just ship it home?

Friend 2: I like to support my local superstore.  Need any help picking out something?

Friend 1: Nope!  No, I know exactly what I’m getting; just trying to decide on size – color – shape – molecular structure –

Friend 2: Did you forget what he asked you to get him?

Friend 1: …I am neither confirming nor denying that.

Friend 2: You can ask him again, you know; he’ll understand.

Friend 1: But I won’t!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: I can’t have forgotten something like this, it’d just be so stupid!  So I’m going to keep looking at random objects until the memory obediently bobs back up to the surface of my drowning brain and I can snag that sucker once and for all!

Friend 2: Or you could confess all and get him a generic gift card.

Friend 1: Never!

 FATHER’S DAY

(At a restaurant, Dad, Mom, and Friend 1 have brunch)

Dad: I think I’m going to go all out today and order French toast and a Western omelet.

Mom: Go right ahead: it’s a holiday, so the stomach pains don’t count.

Dad: Good point – maybe some of that will be to-go.  (Nods at a large bag on the floor by Friend 1’s chair) So, what’ve you got there, sport?

Friend 1: Well, I was thinking, since your birthday and other gift-giving holidays’ll be here before you know it, why not just skip the wait and give them all to you now?  (Dumps various-sized wrapped presents onto the table) Happy Everything, Dad!

Dad: Wow, that’s swell, thank you!

Friend 1: You’re welcome!  (Slumps slightly in relief)

Dad: (Grabs a present and begins unwrapping it) You do know, since the three of us hadn’t eaten out together in so long, all I’d asked you and your mother for today was a nice Sunday brunch, right?

Mom: (To Friend 1) You were very vocal in your relief at the lack of effort involved.

Friend 1: (Eyes widening in final remembrance) I’m starting to recall such a conversation occurring.

            Dad: (Puts on the tie he unwrapped and grabs another present) It’s OK – you’re young yet, so it’s only downhill from here, kiddo.

Friend 1: (Starts to reach out to take back the present) Well wait, we should save these for later this year then –

Dad: (Holds present to his chest) Nope!  No, I’m opening these now, this is my day!  You’re set for the rest of the year.

Friend 1: But I can’t not get you anything when those days come up, I’ll feel like I forgot again!

Dad: Don’t make this a whole thing!

Story 395: You’ll Get Your Money… When I Finally Remember to Bring It

 (Friend 1 is lounging on the couch, reading a magazine featuring scandalous misdemeanors, when the phone rings)

Friend 1: Hi, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at home) Hey, I’m trying to order the Manly Men concert tickets and the first hundred rows are already sold out!

Friend 1: Bummer.  How long ago’d they go on sale?

Friend 2: About two minutes!

Friend 1: What?

Friend 2: The best seats I can get right now are in the middle of the second upper mezzanine – no, wait, those are gone, too….

Friend 1: Just pick any seats and bill me later – at this point I don’t care where we sit as long as the price is not pushing $1,000 and the view is neither partially nor fully obstructed.

Friend 2: (Clicking the mouse wildly) OK, OK, I think I got something halfway decent, and now it’s counting down for me to enter payment or they’ll release the seats again, ooh, the pressure!

Friend 1: I’m hanging up so you can concentrate – text me my total.  (Disconnects the call and reimmerses in the magazine) Hm, thought that dude just wanted to land on Mars; didn’t realize they wanted to relocate it….

 THE NEXT DAY

 (Friend 1 and Friend 2 meet at a café for lunch)

Friend 2: Sooo, I managed to snag seats in the last row left orchestra – I apologize in advance if the only reason those were available is because everyone else knows they’re the worst.

Friend 1: I don’t really care – it’ll be nice having no one directly behind us screaming in our ears, and an easy exit to boot.  Maybe we can sneak out during the last encore and beat the crowds –

Friend 2: ABSOLUTELY NOT!  (Friend 1’s eyes widen) Sorry – this is my one obsession in life.

Friend 1: You’re allowed.

Friend 2: You get my text with your share?

Friend 1: Oh yeah – (Looks at the cell phone) You want check or cash?

Friend 2: Can’t you just transfer it to my account?

Friend 1: Please: you’re lucky I even have a smartphone.  Check or cash is all I do, unless you take a credit card.

Friend 2: I’m not a business so, no.  Check is fine.

Friend 1: Great!  I’ll have it next time I see you.

 THE NEXT TIME THEY SEE EACH OTHER

 (On a park trail)

Friend 2: – and then I said, “Just because you messed up the project, how is this now my problem?”, and then –

Friend 1: (Stops short on the trail) Oh, shoot!

Friend 2: (Also stops, looking around quickly) What, what?  Is it deer hunting season already?

Friend 1: No, I just remembered I had the check all ready for you and I forgot to bring it with me!

Friend 2: The check?  Oh, for the concert ticket?

Friend 1: Yes!  It’s still sitting on the kitchen counter, where I left it so I wouldn’t forget it!

Friend 2: No big deal; you can give it to me later.

Friend 1: It’s dated for today!

Friend 2: So?  I’m given 90 days to deposit it, or the funds go back into your account anyway.

Friend 1: But it feels all wrong.

Friend 2: You’ve got a lot of hang-ups.

 THE NEXT TIME THEY SEE EACH OTHER

 (At an amusement park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 stand on line for a roller coaster)

Friend 1: This ride’d better be worth it – my line-waiting limit is two hours.

Friend 2: You’re generous: we’ve been here for a quarter of that and I’m two seconds away from marching over to that stand and demanding a lemonade.

Friend 1: I refuse to throw away time invested – uh-oh.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: I just realized I left the check on the kitchen counter again!

Friend 2: Oh, that?  Just get it on the way home tonight.

Friend 1: But I picked you up!  We’d have to go past your place to mine and then back again!

Friend 2: All right, then leave it for next time, it’ll keep.

Friend 1: Arrgggghhhhh….

Amusement Park Employee: Sorry folks, ride’s gotta shut down for repairs.

Friend 1: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!

Friend 2: Drama queen.

 THE NIGHT OF THE CONCERT

(Friend 2 arrives at Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: (Opens the door and holds out a check) Aha!  I’ve got it!  I’ve been holding this for the past three hours so I’d actually have it on me when I saw you!  And the timing couldn’t have been better since the show’s tonight – !

Friend 2: (Snatches the check and shoves Friend 1 out the door) That’s great, let’s go, I want to see my Men!

THE NEXT TIME THEY SEE EACH OTHER

(At a lake, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are kayaking leisurely)

Friend 1: You know, I’m not their biggest fan, but I do admire their vocals and choreography.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: And they have excellent stamina for their… well, you know… none of us are getting any younger, am-I-right?

Friend 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: (Turns back slightly to see Friend 2, also turning the kayak slightly) What’s up?  I thought you had a great time that night.

Friend 2: Huh?  Oh, I did, it was a blast, I’ll never forget it.

Friend 1: But…?

Friend 2: Uh, well, you remember that whole thing with the check for you ticket?

Friend 1: Yes, and I still feel the burning shame about the horrendous –

Friend 2: Yeah-yeah-yeah – I guess what I’ve been wondering about is, does your bank penalize your account for, I don’t know, a stop payment request for a check?

Friend 1: (Flatly) …Why.

Friend 2: I think I lost it.

Story 394: Accidental Super-Vision

 (In an inner room at an Ophthalmologist’s office, Patient sits in an exam chair and swings the freakish lens instrument back and forth in agitation until the doctor enters)

Ophthalmologist: (Carries a chart in one hand and closes the door with the other) Sorry for the wait – please leave the phoroptor alone –

Patient: (Stops swinging the instrument and starts bouncing a foot on the chair) Hi Doc, I know it’s backed up here with people’s unexpected issues and what-not, but five hours is a bit of a time commitment for just an annual exam, and I’ve gotta go be anywhere else but here so can I please leave nowwwww????!!!

Ophthalmologist: (Removing several printed images from the chart) Yes, about the exam –

Patient: (Half rising out of the chair) Everything looks all right – vision’s unchanged – literally see you next year – bye?

Ophthalmologist: Well…. (Points to one of the images) These spots are showing up now that weren’t there last year.

Patient: (Grabs the image and states at it for a few moments) So, bottom line: am I going blind in the next six months?

Ophthalmologist: No; it could be that nothing will ever happen with these either, but if you’re concerned about macular degeneration then you should start taking these multivitamins to slow down any possible damage that may – may, mind you – be happening.  (Hands Patient a list from the chart) And of course wear sunglasses when it’s bright out and eat healthy food and all that common-sense stuff.

Patient: (Briefly scans the list before shoving it into a pocket and running out the door) Great; just don’t try to sell me laser surgery yet; I already gave my co-pay at the front desk; bill my insurance company for the rest; byeeeee!!!! (Rushes to a very important appointment with a living room couch, a television episode, and lots of popcorn)

 THE NEXT DAY

(At a pharmacy, Patient wanders the multivitamin aisle)

Employee: Hello, do you need help finding anything?

Patient: Hi, yes, thank you – I need all the vitamins.

Employee: A multivitamin?

Patient: Yes!  That one.  Specifically for this.  (Hands over the list)

Employee: (Reads the notes) Oh, this is for eye care.

Patient: Yeah-yeah-yeah, I need the eye stuff, you guys got any?

Employee: (Brings Patient to another part of the aisle and points to part of a shelf) These are for eye health: I have to warn you that few are FDA-approved, but they say whether they are or not on the box – you also should check the ingredients to see if they match what you need.

Patient: (Grabs a few boxes to read them quickly, keeps one and shoves the others back onto the shelf) This’ll do – thanks for your help!

Employee: (Quickly peers at the box in Patient’s hand) Uh, this is for treating advanced macular degeneration – I thought your paper said this was more for prevention?

Patient: (Running toward the cashier) Po-tay-to, po-tah-to – it’s just vitamins, can’t hurt, right?

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (In an office, Coworker walks to Patient’s cubicle and watches the latter staring at the computer screen)

Coworker: Hey.

Patient: (Still staring at the screen) `Sup.

Coworker: You still working on that report I asked you for two days ago?  `Cause I really needed it two days ago.  I pushed it back with it being Memorial Day this week, but I’m pretty certain you were just recovering from a beach trip instead of any actual holiday observances.

Patient: What? (Looks at Coworker) Oh, right, sorry, got a bit distracted there.

Coworker: (Leans over to look at the screen) You’re not watching porn on that, are you?

Patient: What?!  No!

Coworker: Too bad – for a second I thought someone’d finally figured out how to do it.

Patient: No, it’s just – (Scootches chair over to Coworker, briefly looks around the office, and whispers) do you notice anything different… everywhere?

Coworker: Everything’s different every day.

Patient: No, I mean – (Waves a hand in the air) When you look around, do the… colors seem different to you lately?

Coworker: I’m color blind.

Patient: Ah, sorry, it’s just – (Points to the computer screen) when I look at that, or any screen now, I’m starting to see… more.  Like all these lines, and colors but not really colors, they’re… I don’t know how to describe them.

Coworker: (Laughs) What, you think you’re starting to see outside of the visible spectrum?

Patient: (Stands in realization) Yes!  That is exactly what I’m seeing!  I mean, even looking at you now, I can see your healed broken elbow, and your messed-up liver, and your really messed-up stomach, and your –

Coworker: (Holds hands to cover up body) Whoa there, this is skirting workplace harassment territory!  I think – it’s a little unprecedented.

Patient: Sorry, it’s just all soooo…. (Stares around the office in awe) beautiful.

Coworker: Are you on something?

Patient: Hm?  Oh, just some vitamins.  (Grabs the bottle off the desk and hands it to Coworker) My eye doctor recommended them to head off losing my vision down the road; you think maybe they’re the ones doing this?

Coworker: (Reads the label) These are really strong!  It says they’re for someone with advanced eye disease!

Patient: (Picks up a ringing cell phone and stares at the waves emanating from it) Yeah, so?

Coworker: So these are probably too strong for you if you don’t need them!

Patient: What’re you talking about?  It’s got the same stuff Doc told me to get.  (Takes the list from a pants pocket and hands it to Coworker)

Coworker: (Scans the list, then shakes the bottle at Patient) These have triple the amounts your doctor told you to get!

Patient: Oh.  I thought that meant I had to take three at a time then.

Coworker: Three at a – ?!  If anything, you should’ve taken a third of each!

Patient: Oh.  Well, math never was my strong suit.  (Suddenly looks into the distance) Ooh, another solar flare, neat!

Coworker: You should stop taking these right now, and you probably should go visit an emergency department or urgent care center to make sure you haven’t poisoned yourself!

Patient: What for?  A week ago I thought I was gonna go blind, and now I can see everything!  And I do mean everything.  (Leans toward Coworker conspiratorially) Do you know how many people on this floor are using the company’s Wi-Fi to gamble online as we speak?   A lot more than 0.

Coworker: Listen: from what you’re saying this could actually wind up damaging your eyes very badly, and maybe even your heart, and maybe even all your organs – please go see a doctor!

Patient: Ironically, seeing a doctor is what started all this.  (Thinks for a few moments) You know, I have a better idea.

Coworker: This is the only idea!

Patient: Hear me out: instead of spending hours and hours again waiting just to be given more bad news, I think I really have no choice but to become a superhero.

Coworker: …What?!

Patient: If I’ve been granted super-vision in place of no vision, then clearly I’m meant to save the world with it.

Coworker: (Sighs in defeat and hands the bottle and list back to Patient) Fine – could you at least send me that report I’ve asked you multiple times for before you take off to save humanity?

Patient: Oh right, sure!  (Darts back into the cubicle and sits at the desk) The literal vibes coming off this thing are starting to freak me out, though.  Oh, and before you go?

Coworker: Yes?

Patient: You might want to go see a doctor yourself about that fever you have going on – the infrared all around you is outta control!

Coworker: (Wipes sweating forehead) Forget saving the world: you can hire yourself out as a personal medical scanner.

Patient: Sweet!  Instead of being a superhero, I can be super-rich!

Story 393: Canning for Building Character

 (In the mid-afternoon, the high school Italian Club members meet in an empty classroom)

Advisor: Right: we’re all set for our museum and theater trip next month, so this Saturday is when you start canning outside the supermarket to raise money for your cultural development – make sure you’re either there on time or switch shifts with someone before that day, OK?  (The students nod) OK, have a good rest-of-the-afternoon with whatever homework or sports or other time-fillers you have, ciaaaaooooo!  (The students gather their belongings and gradually leave)

Student: (To Advisor) Um, actually, I was wondering if I could skip this Saturday.  And all the Saturdays, for that matter.  (Advisor stares at Student) Standing around for hours asking total strangers for money they can’t spare really isn’t my thing, you know?

Advisor: (Stares some more) You’re the Club President!

Student: A political maneuver I’ve regretted ever since.

 THIS SATURDAY

(Student stands outside the supermarket entrance, information table on the side to lean on, and can in hand)

Student: (Watches shoppers going into and out of the store, does not make a move) Yeah, they’re busy.

Shopper 1: (Pushing a full shopping cart while exiting the store, sees Student, sighs, and takes out a wallet) All right, what is it this time, Trap and Release Feral Fish?

Student: Italian Club.

Shopper: (Shoves a few bills into the can) Good luck gettin’ to Italy this way, kid.  (Leaves)

Student: (Stares down at the can) Ah, Italia….

Shopper 2: (Sees Student on the way into the store and stops) Listen, word of advice: you gotta get in people’s space with this thing, you know?  You gotta hustle, you gotta work for it, or else no one’s gonna give you squat!

Student: Huh?

Shopper 2: Shove that can in everyone’s face!  Demand that they give you money!  Don’t let them pass by without dropping at least $50 into the pot!  Follow them into the store!  Follow them to their car!  Don’t take “No” for an answer!  Make them fear your wrath if they don’t –

Shopper 3: (Pushing a shopping cart from the parking lot to the store entrance) Honey, what did I tell you about bothering strangers?  (Grabs the 8-year-old’s hand and continues to the store entrance; to Student) Sorry about that; we got a talker here.

Student: No worries.

(A store employee exits the building for a cigarette break)

Employee: (Glances at the information table and can) That’s rough.  I used to have do that for Scouts.  How I loathed it.

Student: You usually get a lot of donations when you did this?

Employee: (Shrugs while blowing smoke away from the table and store entrance) Depended on the day, the time, the crowds.  After a few rounds of standing here for eons, bored out of my gourd, one day I just stuck 20 singles in the can and spent the hour reading in the magazine aisle.  (Thinks for a bit) That might’ve been how I got hired here.

Shopper 4: (Walking to the store from the parking lot; to Student) Excuse me?

Student: (Holds out the can) Hi, yeah, wanna donate to enrich young adults’ minds?

Shopper 4: Actually, I was wondering if you could break a hundred?  (Waves a $100 bill)

Student: …I’m not allowed to open this.

Shopper 4: That’s OK, I’ll do it!  (Reaches for the can)

Employee: That better not be another fake hundred you’re trying to pass off here – we have your picture on the bulletin board.

Shopper 4: (Freezes) Well, to tell the truth – (Runs back to the parking lot)

Employee: (Tosses the cigarette into a receptacle; to Student) That one’s a regular nuisance – let the manager know if something like that happens again, m’kay?

Student: Sure, thanks.

Employee: No problem.  Good luck with this – (Nods at the table and can) I’ve gotta get back to the wonderful world of fondled produce.  (Re-enters the store)

Student: (Stares after Employee, then back at the table) Did I just see my future?

Shopper 5: (Pushes a shopping cart into the store without looking at Student) Don’t talk to me.

Student: (After Shopper 5 enters the store) Kind of wish they were all like that.

(Advisor drives up to the sidewalk and leans out the car window)

Advisor: Buon giorno!  Come stai?

Student: Eh.  (Shakes the nearly empty can) Not many takers.  Are you here to relieve me?

Advisor: What?  I’m just checking in – you’ve only been here for 10 minutes!

Student: Long enough to show this enterprise is a failure, don’t you think?

Advisor: Nice try: you’re staying here for your entire shift, and not a second earlier!  (Drives away)

Student: (Looks down at the can, then at the various shoppers entering and exiting the supermarket) I suppose this is a good character-building exercise – too bad it’s wasted on my apathy.

Story 392: Pre-Celebrity I.T. Webinar

 (Coworkers stream into a conference room that is set up with rows of tables and computers and a large screen at the front facing them, sitting wherever they find an empty place)

Coworker 1: (Quietly to Coworker 2 as they sign into computers next to each other) I can’t believe they’re making us stay here for an hour and a half – an hour and a half! – to learn about a system we already use.  And I never use it!

Coworker 2: I heard there’re updates and it’s supposed to be easier to use now.

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Please.  Any update is automatically harder, and this whole thing today could’ve been sent to us in two slides.

Coworker 2: (Leans in confidentially) You know what I heard?

Coworker 1: Obviously not.

Coworker 2: They got Ryan in I.T. to do the webinar for this, right before he quit to become Ryan --------, Hollywood Celebrity.

Coworker 1: …So this is pre-recorded?!  Another waste of my time!

Coworker 2: So?  Isn’t it cool we get one last class from Ryan, before, you know, he became Ryan?  He was so funny when I’d get him on the phone with the help desk, and I love him in his new movie!

Coworker 1: (Mutters at the computer screen) I hate that guy.

Coworker 2: Huh?

Coworker 1: He still owes me money for Josie’s retirement gift.

Coworker 2: That was three years ago.

Coworker 1: (Looks at Coworker 2) Yeah, and he thinks I forgot, but I didn’t!  (Back to the screen) I never forget.

Coworker 2: Whatever – I still think this is so cool!

(The course proctor heads over to the main computer by the large screen)

Proctor: Hello everybody, thank you for coming to the training class today, let’s get started.  (While setting up the video to display on the screen) This mandatory class that none of you can wiggle out of taking will show you the new features in the system, but you’re also in for a special treat: this was the last webinar that our very own “star,” Ryan -------- recorded before he left us to embark on a little something called a movie career….

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 3: Yeah Ry-an!

Coworker 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

Proctor: So, without further ado, here’s our local success story giving his contractually obligated training session on “Orders 2.0.”  (Starts the video which shows actions on a computer screen as links are selected and data are entered)

Ryan’s Voice: Welcome everyone, to “Orders 2.0”; I’m Ryan --------, I.T. Specialist, although not for much longer as you may have heard by now, heh-heh-heh.

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 1: [Gags]

Ryan’s Voice: So, after you log into this thing – whoops – (Takes several attempts to log in) too many passwords nowadays, am-I-right?

Attendees: [Loudly laugh]

Coworker 1: For amateurs, maybe!

Ryan’s Voice: (Finally logs in) Right, aaaaand – select this option here for Test Mode, and then enter the code I’m typing now, and that brings you to here.... Still a busy screen, I know, but they’re workin’ on it.

Coworker 4: You’re doing your best, Ryan!

Coworker 1: (Leans toward Coworker 2) They know he can’t hear them, right?

Coworker 2: You just did the same thing a minute ago.

Coworker 1: I – (Closes mouth suddenly in memory and sits back upright)

Ryan’s Voice: OK, so now we’re going to simulate creating an order for an extremely high amount so I can show you the process for big ticket items, something like, I don’t know, how about a pool for the East Quad, sound good?

Attendees: [Cheer, clap, and whistle]

Coworker 5: East Quaaad!

Coworker 1: Weirdos.

Ryan’s Voice: So, that’ll bust the budget and need lots of approvals, and let’s see if we can even find a vendor for it…. (Begins searching the list when a strange ringtone on the video goes off) Huh… shoot, sorry, gotta take this – hello?  Hey Samir, thanks for getting back to me so fast, what’s the offer now?... Twenty million?!  Holy –

Proctor: (Starts advancing the video) I’m so sorry – no one actually watched this beforehand, we just assumed….

Coworker 1: Hey, if he’s got $20 million now then maybe he can cough up 15 bucks to pay what he owes me!

Proctor: – and here should be good.  (Resumes the video)

Ryan’s Voice: – dude, I said, “No nudity” –

Attendees: Whoooooo!!!

Proctor: (Advancing again) Sorry!  Sorry!  (Softly while watching the screen) I am so going to be fired.

Ryan’s Voice: – gotta go, I’m trying to wrap up a webinar I gotta do for work, then I can finally say “Buh-bye” to this dumpster fire of a job –

Coworker 3: Heh, he’s got that right.

Ryan’s Voice: `K, `K, gotta go, bye!... Oh shoot, this thing’s still recording…. Ah, forget it, I’ll just tell `em to edit out 15 minutes.

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) Clearly, he didn’t tell `em.

Ryan’s Voice: Aaaaaaaaaaand.... (The mouse whirls around the screen a while) right, ordering a pool, sweet.  So, you’d select the budget range of, I dunno, $50 grand and up?  Yeah, let’s do that, go all out, why not?

Coworker 4: Livin’ the dream, Ryan!

Attendees: [Cheer]

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) How does one sign an eye roll so that the whole room can see it?

Coworker 2: I think you would just do it.

Coworker 1: Well that’s just limited range.

Coworker 5: Ssh, please?  I can’t hear Ryan!

(Coworker 2 prevents Coworker 1 from lunging over the table at Coworker 5)

Ryan’s Voice: – and you’d have to get approval from everybody all the way up to – (Strange ringtone again) Just a sec…. Hey, Raquel!  Did they send those scripts yet?... I dunno, I took some French in high school so maybe I could learn a made-up language….

Proctor: I’m so sorry – (Goes to advance the video again)

Coworker 6: Wait, I wanna hear if this is for that movie he’s filming now; it’d be so cool if it is!

Proctor: You all have to take an hour and a half for this class, and so far this seems to have about 20 minutes usable material, so, no!

Coworker 1: We won’t tell if you won’t!

Ryan’s Voice: – is it anything like Tolkien’s Elvish stuff, `cause that’d be neat?... More like the Orkish stuff?  Whatever, I’m game –

Proctor: Skip!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – were we?... Approvals, right.  So you enter your department name – (Buzzing sound on the video) …Oh no, they changed the flight to 5 a.m.?  Ooh, first class, not too shabby –

Proctor: Argh!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – worked with Boys & Girls Clubs of America for a while anyway so this’ll be perfect, I can really help out even more now –

Proctor: Ergh! (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – trainer’s coming over tomorrow so she’ll see I can bench almost 300 lbs now –

Attendees: Oooooooh!

Proctor: Grrrrrr…. (Advances 20 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – snowboarding next weekend, I gotta go for real now, `K, bye!... OK!  Soooooo, Approvals.  Right.  Aaaaaand… click here… type this… click “Submit,” and boom.  Pool.  Well, if you get all the approvals, and if they don’t want you to hold a bidding war first, and this still could take months and sometimes years even if everything goes right…. Wow, looks like our hour and a half is up, so that’s it for “Orders 2.0,” Class!  Usually this’d be the time for questions but I was told to record it instead of doing it live in case you all’d start getting, quote-unquote, off-topic; my e-mail account’s gonna be deactivated in about an hour so if you do have any relevant questions, don’t send them to me because as of 3:30 p.m. today, I no longer have to pretend to care about messed-up networks and poorly maintained hardware ever again!  Good luck, it’s been nice working with you all, and see you on the big screen, yay!  (The video ends abruptly)

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 2: Aw, he said it was nice working with us!

Coworker 1: He has to fake-love everyone now – that’s the payment for his new life of glamor.

Proctor: (Quickly shutting down the main computer and the large screen) Once again, I apologize for the lack of applicable content in this video – we’ll send out an e-mail when this class has been rescheduled.

Attendees: [Massive groan]

Coworker 3: Can you e-mail just the audio portion of this one to us?  We wanna hear the rest that we missed.

Proctor: Absolutely not!  (Storms out in a panic to destroy all files of the presentation)

Coworker 2: (As the attendees slowly proceed out of the conference room) That stinks we still have to take the class, but this was pretty fun anyway.

Coworker 1: I guess.  I still hate him, but I have to admire his ability to achieve escape velocity from this gravity well of a company.

Coworker 2: Mighty big of you to say so.

Coworker 1: Yeah… you think he’d give me an autograph?