(Relaxing on a hammock in the backyard, Dad answers a ringing cell phone)
Dad: Oh hi, what’s up?
Friend 1: Can’t a loving child call their father for no reason?
Dad: They can, but I’m going to see you tomorrow anyway so your call today piques my curiosity.
Friend 1: Yes, well, seeing as that’s Father’s Day and all, in the hustle-and-bustle of restaurant reservations and driving logistics and what-not, I realized I forgot to ask what you’d like as a gift.
Dad: No you didn’t.
Friend 1: What’s that?
Dad: You didn’t forget, you asked me when you had dinner here a few weeks ago, and I’d said then all you had to give me was –
Friend 1: Oh right, that! Of course I remember, hustle-and-bustle, I was just testing you! Silly.
Dad: Listen, it’s OK if you forgot, there’s a lot going on and we all have our moments as we get older –
Friend 1: Nope! No, this isn’t a moment – I remember everything perfectly – I’ll go get to it right now – byeeeeee!!! (Disconnects the call and flees out the front door)
Dad: (Stares at the phone in concern) Oh dear. I hope this doesn’t become a whole thing; it’s my day, after all, by gum.
(Meanwhile, Friend 1 drives to the local mall and tears through it in a tizzy with all the other last-minute Father’s Day shoppers)
Friend 1: (Plowing through a crowd in a bookstore) Outta my way! (Scanning the displays) Military history? True crime? Biography? Sci-fi Romance? How could I have lived with this man the entire first half of my life and not know what he likes?! (A thought hits the cranium) Oh – maybe he actually said he wants a new wallet. (Plows through the crowd to the nearest department store and scans the displays) Leather? Pleather? Or did he really want a tie instead? (Feels a tap on the shoulder and spins around) What are you doing here?
Friend 2: I could ask you the same thing: you never go to the mall.
Friend 1: Well, I’m just like everyone else here today, another victim of holiday panic-shopping – you?
Friend 2: I had to order my gift and pick-up was today.
Friend 1: Why didn’t you just ship it home?
Friend 2: I like to support my local superstore. Need any help picking out something?
Friend 1: Nope! No, I know exactly what I’m getting; just trying to decide on size – color – shape – molecular structure –
Friend 2: Did you forget what he asked you to get him?
Friend 1: …I am neither confirming nor denying that.
Friend 2: You can ask him again, you know; he’ll understand.
Friend 1: But I won’t!
Friend 2: What?
Friend 1: I can’t have forgotten something like this, it’d just be so stupid! So I’m going to keep looking at random objects until the memory obediently bobs back up to the surface of my drowning brain and I can snag that sucker once and for all!
Friend 2: Or you could confess all and get him a generic gift card.
Friend 1: Never!
FATHER’S DAY
(At a restaurant, Dad, Mom, and Friend 1 have brunch)
Dad: I think I’m going to go all out today and order French toast and a Western omelet.
Mom: Go right ahead: it’s a holiday, so the stomach pains don’t count.
Dad: Good point – maybe some of that will be to-go. (Nods at a large bag on the floor by Friend 1’s chair) So, what’ve you got there, sport?
Friend 1: Well, I was thinking, since your birthday and other gift-giving holidays’ll be here before you know it, why not just skip the wait and give them all to you now? (Dumps various-sized wrapped presents onto the table) Happy Everything, Dad!
Dad: Wow, that’s swell, thank you!
Friend 1: You’re welcome! (Slumps slightly in relief)
Dad: (Grabs a present and begins unwrapping it) You do know, since the three of us hadn’t eaten out together in so long, all I’d asked you and your mother for today was a nice Sunday brunch, right?
Mom: (To Friend 1) You were very vocal in your relief at the lack of effort involved.
Friend 1: (Eyes widening in final remembrance) I’m starting to recall such a conversation occurring.
Dad: (Puts on the tie he unwrapped and grabs another present) It’s OK – you’re young yet, so it’s only downhill from here, kiddo.
Friend 1: (Starts to reach out to take back the present) Well wait, we should save these for later this year then –
Dad: (Holds present to his chest) Nope! No, I’m opening these now, this is my day! You’re set for the rest of the year.
Friend 1: But I can’t not get you anything when those days come up, I’ll feel like I forgot again!
Dad: Don’t make this a whole thing!
