Story 439: Feel the Burn

 (At a restaurant)

Adult Children: (Raising juice glasses disguised as wine glasses in a toast) Happy Mother’s Day!

Mom: (Raises glass in return) Thank you, children – your affection certainly warms the heart.

(They all pause to take a drink)

Adult Child 1: You sure you don’t want anything else this year?  I mean, this brunch is expensively nice, but we could get you a gift on top of that, you know.

Mom: That’s very sweet, honey, but having you both here with a delicious course of Eggs Benedict and freshly squeezed orange juice is enough – the only other thing I could want is your father back here with us, bless his soul.  (They raise their glasses and drink again) Well!  (Definitively sets down the glass and starts slicing into the waffle) This’ll be my last hurrah for a while: tomorrow I’m going to get off my lazy rear and start that workout routing you recommended.  (Nods at Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Oh, well, that’s only if you really want to get ripped –

Mom: I do, yes.  (Chews vigorously)

Adult Child 2: I have to admit I don’t keep up with it as much as I should, with commuting and working overtime and not wanting to get up early and… yeah.

Mom: (Downs the orange juice) Yes, I have no such excuses: happily retired, and you rugrats flew the coop ages ago, so my extracurricular activities can be rearranged willy-nilly.

Adult Child 1: And anyway, you’re not “lazy” – you’re running around all the time doing stuff.

Mom: You’re confusing Present Me with Past Me from when you were growing up; trust me, I sit around waaaaay too much for anyone’s good now.

Adult Child 1: Well, you deserve it after all those years raising us.

Mom: True, but beside the point.

Adult Child 2: (Chuckles) Would it help if we popped out a few grandkids for you to chase after?

Mom: Don’t tease.  No, starting tomorrow, I will join the ranks of the stay-at-home gym devotees – my life will be changed forever.  (Suddenly looks up at Adult Children) Again.

Adult Child 1: (Raises glass) Cheers to that.  (Sees that the glass is empty) Well that’s awkward.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Mom, wearing exercise clothes and sweat bands, sets up a mat on the living room floor, then uses the television to access the Internet and search for the previously mentioned workout video series)

Mom: (Navigating through the videos) “Advanced,” no…. “Extreme,” no…. “Ultra-Extreme,” blazes no.... Where’s “Ultra-Beginner?”  (Types “beginner” with the series name) Aha!  “Novice Baby Steps” – now that’s my speed.  (Starts the video and stands in readiness)

Host: (Extremely fit) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

Mom: Remains to be seen, but continue.

Host: Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: Uh-oh.

Host: For this set, you’re going to need a mat, a wall for balance, a chair –

Mom: Oh no, hold up!  (Pauses the video, runs to the kitchen, and drags a chair into the living room, dumping the seat cushion onto the couch on the way) OK, go!  (Resumes video)

Host: – anchor chains, a pull-up bar, preferably a monster-truck tire but a regular sedan tire will do –

Mom: WHAT?!

Host: – and a rowboat.  You ready?  Let’s go!

Mom: (Pauses the video) Blaaaaazes no!  That was “beginner”?!  Where’s one with no equipment?  (Searches for “beginner no equipment” in the series) OK, this one looks more promising.  (Starts a new video)

Host: (Wearing the same outfit as in the other video) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: This feels familiar.

Host: For this set, all you’ll need is a mat and a chair.

Mom: Liar – your title said “No Equipment.”

Host: I know the title said “No Equipment,” but that’s technically true – these are accessories.

Mom: Still.

Host: Now, let’s warm up first!

Mom: Ugh, skip!  (Moves the video progress bar to where the workout begins)

Host: (Shaking limbs loose) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!

Mom: (Shaking limbs loose) Sure.

Host: (Lies face-down on a mat; Mom follows suit) OK, let’s do this!  First up: one-handed push-ups!

Mom: Huh?

Host: (Commences one-handed push-ups) Feel free to stay on your knees for this one, newbs!

Mom: (Shifts to knees) Oh I will.

(After sets of push-ups on each hand, Host jumps up)

Host: Now!  Over to the chair.  (Walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups) Easier than using the floor, am-I-right?

Mom: (Stares in shock) If you say so.

Host: (Flips back off the chair, then does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle) This is the basic version of the move you’ll find in my advanced class, where we do this while using our teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight – don’t worry though, you should be ready for that by the time we’re through today!

Mom: Heh?

Host: (Jumps onto feet, then jumps up to grab the blades of a spinning ceiling fan while pulling legs up and down) Now, I forgot to mention earlier – (Spin) you will also need a ceiling fan for this – (Spin) so if you don’t have one – (Spin) feel free to hang the chair from the ceiling – (Spin) the effect’s the same – (Spin) Wheeeeeee!!!!!!

Mom: (Stops the video) I think my children are trolling me.  (Calls Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Hi!  Did you try one of the videos yet?

Mom: No, because they’re meant for Olympian gods.  Have you seriously done any of these?!

Adult Child 2: Well, I started one and it looked good, and I thought I was just out of shape and needed to work my way up to it.

Mom: Work your way up?!  You need to have been at the top and launched into outer space to even start one of these!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  I feel better about the whole thing, then.

Mom: Why did you even suggest these to me?

Adult Child 2: I dunno, they looked cool.

Mom: Whatever; I’m going to search for some good old fashioned boot camp routines and let you know how those are, m’kay?

Adult Child 2: Sounds great, thanks!

Mom: Yeah-bye.  (Disconnects the call, searches videos for several more minutes, then makes a selection)

New Host: Hello, and welcome to your health journey!  Let’s begin with some toe touches to warm ourselves up, then we’ll move onto crunches and leg lifts!

Mom: (Repeatedly touches toes and stands, mirroring the video) Now, this is proper exercise.

Story 438: Synergy in The Vortex

 (In a gift shop)

Tourist 1: (Entering with Tourist 2) So, what’s so special about this place?  It seems like the same-old, New Age-y, hippe-dippie tourist trap you find all over the world.  (Suddenly sees Employee 1 nearby, staring at them) But the furnishings seem lovely.

Tourist 2: I read that this place is supposed to be at the exact center of The Vortex.  (Spreads arms out as far as possible without hitting spinning racks of meditation CDs and dream catchers hanging from the ceiling) I can already feel my chakras aligning just by being in this sacred space.

Tourist 1: Seriously?  I didn’t think you were into all that stuff.

Tourist 2: (Lowers arms) Then you don’t know me at all.

Tourist 1: (Grabs a deck of tarot cards from off a shelf) But really, what’s the deal with this specific place?  I mean, what is The Vortex?

Employee 1: (Glides over as Tourist 1 puts the card deck back on the shelf) The Vortex, my friends, is the convergence of energies into this central location: by entering this confluence of forces, your spirit will be cleansed, your soul purified, and your aura illuminated.

Tourist 2: Wow.

Tourist 1: Uh-huh.  So does that mean everything in here costs triple what we’d find in the same shop down the street?  (Tourist 2 elbows Tourist 1)

Employee 1: (Mysteriously) You’ll never know what you’ll find in The Vortex…. I’ll be over here if you need me to look for anything in the store room.  (Glides back to restocking stained glass hangings)

Tourist 1: You betcha.

Tourist 2: You’re so rude.

Tourist 1: Whatever: just don’t drop more than $20 in this place, is all I’m saying.

(They start browsing; on turning a corner, they nearly bump into Tourist 3)

Tourist 3: Oops, sorry.

Tourist 1: Nope, my fault: I didn’t take the corner wide enough.

(Tourist 1 and Tourist 3 suddenly stare at each other closely)

Tourist 3: This may sound weird, but… did you go to Main Street Elementary School in Centerville back in the 90s?

Tourist 1: Oh my gosh, you did, too?!  Calculating Colossi 3^rd grade math?!

Tourist 3: Yes!  The classroom with the abacus?

Tourist 1: Yes!

Tourist 3: Oh my goodness, that was over 30 years ago!

Tourist 1: Yes – !  Ugh, don’t remind me.

Tourist 2: Not to mention, it’s about 10 states away from here.

Tourist 3: Absolutely!  What’re the odds, huh?

Tourist 1: (Sees Employee 1 staring at them expectantly) Eh, probably bound to happen at some point in life; might as well be here.

Tourist 2: Or, it’s The –

Tourist 1: Don’t say it.

(Tourist 4 emerges from the back of the store carrying wind chimes, stops upon seeing the group, and points at Tourist 1)

Tourist 4: Weren’t you in my after-school group when you were a wee little thing?

Tourist 1: (Narrows eyes, then widens them in shock) Oh my gosh, you were my Den Leader for seven years!  You taught us how to fly fish and how to bake bread!

Tourist 4: Yes, I was a full-service mentor.

Tourist 2: (To Tourist 1) What a small world.

Tourist 1: Yeah, uh, well, it – it happens.

(Employee 2 glides over to the growing group)

Employee 2: Hello, does anyone need any help – ?  (Notices Tourist 1) Oh my stars, I haven’t see you in ages!  How’ve you been?

Tourist 1: (Eyes widen even wider) Oh – my – gosh: you’re the kid I was supposed to go to prom with but I totally flaked off to play video games instead!  (Winces) Really sorry about that – I was very immature back then.

Tourist 2: “Was”?

Employee 2: (Chuckles) It’s OK: as you can see, I’ve recovered from the social trauma.  I actually wound up going with someone else that night, and we’ll be celebrating our 25^th wedding anniversary this year.

Tourist 1: Whoa, that’s amazing.  And you both moved all the way out here?

Employee 2: Oh yeah, we just felt this calling, you know?

Tourist 1: I guess.

Tourist 3: I’m tellin’ ya, we’ve all been drawn here for this very moment!

Tourist 4: It does seem like Fate, doesn’t it?

Employee 1: (Glides over to stare intently at Tourist 1) Yes, doesn’t it?

Tourist 1: No it doesn’t!  This is just a series of bizarre coincides that the laws of odds and averages make happen at one, singular, freaky moment in our lives, and – (Suddenly notices objects in a glass display case) and – and is that the seashell collection I lost when I was 5?!

(The group whirls around as a clock chimes the hour)

Tourist 1: (Gasps) My grandfather’s grandfather clock?!

(The group whirls around as the shop door opens and Tourist 5 enters)

Tourist 1: (Gasps) Mom??!!

Tourist 5: Yeah – I’ve been waiting in the car for over 15 minutes; are you two gonna get a move on or what?

Tourist 2: We will: we were just catching up with some old acquaintances here.

Tourist 5: (Takes in the group) Oh.  You all do look vaguely familiar, but I’m too tired on this trip to play catch-up – bye.  (Leaves the store)

(The group stare at each other)

Tourist 1: All y’all weren’t hired by some weirdo to play an elaborate trick on me, were you?  (The rest shake their heads)

Tourist 3: I only came in here to use the bathroom – turns out there aren’t any for customers.

Tourist 2: I’m telling you, it’s The Vortex!

Employee 1: I’ll say: we’ve never had a convergence quite this massive before; I must note it in the store’s log.

Employee 2: You do that – you’re the only one who reads that thing anyway.  (To Tourist 1) So this certainly was life-affirming and soul-impacting, wasn’t it?

Tourist 1: I have to admit, I’ve never had an experience quite like it; I’m low-key questioning reality right about now.

Employee 2: Enough to possibly buy back your long-lost seashell collection?

Tourist 1: Not that much.

Story 437: Babysitting for Family

 (At a house in suburbia)

Parent: (To Child as they both wait in the living room) Now, your cousin’ll be here any minute – you remember what I told you for tonight?

Child: Uh-huh: don’t waste any food at dinner; put everything in the dishwasher; not too much TV; do board games first.

Parent: Very good – and?

Child: Oh yeah: don’t swallow, run around with, or otherwise roughhouse with anything that doesn’t belong in the body.

Parent: (Hugs Child) Excellent.  (Knock at the front door) Here we go!  (Opens the door and sees Teen; waves at Cousin as the latter drives away from the house) Hi!  It’s so good to see you!  (Hugs Teen briefly)

Teen: Hi – am I late?  (Half-hugs Child) Hey there, squirt.

Child: Howdy.

Parent: Not at all, you’re right on time!  (Gathers belongings to head out the door) So, you two are going to have a great time tonight – I left a pizza in the freezer, and ice cream’s in there too if you want some later –

Teen: (Licks lips) Yum.

Parent: Oh, and all the phone numbers you might need are on the fridge; mine’s on top, police, fire –

Child: Poison Control?

Parent: Yes dear, if either of you wind up mistaking the clearly labeled bleach for water then that number’s there, too.  I think that’s it; any questions?

Teen: Yeah, when’s bedtime around here?

Parent: Oh, well, it’s not a school night so you don’t have to worry about that.

Teen: Sweet.

Parent: (Hugs Child and heads for the door) Now, you both be good!

Child and Teen: We will!

Parent: (At the open door) And call me if there’s anything you’re not sure about, OK?

Child and Teen: OK!

Parent: (Blowing kisses) Love you – bye!  (Closes the door and drives off)

Teen: (Spins on heel to face Child) So.  The house is ours, then.

Child: I guess.  Wanna play Amalgamation?

Teen: Nah, that one takes forever and the mergers are never satisfying.  Let’s watch TV, I never get to see the shows I want at home.

Child: Uh… the cable’s out.

Teen: Oh.  You got a laptop or something with Internet then?  I’m sure someone around here’s got a subscription service I can force myself into.

Child: Uhhhh…. (The landline phone rings)

Teen: (Jumps in shock) Ah!  Who’s that?!

Child: Dunno – there’s no caller ID on that one.  (Phone keeps ringing)

Teen: Well you live here, you should answer it!

Child: OK, I was going to let it go to voicemail, but sure.  (Picks up the receiver) Hello?

Voice 1: Hello.  Don’t hang up – (Child hangs up)

Teen: (Peeking from behind a kitchen chair) Who was it?!

Child: A robot.

Teen: (Gasps) We’re finally under attack from A.I.?!

Child: No, it probably just wanted to sell us insurance.  I’m actually getting hungry – wanna do dinner now?

Teen: (Emerging from behind the chair) Sure, there’s nothing else to do.

(They have the pizza, dump the dishes and glasses in the dishwasher, and enter the Post-Dinner Lull)

Teen: Soooo, whaddya do for fun around here?  Last time we came over you had that basketball hoop in the driveway.

Child: …It’s broken.  Hey, wanna watch a movie?

Teen: I thought the cable was out.

Child: I meant on DVD.

Teen: How retro.  Sure, whatcha got?

(They review the choices on shelves by the entertainment center)

Teen: (Points to a title) That one’ll give you nightmares.

Child: (Peers closer) It’s rated “G.”

Teen: Then someone out there made a mistake, because those goblins were most certainly not family-friendly.  (Grabs a case) Ooh, how about this one?

Child: (Reads the cover, then looks up at Teen) This one’s rated “R.”

Teen: I know, but all my friends’ve seen it and they said there’s barely any blood and gore – my parents wouldn’t let me go see it though; they’re the worst.

Child: I like them.

Teen: (Flops on the couch and grabs two remotes to start up the TV and DVD player) Yeah, well, you don’t have to be their kid!

Child: (Sits slowly next to Teen) I’m sure they mean well.

Teen: Yeah, yeah.  (Jumps in seat when there is a knock on the door) Who is that?!

Child: (Stares at Teen) Should I answer it then?

Teen: (Dives behind the couch) You betcha!

Child: (Walks to the front door but does not open it) Who is it?

Voice 2: Just a friendly salesperson offering a brand spanking new set of encyclopedias!

Teen: (Pops up from behind the couch) Liar!  Those went extinct years ago!

Child: We don’t want any, thank you.

Voice 2: (Droopingly) Nobody does.  (Footsteps recede)

Teen: (Climbs back over the couch to sit as Child returns) That was scary – let’s go watch the movie.  (Resumes remote work)

Child: Uh… I have an idea!

Teen: Better than space horror?

Child: Yes!  (Grabs one of the books scattered throughout the room) Can you read this to me, please?  I need it for school.

Teen: (Grabs the book and raises an eyebrow while reading the title) Sense and Sensibility?  A little advanced for the 5^th grade, isn’t it?

Child: Exactly: I’m in an advanced class.  (Cuddles next to Teen and looks up expectantly)

Teen: (Sighs, then shuts down the entertainment system and opens up the book) Fine – I could use a little Jane Austen wit right about now.

 TWO HOURS LATER

(Parent unlocks and opens the front door)

Parent: I’m home!  How is everybody?

(Child and Teen wake up from dozing on the couch)

Child: (Runs to hug Parent) You’re home, yay!

Parent: (Laughing) Silly.  Did you two have a good time?

Teen: (Rubbing eyes and stretching) Yep – learned everything we ever wanted to know about Regency English laws of property entailment and primogeniture.

(Parent looks down at Child in confusion)

Child: It was amazing.

Parent: Well, that’s… lovely.  (Teen subtly returns the movie to the shelf as Parent hangs up coat) So, did you have any dessert?

Teen: (Slumps) Argh, I missed it!

Child: The pizza was enough.

(There is a knock at the front door)

Parent: Perfect timing!  (Opens the door to Cousin and they hug) Hi!  This worked out well – I just got home now from the reunion, too!

Cousin: (Hugs Child) Great!  (To Teen) You ready to go, kiddo?

Teen: (To Parent) Actually, since we’ve got a bit of a ride, can I use your bathroom first?

Parent: Sure!  You remember where it is?

Teen: Oh yeah, I always secure those locations wherever I go.  (Trots away)

Cousin: (To Child) You two have a good time tonight, hm?

Child: It was… entertaining.

Cousin: Hope kiddo there wasn’t too much of a handful; I really appreciate you babysitting tonight, by the way.

Child: Of course – that’s what family’s for.

Story 436: Low Iron in the Blood

 (At a local blood drive in a rental hall)

Friend 1: (Sits propped up on a stretcher; to Friend 2) You see?  Being a tad overweight has its benefits: for the first time in my life, I am finally able to give the gift of life.

Friend 2: (Answering e-mails on cell phone) True, but I don’t think the future recipient really wants all that sugar you downed at Mardi Gras included with the red blood cells you’re passing along.

Friend 1: That night is not to be spoken of.

Phlebotomist: (Approaching with collection set and other supplies) Hello, you all ready for this?

Friend 1: (Steels self by gripping the sides of the stretcher) I’m ready, Doc: drain me!

Phlebotomist: I’m not a doctor, and we don’t even take half your volume.  (Preps Friend 1’s arm and holds out a small tube wrapped in paper) Here.

Friend 1: Is this for me to stifle my screams?

Phlebotomist: No, it’s for you to flex your hand every five to 10 seconds to keep your vein nice and limber.  (Friend 1 holds the tube as Phlebotomist is ready to insert the needle) Wanna watch?

Friend 1: Yes?  No!  (Phlebotomist inserts the needle) Too late.

Friend 2: (Watches as blood begins to flow and Phlebotomist preps the collection set to rest on a seesawing platform) Neat.

Phlebotomist: Yeah, this’ll go on for about 20 minutes.

Friend 1: (Watching the continuous red line) Ewwww….

Friend 2: What kind of training is involved to do this?

Friend 1: Traitor!  You’re supposed to help preserve my bodily fluids!

Friend 2: You volunteered for this because you’d said you “didn’t want to feel like a completely useless piece of humanity.”

Friend 1: I changed my mind!  (Holds a hand to forehead and slumps) I think I’m feeling faint from the blood loss, help….

Phlebotomist: Barely anything’s gone out of you – by the way, you get bagels and cookies when we’re done here.

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Mmmm, the goodies.

 20 MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 is unhooked from the set-up and escorted to a table where Friend 2 is snacking on pretzels)

Friend 2: (Looking up as Friend 1 shakily sits) Ah, you made it!  (Slaps a sticker on Friend 1’s shirt)

Friend 1: (Tries to read it upside-down) What the blazes is this?

Friend 2: A cute little reminder to the world that you’re a first-time lifesaver.  I am proud of you, you know.

Friend 1: (Takes a tentative sip of fruit juice) Thanks, that makes one of us.  I did it purely for the accolades.

Friend 2: Don’t I know it.

Friend 1: (As a Volunteer approaches their table) Ah yes, the foretold meal: I’ll take an extremely rare flank steak, stuffed potato, and all the rolls, please.

Volunteer: We have plain bagels with cream cheese or butter.

Friend 1: Cream cheese will suffice, I thank you.  (Pulls out a piece of paper as Volunteer leaves to retrieve the food) I never actually read the receipt they gave me – I think it may have post-emptying instructions.

Friend 2: (Takes the form to read) Oh yeah, it just tells you how you might feel afterward, and that you need to replenish your iron.

Friend 1: Eh?

Friend 2: Your iron.  You lost a bit and it takes a while for your body to replenish it, so they suggest you go out and get some.

Friend 1: And how am I supposed to do that?!

Friend 2: Eat it.  You take a multivitamin, right?

Friend 1: Why would I?!

Friend 2: Never mind.  Just start taking one now, or go out and get some iron.

Friend 1: Why was I not told about this before I signed up to give away my life source?!

Friend 2: It’s not a big deal.

Friend 1: Says the one who’s not suddenly iron deficient!  (Volunteers returns with the bagel) Thank you, good Volunteer – your service will not go unrewarded.

Volunteer: We’re not allowed to accept tips.

Friend 1: Nor was I about to give you one.  (Volunteer leaves as Friend 1 chows down) I suppose this lump of fungal dough and bacteria-riddled cow secretions wouldn’t have much iron, would it?

Friend 2: (With a disgusted look) When you put it like that….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Friend 1, pale and shaky, sits at the kitchen table at home, staring at a pile of pennies spread out on a placemat)

Friend 1: It’s perfectly natural… it’s found in Nature… all the other animals are doing it…. (Slowly picks up a penny and brings it closer; cellphone rings and Friend 1 picks it up immediately) Yep?

Friend 2: You’re not about to eat your spare change, are you?

Friend 1: Nooooo…..

Friend 2: Want me to get you some kale?

Friend 1: Vegetables, gross!  (Disconnects the call and stares off into space) There must be some other way….

 OVERNIGHT

(In a supermarket, a Security Guard patrols the darkened aisles with a flashlight)

Security Guard: (Muttering to self) If I see that cat in here one more time, I am calling the Humane Society, I don’t care what they say – (Hears a muffled crash and swings around sharply) Who’s there?  (Waits a few beats) Why do I always ask that as if anybody’d really answer me?  (Runs to the produce aisle where the noise was and sweeps around the flashlight) If you’re stealing food, I can tell you right now it’s all borderline!  (The flashlight catches Friend 1, perched on top of a rack of shelves, biting down on a metal beam) What in the world?!

Friend 1: (Shields eyes with arm) Don’t witness my shame!  (Flees out the automated front door, wailing)

Security Guard: (Stares closer at the metal beam) The wildlife in here’s getting weirder and weirder.

THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 2 knocks on Friend 1’s door, carrying grocery bags)

Friend 2: (When the door opens) Hi, I got – what happened to you?

Friend 1: (Appears wretchedly frazzled) Nothing!  Nothing at all!  (Eyes widen upon seeing the bags) Is that iron?

Friend 2: (Holds out a bag) Well, I got your dreaded kale, plus some dried fruit and –

Friend 1: (Grabs the bag and Friend 2, pulling the latter into the apartment) Move!

Friend 2: (Closes the door and begins emptying the bags onto the kitchen counter; side-eyes Friend 1) You’ll want to wash that off first.

Friend 1: (Mouth is wide open to take a huge bite of kale) I was just about to.  (Washes off the kale, then begins eating it raw)

Friend 2: (Tries to ignore this while organizing the food) You know, in a way this may be a good thing; get you to eat a little healthier.  (Holds up a can) When’s the last time you had any beans?

Friend 1: (Chewing) Beans and I aren’t on speaking turns.  (Suddenly notices the can, grabs it out of Friend 2’s hand, and begins sniffing it all around intensely)

Friend 2: That’s aluminum.

Friend 1: Oh.  (Tosses the can back to Friend 2 and resumes devouring the kale)

Friend 2: I also got you some iron pills – you seem a bit more anemic than I first thought.

Friend 1: I’m not anemic, I just need iron!

Friend 2: What do you think “anemic” means?

Friend 1: Whatever – you’re not my dietitian!  (Finished with the kale, starts tearing open a bag of dried apricots)

 Friend 2: OK, I’m heading out.  You don’t have to pay for all this, but a simple “Thank you” would be nice.

Friend 1: (Grabs a wad of cash lying about and shoves it into Friend 2’s jeans pocket) Thank you, supplier!  (Continues eating the entire bag of fruit)

Friend 2: (Backs away slowly) Yeah – so, I’m going to go meet up with my family for Passover Seder tonight, so I hope you feel well enough to meet up with your family for Easter dinner tomorrow, OK?

Friend 1: (Freezes, then swallows fruit in a gulp) Easter?  Tomorrow’s Easter?

Friend 2: Well yeah, the two holidays pretty much go together.

Friend 1: Oh no, this is a disaster!

Friend 2: Why, you’ll have to bow out?

Friend 1: I can’t – I’m supposed to host!

Friend 2: Your life really is a hot mess.

Story 435: Something in the Plumbing

 (Plumber drives up to the first address on the day’s list and reviews notes before leaving the truck)

Plumber: (Mumbles while reading) “Backed-up kitchen sink… backed-up dishwasher… Nature has been commuting through the pipes….”  Sounds like a 50-foot snake job.  (Grabs a tool bag and whistles on the way to the front door of the house, suspiciously eyeing the trees on the front lawn and their many, many roots)

Trees: <Don’t look at us – we were here long before those pipes were shoved into our bed>

(Plumber rings the doorbell and continues whistling while peering at the bushes lined up in a row under the front window; the door suddenly flings open and a hand grabs Plumber’s shirt, pulling the latter inside as the door slams)

Homeowner: (With frazzled hair, frazzled clothes, and frazzled eyes) My savior at last – I have been bailing out this mess for the past two days!

Plumber: (Unobtrusively removes Homeowner’s hand from shirt and suppresses a sigh) Sounds rough – lead the way.

(The head into the kitchen and stop at the doorway)

Plumber: (Now suppressing a scream) Ho-ow long did you say it’s been like this?!

Homeowner: (Biting a thumbnail) Hm?  Oh, the sink’s been regurgitating the ghosts of meals past for about a week – the bailing’s only been the past two days, and it was the weekend so I refused to pay extra for an emergency call.

(They navigate through the multiple buckets and jerry-rigged drain hoses throughout the kitchen to reach the sink, which has several inches of what appears to be pond water floating in it)

Plumber: (Opens the tool bag and starts going through it) And has the water been backing up every time you use this?

Homeowner: No, that’s the kicker: it backs up willy-nilly, all on its own, then drains whenever it feels like it; the bailing started when it stopped draining as much, and then the dishwasher started leaking in sympathy.  I have to get up every two hours during the night for these as if they were newborn children.

Plumber: Know the feeling.  (Opens the cabinet below the sink and checks out the pipes) Did you use any chemical drain cleaner at all on this?

Homeowner: No, I heard those ruin the pipes so I just did a homemade volcano of baking soda and vinegar.

Plumber: Thank goodness.  May I?  (Holds a hand out toward one of the buckets)

Homeowner: Please.

Plumber: (Places the bucket under the sink, unscrews the trap, and inspects it while letting everything drain) Yep, this is a bust.  (Holds out the trap to show it crumbling to pieces)

Homeowner: Wow.  Never noticed that before.

Plumber: (Wipes face as the remaining water drains and mud splashes all over the place) I’ll replace it, snake the pipe, and you should be good to go.

Homeowner: (Grabs a frog out of the nearly-empty sink and flings it out the window to land on a nearby tree) That’s it?  This seems worse than that simple fix; I could’ve done that myself.

Plumber: (Shaking off twigs falling out of the pipe and spitting out splashing mud) Well you didn’t fix it, did you!  Here – (Holds out the bucket) go dump this in the tub or wherever you’ve been disposing of the ocean while I take care of the rest.

Homeowner: (Takes the bucket and leaves, muttering) Rude.

Plumber: (Takes out the snake and begins unwinding it through the plumbing, on and on, encountering multiple obstacles along the way that are gradually defeated) C’mon, move it, get out of there…. (Keeps snaking through the pipes, then comes up against what feels like a wall) Aha!  Gotcha, you little…. (Struggles against the obstruction as Homeowner returns)

Homeowner: (Setting down the bucket and flinging another frog out the window) So, find anything?

Plumber: (Still struggling) Oh yeah!  It’s a doozy, but I think I’m – (Yank-pull) getting it – (Push-pull) loose –  (The house begins to shake with increasing violence as an ominous noise sounds down the line) Uh-oh.

Homeowner: Whaddya mean, “Uh-oh”?!  You know how nervous everyone gets when someone in authority says that!

Plumber: (Hurriedly retracts the sake, screws in a new trap on the shaking pipe, and backs away from the sink while gesturing Homeowner to do the same) You’ve got insurance on this place, right?

Homeowner: What?!

(The kitchen sink erupts in a mini-geyser of water, mud, branches, and frogs for about 10 seconds, then settles down and slowly drains again; the dishwasher gives a complementary splash)

Homeowner: (Shaking off water and debris) Whelp, good thing I took down the curtains before you came over.  So, what do you think – I need a new shut-off valve?

Plumber: (Wiping muddy water away from eyes) You need a new plumbing system!  It looks like the local bog got in there!

Homeowner: Well, that’s just ridiculous – there’s no bog anywhere near here; just the swamp across the street.

Plumber: Same difference!  (Gathers up the tool bag while still shaking off the mess) You need to call in the town’s sewer company or somebody to check those lines out there, `cause I am done!  (Runs out of the house; to Trees) That’s right, I’m talkin’ about you, too!

Trees: <Rude>

Homeowner: (Standing at the front door) What about my bill?

Plumber: (Diving into the truck) I’ll mail it to you, byeeeee!!!!  (Reverses speedily out of the driveway and zooms down the street)

Homeowner: (Re-enters the house while closing the door, sighs at the new mess in the kitchen, flings another frog out the window, and begins paper toweling everything) And I forgot to ask about checking that funny noise the shower’s been making….

Story 434: Playing for Your Life Is Ridiculous

 [Inspired by the recent Batman movie and the Riddler tie-in Web site]

(In an abandoned warehouse, Hostage is bound to a chair with a duct-taped mouth while Villain paces impatiently nearby, regularly checking a wristwatch.  Suddenly, Vigilante and Sidekick crash through the one glass panel in the ceiling and take some time rappelling down to the floor because their ropes are not long enough.  Villain and Hostage side-eye each other briefly as the other two finally leap the last 10 feet, tuck and roll to a stop, flip their respective tangled-up capes out of the way, and strike the Hero Pose with hands on hips, heads flung back, and feet planted firmly apart)

Vigilante: Aha!  And so, we have foiled your evil plan and found you at last, tucked away in your secret lair, aha!

Sidekick: Take that, scumbag!

Villain: …This isn’t my secret lair, and I specifically left the front door open so you could come in that way – didn’t you get my voicemail?

Vigilante: (Slightly tilts head to see the open front door, then turns back to Villain) So that’s exactly what you were expecting we’d do, and so – foiled!

Sidekick: To the max!

Villain: (Mutters) Cripes.  (Louder) Can we get down to it, please?

Vigilante: I thought you’d never ask!

Sidekick: Yeah, quit stallin’!

Villain: (To Vigilante while motioning to Sidekick) You know, this is why I expressly didn’t invite that one – never mind, forget it, moving on.  (Strikes the Villain Pose with hunched shoulders, twiddling fingers, and sinister expression) And so, my fine antagonists –

Vigilante: Actually, we’re the protagonists – you’re the antagonist.

Villain: We’re all our own protagonists and each other’s antagonists!  (Cracks neck while calming down) Ahem.  And so, you have come here in a pitiful attempt to rescue this – (Gestures to Hostage) creature in my clutches, have you?

Vigilante: Why, yes, that’s the reason we’re all here today – I thought that was understood.

Villain: For the love of – deep breaths, deep breaths – now, here’s the deal: I have placed several large sticks of fireworks under this chair.  (Grandly gestures to said fireworks piled high under Hostage’s chair)

Vigilante and Sidekick: Gasp!

Villain: Precisely!  (Holds up a detonator) And I will set them off at a moment’s notice –

Vigilante and Sidekick: Double gasp!

Villain: However – !

Vigilante: Oh thank goodness.

Villain: I am willing to spare this miserable wretch’s trip to the Moon, if you can answer these questions three!

Vigilante: Oh no!  Wait, why?

Villain: Mwahahaha – sorry, what?

Vigilante: Why would you let anybody go just like that? 

Sidekick: Yeah, you already got `em helpless and set these things up hours ago – why not just let `er rip?

(Hostage shakes head vigorously while straining against the chair and yelling through the duct tape)

Villain: Come on, it’s my whole shtick!

Vigilante: Then why do we have to answer the questions; shouldn’t you be making your victim answer and we just come in as an assist?

Villain: You know darn well that you’re my real target, so don’t play coy with me!  And so, let us begin: Question 1 –

Vigilante: (Holds up a finger) Hang on, before we start –

Villain: OMG, WHAT?

Vigilante: I’m not really good at these things.

Sidekick: Yeah, I’m better at logic puzzles myself, like “If a train is leaving City A at 200 kph and a train is leaving City B at 230 kph – ”

Villain: One more word out of you and you’re playing catch with a rocket booster here.  (Sidekick zips up) Now, Question 1: What’s black and white and read all over?

(Vigilante and Sidekick stare blankly at Villain; Hostage starts struggling and yelling again)

Vigilante: Could you repeat the question, please?

Villain: Seriously? That’s a softball one to lure you into a false sense of security, and you don’t know it?!

Vigilante: Give me a minute!

(Hostage’s yells and struggles get louder)

Villain: (Looks down at the noise) Well that’s getting annoying.  (Rips off the duct tape)

Hostage: OWWWWWW!!!!

Villain: (Winces) Ooh, sorry – I always forget how ripping off a bandage feels for something like this.  So, you have something to share with the group?

Hostage: (After working out jaw) A newspaper!

Vigilante: Huh?

Hostage: That’s the answer!  A newspaper!

Vigilante: Newspapers aren’t red – they’re just black and white.

Hostage: What?!

Villain: (To Vigilante) It’s a homophone, you dolt!  R-E-A-D, not R-E-D!  Although, that is part of the joke, so I can see where the confusion lies.

Sidekick: I thought it was a riddle, not a joke?

Villain: (Picks up a firework and shakes it at Sidekick) Don’t make me toss one of these at you; I’m saving them for our friend here.  (Throws it back under the chair) Anyway, that really shouldn’t count since you – (Points to Vigilante) were the one supposed to answer, but I’ll allow it.

Hostage: It’s my life at stake here, I should be allowed to pitch in!

Villain: Don’t abuse my generosity.  Now, Question 2: What word has all the letters in it?

(Vigilante and Sidekick hesitate a bit, then huddle up and begin whispering)

Hostage: (Jumping in the chair) Ooh – ooh – ooh –

Villain: Shut it; let them work it out for themselves.

Hostage: But why?

Villain: I’m getting invested in their mental struggles.

(Vigilante and Sidekick triumphantly turn back to the other two)

Vigilante: Antidisestablishmentarianism.

(Hostage slumps)

Villain: What – how – who – that doesn’t have all the letters in it!  Where’s the Z?  Where’s the Q?!

Sidekick: Where’s the omega?

Vigilante: (To Sidekick) It was your idea!

Sidekick: I heard it somewhere!

Villain: It’s one of the longest words in the English language, you twits!  Doesn’t mean it has all the letters in it!

Vigilante and Sidekick: (In realization) Ohhhhh….

Hostage: The answer’s “alphabet.”

Villain: (Points to Hostage) Yes!  Thank you!  Someone here has a brain!  Or at least heard that one before.

Vigilante: (Furrowed brow) I don’t get it.

Villain: No surprise there.  All right, final question and we can all go home; I’ll make this one really easy for you by using one you must have heard before.  Question 3: What travels the world but stays in the corner?

Vigilante: (Jumps up and down while raising a hand) Ooh, I know this one!

Villain: (Smiling excitedly and nodding) Yes?

Vigilante: A clock!

Villain: (Smile falls) No!

Hostage: (Rolls head back) Arghhhh….

Vigilante: Sure it is – well, I guess I should’ve said “grandfather clock”: it stands in the corner but travels as the Earth rotates.  So, it travels the world through space.

Villain: (Mouth is momentarily agape) Unbelievable.  Three gimmes, and you couldn’t even get one!

Vigilante: Sure we did, we got that one!

Villain: No you didn’t!  (To Hostage) You – what was the answer?!

Hostage: (Tiredly) A stamp.

Villain: (Back to the other two) You see!  This one lives in the real world!

Vigilante: (Light dawning) Ah, I get it now – that’s pretty clever.

Villain: Gee, thanks.

Vigilante: Mine was still right, though.

Villain: No it wasn’t!  There’s only one answer!

Vigilante: In your opinion – you asked a question that has multiple answers, so we shouldn’t be penalized just for choosing the one you didn’t pick.

Sidekick: Yeah, and technically, all we had to do was answer your questions three – you never said anything about answering them “correctly.”

(Villain's eyes bulge out in rage, then grabs a firework to throw at Sidekick)

Vigilante: (Stands in Hero Pose in front of Villain) Now-now, I see how this can be frustrating so we’ll make a compromise: ask us one more question, and this time make it really hard.

Hostage: (Practically standing with the chair) NO!  No, we are done here!  (To Vigilante) Either punch out this creep like you should’ve done in the first place – (To Villain) or set off the freakin’ fireworks so at least I’ll be blasted far, far away from here; just somebody do something to end this!

Villain: (Tosses away the detonator, uses a pocket knife to cut the ropes, and pushes Hostage toward Vigilante and Sidekick) Go on, get out of here – I’m disgusted by all of you right now.

Hostage: Hey, I got the answers right!

Villain: (Sinks dejectedly into the chair) Yeah, but you were supposed to be a quiet little victim throughout all this – the whole game’s been ruined.  (Waves the other three off) Now leave me be; I’m exhausted.  Unless you want to take advantage of my moment of weakness and turn me into the authorities?

Vigilante: Nah – you’ve clearly suffered enough at our hands.

Story 433: Video Game Racers

 (Downtime during a family party, Older Cousin wanders into the hosting family’s den and sees Younger Cousin sitting on the couch and playing a video game on the TV)

Older Cousin: Neat – which game is this?

Younger Cousin: (Continues zooming around the virtual course) “Surpassing Siblings Car Race: Grand Prize.”

Older Cousin: (Watches for a bit) Those characters look familiar….

Younger Cousin: Oh yeah, it’s the latest in the “Surpassing Siblings” series.  (Pauses the race, navigates through the system’s main menu, and retrieves a retro-looking, extremely pixelated game) Here’s a version using the original images: they labeled it “Classic Surpassing Siblings: Car Race.”

Older Cousin: “Classic”?!  But I played those games when I was a… kid.

Younger Cousin: (Resumes the first game) If it makes you feel any better, they’ll probably label this version “Classic” by the time I’m your age, which’ll be here before you know it.

Older Cousin: That does help, thanks.

Younger Cousin: (Finishes the race, picks up another game controller, and holds it out to Older Cousin) Would you like to play with me?  It gets a little routine playing against the bots, and my parents discourage me from going online too much and playing against potential trolls.

Older Cousin: (Slowly takes the controller and sits next to Younger Cousin on the couch) I don’t know – I haven’t played much of anything in literally decades, and never with this type of controller….

Younger Cousin: It hasn’t changed too much over the years.  (Points to the buttons) That one makes you go forward, that one makes you turn, this and that make you jump, and this and that make you throw things at the other racers.

Older Cousin: (Nods while examining the controller) OK, cool, I think it’s all coming back to me now.  (Looks up at the screen as Younger Cousin navigates the menu) Which character should I pick?

Younger Cousin: I usually go with Luis, so if you don’t mind me sticking with him then anyone else is fair game.

Older Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) I think I’ll go with… Baroness Berry.  I always liked her sass.

Younger Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) Is it all right with you we race on Topsy-Turvy-Twisty Trail?  It’s not too advanced: there’s only one wormhole hidden on the track.

Older Cousin: …That sounds just fine.

Younger Cousin: (Sets up the course) All right – first one who does three laps wins.  You ready?

Older Cousin: (Muttering while leaning forward on the couch, controller at the ready) Yep, it’s all coming back to me….

 SURPASSING SIBLINGS CAR RACE: GRAND PRIZE

(Luis and Baroness Berry rev their little cars’ engines at the starting grid, surrounded by eight other competitors)

Baroness Berry: (Holding a shiny ball; to Luis) Hey, I don’t remember this in the original game; what is it?

Luis: Glitter bomb.  Really throws everyone for a loop when it goes off.

Baroness Berry: Oh.  (Looks closer at the ball) Sparkly.

 3 – 2 – 1 – GO!

Luis: And we’re off!  (Zooms away down the track and immediately overtakes everyone in the race)

Baroness Berry: (Slowly moves forward, then begins to drift to the right) Hang on – (Tries to turn left, instead turns more right) Wait a sec – (Crashes into a wall, then starts sliding along it)

Robot Player 1: (While speeding by, slows down long enough to toss a projectile at Baroness Berry) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: Huh?  (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds)

Luis: (Slows down while passing by) Just toss your glitter bomb or anything else in your stash as these guys pass.  (Activates a rocket booster to fly over other racers and make up the lost seconds)

Baroness Berry: I’m still trying to figure out how to go in a straight line!  (Starts moving forward and begins picking up speed) Yes – (Passes several racers as they cross a lagoon) Yes – (A sharp turn in a sudden corn field comes up; Baroness Berry tries to turn with it but crashes into a wall again) No – (Slides along the wall, then starts driving in large circles in the middle of the track) No –

Robot Player 2: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then throws the glitter bomb where Robot Player 2 is no longer) Revenge!  (The glitter burst all over the screen but no other racers are affected, since they all are on the other side of the track) So much for that.  (Starts driving in large circles again) No –

Luis: (Passing by) Try hitting the top button.

Baroness Berry: I am hitting the top button!  Why won’t this thing steer straight when I tell it to?!  (Starts to drive diagonally across the track, running over grass and random objects) Does it still count if I go this way?

Luis: (Using dry ice and dish detergent to confound and scatter the other racers) Not sure – never took that way before.

Baroness Berry: (Crashes into Luis on the other side of the track; both spin around) Oh, hello there.

Luis: Hi.  (Dry ices Baroness Berry)

Baroness Berry: Hey!  I’m losing anyway!

Luis: Sorry – force of habit.  (Zooms away)

Baroness Berry: (Moves forward, immediately crashing into a wall) Oh come on!

Robot Player 3: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then zooms after Robot Player 3 and tosses a glitter bomb at the latter’s car; bull’s-eye) Aha!  Take that!  Hey, I think I finally got the hang of – (Crashes into a wall)

Luis: (Crosses the finish line to Robot Audience applause; to Baroness Berry) Not bad – let’s see our scores.

 1^ST PLACE: LUIS – 5,365 POINTS

-

-

-

10^TH PLACE: BARONESS BERRY – 4 POINTS

 Older Cousin: (Raises arms in triumph) Woo-hoo!  More than zero!

Younger Cousin: Yeah, you got a good shot in at the end there.

Older Cousin: (Sets the controller down on the coffee table and rubs eyes) Thanks, but I’m really feeling my age right now.  I can’t believe I couldn’t even steer straight!

Younger Cousin: Well, like everything else, it takes practice even if you’ve done something similar to it before.  You still got most of the basics down, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Older Cousin: Thanks, kid.  (Stretches stiff muscles and creaking bones) Whelp, stuff like this certainly put things in perspective.

Younger Cousin: That it does.  (Starts navigating the menu) Wanna go again?

Older Cousin: (Snatches up the controller from the table) You betcha.