[Inspired by the recent Batman movie and the Riddler tie-in Web site]
(In an abandoned warehouse, Hostage is bound to a chair with a duct-taped mouth while Villain paces impatiently nearby, regularly checking a wristwatch. Suddenly, Vigilante and Sidekick crash through the one glass panel in the ceiling and take some time rappelling down to the floor because their ropes are not long enough. Villain and Hostage side-eye each other briefly as the other two finally leap the last 10 feet, tuck and roll to a stop, flip their respective tangled-up capes out of the way, and strike the Hero Pose with hands on hips, heads flung back, and feet planted firmly apart)
Vigilante: Aha! And so, we have foiled your evil plan and found you at last, tucked away in your secret lair, aha!
Sidekick: Take that, scumbag!
Villain: …This isn’t my secret lair, and I specifically left the front door open so you could come in that way – didn’t you get my voicemail?
Vigilante: (Slightly tilts head to see the open front door, then turns back to Villain) So that’s exactly what you were expecting we’d do, and so – foiled!
Sidekick: To the max!
Villain: (Mutters) Cripes. (Louder) Can we get down to it, please?
Vigilante: I thought you’d never ask!
Sidekick: Yeah, quit stallin’!
Villain: (To Vigilante while motioning to Sidekick) You know, this is why I expressly didn’t invite that one – never mind, forget it, moving on. (Strikes the Villain Pose with hunched shoulders, twiddling fingers, and sinister expression) And so, my fine antagonists –
Vigilante: Actually, we’re the protagonists – you’re the antagonist.
Villain: We’re all our own protagonists and each other’s antagonists! (Cracks neck while calming down) Ahem. And so, you have come here in a pitiful attempt to rescue this – (Gestures to Hostage) creature in my clutches, have you?
Vigilante: Why, yes, that’s the reason we’re all here today – I thought that was understood.
Villain: For the love of – deep breaths, deep breaths – now, here’s the deal: I have placed several large sticks of fireworks under this chair. (Grandly gestures to said fireworks piled high under Hostage’s chair)
Vigilante and Sidekick: Gasp!
Villain: Precisely! (Holds up a detonator) And I will set them off at a moment’s notice –
Vigilante and Sidekick: Double gasp!
Villain: However – !
Vigilante: Oh thank goodness.
Villain: I am willing to spare this miserable wretch’s trip to the Moon, if you can answer these questions three!
Vigilante: Oh no! Wait, why?
Villain: Mwahahaha – sorry, what?
Vigilante: Why would you let anybody go just like that?
Sidekick: Yeah, you already got `em helpless and set these things up hours ago – why not just let `er rip?
(Hostage shakes head vigorously while straining against the chair and yelling through the duct tape)
Villain: Come on, it’s my whole shtick!
Vigilante: Then why do we have to answer the questions; shouldn’t you be making your victim answer and we just come in as an assist?
Villain: You know darn well that you’re my real target, so don’t play coy with me! And so, let us begin: Question 1 –
Vigilante: (Holds up a finger) Hang on, before we start –
Villain: OMG, WHAT?
Vigilante: I’m not really good at these things.
Sidekick: Yeah, I’m better at logic puzzles myself, like “If a train is leaving City A at 200 kph and a train is leaving City B at 230 kph – ”
Villain: One more word out of you and you’re playing catch with a rocket booster here. (Sidekick zips up) Now, Question 1: What’s black and white and read all over?
(Vigilante and Sidekick stare blankly at Villain; Hostage starts struggling and yelling again)
Vigilante: Could you repeat the question, please?
Villain: Seriously? That’s a softball one to lure you into a false sense of security, and you don’t know it?!
Vigilante: Give me a minute!
(Hostage’s yells and struggles get louder)
Villain: (Looks down at the noise) Well that’s getting annoying. (Rips off the duct tape)
Hostage: OWWWWWW!!!!
Villain: (Winces) Ooh, sorry – I always forget how ripping off a bandage feels for something like this. So, you have something to share with the group?
Hostage: (After working out jaw) A newspaper!
Vigilante: Huh?
Hostage: That’s the answer! A newspaper!
Vigilante: Newspapers aren’t red – they’re just black and white.
Hostage: What?!
Villain: (To Vigilante) It’s a homophone, you dolt! R-E-A-D, not R-E-D! Although, that is part of the joke, so I can see where the confusion lies.
Sidekick: I thought it was a riddle, not a joke?
Villain: (Picks up a firework and shakes it at Sidekick) Don’t make me toss one of these at you; I’m saving them for our friend here. (Throws it back under the chair) Anyway, that really shouldn’t count since you – (Points to Vigilante) were the one supposed to answer, but I’ll allow it.
Hostage: It’s my life at stake here, I should be allowed to pitch in!
Villain: Don’t abuse my generosity. Now, Question 2: What word has all the letters in it?
(Vigilante and Sidekick hesitate a bit, then huddle up and begin whispering)
Hostage: (Jumping in the chair) Ooh – ooh – ooh –
Villain: Shut it; let them work it out for themselves.
Hostage: But why?
Villain: I’m getting invested in their mental struggles.
(Vigilante and Sidekick triumphantly turn back to the other two)
Vigilante: Antidisestablishmentarianism.
(Hostage slumps)
Villain: What – how – who – that doesn’t have all the letters in it! Where’s the Z? Where’s the Q?!
Sidekick: Where’s the omega?
Vigilante: (To Sidekick) It was your idea!
Sidekick: I heard it somewhere!
Villain: It’s one of the longest words in the English language, you twits! Doesn’t mean it has all the letters in it!
Vigilante and Sidekick: (In realization) Ohhhhh….
Hostage: The answer’s “alphabet.”
Villain: (Points to Hostage) Yes! Thank you! Someone here has a brain! Or at least heard that one before.
Vigilante: (Furrowed brow) I don’t get it.
Villain: No surprise there. All right, final question and we can all go home; I’ll make this one really easy for you by using one you must have heard before. Question 3: What travels the world but stays in the corner?
Vigilante: (Jumps up and down while raising a hand) Ooh, I know this one!
Villain: (Smiling excitedly and nodding) Yes?
Vigilante: A clock!
Villain: (Smile falls) No!
Hostage: (Rolls head back) Arghhhh….
Vigilante: Sure it is – well, I guess I should’ve said “grandfather clock”: it stands in the corner but travels as the Earth rotates. So, it travels the world through space.
Villain: (Mouth is momentarily agape) Unbelievable. Three gimmes, and you couldn’t even get one!
Vigilante: Sure we did, we got that one!
Villain: No you didn’t! (To Hostage) You – what was the answer?!
Hostage: (Tiredly) A stamp.
Villain: (Back to the other two) You see! This one lives in the real world!
Vigilante: (Light dawning) Ah, I get it now – that’s pretty clever.
Villain: Gee, thanks.
Vigilante: Mine was still right, though.
Villain: No it wasn’t! There’s only one answer!
Vigilante: In your opinion – you asked a question that has multiple answers, so we shouldn’t be penalized just for choosing the one you didn’t pick.
Sidekick: Yeah, and technically, all we had to do was answer your questions three – you never said anything about answering them “correctly.”
(Villain's eyes bulge out in rage, then grabs a firework to throw at Sidekick)
Vigilante: (Stands in Hero Pose in front of Villain) Now-now, I see how this can be frustrating so we’ll make a compromise: ask us one more question, and this time make it really hard.
Hostage: (Practically standing with the chair) NO! No, we are done here! (To Vigilante) Either punch out this creep like you should’ve done in the first place – (To Villain) or set off the freakin’ fireworks so at least I’ll be blasted far, far away from here; just somebody do something to end this!
Villain: (Tosses away the detonator, uses a pocket knife to cut the ropes, and pushes Hostage toward Vigilante and Sidekick) Go on, get out of here – I’m disgusted by all of you right now.
Hostage: Hey, I got the answers right!
Villain: (Sinks dejectedly into the chair) Yeah, but you were supposed to be a quiet little victim throughout all this – the whole game’s been ruined. (Waves the other three off) Now leave me be; I’m exhausted. Unless you want to take advantage of my moment of weakness and turn me into the authorities?
Vigilante: Nah – you’ve clearly suffered enough at our hands.
