Story 436: Low Iron in the Blood

 (At a local blood drive in a rental hall)

Friend 1: (Sits propped up on a stretcher; to Friend 2) You see?  Being a tad overweight has its benefits: for the first time in my life, I am finally able to give the gift of life.

Friend 2: (Answering e-mails on cell phone) True, but I don’t think the future recipient really wants all that sugar you downed at Mardi Gras included with the red blood cells you’re passing along.

Friend 1: That night is not to be spoken of.

Phlebotomist: (Approaching with collection set and other supplies) Hello, you all ready for this?

Friend 1: (Steels self by gripping the sides of the stretcher) I’m ready, Doc: drain me!

Phlebotomist: I’m not a doctor, and we don’t even take half your volume.  (Preps Friend 1’s arm and holds out a small tube wrapped in paper) Here.

Friend 1: Is this for me to stifle my screams?

Phlebotomist: No, it’s for you to flex your hand every five to 10 seconds to keep your vein nice and limber.  (Friend 1 holds the tube as Phlebotomist is ready to insert the needle) Wanna watch?

Friend 1: Yes?  No!  (Phlebotomist inserts the needle) Too late.

Friend 2: (Watches as blood begins to flow and Phlebotomist preps the collection set to rest on a seesawing platform) Neat.

Phlebotomist: Yeah, this’ll go on for about 20 minutes.

Friend 1: (Watching the continuous red line) Ewwww….

Friend 2: What kind of training is involved to do this?

Friend 1: Traitor!  You’re supposed to help preserve my bodily fluids!

Friend 2: You volunteered for this because you’d said you “didn’t want to feel like a completely useless piece of humanity.”

Friend 1: I changed my mind!  (Holds a hand to forehead and slumps) I think I’m feeling faint from the blood loss, help….

Phlebotomist: Barely anything’s gone out of you – by the way, you get bagels and cookies when we’re done here.

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Mmmm, the goodies.

 20 MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 is unhooked from the set-up and escorted to a table where Friend 2 is snacking on pretzels)

Friend 2: (Looking up as Friend 1 shakily sits) Ah, you made it!  (Slaps a sticker on Friend 1’s shirt)

Friend 1: (Tries to read it upside-down) What the blazes is this?

Friend 2: A cute little reminder to the world that you’re a first-time lifesaver.  I am proud of you, you know.

Friend 1: (Takes a tentative sip of fruit juice) Thanks, that makes one of us.  I did it purely for the accolades.

Friend 2: Don’t I know it.

Friend 1: (As a Volunteer approaches their table) Ah yes, the foretold meal: I’ll take an extremely rare flank steak, stuffed potato, and all the rolls, please.

Volunteer: We have plain bagels with cream cheese or butter.

Friend 1: Cream cheese will suffice, I thank you.  (Pulls out a piece of paper as Volunteer leaves to retrieve the food) I never actually read the receipt they gave me – I think it may have post-emptying instructions.

Friend 2: (Takes the form to read) Oh yeah, it just tells you how you might feel afterward, and that you need to replenish your iron.

Friend 1: Eh?

Friend 2: Your iron.  You lost a bit and it takes a while for your body to replenish it, so they suggest you go out and get some.

Friend 1: And how am I supposed to do that?!

Friend 2: Eat it.  You take a multivitamin, right?

Friend 1: Why would I?!

Friend 2: Never mind.  Just start taking one now, or go out and get some iron.

Friend 1: Why was I not told about this before I signed up to give away my life source?!

Friend 2: It’s not a big deal.

Friend 1: Says the one who’s not suddenly iron deficient!  (Volunteers returns with the bagel) Thank you, good Volunteer – your service will not go unrewarded.

Volunteer: We’re not allowed to accept tips.

Friend 1: Nor was I about to give you one.  (Volunteer leaves as Friend 1 chows down) I suppose this lump of fungal dough and bacteria-riddled cow secretions wouldn’t have much iron, would it?

Friend 2: (With a disgusted look) When you put it like that….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Friend 1, pale and shaky, sits at the kitchen table at home, staring at a pile of pennies spread out on a placemat)

Friend 1: It’s perfectly natural… it’s found in Nature… all the other animals are doing it…. (Slowly picks up a penny and brings it closer; cellphone rings and Friend 1 picks it up immediately) Yep?

Friend 2: You’re not about to eat your spare change, are you?

Friend 1: Nooooo…..

Friend 2: Want me to get you some kale?

Friend 1: Vegetables, gross!  (Disconnects the call and stares off into space) There must be some other way….

 OVERNIGHT

(In a supermarket, a Security Guard patrols the darkened aisles with a flashlight)

Security Guard: (Muttering to self) If I see that cat in here one more time, I am calling the Humane Society, I don’t care what they say – (Hears a muffled crash and swings around sharply) Who’s there?  (Waits a few beats) Why do I always ask that as if anybody’d really answer me?  (Runs to the produce aisle where the noise was and sweeps around the flashlight) If you’re stealing food, I can tell you right now it’s all borderline!  (The flashlight catches Friend 1, perched on top of a rack of shelves, biting down on a metal beam) What in the world?!

Friend 1: (Shields eyes with arm) Don’t witness my shame!  (Flees out the automated front door, wailing)

Security Guard: (Stares closer at the metal beam) The wildlife in here’s getting weirder and weirder.

THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 2 knocks on Friend 1’s door, carrying grocery bags)

Friend 2: (When the door opens) Hi, I got – what happened to you?

Friend 1: (Appears wretchedly frazzled) Nothing!  Nothing at all!  (Eyes widen upon seeing the bags) Is that iron?

Friend 2: (Holds out a bag) Well, I got your dreaded kale, plus some dried fruit and –

Friend 1: (Grabs the bag and Friend 2, pulling the latter into the apartment) Move!

Friend 2: (Closes the door and begins emptying the bags onto the kitchen counter; side-eyes Friend 1) You’ll want to wash that off first.

Friend 1: (Mouth is wide open to take a huge bite of kale) I was just about to.  (Washes off the kale, then begins eating it raw)

Friend 2: (Tries to ignore this while organizing the food) You know, in a way this may be a good thing; get you to eat a little healthier.  (Holds up a can) When’s the last time you had any beans?

Friend 1: (Chewing) Beans and I aren’t on speaking turns.  (Suddenly notices the can, grabs it out of Friend 2’s hand, and begins sniffing it all around intensely)

Friend 2: That’s aluminum.

Friend 1: Oh.  (Tosses the can back to Friend 2 and resumes devouring the kale)

Friend 2: I also got you some iron pills – you seem a bit more anemic than I first thought.

Friend 1: I’m not anemic, I just need iron!

Friend 2: What do you think “anemic” means?

Friend 1: Whatever – you’re not my dietitian!  (Finished with the kale, starts tearing open a bag of dried apricots)

 Friend 2: OK, I’m heading out.  You don’t have to pay for all this, but a simple “Thank you” would be nice.

Friend 1: (Grabs a wad of cash lying about and shoves it into Friend 2’s jeans pocket) Thank you, supplier!  (Continues eating the entire bag of fruit)

Friend 2: (Backs away slowly) Yeah – so, I’m going to go meet up with my family for Passover Seder tonight, so I hope you feel well enough to meet up with your family for Easter dinner tomorrow, OK?

Friend 1: (Freezes, then swallows fruit in a gulp) Easter?  Tomorrow’s Easter?

Friend 2: Well yeah, the two holidays pretty much go together.

Friend 1: Oh no, this is a disaster!

Friend 2: Why, you’ll have to bow out?

Friend 1: I can’t – I’m supposed to host!

Friend 2: Your life really is a hot mess.

Story 340: Cooking by Substitution

[Online video titled “Remember to Insert Title Later”; currently has 5,372 views and two likes]

(In a home kitchen, Chef pops up from behind the counter)

Chef: Hello, culinary world, and welcome to the first episode of my new show, “Home Cooking Fancy Meals” – hold up, doesn’t sound right when I say it out loud – “Fancy Meals Using Home Cooking”?  “Fancy Cooking for Home Meals”?  “Fancy Home Cooking Fancy Meals”?  Whatever; I’ll figure it out later.  Now – (Heaves up a 16-quart stock pot from a lower shelf and drops it loudly onto the counter) let’s begin, shall we?

(Jump cut to Chef surrounded by vegetables, spices, and knives)

Chef: Our soup recipe calls for kale, but the store was all out when I went there and I am not going back again, so we’ll make do with chard – close enough, and soup’s not gonna complain, am-I-right?  (Begins chopping wildly; chard flies everywhere; this goes on for some time) 

Chef: (Wipes brow) Whoo, that was a workout – if any of you folks out there are ambidextrous, you can multitask by making dinner and having your arm day at the same time.  And on to the beans!  (Starts opening many cans) If the recipe calls for low sodium beans but your local store insists on only stocking triple-digit milligrams of the stuff, just run them under the water for a bit and wash all that heart-clogging salt down the drain, yippee!  (While rinsing beans in a colander, Chef picks up a can and reads the label) Huh, this was a low-sodium one after all – I retract my previous slander.  (Begins dumping beans into the pot) By the way, don’t feel obligated to get the exact type of bean listed in the recipe – when it comes down to it, a bean’s a bean’s a bean, know-what-I-mean, heh-heh-heh?  All the flavor’s gonna be cooked out of them anyway, so who cares if it’s kidney or cannellini?

Off-Screen Voice: That’s the same thing.

Chef: I told you earlier – you don’t exist in this video!

(Jump cut to more can-opening)

Chef: (Struggling with an opener on a small can) Now, you may find that when you start making your fancy meal, you picked up one item by mistake when the recipe calls for another – is it your fault you read “tomato paste” on your shopping list when your smudged handwriting actually said “tomato puree?”  (Finally removes the lid) Well yes, it is, but one makes do.  (Dumps tomato paste into the pot and stirs with resistance) Honestly, I think they just market different ways of chopping up the same vegetable to get you to buy more, don’t you agree?  Comment below!

Off-Screen Voice: Comments’ll say tomato’s a fruit.

Chef: Troll.

(Jump cut to Chef pouring broth into the pot)

Chef: Recipe says “12 ounces of chicken broth”; I got a quart of vegetable broth.  (Leans towards the camera to whisper) I won’t tell if you won’t.

Off-Screen Voice: You just told the world.

Chef: Oh for –

(Jump cut to a line-up of spices)

Chef: Right: fresh garlic, fresh basil, fresh parsley… don’t exist in this kitchen, so we’re using these handy-dandy dried-up versions.  (Begins sprinkling a bit of each into the mixture in the pot, which is now on the stove) And folks, don’t let little things like “teaspoons” and “cloves” and “liters” and whatnot scare you off: let your eye and your heart be the judge – cooking is by feel, dagnabbit!  (A lid on one of the containers falls off into the pot, with a bunch of the spice falling in after) Oops.  Reverse, reverse!  (Begins scooping out the lid and some of the excess spice with a spoon)

(Jump cut to closer view of Chef stirring a reddish mixture in the pot) Doesn’t really match the picture – but it never does, am-I-right?

            Off-Screen Voice: It should at least be close.

            Chef: Nobody asked you!

            Off-Screen Voice: You literally just did.

            (Chef throws a towel at the camera; jump cut to Chef turning down the heat on the stove)

           Chef: So, since it’s reached boiling, we’re now going to turn down the heat to let it simmer for… (Looks at a cookbook) four hours?!  That can’t be right; I’m hungry now!  (Looks closer at the page) Oh, this was supposed to be for a slow cooker.  Well, since I don’t have one, simmering on the stove for half an hour should be just as good if not better, don’t you agree?

            (Jump cut to Chef sitting at a table with a bowl of the soup and a spoon)

          Chef: And now, to taste the final results of all our hard work today!  (Eats a spoonful and smacks lips) Hm.  A bit bland, and more of a stew than a soup, but there you have it!  Fancy meal with all the self-contained trimmings, right in your very own home!  Thank you for watching; if you enjoyed this even a tiny bit, please hit “Like” and “Subscribe” below so I get sponsors and can embed commercials for them, thanks much, I love you all!

            Off-Screen Voice: You forgot the cheese topping.

            Chef: Turn off the camera.