Story 433: Video Game Racers

 (Downtime during a family party, Older Cousin wanders into the hosting family’s den and sees Younger Cousin sitting on the couch and playing a video game on the TV)

Older Cousin: Neat – which game is this?

Younger Cousin: (Continues zooming around the virtual course) “Surpassing Siblings Car Race: Grand Prize.”

Older Cousin: (Watches for a bit) Those characters look familiar….

Younger Cousin: Oh yeah, it’s the latest in the “Surpassing Siblings” series.  (Pauses the race, navigates through the system’s main menu, and retrieves a retro-looking, extremely pixelated game) Here’s a version using the original images: they labeled it “Classic Surpassing Siblings: Car Race.”

Older Cousin: “Classic”?!  But I played those games when I was a… kid.

Younger Cousin: (Resumes the first game) If it makes you feel any better, they’ll probably label this version “Classic” by the time I’m your age, which’ll be here before you know it.

Older Cousin: That does help, thanks.

Younger Cousin: (Finishes the race, picks up another game controller, and holds it out to Older Cousin) Would you like to play with me?  It gets a little routine playing against the bots, and my parents discourage me from going online too much and playing against potential trolls.

Older Cousin: (Slowly takes the controller and sits next to Younger Cousin on the couch) I don’t know – I haven’t played much of anything in literally decades, and never with this type of controller….

Younger Cousin: It hasn’t changed too much over the years.  (Points to the buttons) That one makes you go forward, that one makes you turn, this and that make you jump, and this and that make you throw things at the other racers.

Older Cousin: (Nods while examining the controller) OK, cool, I think it’s all coming back to me now.  (Looks up at the screen as Younger Cousin navigates the menu) Which character should I pick?

Younger Cousin: I usually go with Luis, so if you don’t mind me sticking with him then anyone else is fair game.

Older Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) I think I’ll go with… Baroness Berry.  I always liked her sass.

Younger Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) Is it all right with you we race on Topsy-Turvy-Twisty Trail?  It’s not too advanced: there’s only one wormhole hidden on the track.

Older Cousin: …That sounds just fine.

Younger Cousin: (Sets up the course) All right – first one who does three laps wins.  You ready?

Older Cousin: (Muttering while leaning forward on the couch, controller at the ready) Yep, it’s all coming back to me….

 SURPASSING SIBLINGS CAR RACE: GRAND PRIZE

(Luis and Baroness Berry rev their little cars’ engines at the starting grid, surrounded by eight other competitors)

Baroness Berry: (Holding a shiny ball; to Luis) Hey, I don’t remember this in the original game; what is it?

Luis: Glitter bomb.  Really throws everyone for a loop when it goes off.

Baroness Berry: Oh.  (Looks closer at the ball) Sparkly.

 3 – 2 – 1 – GO!

Luis: And we’re off!  (Zooms away down the track and immediately overtakes everyone in the race)

Baroness Berry: (Slowly moves forward, then begins to drift to the right) Hang on – (Tries to turn left, instead turns more right) Wait a sec – (Crashes into a wall, then starts sliding along it)

Robot Player 1: (While speeding by, slows down long enough to toss a projectile at Baroness Berry) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: Huh?  (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds)

Luis: (Slows down while passing by) Just toss your glitter bomb or anything else in your stash as these guys pass.  (Activates a rocket booster to fly over other racers and make up the lost seconds)

Baroness Berry: I’m still trying to figure out how to go in a straight line!  (Starts moving forward and begins picking up speed) Yes – (Passes several racers as they cross a lagoon) Yes – (A sharp turn in a sudden corn field comes up; Baroness Berry tries to turn with it but crashes into a wall again) No – (Slides along the wall, then starts driving in large circles in the middle of the track) No –

Robot Player 2: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then throws the glitter bomb where Robot Player 2 is no longer) Revenge!  (The glitter burst all over the screen but no other racers are affected, since they all are on the other side of the track) So much for that.  (Starts driving in large circles again) No –

Luis: (Passing by) Try hitting the top button.

Baroness Berry: I am hitting the top button!  Why won’t this thing steer straight when I tell it to?!  (Starts to drive diagonally across the track, running over grass and random objects) Does it still count if I go this way?

Luis: (Using dry ice and dish detergent to confound and scatter the other racers) Not sure – never took that way before.

Baroness Berry: (Crashes into Luis on the other side of the track; both spin around) Oh, hello there.

Luis: Hi.  (Dry ices Baroness Berry)

Baroness Berry: Hey!  I’m losing anyway!

Luis: Sorry – force of habit.  (Zooms away)

Baroness Berry: (Moves forward, immediately crashing into a wall) Oh come on!

Robot Player 3: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then zooms after Robot Player 3 and tosses a glitter bomb at the latter’s car; bull’s-eye) Aha!  Take that!  Hey, I think I finally got the hang of – (Crashes into a wall)

Luis: (Crosses the finish line to Robot Audience applause; to Baroness Berry) Not bad – let’s see our scores.

 1^ST PLACE: LUIS – 5,365 POINTS

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10^TH PLACE: BARONESS BERRY – 4 POINTS

 Older Cousin: (Raises arms in triumph) Woo-hoo!  More than zero!

Younger Cousin: Yeah, you got a good shot in at the end there.

Older Cousin: (Sets the controller down on the coffee table and rubs eyes) Thanks, but I’m really feeling my age right now.  I can’t believe I couldn’t even steer straight!

Younger Cousin: Well, like everything else, it takes practice even if you’ve done something similar to it before.  You still got most of the basics down, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Older Cousin: Thanks, kid.  (Stretches stiff muscles and creaking bones) Whelp, stuff like this certainly put things in perspective.

Younger Cousin: That it does.  (Starts navigating the menu) Wanna go again?

Older Cousin: (Snatches up the controller from the table) You betcha.

Story 216: The Counterpoint to a Classic

            (At a café table, surrounded by garlands, snow families, gingerbread houses, and menorahs)

            Friend 1: (While blowing on a hot drink) I feel like I can’t really relax and enjoy the ambience of the moment when my attention keeps getting drawn to those struggling baristas and their mile-long line.

            Customer: (On line next to the table) I used to be one of those – you tend to get in a zone until the shift’s over.  Just try to tip, though, `cause that really helps out.

            Friend 1: Heh-heh, oh boy.  (Runs with wallet to the tip jar and runs back to the table) What was I saying?

           Friend 2: (Having finished three cookies and working on a fourth) How you can’t relax in crowds.

            Friend 1: Yeah.  I want to fully experience the holiday season this year but since everybody else is too, it’s kind of distracting.  (Sips drink and burns tongue) And that’s now ruined.  What I should do is go home, curl up with a blanket, and read A Jolly Olde Solstice Song like I do every year.  I just love that story – it truly gets the spirit of the season and what it’s all about, know what I mean?

            Friend 2: I’m surprised you like to read that one.

            Friend 1: Why, you think it’s too sappy for me?  It is, but somehow it works.  You know, the heartfelt reunions, the plight of the poor, the importance of family and friends, the reminder to tithe – this story literally has it all!  --- ---- was a genius, I say, an absolute genius, and I never use that word on anyone!

            Friend 2: Can’t argue with that, but I’m surprised social-justice you enjoy it knowing what he did.

            Friend 1: Why, what’d he do?

            Friend 2: You don’t know?

            Friend 1: No, and get that smug look off your face – it drives everyone bonkers when you do it.

            Friend 2: Oh.  (Frowns)  I never realized I had a smug look.

            Friend 1: Then I’m the first to tell you.  So, what’d he do?  I’m irrationally anxious about this now.

            Friend 2: Well, for one thing, he was a polygamist.

            Friend 1: He was a what-now?

            Friend 2: He was married to four women and a plant – that last one wasn’t official, but in his mind it was.

            Friend 1: Ew!  Did any of the four women know about each other?

            Friend 2: Two did, but what were they going to do about it?  It was Victorian England – they’d consider themselves lucky they weren’t being beaten every night.

            Friend 1: I guess, but four wives?  Why would he even want to go past one?

           Friend 2: Basically so he could get their families’ money and produce a bajillion heirs he didn’t have to raise.  Didn’t you read his 10^th son’s tell-all?

          Friend 1: What, Father Mine, Where Art Thine Love?  I thought that was just revisionist fiction.

            Friend 2: No, it was pretty accurate non-fiction.  Family prime’s lawyer backed up most of it after having to sort through the avalanche of ----‘s tawdry papers when he died.

            Friend 1: Mm.  Well, I suppose everyone has a few skeletons in their closets, right?  It’s not as if he had any literal ones, right?

            Friend 2: Weeellll….

           Friend 1: (Slams paper cup onto the table) No.  Smug look off and tell me it’s a slanderous rumor with no basis in fact.

            Friend 2: No and no – it could never be proven, but right before A Jolly Olde Solstice Song was published there was this one guy who disappeared after a big fight at ----‘s main house, and everybody thinks the London police covered it up because the scandal would have destroyed the British Empire.

            Friend 1: And who is this “everybody”?

            Friend 2: You know, everybody.

            Friend 1: Well that’s certainly definitive.  Did anybody ever think that maybe the guy just left town?

            Friend 2: That’s the unpopular version; but there was this other time –

            Friend 1: I don’t want to hear it.

          Friend 2: Too bad: there was this other time where ---- said he was sent to debtors’ prison when he was an infant, when in fact he only had been pushed in his carriage past one.  He actually grew up pretty well off and publicly stated that he wished beggars on the street would just shove off already.

            Friend 1: But – but – the plight of the poor!

            Friend 2: He also said that he regretted that they’d always be with us, asking for money.

           Friend 1: (Stares at cold drink) I don’t understand.  How could something so wonderful have been written by someone who embodied the exact opposite of the values he was writing about?!  Why is everything like this always ruined by their douchey creators?!

            Friend 2: Who knows?  Maybe that work was his mitzvah.

            Friend 1: I don’t think he was Jewish.

            Friend 2: You don’t have to be Jewish to do a mitzvah, it’s just a good deed.  Maybe A Jolly Olde Solstice Song was his atonement for a lifetime of being a scumbag.  A balance to offset his moral pollution, if you will.

            Friend 1: I guess.  I certainly will never read it in the same way again.  I don’t even know if I can ever read it again.

           Friend 2: I wouldn’t let his sordid past bother you too much – you’d never read anything again if you knew half of what their authors were really like.