Story 433: Video Game Racers

 (Downtime during a family party, Older Cousin wanders into the hosting family’s den and sees Younger Cousin sitting on the couch and playing a video game on the TV)

Older Cousin: Neat – which game is this?

Younger Cousin: (Continues zooming around the virtual course) “Surpassing Siblings Car Race: Grand Prize.”

Older Cousin: (Watches for a bit) Those characters look familiar….

Younger Cousin: Oh yeah, it’s the latest in the “Surpassing Siblings” series.  (Pauses the race, navigates through the system’s main menu, and retrieves a retro-looking, extremely pixelated game) Here’s a version using the original images: they labeled it “Classic Surpassing Siblings: Car Race.”

Older Cousin: “Classic”?!  But I played those games when I was a… kid.

Younger Cousin: (Resumes the first game) If it makes you feel any better, they’ll probably label this version “Classic” by the time I’m your age, which’ll be here before you know it.

Older Cousin: That does help, thanks.

Younger Cousin: (Finishes the race, picks up another game controller, and holds it out to Older Cousin) Would you like to play with me?  It gets a little routine playing against the bots, and my parents discourage me from going online too much and playing against potential trolls.

Older Cousin: (Slowly takes the controller and sits next to Younger Cousin on the couch) I don’t know – I haven’t played much of anything in literally decades, and never with this type of controller….

Younger Cousin: It hasn’t changed too much over the years.  (Points to the buttons) That one makes you go forward, that one makes you turn, this and that make you jump, and this and that make you throw things at the other racers.

Older Cousin: (Nods while examining the controller) OK, cool, I think it’s all coming back to me now.  (Looks up at the screen as Younger Cousin navigates the menu) Which character should I pick?

Younger Cousin: I usually go with Luis, so if you don’t mind me sticking with him then anyone else is fair game.

Older Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) I think I’ll go with… Baroness Berry.  I always liked her sass.

Younger Cousin: (Navigates through the menu) Is it all right with you we race on Topsy-Turvy-Twisty Trail?  It’s not too advanced: there’s only one wormhole hidden on the track.

Older Cousin: …That sounds just fine.

Younger Cousin: (Sets up the course) All right – first one who does three laps wins.  You ready?

Older Cousin: (Muttering while leaning forward on the couch, controller at the ready) Yep, it’s all coming back to me….

 SURPASSING SIBLINGS CAR RACE: GRAND PRIZE

(Luis and Baroness Berry rev their little cars’ engines at the starting grid, surrounded by eight other competitors)

Baroness Berry: (Holding a shiny ball; to Luis) Hey, I don’t remember this in the original game; what is it?

Luis: Glitter bomb.  Really throws everyone for a loop when it goes off.

Baroness Berry: Oh.  (Looks closer at the ball) Sparkly.

 3 – 2 – 1 – GO!

Luis: And we’re off!  (Zooms away down the track and immediately overtakes everyone in the race)

Baroness Berry: (Slowly moves forward, then begins to drift to the right) Hang on – (Tries to turn left, instead turns more right) Wait a sec – (Crashes into a wall, then starts sliding along it)

Robot Player 1: (While speeding by, slows down long enough to toss a projectile at Baroness Berry) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: Huh?  (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds)

Luis: (Slows down while passing by) Just toss your glitter bomb or anything else in your stash as these guys pass.  (Activates a rocket booster to fly over other racers and make up the lost seconds)

Baroness Berry: I’m still trying to figure out how to go in a straight line!  (Starts moving forward and begins picking up speed) Yes – (Passes several racers as they cross a lagoon) Yes – (A sharp turn in a sudden corn field comes up; Baroness Berry tries to turn with it but crashes into a wall again) No – (Slides along the wall, then starts driving in large circles in the middle of the track) No –

Robot Player 2: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then throws the glitter bomb where Robot Player 2 is no longer) Revenge!  (The glitter burst all over the screen but no other racers are affected, since they all are on the other side of the track) So much for that.  (Starts driving in large circles again) No –

Luis: (Passing by) Try hitting the top button.

Baroness Berry: I am hitting the top button!  Why won’t this thing steer straight when I tell it to?!  (Starts to drive diagonally across the track, running over grass and random objects) Does it still count if I go this way?

Luis: (Using dry ice and dish detergent to confound and scatter the other racers) Not sure – never took that way before.

Baroness Berry: (Crashes into Luis on the other side of the track; both spin around) Oh, hello there.

Luis: Hi.  (Dry ices Baroness Berry)

Baroness Berry: Hey!  I’m losing anyway!

Luis: Sorry – force of habit.  (Zooms away)

Baroness Berry: (Moves forward, immediately crashing into a wall) Oh come on!

Robot Player 3: (Speeding by) Papaya peel!

Baroness Berry: (Is spun around in tight circles for several seconds, then zooms after Robot Player 3 and tosses a glitter bomb at the latter’s car; bull’s-eye) Aha!  Take that!  Hey, I think I finally got the hang of – (Crashes into a wall)

Luis: (Crosses the finish line to Robot Audience applause; to Baroness Berry) Not bad – let’s see our scores.

 1^ST PLACE: LUIS – 5,365 POINTS

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10^TH PLACE: BARONESS BERRY – 4 POINTS

 Older Cousin: (Raises arms in triumph) Woo-hoo!  More than zero!

Younger Cousin: Yeah, you got a good shot in at the end there.

Older Cousin: (Sets the controller down on the coffee table and rubs eyes) Thanks, but I’m really feeling my age right now.  I can’t believe I couldn’t even steer straight!

Younger Cousin: Well, like everything else, it takes practice even if you’ve done something similar to it before.  You still got most of the basics down, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Older Cousin: Thanks, kid.  (Stretches stiff muscles and creaking bones) Whelp, stuff like this certainly put things in perspective.

Younger Cousin: That it does.  (Starts navigating the menu) Wanna go again?

Older Cousin: (Snatches up the controller from the table) You betcha.

Story 336: Best Staycation EVER!

            (At home, Employee is wearing pajamas and stretched out on the bed, with a laptop, phone, and snacks within easy reach)

            Employee: (Scrolling through work e-mail) Sweet, no one expects me to answer these things in two seconds anymore; I could get used to this.  (Phone rings; Employee checks the caller ID and answers with a slight frown) Hey Boss, since Corporate won’t issue me a phone this call is eating up my minutes, what’s up?

            Manager: Yeah, so, I’m sure you’ve figured out by now we’ve not done so well this past quarter –

            Employee: No kidding, but at least our misery has global company this time, know-what-I-mean?

            Manager: …Right, so, I spoke with H.R. and they said you need to take a two-week vacation.  Starting now.

            Employee: (Sits up suddenly, disturbing potato chips) What?!  I’ve been saving those hours for Miami in the fall!

            Manager: Yeah, well, you may have all the hours in the fall if you don’t take your vacation now, know what I mean?

            Employee: Oh.  But the fall?

            Manager: Worry about the fall when it’s the fall – even after the two weeks you might have to be furloughed just so there’s still a company after all this is over.

           Employee: I guess – but Boss, hardly anything around here’s open, what am I gonna do for two-plus weeks?

           Manager: Don’t know and don’t care, just do your part and stay home!  And hopefully see you on the other side.

            Employee: What?  (Hears the call disconnect; stares at the phone, then at the laptop as the work e-mail access is cut off) Hm.  Indefinite vacation, nowhere to go, and nothing to do.  (Stares at the computer, then smiles evilly while flexing hands) Do my part, eh?  Golden age of technology, here I come.

            (An hour later, a masked food delivery worker arrives at Employee’s condo door, knocks, and sets down the bag just as Employee opens the door, still wearing pajamas and a bare face)

            Employee: Howdy!

            Food Delivery Worker: Ah!  You already paid!  (Flees)

          Employee: (Picks up the bag while staring at the fleeing figure) Must be new on the job.  (Returns indoors and dumps the bag and its contents just everywhere)

          (An hour later, a masked mail carrier arrives and sets down a package just as Employee opens the door, still wearing pajamas and a bare face)

            Employee: Howdy!

          Mail Carrier: Dude, wait till I’m gone, you all never leave me alone on a good day!  (Flees; barking dogs follow) Oh come on!

            Employee: (Picks up the package) Guess I’d be grumpy too if I had go through snow, rain, heat, and gloom of night.   (Returns indoors and dumps the box and its contents just everywhere) At last, I can finally watch the entire series in all its glory.  Again.  (Pulls out a DVD sleeve) Ew, not Season 1, though – that was garbage.  (Tosses it aside and brings the rest of the collection to the living room while rubbing eyes)

            (An hour later, Employee arrives at a video game store and is sprayed with disinfectant from head-to-toe by the hazmat-suited employee at the entrance)

            Video Game Store Employee: (Muffled voice) What do you want?

            Employee: (Spitting out disinfectant) And good day to you, too – (Holds out a disc in a case) I finished this and want a new one.

          Video Game Store Employee: (Grabs the case with a pair of tongs, tosses it over the front counter, then uses a separate pair of tongs to grab a random case and tosses it into Employee’s hands) Here – we’ll charge it to your account, now get out!

            Employee: (Turns over the case) But I don’t know anything about this one – can I test it out?  (Gestures with the case at the demo station, which is covered in caution tape)

            Video Game Store Employee: I wouldn’t.

            (On the way home, Employee detours onto the parkway)

            Employee: (Driving close to 100 mph with all the windows down) Woo-hoo!  Outta my way, slowpokes – oh that’s right, THERE’S NO ONE ELSE HERE!  (Reaches 100 mph) This is THE LIFE!  This is FREEDOM!  WHEEEEEE!!!! (Hears sirens and sees flashing lights in the rearview mirror) Oh, they’re still on the roads.

            (Several hours later, Employee waits in the condo development’s parking lot as a tow truck bearing a brand new car arrives)

            Employee: Yesssss!  Just the color I wanted and everything.  (Shouts to the masked driver) You can drop it into this spot here – my old car’s in impound, so they can keep it!  (As the driver lowers the car into the spot, Employee sees a masked neighbor out walking the dog) Howdy!  (Neighbor and dog stop to stare at the spectacle, Neighbor with furrowed eyebrows.  Employee chuckles and makes a show of pulling T-shirt over nose and mouth; immediately drops it after Neighbor and dog move on)

            Tow Truck Driver: (Unchaining new car) Be out of your way in a minute.

            Employee: No worries – I’ve got all the time in the world.  (Holds out some bills when the job is done)

           Tow Truck Driver: I don’t want your filthy money!  (Runs into the tow truck and speeds away)

            Employee: Hm.  Seems no one wants to get paid lately.

            (Later that night, Employee is playing the new video game)

           Employee: Ugh, these boss battles are the worst!  Knew they should’ve let me test it out, those wimps.  (The power suddenly cuts out as the entire development moans in unison) Great, now what am I gonna do?!  (There is a knock on the door) Ooh, pizza’s here!

(Within an hour, the power is restored)

Employee: (Sitting on the couch, texting on the phone when the lights suddenly blaze back on) Whew, thought we had an actual crisis there for a bit.  (Tries to start the video game on the TV again but sees that the modem now is damaged from a power surge) Oh no, another disaster!  When will this madness end?!  (Works on the phone while muttering) I’ll just hop on next door’s foolishly unsecure Wi-Fi and we’ll be back in business….

            (An hour later, a drone gently beats against Employee’s window; Employee opens it and takes a box from the drone)

            Drone: (Computer voice) Do not touch me.  (Flies away)

            Employee: Wow, they’re making those things smarter and smarter by the day.  That’s what we all should be worried about.

THE FOLLOWING WEEK

            (Employee wanders around the condo wearing ratty pajamas and messy hair while talking on the phone)

            Employee: …I don’t see what everyone’s complaining about – I’m having the time of my life, and I’m getting paid for it!  (Dumps the contents of a cereal box into mouth) Yeah, I know it’s just for now, but that’s next week’s problem…. Why should I?  It’s raining all the time, and you can get almost anything you want delivered.  I don’t even have to go to the grocery store – I just have them deliver whenever I run out of something.... Yeah, I could combine it into one big order, but when I run out I need it now `cause it’s important!  Besides, it’s job security for them, right?  I’m just doing my part like everyone keeps telling me to, right?  (There is a knock on the door) Speaking of which, sounds like my chocolate chip cookies are finally here, bye!  (Disconnects the call and opens the door; a box with a note is on the ground) So rude.  (Returns indoors, dumps the box and the contents just everywhere, and immediately begins eating the cookies while reading the note) …You guys can’t cut off home delivery for me, I’m your best customer!  And I only order four times a day, what’s the big deal?!  (Crumples up the note and tosses it onto the floor) Oh well, plenty of stores to move on to.  (Flops onto the couch, turns on the TV, eats more cookies, and sighs contentedly) Aaaaahhhh, I so love being on vacation and saving the world at the same time.  Those old timers were right: giving really is better than receiving.