(At a local blood drive in a rental hall)
Friend 1: (Sits propped up on a stretcher; to Friend 2) You see? Being a tad overweight has its benefits: for the first time in my life, I am finally able to give the gift of life.
Friend 2: (Answering e-mails on cell phone) True, but I don’t think the future recipient really wants all that sugar you downed at Mardi Gras included with the red blood cells you’re passing along.
Friend 1: That night is not to be spoken of.
Phlebotomist: (Approaching with collection set and other supplies) Hello, you all ready for this?
Friend 1: (Steels self by gripping the sides of the stretcher) I’m ready, Doc: drain me!
Phlebotomist: I’m not a doctor, and we don’t even take half your volume. (Preps Friend 1’s arm and holds out a small tube wrapped in paper) Here.
Friend 1: Is this for me to stifle my screams?
Phlebotomist: No, it’s for you to flex your hand every five to 10 seconds to keep your vein nice and limber. (Friend 1 holds the tube as Phlebotomist is ready to insert the needle) Wanna watch?
Friend 1: Yes? No! (Phlebotomist inserts the needle) Too late.
Friend 2: (Watches as blood begins to flow and Phlebotomist preps the collection set to rest on a seesawing platform) Neat.
Phlebotomist: Yeah, this’ll go on for about 20 minutes.
Friend 1: (Watching the continuous red line) Ewwww….
Friend 2: What kind of training is involved to do this?
Friend 1: Traitor! You’re supposed to help preserve my bodily fluids!
Friend 2: You volunteered for this because you’d said you “didn’t want to feel like a completely useless piece of humanity.”
Friend 1: I changed my mind! (Holds a hand to forehead and slumps) I think I’m feeling faint from the blood loss, help….
Phlebotomist: Barely anything’s gone out of you – by the way, you get bagels and cookies when we’re done here.
Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Mmmm, the goodies.
20 MINUTES LATER
(Friend 1 is unhooked from the set-up and escorted to a table where Friend 2 is snacking on pretzels)
Friend 2: (Looking up as Friend 1 shakily sits) Ah, you made it! (Slaps a sticker on Friend 1’s shirt)
Friend 1: (Tries to read it upside-down) What the blazes is this?
Friend 2: A cute little reminder to the world that you’re a first-time lifesaver. I am proud of you, you know.
Friend 1: (Takes a tentative sip of fruit juice) Thanks, that makes one of us. I did it purely for the accolades.
Friend 2: Don’t I know it.
Friend 1: (As a Volunteer approaches their table) Ah yes, the foretold meal: I’ll take an extremely rare flank steak, stuffed potato, and all the rolls, please.
Volunteer: We have plain bagels with cream cheese or butter.
Friend 1: Cream cheese will suffice, I thank you. (Pulls out a piece of paper as Volunteer leaves to retrieve the food) I never actually read the receipt they gave me – I think it may have post-emptying instructions.
Friend 2: (Takes the form to read) Oh yeah, it just tells you how you might feel afterward, and that you need to replenish your iron.
Friend 1: Eh?
Friend 2: Your iron. You lost a bit and it takes a while for your body to replenish it, so they suggest you go out and get some.
Friend 1: And how am I supposed to do that?!
Friend 2: Eat it. You take a multivitamin, right?
Friend 1: Why would I?!
Friend 2: Never mind. Just start taking one now, or go out and get some iron.
Friend 1: Why was I not told about this before I signed up to give away my life source?!
Friend 2: It’s not a big deal.
Friend 1: Says the one who’s not suddenly iron deficient! (Volunteers returns with the bagel) Thank you, good Volunteer – your service will not go unrewarded.
Volunteer: We’re not allowed to accept tips.
Friend 1: Nor was I about to give you one. (Volunteer leaves as Friend 1 chows down) I suppose this lump of fungal dough and bacteria-riddled cow secretions wouldn’t have much iron, would it?
Friend 2: (With a disgusted look) When you put it like that….
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(Friend 1, pale and shaky, sits at the kitchen table at home, staring at a pile of pennies spread out on a placemat)
Friend 1: It’s perfectly natural… it’s found in Nature… all the other animals are doing it…. (Slowly picks up a penny and brings it closer; cellphone rings and Friend 1 picks it up immediately) Yep?
Friend 2: You’re not about to eat your spare change, are you?
Friend 1: Nooooo…..
Friend 2: Want me to get you some kale?
Friend 1: Vegetables, gross! (Disconnects the call and stares off into space) There must be some other way….
OVERNIGHT
(In a supermarket, a Security Guard patrols the darkened aisles with a flashlight)
Security Guard: (Muttering to self) If I see that cat in here one more time, I am calling the Humane Society, I don’t care what they say – (Hears a muffled crash and swings around sharply) Who’s there? (Waits a few beats) Why do I always ask that as if anybody’d really answer me? (Runs to the produce aisle where the noise was and sweeps around the flashlight) If you’re stealing food, I can tell you right now it’s all borderline! (The flashlight catches Friend 1, perched on top of a rack of shelves, biting down on a metal beam) What in the world?!
Friend 1: (Shields eyes with arm) Don’t witness my shame! (Flees out the automated front door, wailing)
Security Guard: (Stares closer at the metal beam) The wildlife in here’s getting weirder and weirder.
THE NEXT DAY
(Friend 2 knocks on Friend 1’s door, carrying grocery bags)
Friend 2: (When the door opens) Hi, I got – what happened to you?
Friend 1: (Appears wretchedly frazzled) Nothing! Nothing at all! (Eyes widen upon seeing the bags) Is that iron?
Friend 2: (Holds out a bag) Well, I got your dreaded kale, plus some dried fruit and –
Friend 1: (Grabs the bag and Friend 2, pulling the latter into the apartment) Move!
Friend 2: (Closes the door and begins emptying the bags onto the kitchen counter; side-eyes Friend 1) You’ll want to wash that off first.
Friend 1: (Mouth is wide open to take a huge bite of kale) I was just about to. (Washes off the kale, then begins eating it raw)
Friend 2: (Tries to ignore this while organizing the food) You know, in a way this may be a good thing; get you to eat a little healthier. (Holds up a can) When’s the last time you had any beans?
Friend 1: (Chewing) Beans and I aren’t on speaking turns. (Suddenly notices the can, grabs it out of Friend 2’s hand, and begins sniffing it all around intensely)
Friend 2: That’s aluminum.
Friend 1: Oh. (Tosses the can back to Friend 2 and resumes devouring the kale)
Friend 2: I also got you some iron pills – you seem a bit more anemic than I first thought.
Friend 1: I’m not anemic, I just need iron!
Friend 2: What do you think “anemic” means?
Friend 1: Whatever – you’re not my dietitian! (Finished with the kale, starts tearing open a bag of dried apricots)
Friend 2: OK, I’m heading out. You don’t have to pay for all this, but a simple “Thank you” would be nice.
Friend 1: (Grabs a wad of cash lying about and shoves it into Friend 2’s jeans pocket) Thank you, supplier! (Continues eating the entire bag of fruit)
Friend 2: (Backs away slowly) Yeah – so, I’m going to go meet up with my family for Passover Seder tonight, so I hope you feel well enough to meet up with your family for Easter dinner tomorrow, OK?
Friend 1: (Freezes, then swallows fruit in a gulp) Easter? Tomorrow’s Easter?
Friend 2: Well yeah, the two holidays pretty much go together.
Friend 1: Oh no, this is a disaster!
Friend 2: Why, you’ll have to bow out?
Friend 1: I can’t – I’m supposed to host!
Friend 2: Your life really is a hot mess.
