(At a restaurant)
Adult Children: (Raising juice glasses disguised as wine glasses in a toast) Happy Mother’s Day!
Mom: (Raises glass in return) Thank you, children – your affection certainly warms the heart.
(They all pause to take a drink)
Adult Child 1: You sure you don’t want anything else this year? I mean, this brunch is expensively nice, but we could get you a gift on top of that, you know.
Mom: That’s very sweet, honey, but having you both here with a delicious course of Eggs Benedict and freshly squeezed orange juice is enough – the only other thing I could want is your father back here with us, bless his soul. (They raise their glasses and drink again) Well! (Definitively sets down the glass and starts slicing into the waffle) This’ll be my last hurrah for a while: tomorrow I’m going to get off my lazy rear and start that workout routing you recommended. (Nods at Adult Child 2)
Adult Child 2: Oh, well, that’s only if you really want to get ripped –
Mom: I do, yes. (Chews vigorously)
Adult Child 2: I have to admit I don’t keep up with it as much as I should, with commuting and working overtime and not wanting to get up early and… yeah.
Mom: (Downs the orange juice) Yes, I have no such excuses: happily retired, and you rugrats flew the coop ages ago, so my extracurricular activities can be rearranged willy-nilly.
Adult Child 1: And anyway, you’re not “lazy” – you’re running around all the time doing stuff.
Mom: You’re confusing Present Me with Past Me from when you were growing up; trust me, I sit around waaaaay too much for anyone’s good now.
Adult Child 1: Well, you deserve it after all those years raising us.
Mom: True, but beside the point.
Adult Child 2: (Chuckles) Would it help if we popped out a few grandkids for you to chase after?
Mom: Don’t tease. No, starting tomorrow, I will join the ranks of the stay-at-home gym devotees – my life will be changed forever. (Suddenly looks up at Adult Children) Again.
Adult Child 1: (Raises glass) Cheers to that. (Sees that the glass is empty) Well that’s awkward.
THE NEXT DAY
(Mom, wearing exercise clothes and sweat bands, sets up a mat on the living room floor, then uses the television to access the Internet and search for the previously mentioned workout video series)
Mom: (Navigating through the videos) “Advanced,” no…. “Extreme,” no…. “Ultra-Extreme,” blazes no.... Where’s “Ultra-Beginner?” (Types “beginner” with the series name) Aha! “Novice Baby Steps” – now that’s my speed. (Starts the video and stands in readiness)
Host: (Extremely fit) Hey-hey-hey! Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!
Mom: Remains to be seen, but continue.
Host: Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!
Mom: Uh-oh.
Host: For this set, you’re going to need a mat, a wall for balance, a chair –
Mom: Oh no, hold up! (Pauses the video, runs to the kitchen, and drags a chair into the living room, dumping the seat cushion onto the couch on the way) OK, go! (Resumes video)
Host: – anchor chains, a pull-up bar, preferably a monster-truck tire but a regular sedan tire will do –
Mom: WHAT?!
Host: – and a rowboat. You ready? Let’s go!
Mom: (Pauses the video) Blaaaaazes no! That was “beginner”?! Where’s one with no equipment? (Searches for “beginner no equipment” in the series) OK, this one looks more promising. (Starts a new video)
Host: (Wearing the same outfit as in the other video) Hey-hey-hey! Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life! Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!
Mom: This feels familiar.
Host: For this set, all you’ll need is a mat and a chair.
Mom: Liar – your title said “No Equipment.”
Host: I know the title said “No Equipment,” but that’s technically true – these are accessories.
Mom: Still.
Host: Now, let’s warm up first!
Mom: Ugh, skip! (Moves the video progress bar to where the workout begins)
Host: (Shaking limbs loose) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!
Mom: (Shaking limbs loose) Sure.
Host: (Lies face-down on a mat; Mom follows suit) OK, let’s do this! First up: one-handed push-ups!
Mom: Huh?
Host: (Commences one-handed push-ups) Feel free to stay on your knees for this one, newbs!
Mom: (Shifts to knees) Oh I will.
(After sets of push-ups on each hand, Host jumps up)
Host: Now! Over to the chair. (Walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups) Easier than using the floor, am-I-right?
Mom: (Stares in shock) If you say so.
Host: (Flips back off the chair, then does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes! (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle) This is the basic version of the move you’ll find in my advanced class, where we do this while using our teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight – don’t worry though, you should be ready for that by the time we’re through today!
Mom: Heh?
Host: (Jumps onto feet, then jumps up to grab the blades of a spinning ceiling fan while pulling legs up and down) Now, I forgot to mention earlier – (Spin) you will also need a ceiling fan for this – (Spin) so if you don’t have one – (Spin) feel free to hang the chair from the ceiling – (Spin) the effect’s the same – (Spin) Wheeeeeee!!!!!!
Mom: (Stops the video) I think my children are trolling me. (Calls Adult Child 2)
Adult Child 2: Hi! Did you try one of the videos yet?
Mom: No, because they’re meant for Olympian gods. Have you seriously done any of these?!
Adult Child 2: Well, I started one and it looked good, and I thought I was just out of shape and needed to work my way up to it.
Mom: Work your way up?! You need to have been at the top and launched into outer space to even start one of these!
Adult Child 2: Oh. I feel better about the whole thing, then.
Mom: Why did you even suggest these to me?
Adult Child 2: I dunno, they looked cool.
Mom: Whatever; I’m going to search for some good old fashioned boot camp routines and let you know how those are, m’kay?
Adult Child 2: Sounds great, thanks!
Mom: Yeah-bye. (Disconnects the call, searches videos for several more minutes, then makes a selection)
New Host: Hello, and welcome to your health journey! Let’s begin with some toe touches to warm ourselves up, then we’ll move onto crunches and leg lifts!
Mom: (Repeatedly touches toes and stands, mirroring the video) Now, this is proper exercise.
