Story 436: Low Iron in the Blood

 (At a local blood drive in a rental hall)

Friend 1: (Sits propped up on a stretcher; to Friend 2) You see?  Being a tad overweight has its benefits: for the first time in my life, I am finally able to give the gift of life.

Friend 2: (Answering e-mails on cell phone) True, but I don’t think the future recipient really wants all that sugar you downed at Mardi Gras included with the red blood cells you’re passing along.

Friend 1: That night is not to be spoken of.

Phlebotomist: (Approaching with collection set and other supplies) Hello, you all ready for this?

Friend 1: (Steels self by gripping the sides of the stretcher) I’m ready, Doc: drain me!

Phlebotomist: I’m not a doctor, and we don’t even take half your volume.  (Preps Friend 1’s arm and holds out a small tube wrapped in paper) Here.

Friend 1: Is this for me to stifle my screams?

Phlebotomist: No, it’s for you to flex your hand every five to 10 seconds to keep your vein nice and limber.  (Friend 1 holds the tube as Phlebotomist is ready to insert the needle) Wanna watch?

Friend 1: Yes?  No!  (Phlebotomist inserts the needle) Too late.

Friend 2: (Watches as blood begins to flow and Phlebotomist preps the collection set to rest on a seesawing platform) Neat.

Phlebotomist: Yeah, this’ll go on for about 20 minutes.

Friend 1: (Watching the continuous red line) Ewwww….

Friend 2: What kind of training is involved to do this?

Friend 1: Traitor!  You’re supposed to help preserve my bodily fluids!

Friend 2: You volunteered for this because you’d said you “didn’t want to feel like a completely useless piece of humanity.”

Friend 1: I changed my mind!  (Holds a hand to forehead and slumps) I think I’m feeling faint from the blood loss, help….

Phlebotomist: Barely anything’s gone out of you – by the way, you get bagels and cookies when we’re done here.

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Mmmm, the goodies.

 20 MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 is unhooked from the set-up and escorted to a table where Friend 2 is snacking on pretzels)

Friend 2: (Looking up as Friend 1 shakily sits) Ah, you made it!  (Slaps a sticker on Friend 1’s shirt)

Friend 1: (Tries to read it upside-down) What the blazes is this?

Friend 2: A cute little reminder to the world that you’re a first-time lifesaver.  I am proud of you, you know.

Friend 1: (Takes a tentative sip of fruit juice) Thanks, that makes one of us.  I did it purely for the accolades.

Friend 2: Don’t I know it.

Friend 1: (As a Volunteer approaches their table) Ah yes, the foretold meal: I’ll take an extremely rare flank steak, stuffed potato, and all the rolls, please.

Volunteer: We have plain bagels with cream cheese or butter.

Friend 1: Cream cheese will suffice, I thank you.  (Pulls out a piece of paper as Volunteer leaves to retrieve the food) I never actually read the receipt they gave me – I think it may have post-emptying instructions.

Friend 2: (Takes the form to read) Oh yeah, it just tells you how you might feel afterward, and that you need to replenish your iron.

Friend 1: Eh?

Friend 2: Your iron.  You lost a bit and it takes a while for your body to replenish it, so they suggest you go out and get some.

Friend 1: And how am I supposed to do that?!

Friend 2: Eat it.  You take a multivitamin, right?

Friend 1: Why would I?!

Friend 2: Never mind.  Just start taking one now, or go out and get some iron.

Friend 1: Why was I not told about this before I signed up to give away my life source?!

Friend 2: It’s not a big deal.

Friend 1: Says the one who’s not suddenly iron deficient!  (Volunteers returns with the bagel) Thank you, good Volunteer – your service will not go unrewarded.

Volunteer: We’re not allowed to accept tips.

Friend 1: Nor was I about to give you one.  (Volunteer leaves as Friend 1 chows down) I suppose this lump of fungal dough and bacteria-riddled cow secretions wouldn’t have much iron, would it?

Friend 2: (With a disgusted look) When you put it like that….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Friend 1, pale and shaky, sits at the kitchen table at home, staring at a pile of pennies spread out on a placemat)

Friend 1: It’s perfectly natural… it’s found in Nature… all the other animals are doing it…. (Slowly picks up a penny and brings it closer; cellphone rings and Friend 1 picks it up immediately) Yep?

Friend 2: You’re not about to eat your spare change, are you?

Friend 1: Nooooo…..

Friend 2: Want me to get you some kale?

Friend 1: Vegetables, gross!  (Disconnects the call and stares off into space) There must be some other way….

 OVERNIGHT

(In a supermarket, a Security Guard patrols the darkened aisles with a flashlight)

Security Guard: (Muttering to self) If I see that cat in here one more time, I am calling the Humane Society, I don’t care what they say – (Hears a muffled crash and swings around sharply) Who’s there?  (Waits a few beats) Why do I always ask that as if anybody’d really answer me?  (Runs to the produce aisle where the noise was and sweeps around the flashlight) If you’re stealing food, I can tell you right now it’s all borderline!  (The flashlight catches Friend 1, perched on top of a rack of shelves, biting down on a metal beam) What in the world?!

Friend 1: (Shields eyes with arm) Don’t witness my shame!  (Flees out the automated front door, wailing)

Security Guard: (Stares closer at the metal beam) The wildlife in here’s getting weirder and weirder.

THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 2 knocks on Friend 1’s door, carrying grocery bags)

Friend 2: (When the door opens) Hi, I got – what happened to you?

Friend 1: (Appears wretchedly frazzled) Nothing!  Nothing at all!  (Eyes widen upon seeing the bags) Is that iron?

Friend 2: (Holds out a bag) Well, I got your dreaded kale, plus some dried fruit and –

Friend 1: (Grabs the bag and Friend 2, pulling the latter into the apartment) Move!

Friend 2: (Closes the door and begins emptying the bags onto the kitchen counter; side-eyes Friend 1) You’ll want to wash that off first.

Friend 1: (Mouth is wide open to take a huge bite of kale) I was just about to.  (Washes off the kale, then begins eating it raw)

Friend 2: (Tries to ignore this while organizing the food) You know, in a way this may be a good thing; get you to eat a little healthier.  (Holds up a can) When’s the last time you had any beans?

Friend 1: (Chewing) Beans and I aren’t on speaking turns.  (Suddenly notices the can, grabs it out of Friend 2’s hand, and begins sniffing it all around intensely)

Friend 2: That’s aluminum.

Friend 1: Oh.  (Tosses the can back to Friend 2 and resumes devouring the kale)

Friend 2: I also got you some iron pills – you seem a bit more anemic than I first thought.

Friend 1: I’m not anemic, I just need iron!

Friend 2: What do you think “anemic” means?

Friend 1: Whatever – you’re not my dietitian!  (Finished with the kale, starts tearing open a bag of dried apricots)

 Friend 2: OK, I’m heading out.  You don’t have to pay for all this, but a simple “Thank you” would be nice.

Friend 1: (Grabs a wad of cash lying about and shoves it into Friend 2’s jeans pocket) Thank you, supplier!  (Continues eating the entire bag of fruit)

Friend 2: (Backs away slowly) Yeah – so, I’m going to go meet up with my family for Passover Seder tonight, so I hope you feel well enough to meet up with your family for Easter dinner tomorrow, OK?

Friend 1: (Freezes, then swallows fruit in a gulp) Easter?  Tomorrow’s Easter?

Friend 2: Well yeah, the two holidays pretty much go together.

Friend 1: Oh no, this is a disaster!

Friend 2: Why, you’ll have to bow out?

Friend 1: I can’t – I’m supposed to host!

Friend 2: Your life really is a hot mess.

Story 347: I Wish I Were in a Love Triangle

            (In a department store, Associate 1 is at a counter in front of changing rooms, folding clothes to reshelve)

          Associate 1: (To the clothes) You know, maybe if your folding standard wasn’t so complicated, more customers would actually put you back on the displays neatly – just sayin’.

            (Associate 2 pushes a cart full of clothes up to the counter)

            Associate 2: Hey – when you’re done there can you give me a hand with these?  I’ve got two more carts’ worth waiting, and I’ve already seen customers in Swimwear going to town on the new shipment of rash guards.   (Stares at the mountain in the cart) Makes you wonder what’s the point of it all.

            Associate 1: (Slides the pile of clothes on the counter over) If you want to put them here we can pull from that.

          Associate 2: Sweet – thanks.  (Grabs an unwieldy bunch of clothes and dumps it on the counter; the two Associates fold and sort as they go)

            Associate 1: (After a few moments of companionable silence) You know what I realized when I clocked in for work this afternoon?

            Associate 2: What, that we’re definitely not getting raises this year?

            Associate 1: I’d usually agree, but we’re lucky we’re getting paid this year.

            Associate 2: True – continue.

            Associate 1: Yeah, so when I clocked in, I realized that I started working here exactly 10 years ago today.

          Associate 2: Aw, congratulations!  Too bad they stopped doing the anniversary parties and handing out the commemorative pins and giving the extra days off and –

            Associate 1: I’m trying really hard not to think about all that.

            Associate 2: Sorry.

          Associate 1: Anyway, my main takeaway is this: after 10 years, I don’t care that I’ve never been promoted, or had much of a salary increase, or that the work is meaningless outside of itself.  My one regret is that, in all this time, I have yet to have a workplace romance.

        Associate 2: Really?  What about the one in Lingerie, around… (Looks up to remember) two years ago?

         Associate 1: That was just a casual flirtation: we only acted that way because we had an unspoken agreement that it would go absolutely nowhere.  And it was four years ago.

           Associate 2: Oh.  Oh right, that was around when the break room caught on fire, and now we can’t bring in our own hot plates.

            Associate 1: Yes, good times.

            Associate 2: OK, so that doesn’t count – no one serious ever, then?  Guess that’s a good thing: makes it complicated and uncomfortable when you see them here all the time while you’re supposed to be working, and then when you break up?  `Cause you just know you’ll break up.

            Associate 1: I know, but I still feel like I’m missing out on a vital part of the whole retail work experience.  I need something to look forward to coming here every day that isn’t – (Gestures to the growing piles of unfolded clothes that customers steadily have been adding to) getting all these folded and put away in an orderly manner.  I need emotional fulfillment in my life!

            Associate 2: OK, but you know you’re not my type.

         Associate 1: Ew, I wasn’t angling for you – not that you’re not cool – but that would be awkward and you know too much about me, so it wouldn’t be exciting.

            Associate 2: That I do.

          Associate 1: No, I’m going for the gold here: I don’t want just any old hook-up or fling – I want a love triangle.

           Associate 2: Ha!  Now you’re getting greedy – you haven’t even got one person, and now you want two?  Weirdo.

          Associate 1: Exactly!  I want it all!  I want the drama!  I want the tender explosive passion!  I want two separate people constantly telling me how wonderful I am while we’re stuck at the cash register processing dubious returns!

            Associate 2: Sure, I can see how that’d pass the time.  Got anyone in mind?

            Associate 1: The night security guard and the assistant supervisor in Electronics.

         Associate 2: That was fast – so they’ve been giving you the winking eyes and the waggling eyebrows, eh?

            Associate 1: I have no idea; I just want to be in a love triangle with them.

            Associate 2: Oh.  So, do you like them?  As in, middle-school-crush like?

           Associate 1: They’re all right, I guess.  Suppose they wouldn’t break any mirrors, but they also wouldn’t win any beauty contests, if you catch my drift.

            Associate 2: Wait a minute, do you even know them?

        Associate 1: Sure I do, they’re the night security guard and the assistant supervisor in Electronics!

            Associate 2: I heard you the first time, but do you know anything about them besides their job titles?  Do you know anything about their personal lives?  Whether they go around secretly kidnapping kittens or stealing grapes at the supermarket, for instance?

            Associate 1: Who cares about all that?  This is a workplace romance!

            Associate 2: Let me know how that turns out.

ONE WEEK LATER

         (Associate 1 is organizing clothes on a display when the night security guard approaches)

            Security Guard: Hey, everything going all right in your department?

           Associate 1: (Leans sideways on the display and bats eyelashes) Oh, most definitely – thank you so much for always asking!  You’re so thoughtful and protective of me.  (Bats some more)

            Security Guard: Yeah, just making my rounds.  See you later.  (Leaves)

            Associate 1: I’ll be here!  Oh wait, I clock out in half an hour, drat.

          Associate 2: (Approaches with a cart full of clothes) Still laying the groundwork for your “triangle”?

           Associate 1: What do you mean?  Didn’t you sense the mind-blowing suppressed passion of our forbidden love?!

            Associate 2: No.

            Associate 1: (Tsks) I’ll just have to demonstrate more clearly with my other other half.  (Pulls Associate 2 over to Electronics and spots the assistant supervisor at the counter) Here – now you’ll see the ultimate power of volcanic jealously fueled by the raging hormones of love!

            Associate 2: Ummm….

            Associate 1: (To Assistant Supervisor) Yoo-hoo!

            Assistant Supervisor: Oh, hey – need help with something?

        Associate 1: (Leans sideways on the counter, elbow slipping off the edge) Just checking on how your day is going?  (Bats eyelashes)

          Assistant Supervisor: Oh, not too bad; how’re you two’s day’s going?  (Nods at Associates 1 and 2)

            Associate 2: Well, I’ve got a ton of –

           Associate 1: (Leans over, blocking Associate 2) Oh, the usual – the security guard came by just now to make sure I was all right.

            Assistant Supervisor: Oh yeah, me too, about five minutes ago.  Speaking of which, I think we’ve got another regular shoplifter here – might just be in this department, but anything missing in yours lately?

           Associate 1: (Throws back head and shakes hair) AHAHAHAHA!!!!  (Clears throat and fiddles with a chipped part of the countertop) Always.

          Assistant Supervisor: Gee, that’s too bad.  (Sees a customer waiting nearby) Whelp, nice chatting with you two – excuse me.  (Leaves the counter and walks with the customer to the next aisle over)

            Associate 1: (Stares intensely at Associate 2) See?!

            Associate 2: What?

            Associate 1: The volcanic jealousy!

            Associate 2: Wow.

            Associate 1: Exactly!  When I mentioned my other lover –

            Associate 2: Ugh.

          Associate 1: – You could see how this one could barely be restrained, the violence ever-threatening to burst out and tear the rival apart!

            Associate 2: If you say so.

           Associate 1: I have been in such a turmoil of emotions every time I come to work now!  I have given my heart completely to both of them, so how can they ask me to choose just one?!

            Associate 2: How can you give your heart completely, twice?

         Associate 1: (Collapses backward across the counter) All these overwhelming feelings!  The all-consuming love I have for them!  The all-consuming love they have for me!  The all-consuming hatred they have for each other!  How wonderful life is!

            Associate 2: Glad to see you’re finally getting some enjoyment out of working here.

            Associate 1: (Stands back up straight) I know, right?