(Plumber drives up to the first address on the day’s list and reviews notes before leaving the truck)
Plumber: (Mumbles while reading) “Backed-up kitchen sink… backed-up dishwasher… Nature has been commuting through the pipes….” Sounds like a 50-foot snake job. (Grabs a tool bag and whistles on the way to the front door of the house, suspiciously eyeing the trees on the front lawn and their many, many roots)
Trees: <Don’t look at us – we were here long before those pipes were shoved into our bed>
(Plumber rings the doorbell and continues whistling while peering at the bushes lined up in a row under the front window; the door suddenly flings open and a hand grabs Plumber’s shirt, pulling the latter inside as the door slams)
Homeowner: (With frazzled hair, frazzled clothes, and frazzled eyes) My savior at last – I have been bailing out this mess for the past two days!
Plumber: (Unobtrusively removes Homeowner’s hand from shirt and suppresses a sigh) Sounds rough – lead the way.
(The head into the kitchen and stop at the doorway)
Plumber: (Now suppressing a scream) Ho-ow long did you say it’s been like this?!
Homeowner: (Biting a thumbnail) Hm? Oh, the sink’s been regurgitating the ghosts of meals past for about a week – the bailing’s only been the past two days, and it was the weekend so I refused to pay extra for an emergency call.
(They navigate through the multiple buckets and jerry-rigged drain hoses throughout the kitchen to reach the sink, which has several inches of what appears to be pond water floating in it)
Plumber: (Opens the tool bag and starts going through it) And has the water been backing up every time you use this?
Homeowner: No, that’s the kicker: it backs up willy-nilly, all on its own, then drains whenever it feels like it; the bailing started when it stopped draining as much, and then the dishwasher started leaking in sympathy. I have to get up every two hours during the night for these as if they were newborn children.
Plumber: Know the feeling. (Opens the cabinet below the sink and checks out the pipes) Did you use any chemical drain cleaner at all on this?
Homeowner: No, I heard those ruin the pipes so I just did a homemade volcano of baking soda and vinegar.
Plumber: Thank goodness. May I? (Holds a hand out toward one of the buckets)
Homeowner: Please.
Plumber: (Places the bucket under the sink, unscrews the trap, and inspects it while letting everything drain) Yep, this is a bust. (Holds out the trap to show it crumbling to pieces)
Homeowner: Wow. Never noticed that before.
Plumber: (Wipes face as the remaining water drains and mud splashes all over the place) I’ll replace it, snake the pipe, and you should be good to go.
Homeowner: (Grabs a frog out of the nearly-empty sink and flings it out the window to land on a nearby tree) That’s it? This seems worse than that simple fix; I could’ve done that myself.
Plumber: (Shaking off twigs falling out of the pipe and spitting out splashing mud) Well you didn’t fix it, did you! Here – (Holds out the bucket) go dump this in the tub or wherever you’ve been disposing of the ocean while I take care of the rest.
Homeowner: (Takes the bucket and leaves, muttering) Rude.
Plumber: (Takes out the snake and begins unwinding it through the plumbing, on and on, encountering multiple obstacles along the way that are gradually defeated) C’mon, move it, get out of there…. (Keeps snaking through the pipes, then comes up against what feels like a wall) Aha! Gotcha, you little…. (Struggles against the obstruction as Homeowner returns)
Homeowner: (Setting down the bucket and flinging another frog out the window) So, find anything?
Plumber: (Still struggling) Oh yeah! It’s a doozy, but I think I’m – (Yank-pull) getting it – (Push-pull) loose – (The house begins to shake with increasing violence as an ominous noise sounds down the line) Uh-oh.
Homeowner: Whaddya mean, “Uh-oh”?! You know how nervous everyone gets when someone in authority says that!
Plumber: (Hurriedly retracts the sake, screws in a new trap on the shaking pipe, and backs away from the sink while gesturing Homeowner to do the same) You’ve got insurance on this place, right?
Homeowner: What?!
(The kitchen sink erupts in a mini-geyser of water, mud, branches, and frogs for about 10 seconds, then settles down and slowly drains again; the dishwasher gives a complementary splash)
Homeowner: (Shaking off water and debris) Whelp, good thing I took down the curtains before you came over. So, what do you think – I need a new shut-off valve?
Plumber: (Wiping muddy water away from eyes) You need a new plumbing system! It looks like the local bog got in there!
Homeowner: Well, that’s just ridiculous – there’s no bog anywhere near here; just the swamp across the street.
Plumber: Same difference! (Gathers up the tool bag while still shaking off the mess) You need to call in the town’s sewer company or somebody to check those lines out there, `cause I am done! (Runs out of the house; to Trees) That’s right, I’m talkin’ about you, too!
Trees: <Rude>
Homeowner: (Standing at the front door) What about my bill?
Plumber: (Diving into the truck) I’ll mail it to you, byeeeee!!!! (Reverses speedily out of the driveway and zooms down the street)
Homeowner: (Re-enters the house while closing the door, sighs at the new mess in the kitchen, flings another frog out the window, and begins paper toweling everything) And I forgot to ask about checking that funny noise the shower’s been making….
