Story 434: Playing for Your Life Is Ridiculous

 [Inspired by the recent Batman movie and the Riddler tie-in Web site]

(In an abandoned warehouse, Hostage is bound to a chair with a duct-taped mouth while Villain paces impatiently nearby, regularly checking a wristwatch.  Suddenly, Vigilante and Sidekick crash through the one glass panel in the ceiling and take some time rappelling down to the floor because their ropes are not long enough.  Villain and Hostage side-eye each other briefly as the other two finally leap the last 10 feet, tuck and roll to a stop, flip their respective tangled-up capes out of the way, and strike the Hero Pose with hands on hips, heads flung back, and feet planted firmly apart)

Vigilante: Aha!  And so, we have foiled your evil plan and found you at last, tucked away in your secret lair, aha!

Sidekick: Take that, scumbag!

Villain: …This isn’t my secret lair, and I specifically left the front door open so you could come in that way – didn’t you get my voicemail?

Vigilante: (Slightly tilts head to see the open front door, then turns back to Villain) So that’s exactly what you were expecting we’d do, and so – foiled!

Sidekick: To the max!

Villain: (Mutters) Cripes.  (Louder) Can we get down to it, please?

Vigilante: I thought you’d never ask!

Sidekick: Yeah, quit stallin’!

Villain: (To Vigilante while motioning to Sidekick) You know, this is why I expressly didn’t invite that one – never mind, forget it, moving on.  (Strikes the Villain Pose with hunched shoulders, twiddling fingers, and sinister expression) And so, my fine antagonists –

Vigilante: Actually, we’re the protagonists – you’re the antagonist.

Villain: We’re all our own protagonists and each other’s antagonists!  (Cracks neck while calming down) Ahem.  And so, you have come here in a pitiful attempt to rescue this – (Gestures to Hostage) creature in my clutches, have you?

Vigilante: Why, yes, that’s the reason we’re all here today – I thought that was understood.

Villain: For the love of – deep breaths, deep breaths – now, here’s the deal: I have placed several large sticks of fireworks under this chair.  (Grandly gestures to said fireworks piled high under Hostage’s chair)

Vigilante and Sidekick: Gasp!

Villain: Precisely!  (Holds up a detonator) And I will set them off at a moment’s notice –

Vigilante and Sidekick: Double gasp!

Villain: However – !

Vigilante: Oh thank goodness.

Villain: I am willing to spare this miserable wretch’s trip to the Moon, if you can answer these questions three!

Vigilante: Oh no!  Wait, why?

Villain: Mwahahaha – sorry, what?

Vigilante: Why would you let anybody go just like that? 

Sidekick: Yeah, you already got `em helpless and set these things up hours ago – why not just let `er rip?

(Hostage shakes head vigorously while straining against the chair and yelling through the duct tape)

Villain: Come on, it’s my whole shtick!

Vigilante: Then why do we have to answer the questions; shouldn’t you be making your victim answer and we just come in as an assist?

Villain: You know darn well that you’re my real target, so don’t play coy with me!  And so, let us begin: Question 1 –

Vigilante: (Holds up a finger) Hang on, before we start –

Villain: OMG, WHAT?

Vigilante: I’m not really good at these things.

Sidekick: Yeah, I’m better at logic puzzles myself, like “If a train is leaving City A at 200 kph and a train is leaving City B at 230 kph – ”

Villain: One more word out of you and you’re playing catch with a rocket booster here.  (Sidekick zips up) Now, Question 1: What’s black and white and read all over?

(Vigilante and Sidekick stare blankly at Villain; Hostage starts struggling and yelling again)

Vigilante: Could you repeat the question, please?

Villain: Seriously? That’s a softball one to lure you into a false sense of security, and you don’t know it?!

Vigilante: Give me a minute!

(Hostage’s yells and struggles get louder)

Villain: (Looks down at the noise) Well that’s getting annoying.  (Rips off the duct tape)

Hostage: OWWWWWW!!!!

Villain: (Winces) Ooh, sorry – I always forget how ripping off a bandage feels for something like this.  So, you have something to share with the group?

Hostage: (After working out jaw) A newspaper!

Vigilante: Huh?

Hostage: That’s the answer!  A newspaper!

Vigilante: Newspapers aren’t red – they’re just black and white.

Hostage: What?!

Villain: (To Vigilante) It’s a homophone, you dolt!  R-E-A-D, not R-E-D!  Although, that is part of the joke, so I can see where the confusion lies.

Sidekick: I thought it was a riddle, not a joke?

Villain: (Picks up a firework and shakes it at Sidekick) Don’t make me toss one of these at you; I’m saving them for our friend here.  (Throws it back under the chair) Anyway, that really shouldn’t count since you – (Points to Vigilante) were the one supposed to answer, but I’ll allow it.

Hostage: It’s my life at stake here, I should be allowed to pitch in!

Villain: Don’t abuse my generosity.  Now, Question 2: What word has all the letters in it?

(Vigilante and Sidekick hesitate a bit, then huddle up and begin whispering)

Hostage: (Jumping in the chair) Ooh – ooh – ooh –

Villain: Shut it; let them work it out for themselves.

Hostage: But why?

Villain: I’m getting invested in their mental struggles.

(Vigilante and Sidekick triumphantly turn back to the other two)

Vigilante: Antidisestablishmentarianism.

(Hostage slumps)

Villain: What – how – who – that doesn’t have all the letters in it!  Where’s the Z?  Where’s the Q?!

Sidekick: Where’s the omega?

Vigilante: (To Sidekick) It was your idea!

Sidekick: I heard it somewhere!

Villain: It’s one of the longest words in the English language, you twits!  Doesn’t mean it has all the letters in it!

Vigilante and Sidekick: (In realization) Ohhhhh….

Hostage: The answer’s “alphabet.”

Villain: (Points to Hostage) Yes!  Thank you!  Someone here has a brain!  Or at least heard that one before.

Vigilante: (Furrowed brow) I don’t get it.

Villain: No surprise there.  All right, final question and we can all go home; I’ll make this one really easy for you by using one you must have heard before.  Question 3: What travels the world but stays in the corner?

Vigilante: (Jumps up and down while raising a hand) Ooh, I know this one!

Villain: (Smiling excitedly and nodding) Yes?

Vigilante: A clock!

Villain: (Smile falls) No!

Hostage: (Rolls head back) Arghhhh….

Vigilante: Sure it is – well, I guess I should’ve said “grandfather clock”: it stands in the corner but travels as the Earth rotates.  So, it travels the world through space.

Villain: (Mouth is momentarily agape) Unbelievable.  Three gimmes, and you couldn’t even get one!

Vigilante: Sure we did, we got that one!

Villain: No you didn’t!  (To Hostage) You – what was the answer?!

Hostage: (Tiredly) A stamp.

Villain: (Back to the other two) You see!  This one lives in the real world!

Vigilante: (Light dawning) Ah, I get it now – that’s pretty clever.

Villain: Gee, thanks.

Vigilante: Mine was still right, though.

Villain: No it wasn’t!  There’s only one answer!

Vigilante: In your opinion – you asked a question that has multiple answers, so we shouldn’t be penalized just for choosing the one you didn’t pick.

Sidekick: Yeah, and technically, all we had to do was answer your questions three – you never said anything about answering them “correctly.”

(Villain's eyes bulge out in rage, then grabs a firework to throw at Sidekick)

Vigilante: (Stands in Hero Pose in front of Villain) Now-now, I see how this can be frustrating so we’ll make a compromise: ask us one more question, and this time make it really hard.

Hostage: (Practically standing with the chair) NO!  No, we are done here!  (To Vigilante) Either punch out this creep like you should’ve done in the first place – (To Villain) or set off the freakin’ fireworks so at least I’ll be blasted far, far away from here; just somebody do something to end this!

Villain: (Tosses away the detonator, uses a pocket knife to cut the ropes, and pushes Hostage toward Vigilante and Sidekick) Go on, get out of here – I’m disgusted by all of you right now.

Hostage: Hey, I got the answers right!

Villain: (Sinks dejectedly into the chair) Yeah, but you were supposed to be a quiet little victim throughout all this – the whole game’s been ruined.  (Waves the other three off) Now leave me be; I’m exhausted.  Unless you want to take advantage of my moment of weakness and turn me into the authorities?

Vigilante: Nah – you’ve clearly suffered enough at our hands.

Story 254: Why Is There a Soundtrack?

            The radiant sunset surrounded the couple with shades of red, purple, and pink as the two strolled through the cozy park, hand-in-hand.  The moment when he was going to pop the question was fast approaching: he knew it, she knew it, the dog walkers knew it.  The violins swelled in anticipation as he suddenly stopped, grabbing both her hands in his.

            “Beloved?” he opened.

            “Yes, my angel?” she replied; several stirring flutes got in on the action.

          “We have known each other for so long – ” the violins became more agitated – “I simply cannot face the rest of my life without you by my side – ” an expectant drumroll began, with cymbals winding up for the climax – “and what on Earth is that orchestra doing here?!”

          “Oh them,” she lightly laughed.  “They follow me on special occasions: they’re the soundtrack to my life.”  The cymbals finally crashed.  “Not yet, guys – maybe start again when we kiss to seal the deal?” she asked; the music abruptly cut off.  To her angel, she smiled: “You were saying?”

            “Ummmm….”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            The two spies snuck through the darkened warehouse and spoke to each other in whispers.

            “I’ll take the left, you take the right,” Spy 1 said.

            “Why do I always have to take the right?” Spy 2 almost whined.

            “Because right now I’m on the left, right?”

            “What?”

            A menacing bass line began.

            “So, you go that way,” Spy 1 gestured with a gun, “and I’ll go this way.  Ri – OK?”

            “Wait a minute, what’s that noise?”

            A synthesizer ratcheted up the thrill factor.

            “It’s underscoring the danger of our actions, now c’mon!”  Spy 1 gestured with the gun again.

          “Not so fast,” Spy 2 said, head tilting to listen.  “I know those chords.  This is the Villain Theme playing right now.”

            “What are you talking about?”

            “That’s the music played every time the villain shows up.”

            “Which makes perfect sense because that’s the reason why we’re here!  To catch the villain!”

           “Yes… or….”  Spy 2 pointed a gun at Spy 1.  “Perhaps the True Villain has been beside me ALL ALONG.”

            <DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUN!>

            Spy 1 pointed the gun at Spy 2.  “Now you’re just being stupid and tiresome.  <Gasp> Maybe this music’s playing because you’ve been the True Villain ALL ALONG!”

            “Nonsense – I’m not the villain.”

            “Ha!  Prove it!”

            “I’d know it if I was, wouldn’t I.”

            “You make a good point.”

            The True Villain jumped out from behind a pillar, accompanied by a crescendo.

         “Aha, you fools!”  The Villain laughed evilly.  “The music was signaling my approach, and now I have the drop on both of you!”

            “Blast,” Spy 1 said as the two raised their hands in surrender.  “We sure misread those cues.”

            “Yes, I must say they were deliberately confusing to the casual listener,” Spy 2 agreed.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            In the haunted house, the reckless teenagers paused on the third floor to regroup; they spoke with flashlights shining up on their faces due to the requisite power outage during the obligatory thunderstorm.

            “I say we head to the basement and wait it out there,” Teen 1 said.

           “I say we head to the attic, solve the mystery, and set the angry ghost’s soul to rest,” Teen 2 said.

            “I say we head to the front door and walk out of it,” Teen 3 said.

            “Hold up a sec!” Teen 4 hysterically shouted.

            “What?  We were having a nice rational discussion up until now,” Teen 1 said.

         Teen 4 looked around in terror before screechily whispering: “Where’s our supporting music?!”

            The others pondered this.

            “You’re right, it’s been suspiciously not playing for ages,” Teen 2 said.

            “That means when it does play, it’ll be a doozy,” Teen 1 agreed.

           “I’m going to climb down this drainpipe here,” Teen 3 said, opening a window.  “You’re all welcome to join me whenever you’d like.”

            The other three froze in place.

            “Should we run for it?” Teen 4 asked.

            “Maybe if we never move ever again from this spot, the ghost’ll forget about us and leave us alone,” Teen 2 said.

            “Or we could – ” Teen 1 started but was cut off by jump-scare music, which was followed by the jump scare of the tangible ghost getting in their faces.

            With everyone screaming, the music was no longer necessary.

            From outside the house, Teen 3 jumped onto the ground from the drainpipe, ran to the car, got inside, and started it.  The horror music quietly began to swell.

            Teen 3 turned to face the music: “Don’t even think about it.”

            The music stopped as Teen 3 drove off into the night.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

            In an office, Manager approached Employee.

            “So,” Manager said, “we’ve got a huge project coming up, with lots of ways it can go wrong.”

            “All right,” Employee said, then pressed a button on a CD player; light-hearted music played through the speakers.

            “What are you doing?” Manager asked.

        “Scoring our new adventure,” Employee said.  “Judging by your statement, I trust that shenanigans will ensue?”

            “Not really – this is a very serious project for one of our top clients.  If it doesn’t go right, we could be – ” Manager leaned in slightly to whisper – “F-I-R-E-D.”

            “All right.”  Employee pressed a few different buttons; serious-sounding music then played.  “So this situation is dramatic, then.”

            “Well, yeah!  And I even feel a little uncomfortable taking it on, to tell you the truth; this is the client who is a bit – ” whispered again – “S-H-A-D-Y.”

            “Got ya.”  Employee hit several more buttons; hints of mystery and danger were signified by the presence of a bassoon.  “How’s this one?”

            “Perfect.”

Story 249: Trapped in the Movie Adaptation

            PRE-SCENE 1

(Characters gather in a null space)

            Lead Character: Hello everyone, I know you’re all as excited as I am to get this movie going–

            Undercover Villain: Woo-hoo!  I can’t wait for my shocking reveal, it is so epic!

           Lead Character: Yes.  Before we begin, I wanted to let you all know that we’re being joined today by Fan, who’ll be along for the ride in every scene.

            Fan: Hi, guys!

            Obligatory Love Interest: Wow, we already have a Fan?

            Fan: Oh yes, I just loved the book, it’s one of my favorites.

            (Characters stare at Fan)

            Lead Character: You do know that a lot of things from the book got… altered in the movie adaptation, right?

            Fan: Totally!  I figured a bunch of events’ll get streamlined, some characters’ll get combined, not much of the original dialogue will remain intact, the usual shenanigans – I’m completely on board!

            Lead Character: We’ll see about that.  All right everyone, places!  And… action!

            Fan: Ooh, I just got a chill.

            SCENE 5

FADE IN:

EXT. A BANK – EARLY AFTERNOON

     CUT TO:

     INT. CAR

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN and SIDEKICK sit in the driver’s and passenger’s seats, respectively.  UNDERCOVER VILLAIN is tugging on a uniform collar.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

I wish I didn’t have to wear this in 100° weather.

                       

SIDEKICK

Yeah, tell me again why we’re –

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Ssh, here they come!

     They watch shady figures entering the bank.

                             SIDEKICK

Same time every day.  You think they want to get caught?  Or, are they really setting a trap, and it’s for us?!

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

That’s what we’re here to find out.

(Fan pops up from the backseat)

Fan: Hi, just a quick question: I know this part was added to tie in with the whole counterfeiting ring/stolen cars/casino robberies showdown at the end, but I was wondering why you two right now are dressed as police officers and ambiguously watching this random bank, when in the book we were straight-up told that you were the villain on Page 8 and this guy here didn’t even exist?

Undercover Villain: Keeps the audience on their toes.  Plus I needed someone to explain my villainous schemes to.

Fan: Yeah, but why?  There are already three other mysteries going on at this very moment; we really don’t need another.

Undercover Villain: Everyone loves an epic shocking reveal.

Fan: Yeah, but even without having read the book, everything you say and do makes it quite clear that you’re a villain.

Undercover Villain: (Lifts an eyebrow while staring in the rearview mirror at Fan) Am I?

MUSIC. [DUN-DUN-DUUUUN!]

Sidekick: Yes.

Undercover Villain: Well, it’s not always that clear.

Fan: Yeah, but –

Undercover Villain: Love to chat – gotta drive!

CUT TO:

High-speed chase out of the parking lot; both cars involved immediately stall in the never-ending traffic.

Fan: (Looks at Undercover Villain and Sidekick, who are both fuming) Would you like me to run up ahead and pepper spray them for you?

SCENE 27.

FADE IN:

INT. A NEARLY EMPTY DANCE STUDIO - EVENING

                        LEAD CHARACTER

You will dance again; you just have to believe in yourself, like I do with my entire soul.

                  

OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

I-I-I can’t!  The Dance has left me!

Gracefully swoons to the group to weep.  LEAD CHARACTER leans down to bring OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST standing up again.

                             LEAD CHARACTER

          Here.  Let me remind you of how talented you are.

     They waltz around the studio.

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

I think my life has found its meaning again, and it never would have if it weren’t for you!

            (In the mirror they see Fan’s horrified face staring back at them; they stop dancing)

            Lead Character: What, did I miss my mark?

            Fan: Um, I really don’t know where to begin….

            Obligatory Love Interest: I didn’t show enough adoration and cleavage, is that it?

            Fan: I think that’s as good a place to start as any: since when have you been a dancer?  Ever?

            Obligatory Love Interest: Since… forever?

            Fan: You’re supposed to be a neurosurgeon!

            Obligatory Love Interest: No need to be elitist.

            Fan: I agree, but you also should agree that there’s quite a difference between the two professions when it comes to your impact on the plot!  Now how are you supposed to make the Family Patriarch walk again?!

            Obligatory Love Interest: The who?

            Fan: The driving force behind the whole art forgery storyline!

            Lead Character: Yeah, that was scrapped.

            Fan: What?!  That was almost a third of the entire book!

            Lead Character: It just didn’t fit in the narrative flow.

            Fan: And schmaltzing around here does?!

            Lead Character: It’s part of my redemption arc.

            Fan: Ha!  You were a secondary character at best; no one cared about you, but your role got puffed up anyway!

            Lead Character: Listen, insults aside, we really need to finish this scene.

            Fan: Oh, by all means, continue with your butchery!

OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST stares deep into LEAD CHARACTER’S eyes.

                        OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

     Now, save my soul!

                       

LEAD CHARACTER

     Just as you saved mine.

(As they half-heartedly kiss, they are distracted by the gagging noises coming from Fan)

SCENE 103.

CUT TO:

EXT. A CORNFIELD – NIGHT

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

     I saw them run through there!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

     Great!  Let’s get after them!

The two draw their guns and run.

Fan: Where are we going?

Lead Character’s Best Friend: After them!

Fan: No, I mean plot-wise: where are we going?!  And shouldn’t you be dead by now?

GUNFIRE is heard nearby.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

     Aha!  We have them surrounded!

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN turns to point gun on LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Actually, it is you who are the one who is surrounded.  Mwahaha.

LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND turns to point gun on UNDERCOVER VILLAIN.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

     This can’t be!  You were always so trustworthy!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

     All the more reason not to have trusted me!

SIDEKICK runs in from stage left.

                        SIDEKICK

     Boss, the shipment’s moving out, we’ve gotta go!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

                    (To LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND)

     Until we inevitably meet again!

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN runs away with SIDEKICK, both of them trying to cackle evilly.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

Curses!  How could I have been duped by so obvious an undercover villain?!

     Fan: And you’re still alive – see, that would’ve been the perfect moment for them to have dispatched you and get something in this mess right.

            Lead Character’s Best Friend: But I’m a fan favorite!

            Fan: News to me.

SCENE 177.

FADE IN:

INT. A CORPORATE OFFICE – MORNING

All the important characters have gathered around the board room table.

                        LEAD CHARACTER

Well folks, we foiled all the villains, rescued all the orphans, and ensured that I found my one true love.

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

And I found The Dance again!

     Fan: Who actually watches you?  I’m being serious: not once have I seen you perform in public or even teach anybody.

                                                                        LEAD CHARACTER

So, all in all, I think it’s safe to say our adventures have had a satisfactory conclusion for all concerned.

     Fan: Oh thank –

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN bursts through the door, wearing prison stripes and a ball and chain on one leg.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

     NOT.  SO.  FAST.

Fan: What the – ?

                                                UNDERCOVER VILLAIN (Continued)

With great pains I have defeated the maximum-security prison, the local law enforcement, and the entire judicial system to get here, and now I shall defeat YOU!

                   LEAD CHARACTER

Not so fast yourself, oh foe of mine: haven’t you forgotten YOUR SECRET CHILD?

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

My what?!

Fan: Your what?!

LEAD CHARACTER wheels a carriage from behind a podium and picks up a BABY from it.

                        LEAD CHARACTER

Gaze upon your spawn: how you can you continue your villainous ways when you have this adorable coochie-coo face staring judgmentally at you?

     UNDERCOVER VILLAIN reaches out to pick up the BABY.

                             UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Oh sweet child of mine!  That settles it: the mere existence of my offspring makes me realize that I must never do evil ever, ever again!

                        LEAD CHARACTER

Splendid – just sign over all your shares in the company to me and we’ll forget the whole thing ever happened.

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Right-ho!

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

Now that’s what I call a happy ending!

     Fan: I have absolutely no idea what just happened.