Story 399: Extreme Facial

 In a spa’s waiting room, the Receptionist looked up as the Customer entered with a blast of outside oven air; the welcoming smile was maintained as the former realized the latter was glistening.

“Hello,” the Receptionist said while trying to breathe only through the mouth, “you have an appointment?”

“Yeah,” the Customer said while patting various body parts with a suddenly-produced towel.  “Last name’s -----; I’d made a 3:00 appointment for a facial, not knowing at the time that today would be Summer with a capital ‘S.’”

The Receptionist navigated through the computer: “Oh yes, here you are.  There’re few forms to fill out – would you like to… freshen up first?”

“Would I ever!  It’s 105° Celsius outside, and as you’ve undoubtedly noticed, I’m a bit drippy.”

“Heh-heh, you mean it’s actually 105°… Fahrenheit?”

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you.”

“Bathroom’s down the hall.”

After the Customer washed up/dried off and completed the questionnaire, the Aesthetician unobtrusively appeared to take the forms and lead the way to the treatment room. There was dim lighting, a narrow bed piled up with comfy blankets, and soothing wind chime music playing softly.

“Aaaaaaahhhh….” the Customer sighed, “this is the mood setting I forgot to anticipate in my rush to get here.”

“Hm?”  The Aesthetician was distracted in the routine of preparing for the session.  “Oh, yes, completely relax and let your cares fade away for the next hour.  Now please strip off your top and put this wrap on.”  Said wrap was pointed out on the bed.

The Customer stared at it.  “Oh.  Right.  Also forgot about the near-nudity required at these things.”

The Aesthetician left the room for a few minutes to give the Customer privacy and time to change, and also to review the skin issues selected on the forms: “Oh my: we have our work cut out for us today.”

Knocking when re-entering the room, the Aesthetician saw the Customer lying on the bed under the blankets, eyes closed, slightly snoring: “Ahem!”

The Customer blinked rapidly: “Oh hey, what’s up?”

The Aesthetician moved behind the bed and placed a towel around the Customer’s hair: “So, I’m going to start with some exfoliators: you indicated on the forms you have issues with acne, eczema, rosacea, dry skin, and oily skin?”

“Yeah, it’s a big ol’ mess in there.”

“Right – here we go.”

The Aesthetician rubbed various products onto the Customer’s face that gently removed a mini-layer of epidermis while the latter increasingly relaxed.

“This is great….”

“Uh-huh.”  The Aesthetician pulled down a face shield and swung a bright light over the Customer’s head: “And now, we begin The Extraction.”

The Customer’s eyes flew wide open: “Huh?”

The Aesthetician produced a mini-jackhammer and began drilling away at all the pesky acne pustules that covered the Customer’s face.  After five minutes, the Aesthetician turned off the jackhammer and swapped it out for an electric prod: “And now, time for us to teach those ingrown hairs who’s boss.”

“Wait a sec – ” ZAP!  ZAP-ZAP-ZAP!

“Ooh,” the Aesthetician muttered while peering closer, “we’ve got a stubborn one on your right cheek.”

“Oh, that’s been there for ages; it’s an ongoing battle.”

“Let’s settle this once and for all, shall we?”  ZAAAAAAAP!!!!

When the electricity stopped, the Customer wearily asked, “Is that my face that’s smoking?”

“Not at all – just need to let our friend here cool off a minute so as not to overheat.  Aaaaand here we go!”  ZAP-ZAP-ZAP –

“You know, I think I’ll start wearing a moustache – ”

“Nonsense: no one with any sense of current Western fashion trends wears moustaches without some kind of complementary beard anymore; it just looks incomplete.  Now, let us resume removing the inflammation.”  Jackhammer again.

Sometime later, the Aesthetician set that tool aside and whipped out a sander: “And now, this should eradicate the rest of the flesh that’s the source of most of your facial discomfort.”

“Wait – ” scrape – “I’m confused – ” scrape – “are you an aesthetician – ” scrape-scrape – “or an intense dermatologist?!”  Scrape-scrape-scraaaaaaape….

“Now!”  The Aesthetician flung down the sander and briskly rubbed some oil between the hands.  “Time for the massage.”

“Oh thank goodness – ” the Aesthetician proceeded to compress the Customer’s skull.  Shoulders, arms, and hands then were dislocated and reinserted back into their sockets; there was one final smoothing out of muscles, and then the Aesthetician sat back, exhausted.

“Right!  All done.  I’ll leave you some water to replace the moisture you’ve lost as you get dressed before you come back to the front desk and give me my tip.”  The Aesthetician left the room and washed off the detritus from the session.

The Customer shakily returned to the front desk and was greeted by the Receptionist: “Hi there!  Feel nice and refreshed?”

“You have a mirror?”

“Sure!”  The Receptionist held up a small one.

“Huh.”  The Customer turned this way and that while looking at the reflection.  “It’s still there.”

“What, a blemish you wanted to get rid of?”

“No: my face.”

The Aesthetician emerged from the back expectantly: “Hello-hello-hello!”

The Customer handed over a bill: “Here you go, everything was great, I never want to see you again, thanks.”

“You’re welcome, come back soon, bye!”  The Aesthetician left to prepare for the next appointment: a deep-tissue, deep-nail pedicure.

The Customer turned back to the Receptionist: “I have a gift certificate.”

“Sure, I’ll take that for you!”  While processing the transaction, the Receptionist made a last-ditch effort for repeat business: “You know, we offer 25% off sales throughout the year – one’s even coming up in about two weeks!”

The Customer gingerly touched the right cheek, wincing: “I’ll have to think about it; this was a little more… intense than I expected for a spa visit.”

“Well, that’s because this is actually a medical spa – here, we don’t fool around.”

Story 398: Time for the Mastodon Check

 (On a park trail)

Friend 1: – and that’s the last time I’m getting that emotionally involved in a TV series ever again: after years of teasing, the showrunners basically gave the fans what we wanted with one hand, then punched us in the face with the other.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  We all tell ourselves that, right up until the moment we do it all over again with the next show that sucks us in.

Friend 1: Of course.

(They walk for several seconds in silence)

Friend 2: Heh-heh – mastodon check.

Friend 1: I… don’t think I’ve ever heard two words strung together that made less sense then what you uttered just now.  Is my brain finally breaking down?

Friend 2: No, I’m just making a joke: someone once told me that “mastodon check” refers back to when our prehistoric ancestors hadn’t conquered Earth yet and still lived among larger creatures that could regularly pick them off, so they’d have to constantly be aware of what was around them when out hunter-gathering.  So present-day, when there’s a lull in conversation about every 20 minutes, it’s supposedly our instincts kicking in for us to look out that no giant hungry creatures like mastodons have snuck up on us while we were chit-chatting.

Friend 1: Oh.  Should we be looking for them, then?

Friend 2: …No, they’ve been extinct for quite some time.

Friend 1: Oh good.  For a minute there I thought one’d come out of the woods and eat us.

 Friend 2: You’re probably just hearing the deer – all you’d have to worry about from them coming out of the woods is running you over.

Friend 1: Yeah, that’d be a bummer.  You know, this whole thing about Neanderthals and woolly mammoths –

Friend 2: Mastodons.

Friend 1: – sounds like an interesting social experiment I’d like to try out.

Friend 2: I don’t like the sound of that.

Friend 2: Don’t worry, it’ll be purely observational.  It’ll be interesting to see how primitive we as a species still are and always will be.

Friend 2: I’d keep that observation to yourself.

 THE NEXT DAY

 (At an office, Friend 1 is in a conference room with several coworkers)

Coworker 1: OK, I think that’s it – meeting adjourned.  (Everyone starts to leave)

Friend 1: Wait a minute, shouldn’t we all –

Coworker 1: What?  Get out of here?  Yes.

Friend 1: – hang back for a few minutes?  We buzzed right through that meeting and there were no pauses whatsoever.

Coworker 2: Darn tootin’ – I hate meetings.

Friend 1: So, we have a few more minutes, and we should just, you know, take a breather.

Coworker 1: (Looks at cell phone) Yeah, OK, I’ve got a few before my next meeting.

Coworker 3: Another meeting?

Coworker 1: They’re all I seem to do lately.

Coworker 2: I hate meetings.

Coworker 1: Yes, we established that – I think you’ll find few who don’t.

Coworker 4: I miss when they’d serve food at these things.

The Rest: Yeah.

(They all sigh, then stare at the table in silence for several seconds)

Friend 1: (Whispers) Mastodon check….

Coworker 1: What?

Friend 1: I said, look at the time, gotta go, bye!  (Runs out of the room)

Coworker 3: (Yelling after Friend 1) But this was your idea!

 THE NEXT DAY

 (In a restaurant, Friend 1 is at dinner with a date)

Date: I told myself I’d never do online dating, but with everything going on lately, I figured, why not, eh?

Friend 1: (Nodding intensely while keeping an eye on one arm, sporting a wristwatch, stretched out on the table) Uh-huh, uh-huh, well, one needs to keep busy, doesn’t one, right?

Date: (Eyes dart over to Friend 1’s arm) Doooo you need to head out somewhere soon?

Friend 1: Huh?

Date: (Points to the watch) I don’t want to keep you.

Friend 1: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Date: Oh-kay.  (Drinks some water while looking around the restaurant)

Friend 1: Ha!  Twenty minutes!

Date: Excuse me?

Friend 1: Oh, I guess it doesn’t count if it’s more of an awkward pause than a natural lull.

Date: I feel like we’re having two different conversations here.

Friend 1: Sorry, don’t mind me, just doing a mental reset…. (Stares at the watch to memorize the new time)

Date: Maybe I should just ask for the check.

Friend 1: (Looks up suddenly) The mastodon check?!

Date: What?

Friend 1: What?

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 is at a family cook-out; relatives are standing around holding plates because all the tables are filled with the food being served)

Relative 1: (To Relative 2) Look, we’re never going to agree on this, so we might as well change the subject.  Wanna talk about politics instead?

Relative 2: YES!

Friend 1: (Walks over to them, holding a plate of food in one hand and a watch in the other) Excuse me, how long have you two been talking together?

Relative 2: About five minutes, why?

Friend 1: Drat, thought it was longer.  Proceed.  (Leaves)

Relative 1: (Mutters to Relative 2) That one’s always been a bit off.

(Friend 1 hovers on the edge of a larger, laughing group, which tapers off into silence)

Friend 1: (Hisses) Yessss… wait, forgot to set the time.

Relative 3: (Points to the distance) Hey, what’s that over there?

(Everyone shields their eyes as they turn to stare at a large shape in the distance coming closer to them; Friend 1’s eyes widen while the watch and plate are dropped)

Friend 1: (In a horrified whisper) The mastodon!

Relative 4: (Running in from the edges of the property) Everyone, quick, some mutant elephant’s on the loose or something, run!

(The relatives all drop their plates and run, forgetting that most of them had arrived in cars)

 Friend 1: (Answers ringing cell phone while on the move) You won’t believe what’s happening here right now!

Friend 2: (Relaxing on the living room couch while watching the TV) Oh, it’s by you?  I saw on the news some evil scientist cloned a mastodon from fossils and set it off on a rampage to “see Nature reassert its dominance,” and I immediately thought of you.  Guess you’d better run in the opposite direction then, huh.

Friend 1: (Still talking on the phone while running) You think our hunter-gathering instincts’ll kick in enough for us to fashion spears and herd this thing to the nearest nature preserve?!

Friend 2: I doubt it – I’m surprised any of you are even able enough to run away at this point in our species’ evolution.

Friend 1: (Starting to stagger) Seeing as I’m about to pass out from lack of air and muscle tone, I agreeeee!!!!

Story 397: Make Sure You Appreciate the Moment, Dangit!

 (At a family get-together, family members get together around a long dining room table in the only house that can fit everyone)

Head of Family: (Raises a glass to signal others to do the same) I’d like to take this moment to say, it’s great to see you all here today, and even though we have dinners like this for every major holiday we celebrate, we should never take each other or occasions like this for granted.

(Relative 1’s mouth drops open in mid-pasta-chew)

Relative 2: Hear, hear!

Relatives: Cheers!

Head of Family: Wait, I wasn’t finished yet!  (Relatives pause mid-sip) Soooo… umm….

Relative 3: Don’t take anything for granted?

Head of Family: Right!  Yes!  Don’t.  Bottom line: appreciate moments like this when we’re all together, and eating good food, and listening to that one over there’s work stories for the 88^th time –

Relative 4: Heh?

Head of Family: Love you all!  (Raises glass higher) Now you can cheer.

Relatives: Cheers!  (Everyone downs their drinks and then dives into the food)

Relative 3: (Sitting next to Relative 1) Something wrong with your dish?

Relative 1: (Had been staring into the middle distance) What?  No, it’s just – it’s finally sinking in that I don’t truly appreciate things as much as I should.

Relative 3: (Begins eating) Well, when you think about it, who really does?

Relative 1: Lots of people!  And I thought I did, but it’s suddenly crashing in on me that, dinner-in, dinner-out, I just assume this pasta will always be there, and always taste delicious.

Relative 5: Aw, thank you!

Relative 1: (Points to Relative 5) See!  I don’t think I’ve properly thanked you for cooking us all dinner at these things in over 30 years!

Relative 5: It’s my pleasure – but it’s nice to hear every once in a while, too.  (Glares at the rest of the table)

 Relative 1: (Back to Relative 3) And I just shovel this food into my mouth, and don’t take the time to truly appreciate the flavor, or the work in making it, or the fact that we all can meet together like this and for the most part actually like each other, or the overwhelming love in this room!

(The other Relatives have stopped eating and now are staring at Relative 1)

Head of Family: Hey – don’t make this weird.

Relative 1: Sorry.  (Sheepishly starts eating again)

Relative 3: (As everyone else resumes the meal) I’m sure you’re fine; I wouldn’t worry much about whether you’re showing your gratitude enough, m’kay?  (Definitively turns away and begins talking with Relative 5)

Relative 1: (Whispers to the pasta) Too late….

(At a theater several days later, Relative 1 is leaning forward in the seat with wide-open eyes, taking in as much of the spectacle on stage as possible until intermission)

Relative 1: (Looks around as the house lights brighten and the entire theater stands up to go find the restrooms) Wait, I’m still trying to absorb the entire experience but my mind keeps jumping ahead to work tomorrow!

Theater-goer: Relax; it’ll start again in 15 minutes.

Relative 1: The curtain never goes up on time!

(At a retail store the next day, Relative 1 stands in a trance behind the cash register counter)

Coworker: (Walks over to Relative 1) Hey, what’s up with you?

Relative 1: (Still staring at the opposite end of the store) Oh, just taking it all in that I’ve been working here for almost five years, and it really is a nice environment to spend 40+ hours a week in, even when there’s an overwhelming amount of tasks and some customers just can’t help trolling us and some managers misplace their wrath on their beleaguered subordinates, you know.  (Looks at Coworker) You’re pretty cool to work with, did I ever tell you that?

Coworker: Uh, thanks, but I came here to give you a heads-up that you-know-who called out again so you’re going to have to cover the entire back half of the store in addition to the registers tonight.

Relative 1: Son of a – no, no, that is not the attitude I should be taking toward this situation.  Instead, I should view this as a stimulating challenge that I will ably conquer and look back upon fondly 10 years from now, when this era magically transforms from “The Annoying Times” to “The Good Old Days.”

Coworker: Hey, whatever works; I’m just riding this place out until graduation.  (Goes on break)

Relative 1: (Turns back to face the chaotic store and smiles as a line of customers materializes) You do you.

(In a dentist’s office the next day, Relative 1 is sitting in The Chair)

Dentist: (Holds X-rays up to the light) As you can see, years of failing to properly brush and floss combined with all the sugar you consume regularly have accumulated into the massive amounts of decay on every last one of your teeth – I’m going to have to put in fillings everywhere if there’s to be any hope of saving them, and even then it’ll be 50-50 for the molars.

Relative 1: (Grins wildly with rotten teeth) Pain, expense, added daily hygiene routines, possible bone loss: this is a valuable experience that I will endure stoically and later brag about to friends and enemies alike.  Drill away, Doc!  (Lies back on The Chair and opens mouth wide in a silent yell of triumph)

Dentist: (Mutters) Weirdo.  (Begins drilling enamel)

(At home the next day, Relative 1 is sitting on an armchair holding an ice pack against one side of the mouth when the phone rings)

Relative 1: (Speaking with swollen everything) Hi?

Relative 3: Hey, heard about your massive number of fillings – how’re you feeling now?

Relative 1: Could be better.  I’m actually just sitting around, contemplating my blessings of basic good health, loving family, comfortable life, etc., etc.

Relative 3: Oh, you’re still on that kick?  You know, you can appreciate life and all that, but if you keep focusing so much on trying to appreciate single moments it seems like you’re actually going to miss out on the things you’re trying to appreciate in the first place.

Relative 1: …Eh?

Relative 3: Don’t take anything too far, is what I’m saying.  Otherwise I’m going to spend Thanksgiving distracted seeing you zone out all over the place.

Relative 1: But how else am I gonna appreciate life to the utmost fullest?!

Relative 3: I don’t know; spot-check it, I guess!  And in the spirt of the topic, I’m going to appreciate my life more by ending this conversation now – bye.  (Hangs up)

Relative 1: (Sets down the phone and leans into the ice pack more) I just wish I could tell whether I’m appreciating the moment in the right amount.

Story 396: I Totally Remember What I’m Supposed to Give for Father’s Day

 (Relaxing on a hammock in the backyard, Dad answers a ringing cell phone)

Dad: Oh hi, what’s up?

Friend 1: Can’t a loving child call their father for no reason?

Dad: They can, but I’m going to see you tomorrow anyway so your call today piques my curiosity.

Friend 1: Yes, well, seeing as that’s Father’s Day and all, in the hustle-and-bustle of restaurant reservations and driving logistics and what-not, I realized I forgot to ask what you’d like as a gift.

Dad: No you didn’t.

Friend 1: What’s that?

Dad: You didn’t forget, you asked me when you had dinner here a few weeks ago, and I’d said then all you had to give me was –

Friend 1: Oh right, that!  Of course I remember, hustle-and-bustle, I was just testing you!  Silly.

Dad: Listen, it’s OK if you forgot, there’s a lot going on and we all have our moments as we get older –

Friend 1: Nope!  No, this isn’t a moment – I remember everything perfectly – I’ll go get to it right now – byeeeeee!!!  (Disconnects the call and flees out the front door)

Dad: (Stares at the phone in concern) Oh dear.  I hope this doesn’t become a whole thing; it’s my day, after all, by gum.

(Meanwhile, Friend 1 drives to the local mall and tears through it in a tizzy with all the other last-minute Father’s Day shoppers)

Friend 1: (Plowing through a crowd in a bookstore) Outta my way!  (Scanning the displays) Military history?  True crime?  Biography?  Sci-fi Romance?  How could I have lived with this man the entire first half of my life and not know what he likes?!  (A thought hits the cranium) Oh – maybe he actually said he wants a new wallet.  (Plows through the crowd to the nearest department store and scans the displays)  Leather?  Pleather?  Or did he really want a tie instead?  (Feels a tap on the shoulder and spins around) What are you doing here?

Friend 2: I could ask you the same thing: you never go to the mall.

Friend 1: Well, I’m just like everyone else here today, another victim of holiday panic-shopping – you?

Friend 2: I had to order my gift and pick-up was today.

Friend 1: Why didn’t you just ship it home?

Friend 2: I like to support my local superstore.  Need any help picking out something?

Friend 1: Nope!  No, I know exactly what I’m getting; just trying to decide on size – color – shape – molecular structure –

Friend 2: Did you forget what he asked you to get him?

Friend 1: …I am neither confirming nor denying that.

Friend 2: You can ask him again, you know; he’ll understand.

Friend 1: But I won’t!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: I can’t have forgotten something like this, it’d just be so stupid!  So I’m going to keep looking at random objects until the memory obediently bobs back up to the surface of my drowning brain and I can snag that sucker once and for all!

Friend 2: Or you could confess all and get him a generic gift card.

Friend 1: Never!

 FATHER’S DAY

(At a restaurant, Dad, Mom, and Friend 1 have brunch)

Dad: I think I’m going to go all out today and order French toast and a Western omelet.

Mom: Go right ahead: it’s a holiday, so the stomach pains don’t count.

Dad: Good point – maybe some of that will be to-go.  (Nods at a large bag on the floor by Friend 1’s chair) So, what’ve you got there, sport?

Friend 1: Well, I was thinking, since your birthday and other gift-giving holidays’ll be here before you know it, why not just skip the wait and give them all to you now?  (Dumps various-sized wrapped presents onto the table) Happy Everything, Dad!

Dad: Wow, that’s swell, thank you!

Friend 1: You’re welcome!  (Slumps slightly in relief)

Dad: (Grabs a present and begins unwrapping it) You do know, since the three of us hadn’t eaten out together in so long, all I’d asked you and your mother for today was a nice Sunday brunch, right?

Mom: (To Friend 1) You were very vocal in your relief at the lack of effort involved.

Friend 1: (Eyes widening in final remembrance) I’m starting to recall such a conversation occurring.

            Dad: (Puts on the tie he unwrapped and grabs another present) It’s OK – you’re young yet, so it’s only downhill from here, kiddo.

Friend 1: (Starts to reach out to take back the present) Well wait, we should save these for later this year then –

Dad: (Holds present to his chest) Nope!  No, I’m opening these now, this is my day!  You’re set for the rest of the year.

Friend 1: But I can’t not get you anything when those days come up, I’ll feel like I forgot again!

Dad: Don’t make this a whole thing!

Story 395: You’ll Get Your Money… When I Finally Remember to Bring It

 (Friend 1 is lounging on the couch, reading a magazine featuring scandalous misdemeanors, when the phone rings)

Friend 1: Hi, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at home) Hey, I’m trying to order the Manly Men concert tickets and the first hundred rows are already sold out!

Friend 1: Bummer.  How long ago’d they go on sale?

Friend 2: About two minutes!

Friend 1: What?

Friend 2: The best seats I can get right now are in the middle of the second upper mezzanine – no, wait, those are gone, too….

Friend 1: Just pick any seats and bill me later – at this point I don’t care where we sit as long as the price is not pushing $1,000 and the view is neither partially nor fully obstructed.

Friend 2: (Clicking the mouse wildly) OK, OK, I think I got something halfway decent, and now it’s counting down for me to enter payment or they’ll release the seats again, ooh, the pressure!

Friend 1: I’m hanging up so you can concentrate – text me my total.  (Disconnects the call and reimmerses in the magazine) Hm, thought that dude just wanted to land on Mars; didn’t realize they wanted to relocate it….

 THE NEXT DAY

 (Friend 1 and Friend 2 meet at a café for lunch)

Friend 2: Sooo, I managed to snag seats in the last row left orchestra – I apologize in advance if the only reason those were available is because everyone else knows they’re the worst.

Friend 1: I don’t really care – it’ll be nice having no one directly behind us screaming in our ears, and an easy exit to boot.  Maybe we can sneak out during the last encore and beat the crowds –

Friend 2: ABSOLUTELY NOT!  (Friend 1’s eyes widen) Sorry – this is my one obsession in life.

Friend 1: You’re allowed.

Friend 2: You get my text with your share?

Friend 1: Oh yeah – (Looks at the cell phone) You want check or cash?

Friend 2: Can’t you just transfer it to my account?

Friend 1: Please: you’re lucky I even have a smartphone.  Check or cash is all I do, unless you take a credit card.

Friend 2: I’m not a business so, no.  Check is fine.

Friend 1: Great!  I’ll have it next time I see you.

 THE NEXT TIME THEY SEE EACH OTHER

 (On a park trail)

Friend 2: – and then I said, “Just because you messed up the project, how is this now my problem?”, and then –

Friend 1: (Stops short on the trail) Oh, shoot!

Friend 2: (Also stops, looking around quickly) What, what?  Is it deer hunting season already?

Friend 1: No, I just remembered I had the check all ready for you and I forgot to bring it with me!

Friend 2: The check?  Oh, for the concert ticket?

Friend 1: Yes!  It’s still sitting on the kitchen counter, where I left it so I wouldn’t forget it!

Friend 2: No big deal; you can give it to me later.

Friend 1: It’s dated for today!

Friend 2: So?  I’m given 90 days to deposit it, or the funds go back into your account anyway.

Friend 1: But it feels all wrong.

Friend 2: You’ve got a lot of hang-ups.

 THE NEXT TIME THEY SEE EACH OTHER

 (At an amusement park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 stand on line for a roller coaster)

Friend 1: This ride’d better be worth it – my line-waiting limit is two hours.

Friend 2: You’re generous: we’ve been here for a quarter of that and I’m two seconds away from marching over to that stand and demanding a lemonade.

Friend 1: I refuse to throw away time invested – uh-oh.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: I just realized I left the check on the kitchen counter again!

Friend 2: Oh, that?  Just get it on the way home tonight.

Friend 1: But I picked you up!  We’d have to go past your place to mine and then back again!

Friend 2: All right, then leave it for next time, it’ll keep.

Friend 1: Arrgggghhhhh….

Amusement Park Employee: Sorry folks, ride’s gotta shut down for repairs.

Friend 1: Aaaaahhhhh!!!!

Friend 2: Drama queen.

 THE NIGHT OF THE CONCERT

(Friend 2 arrives at Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: (Opens the door and holds out a check) Aha!  I’ve got it!  I’ve been holding this for the past three hours so I’d actually have it on me when I saw you!  And the timing couldn’t have been better since the show’s tonight – !

Friend 2: (Snatches the check and shoves Friend 1 out the door) That’s great, let’s go, I want to see my Men!

THE NEXT TIME THEY SEE EACH OTHER

(At a lake, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are kayaking leisurely)

Friend 1: You know, I’m not their biggest fan, but I do admire their vocals and choreography.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: And they have excellent stamina for their… well, you know… none of us are getting any younger, am-I-right?

Friend 2: Uh-huh.

Friend 1: (Turns back slightly to see Friend 2, also turning the kayak slightly) What’s up?  I thought you had a great time that night.

Friend 2: Huh?  Oh, I did, it was a blast, I’ll never forget it.

Friend 1: But…?

Friend 2: Uh, well, you remember that whole thing with the check for you ticket?

Friend 1: Yes, and I still feel the burning shame about the horrendous –

Friend 2: Yeah-yeah-yeah – I guess what I’ve been wondering about is, does your bank penalize your account for, I don’t know, a stop payment request for a check?

Friend 1: (Flatly) …Why.

Friend 2: I think I lost it.

Story 394: Accidental Super-Vision

 (In an inner room at an Ophthalmologist’s office, Patient sits in an exam chair and swings the freakish lens instrument back and forth in agitation until the doctor enters)

Ophthalmologist: (Carries a chart in one hand and closes the door with the other) Sorry for the wait – please leave the phoroptor alone –

Patient: (Stops swinging the instrument and starts bouncing a foot on the chair) Hi Doc, I know it’s backed up here with people’s unexpected issues and what-not, but five hours is a bit of a time commitment for just an annual exam, and I’ve gotta go be anywhere else but here so can I please leave nowwwww????!!!

Ophthalmologist: (Removing several printed images from the chart) Yes, about the exam –

Patient: (Half rising out of the chair) Everything looks all right – vision’s unchanged – literally see you next year – bye?

Ophthalmologist: Well…. (Points to one of the images) These spots are showing up now that weren’t there last year.

Patient: (Grabs the image and states at it for a few moments) So, bottom line: am I going blind in the next six months?

Ophthalmologist: No; it could be that nothing will ever happen with these either, but if you’re concerned about macular degeneration then you should start taking these multivitamins to slow down any possible damage that may – may, mind you – be happening.  (Hands Patient a list from the chart) And of course wear sunglasses when it’s bright out and eat healthy food and all that common-sense stuff.

Patient: (Briefly scans the list before shoving it into a pocket and running out the door) Great; just don’t try to sell me laser surgery yet; I already gave my co-pay at the front desk; bill my insurance company for the rest; byeeeee!!!! (Rushes to a very important appointment with a living room couch, a television episode, and lots of popcorn)

 THE NEXT DAY

(At a pharmacy, Patient wanders the multivitamin aisle)

Employee: Hello, do you need help finding anything?

Patient: Hi, yes, thank you – I need all the vitamins.

Employee: A multivitamin?

Patient: Yes!  That one.  Specifically for this.  (Hands over the list)

Employee: (Reads the notes) Oh, this is for eye care.

Patient: Yeah-yeah-yeah, I need the eye stuff, you guys got any?

Employee: (Brings Patient to another part of the aisle and points to part of a shelf) These are for eye health: I have to warn you that few are FDA-approved, but they say whether they are or not on the box – you also should check the ingredients to see if they match what you need.

Patient: (Grabs a few boxes to read them quickly, keeps one and shoves the others back onto the shelf) This’ll do – thanks for your help!

Employee: (Quickly peers at the box in Patient’s hand) Uh, this is for treating advanced macular degeneration – I thought your paper said this was more for prevention?

Patient: (Running toward the cashier) Po-tay-to, po-tah-to – it’s just vitamins, can’t hurt, right?

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (In an office, Coworker walks to Patient’s cubicle and watches the latter staring at the computer screen)

Coworker: Hey.

Patient: (Still staring at the screen) `Sup.

Coworker: You still working on that report I asked you for two days ago?  `Cause I really needed it two days ago.  I pushed it back with it being Memorial Day this week, but I’m pretty certain you were just recovering from a beach trip instead of any actual holiday observances.

Patient: What? (Looks at Coworker) Oh, right, sorry, got a bit distracted there.

Coworker: (Leans over to look at the screen) You’re not watching porn on that, are you?

Patient: What?!  No!

Coworker: Too bad – for a second I thought someone’d finally figured out how to do it.

Patient: No, it’s just – (Scootches chair over to Coworker, briefly looks around the office, and whispers) do you notice anything different… everywhere?

Coworker: Everything’s different every day.

Patient: No, I mean – (Waves a hand in the air) When you look around, do the… colors seem different to you lately?

Coworker: I’m color blind.

Patient: Ah, sorry, it’s just – (Points to the computer screen) when I look at that, or any screen now, I’m starting to see… more.  Like all these lines, and colors but not really colors, they’re… I don’t know how to describe them.

Coworker: (Laughs) What, you think you’re starting to see outside of the visible spectrum?

Patient: (Stands in realization) Yes!  That is exactly what I’m seeing!  I mean, even looking at you now, I can see your healed broken elbow, and your messed-up liver, and your really messed-up stomach, and your –

Coworker: (Holds hands to cover up body) Whoa there, this is skirting workplace harassment territory!  I think – it’s a little unprecedented.

Patient: Sorry, it’s just all soooo…. (Stares around the office in awe) beautiful.

Coworker: Are you on something?

Patient: Hm?  Oh, just some vitamins.  (Grabs the bottle off the desk and hands it to Coworker) My eye doctor recommended them to head off losing my vision down the road; you think maybe they’re the ones doing this?

Coworker: (Reads the label) These are really strong!  It says they’re for someone with advanced eye disease!

Patient: (Picks up a ringing cell phone and stares at the waves emanating from it) Yeah, so?

Coworker: So these are probably too strong for you if you don’t need them!

Patient: What’re you talking about?  It’s got the same stuff Doc told me to get.  (Takes the list from a pants pocket and hands it to Coworker)

Coworker: (Scans the list, then shakes the bottle at Patient) These have triple the amounts your doctor told you to get!

Patient: Oh.  I thought that meant I had to take three at a time then.

Coworker: Three at a – ?!  If anything, you should’ve taken a third of each!

Patient: Oh.  Well, math never was my strong suit.  (Suddenly looks into the distance) Ooh, another solar flare, neat!

Coworker: You should stop taking these right now, and you probably should go visit an emergency department or urgent care center to make sure you haven’t poisoned yourself!

Patient: What for?  A week ago I thought I was gonna go blind, and now I can see everything!  And I do mean everything.  (Leans toward Coworker conspiratorially) Do you know how many people on this floor are using the company’s Wi-Fi to gamble online as we speak?   A lot more than 0.

Coworker: Listen: from what you’re saying this could actually wind up damaging your eyes very badly, and maybe even your heart, and maybe even all your organs – please go see a doctor!

Patient: Ironically, seeing a doctor is what started all this.  (Thinks for a few moments) You know, I have a better idea.

Coworker: This is the only idea!

Patient: Hear me out: instead of spending hours and hours again waiting just to be given more bad news, I think I really have no choice but to become a superhero.

Coworker: …What?!

Patient: If I’ve been granted super-vision in place of no vision, then clearly I’m meant to save the world with it.

Coworker: (Sighs in defeat and hands the bottle and list back to Patient) Fine – could you at least send me that report I’ve asked you multiple times for before you take off to save humanity?

Patient: Oh right, sure!  (Darts back into the cubicle and sits at the desk) The literal vibes coming off this thing are starting to freak me out, though.  Oh, and before you go?

Coworker: Yes?

Patient: You might want to go see a doctor yourself about that fever you have going on – the infrared all around you is outta control!

Coworker: (Wipes sweating forehead) Forget saving the world: you can hire yourself out as a personal medical scanner.

Patient: Sweet!  Instead of being a superhero, I can be super-rich!