Story 449: Diagnosis Massage

             (In a massage room at a spa, Client is lying face-down on the table and covered with lots of blankets when Massage Therapist enters carrying a stack of forms)

Massage Therapist: Hel-whoa, you’re already disrobed and in position, OK.  (Closes the door)

Client: (Props up self on one hand while preserving modesty with the blankets) Yeah, I don’t waste any time.  Nice to meet you, by the way.

Massage Therapist: Likewise.  (Scans through the forms) So, you marked off here that you have pain in your back, arms, legs, hands, feet, and head, and you’re basically a big ol’ mess, is that correct?

Client: Well, actually it’s just sometimes I get twinges here and there, like when I run up against a wall or table or something, you know, no big deal.

Massage Therapist: So, you’re not in constant body-wide pain as this form seems to be saying?

Client: (Laughs) Good heavens, no; you think I’d be here if I was?

Massage Therapist: This is a medical spa, so yes.

Client: Oh.  Someone just gave me a gift certificate for here, and I never get massages but since this was free I was like, “Sure.”

Massage Therapist: Mm-hm.  (Uses a pen to cross out the entire page) That should be it – normally I’d step out for a few minutes to give you a chance to strip, but since that’s a moot point we’ll get started.  (Turns down the lights and turns up the ambient music) Now, please lie on your back as I start on your head and throat.

Client: (Lies on back) Oh yay, here we go!

(Massage Therapist works on Client’s scalp and neck for a few minutes, then suddenly stops)

Massage Therapist: Do you have sleep apnea?

Client: (Wakes from a semi-doze) Huh?  Sleep what? 

Massage Therapist: You stop breathing when you sleep?

Client: Ummmm, I have no idea… although I do know that I’m quite the snorer.

Massage Therapist: (Continues massage) Mm.  You might want to get a referral for a sleep study.

Client: Oh.  How do you know?

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously, while rubbing Client’s shoulders) There are signs….

Client: Oh.  Good to know, I guess.

(Massage Therapist moves on to Client’s arms and legs, slowing down around the left elbow)

Massage Therapist: Hmmmm….

Client: What?

Massage Therapist: You ever break this arm?

Client: What?!  No!

Massage Therapist: (Placing slight pressure on the ulna closer to the elbow) You sure about that?

Client: Yes!  Well, I mean, I banged it up pretty bad once –

Massage Therapist: (Still feeling around the elbow) About three years ago?

Client: (Thinks) Maybe?  Years are starting to turn into days for me, if you know what I mean.  But I never full-out broke it, I’d’ve known about it!

Massage Therapist: Mm.  (Puts the arm under the blankets and moves on to the left leg) Yeah, it was full-out broken and it surprisingly healed basically straight, but you now have rampant arthritis there and you’ll know whenever it’s going to rain or snow for the rest of your life.

Client: (Lifts up arm to stare at it) But it feels fine!  Ish.  It does get a bit funny when the weather’s bad, now that you mention it.  (Stares closer at the elbow) Is that what that lump is?!

Massage Therapist: (Gently lowers the arm back under the blankets) Ssshhh – all will be well.  It’s just that joint replacement may be in your future, that’s all.

Client: <Whimpers>

(Massage Therapist finishes the right arm and the legs and moves on to the feet)

Massage Therapist: Hard to find shoes in your size, is it?

Client: (Lifts head slightly off the table) Yes!  Apparently, small feet don’t exist so I either have to get kids’ sizes or wear extra socks!  (Lowers head back down, then raises it again) Why do you ask?

Massage Therapist: You’re on your way to needing orthotics since your feet are all messed up.

Client: (Drops head back down) Arggghhh....

Massage Therapist: Nothing to be ashamed of – your feet just are a bit wee.

Client: I’m not ashamed, I’m annoyed!

Massage Therapist: (Focuses on the right foot) You used to play soccer, yes?

Client: (Suspiciously) Yessss...?  How – ?

Massage Therapist: You have a footballer’s foot.  Right dominant?

Client: Yesss…?  How – ?

Massage Therapist: Right wear-and-tear.  (Finishes the feet and dries off the oil with hot towels)

Client: Ooh, nice and warm.

Massage Therapist: Yep, these get off the excess gunk I just slathered all over you.  (Slightly lifts up the blankets and turns away) Flip over and stick your face in the hole, please.  (Client flips over and sticks face through the padded hole at the head of the bed; Massage Therapist works on Client’s back, focusing on the shoulders) Hmmm….

Client: Oh no, what is it now?

Massage Therapist: You have to deal with an unreasonable landlord and noisy neighbors a lot?

Client: (Tries to sit up but is stuck) How on Earth did you know that?!

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously, rubbing the back firmly but soothingly) There are signs….

Client: Odd spot for them to be.

(After the session is completed, Massage Therapist leaves the room for Client to get dressed, returning after a few minutes with a cup of water)

Client: (Hands over a tip while accepting the water) Thanks.  (Drinks quickly)

Massage Therapist: (Pockets the tip serenely) My pleasure.  By the way, I didn’t want to bring this up while you were relaxing toward the end there, but you might want to stop procrastinating and reconcile with your parents before it’s too late.

Client: (Nearly spits out the water) OK, how could you possibly be able to tell any of that from just kneading my muscles?!

Massage Therapist: (Mysteriously) There are signs….

Client: In what?!  My pinky?!  My bicep?!  My hamstring?!  (Gasps) My hair?!

Massage Therapist: (Shifts to a casual stance) OK, full disclosure?

Client: Please.

Massage Therapist: I used to be a fortune teller at a traveling carnival.

Client: Ohhhh….

Massage Therapist: Yeah – I switched over to this because the customers complained a lot.  No one really likes hearing the full truth about themselves, you ever notice that?

Story 399: Extreme Facial

 In a spa’s waiting room, the Receptionist looked up as the Customer entered with a blast of outside oven air; the welcoming smile was maintained as the former realized the latter was glistening.

“Hello,” the Receptionist said while trying to breathe only through the mouth, “you have an appointment?”

“Yeah,” the Customer said while patting various body parts with a suddenly-produced towel.  “Last name’s -----; I’d made a 3:00 appointment for a facial, not knowing at the time that today would be Summer with a capital ‘S.’”

The Receptionist navigated through the computer: “Oh yes, here you are.  There’re few forms to fill out – would you like to… freshen up first?”

“Would I ever!  It’s 105° Celsius outside, and as you’ve undoubtedly noticed, I’m a bit drippy.”

“Heh-heh, you mean it’s actually 105°… Fahrenheit?”

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you.”

“Bathroom’s down the hall.”

After the Customer washed up/dried off and completed the questionnaire, the Aesthetician unobtrusively appeared to take the forms and lead the way to the treatment room. There was dim lighting, a narrow bed piled up with comfy blankets, and soothing wind chime music playing softly.

“Aaaaaaahhhh….” the Customer sighed, “this is the mood setting I forgot to anticipate in my rush to get here.”

“Hm?”  The Aesthetician was distracted in the routine of preparing for the session.  “Oh, yes, completely relax and let your cares fade away for the next hour.  Now please strip off your top and put this wrap on.”  Said wrap was pointed out on the bed.

The Customer stared at it.  “Oh.  Right.  Also forgot about the near-nudity required at these things.”

The Aesthetician left the room for a few minutes to give the Customer privacy and time to change, and also to review the skin issues selected on the forms: “Oh my: we have our work cut out for us today.”

Knocking when re-entering the room, the Aesthetician saw the Customer lying on the bed under the blankets, eyes closed, slightly snoring: “Ahem!”

The Customer blinked rapidly: “Oh hey, what’s up?”

The Aesthetician moved behind the bed and placed a towel around the Customer’s hair: “So, I’m going to start with some exfoliators: you indicated on the forms you have issues with acne, eczema, rosacea, dry skin, and oily skin?”

“Yeah, it’s a big ol’ mess in there.”

“Right – here we go.”

The Aesthetician rubbed various products onto the Customer’s face that gently removed a mini-layer of epidermis while the latter increasingly relaxed.

“This is great….”

“Uh-huh.”  The Aesthetician pulled down a face shield and swung a bright light over the Customer’s head: “And now, we begin The Extraction.”

The Customer’s eyes flew wide open: “Huh?”

The Aesthetician produced a mini-jackhammer and began drilling away at all the pesky acne pustules that covered the Customer’s face.  After five minutes, the Aesthetician turned off the jackhammer and swapped it out for an electric prod: “And now, time for us to teach those ingrown hairs who’s boss.”

“Wait a sec – ” ZAP!  ZAP-ZAP-ZAP!

“Ooh,” the Aesthetician muttered while peering closer, “we’ve got a stubborn one on your right cheek.”

“Oh, that’s been there for ages; it’s an ongoing battle.”

“Let’s settle this once and for all, shall we?”  ZAAAAAAAP!!!!

When the electricity stopped, the Customer wearily asked, “Is that my face that’s smoking?”

“Not at all – just need to let our friend here cool off a minute so as not to overheat.  Aaaaand here we go!”  ZAP-ZAP-ZAP –

“You know, I think I’ll start wearing a moustache – ”

“Nonsense: no one with any sense of current Western fashion trends wears moustaches without some kind of complementary beard anymore; it just looks incomplete.  Now, let us resume removing the inflammation.”  Jackhammer again.

Sometime later, the Aesthetician set that tool aside and whipped out a sander: “And now, this should eradicate the rest of the flesh that’s the source of most of your facial discomfort.”

“Wait – ” scrape – “I’m confused – ” scrape – “are you an aesthetician – ” scrape-scrape – “or an intense dermatologist?!”  Scrape-scrape-scraaaaaaape….

“Now!”  The Aesthetician flung down the sander and briskly rubbed some oil between the hands.  “Time for the massage.”

“Oh thank goodness – ” the Aesthetician proceeded to compress the Customer’s skull.  Shoulders, arms, and hands then were dislocated and reinserted back into their sockets; there was one final smoothing out of muscles, and then the Aesthetician sat back, exhausted.

“Right!  All done.  I’ll leave you some water to replace the moisture you’ve lost as you get dressed before you come back to the front desk and give me my tip.”  The Aesthetician left the room and washed off the detritus from the session.

The Customer shakily returned to the front desk and was greeted by the Receptionist: “Hi there!  Feel nice and refreshed?”

“You have a mirror?”

“Sure!”  The Receptionist held up a small one.

“Huh.”  The Customer turned this way and that while looking at the reflection.  “It’s still there.”

“What, a blemish you wanted to get rid of?”

“No: my face.”

The Aesthetician emerged from the back expectantly: “Hello-hello-hello!”

The Customer handed over a bill: “Here you go, everything was great, I never want to see you again, thanks.”

“You’re welcome, come back soon, bye!”  The Aesthetician left to prepare for the next appointment: a deep-tissue, deep-nail pedicure.

The Customer turned back to the Receptionist: “I have a gift certificate.”

“Sure, I’ll take that for you!”  While processing the transaction, the Receptionist made a last-ditch effort for repeat business: “You know, we offer 25% off sales throughout the year – one’s even coming up in about two weeks!”

The Customer gingerly touched the right cheek, wincing: “I’ll have to think about it; this was a little more… intense than I expected for a spa visit.”

“Well, that’s because this is actually a medical spa – here, we don’t fool around.”