(On a park trail)
Friend 1: – and that’s the last time I’m getting that emotionally involved in a TV series ever again: after years of teasing, the showrunners basically gave the fans what we wanted with one hand, then punched us in the face with the other.
Friend 2: Uh-huh. We all tell ourselves that, right up until the moment we do it all over again with the next show that sucks us in.
Friend 1: Of course.
(They walk for several seconds in silence)
Friend 2: Heh-heh – mastodon check.
Friend 1: I… don’t think I’ve ever heard two words strung together that made less sense then what you uttered just now. Is my brain finally breaking down?
Friend 2: No, I’m just making a joke: someone once told me that “mastodon check” refers back to when our prehistoric ancestors hadn’t conquered Earth yet and still lived among larger creatures that could regularly pick them off, so they’d have to constantly be aware of what was around them when out hunter-gathering. So present-day, when there’s a lull in conversation about every 20 minutes, it’s supposedly our instincts kicking in for us to look out that no giant hungry creatures like mastodons have snuck up on us while we were chit-chatting.
Friend 1: Oh. Should we be looking for them, then?
Friend 2: …No, they’ve been extinct for quite some time.
Friend 1: Oh good. For a minute there I thought one’d come out of the woods and eat us.
Friend 2: You’re probably just hearing the deer – all you’d have to worry about from them coming out of the woods is running you over.
Friend 1: Yeah, that’d be a bummer. You know, this whole thing about Neanderthals and woolly mammoths –
Friend 2: Mastodons.
Friend 1: – sounds like an interesting social experiment I’d like to try out.
Friend 2: I don’t like the sound of that.
Friend 2: Don’t worry, it’ll be purely observational. It’ll be interesting to see how primitive we as a species still are and always will be.
Friend 2: I’d keep that observation to yourself.
THE NEXT DAY
(At an office, Friend 1 is in a conference room with several coworkers)
Coworker 1: OK, I think that’s it – meeting adjourned. (Everyone starts to leave)
Friend 1: Wait a minute, shouldn’t we all –
Coworker 1: What? Get out of here? Yes.
Friend 1: – hang back for a few minutes? We buzzed right through that meeting and there were no pauses whatsoever.
Coworker 2: Darn tootin’ – I hate meetings.
Friend 1: So, we have a few more minutes, and we should just, you know, take a breather.
Coworker 1: (Looks at cell phone) Yeah, OK, I’ve got a few before my next meeting.
Coworker 3: Another meeting?
Coworker 1: They’re all I seem to do lately.
Coworker 2: I hate meetings.
Coworker 1: Yes, we established that – I think you’ll find few who don’t.
Coworker 4: I miss when they’d serve food at these things.
The Rest: Yeah.
(They all sigh, then stare at the table in silence for several seconds)
Friend 1: (Whispers) Mastodon check….
Coworker 1: What?
Friend 1: I said, look at the time, gotta go, bye! (Runs out of the room)
Coworker 3: (Yelling after Friend 1) But this was your idea!
THE NEXT DAY
(In a restaurant, Friend 1 is at dinner with a date)
Date: I told myself I’d never do online dating, but with everything going on lately, I figured, why not, eh?
Friend 1: (Nodding intensely while keeping an eye on one arm, sporting a wristwatch, stretched out on the table) Uh-huh, uh-huh, well, one needs to keep busy, doesn’t one, right?
Date: (Eyes dart over to Friend 1’s arm) Doooo you need to head out somewhere soon?
Friend 1: Huh?
Date: (Points to the watch) I don’t want to keep you.
Friend 1: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Date: Oh-kay. (Drinks some water while looking around the restaurant)
Friend 1: Ha! Twenty minutes!
Date: Excuse me?
Friend 1: Oh, I guess it doesn’t count if it’s more of an awkward pause than a natural lull.
Date: I feel like we’re having two different conversations here.
Friend 1: Sorry, don’t mind me, just doing a mental reset…. (Stares at the watch to memorize the new time)
Date: Maybe I should just ask for the check.
Friend 1: (Looks up suddenly) The mastodon check?!
Date: What?
Friend 1: What?
THE NEXT DAY
(Friend 1 is at a family cook-out; relatives are standing around holding plates because all the tables are filled with the food being served)
Relative 1: (To Relative 2) Look, we’re never going to agree on this, so we might as well change the subject. Wanna talk about politics instead?
Relative 2: YES!
Friend 1: (Walks over to them, holding a plate of food in one hand and a watch in the other) Excuse me, how long have you two been talking together?
Relative 2: About five minutes, why?
Friend 1: Drat, thought it was longer. Proceed. (Leaves)
Relative 1: (Mutters to Relative 2) That one’s always been a bit off.
(Friend 1 hovers on the edge of a larger, laughing group, which tapers off into silence)
Friend 1: (Hisses) Yessss… wait, forgot to set the time.
Relative 3: (Points to the distance) Hey, what’s that over there?
(Everyone shields their eyes as they turn to stare at a large shape in the distance coming closer to them; Friend 1’s eyes widen while the watch and plate are dropped)
Friend 1: (In a horrified whisper) The mastodon!
Relative 4: (Running in from the edges of the property) Everyone, quick, some mutant elephant’s on the loose or something, run!
(The relatives all drop their plates and run, forgetting that most of them had arrived in cars)
Friend 1: (Answers ringing cell phone while on the move) You won’t believe what’s happening here right now!
Friend 2: (Relaxing on the living room couch while watching the TV) Oh, it’s by you? I saw on the news some evil scientist cloned a mastodon from fossils and set it off on a rampage to “see Nature reassert its dominance,” and I immediately thought of you. Guess you’d better run in the opposite direction then, huh.
Friend 1: (Still talking on the phone while running) You think our hunter-gathering instincts’ll kick in enough for us to fashion spears and herd this thing to the nearest nature preserve?!
Friend 2: I doubt it – I’m surprised any of you are even able enough to run away at this point in our species’ evolution.
Friend 1: (Starting to stagger) Seeing as I’m about to pass out from lack of air and muscle tone, I agreeeee!!!!
