(In an office, Coworker 1 sits at a desk and taps the same computer key over and over with no change in the result)
Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2 sitting at the next desk over) Hey, boss?
Coworker 2: (Without looking away from editing a novel) Sssshhhh... trying to keep that tidbit of knowledge on a minimum distribution basis.
Coworker 1: Really? I figured everyone else knew you were CEO but me.
Coworker 2: No, and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as possible – what’s up?
Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the computer screen and then back at Coworker 2) Would you be able to help me with a spreadsheet?
Coworker 2: No.
Coworker 1: …“No” because you can’t or “No” because you won’t?
Coworker 2: Both. (Turns to Coworker 1) No matter where you are on the corporate ladder, you can only climb up it by delegating as much of your work as possible.
Coworker 1: This was delegated to me.
Coworker 2: Oh. Stinks to be you, then. (Returns to copy editing)
(Coworker 1’s desk phone rings)
Coworker 1: (Picks up the receiver and cradles it on one shoulder in order to continue typing) Accounts Payable.
Coworker 3: (Voice) Thank goodness you’re at your desk – we have an escalating crisis here, and I’m not handling it very well!
Coworker 1: Huh?
Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, we’ve got a situation going on and we’ve exhausted all our mental resources so we figured why not ask you next.
Coworker 1: Thanks, I think – am I on speaker phone?
Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, there are about 10 of us here representing 17 departments.
Coworkers 5-12: (Voices) Hi.
Coworker 9: (Voice) Make that 20 departments – I just got assigned two more this morning, ahahahahaha – ! (Dissolves into sobs)
Coworker 1: Whoa, wait a minute, this sounds like a bit much, I think I should get my manager – (Sees Coworker 2 shaking head and mouthing “No”) hold on – (Covers up the phone’s mouthpiece and whispers to Coworker 2) Why not? You said I should delegate.
Coworker 2: Yeah, delegate down or lateral – never delegate up if you can help it. Isn’t there someone else in your department you can dump this on – I mean, assign this to?
Coworker 1: I think they’re all on lunch right now and I’m the only chump working. (Uncovers the phone) So, how can I help you?
Coworker 3: (Voice) Well, check requests were submitted and approved for purchase orders, and the checks were sent out but now nobody knows where they went!
Coworker 1: Did you check – heh-heh, sorry – with the courier?
Coworker 4: (Voice) First thing we did: documented as delivered, but no checks in sight.
Coworker 1: Maybe they got mailed for deposit right after?
Coworker 5: (Voice) Already looked – no record!
Coworker 1: Still: might’ve gone out and someone forgot to record it.
Coworker 5: (Voice) I’m the one who tracks those!
Coworker 1: OK… and….
Coworker 5: (Voice) I didn’t forget! There are no checks to be had here!
Coworker 1: (Starts rubbing forehead to ward off a headache) OK, then maybe they were delivered to the wrong department?
Coworker 12: (In the distant background) We asked everywhere!
Coworker 1: No one asked this department.
Coworker 12: (In the distant background) …Did you get any checks lately you shouldn’t’ve?
Coworker 1: (Sighs) No.
Coworker 12: (In the distant background) Now we asked everywhere!
Coworker 1: OK, OK, if, by chance, they went somewhere else… outside the building… dropped onto the sidewalk… do you want me to look up whether they were deposited by someone else?
Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) YES!
Coworker 1: (Holds phone away from ear for a few seconds) All right, send me the invoice numbers and I’ll contact the bank.
Coworker 2: (Voice echoes through Coworker 1’s phone earpiece and Coworker 2’s phone’s speaker) Can you CC me on the e-mails, please?
Coworker 1: (Looks distractedly at Coworker 2) Yeah…. (Covers up the mouthpiece and whispers again) How’d you get on this call, too?!
Coworker 2: (Hits “Mute” on the phone) They conferenced me in – guess it’s important.
Coworker 1: Great, that’s just perfect – (Uncovers the mouthpiece) Once I get the invoice numbers, I’ll get right on it and let you know when I hear back.
Coworker 6: (Voice zooms in) Could you expedite that so we know what happened ASAP? It’s a lot of money.
Coworker 1: Sure, just…. (Keeps refreshing the e-mail inbox) I need the e-mail first before I can do anything.
Coworker 3: (Voice with sounds of rapid keystrokes underneath) I’m typing as fast as I can! It’s about 50 invoices!
Coworker 1: WHAT?! And the checks all just disappeared?!
Coworker 3: (Voice) Yes! You understand now why we’re all freaking out?!
Coworker 1: (Holding head with one hand and the receiver with the other) Wait, so that many checks would’ve been delivered in a bigger package, then – did you get any boxes dropped off there recently?
Coworker 3: (Typing stops; sounds of rustling papers and heavier objects being dropped; voice) No – just the stationery delivery – ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….
Coworkers 4-12: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..
Coworker 1: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” what?!
Coworker 7: (Voice) We never actually read the label on this thing.
Coworker 11: (Voice in the distance) Checks always arrive in large envelopes, you know?
Coworker 4: (Voice) We ordered stationery recently and this looks just like that box those arrive in, so uncanny –
Coworker 1: (Head is now lying on the desk; muffled into the phone) Does the label say “Accounts Payable” on it?
Coworker 3: (Sounds of ripping packaging; voice) Yes! Yes! The checks are all in here, yay!
Coworkers 4-12: (Voices) YAY!
Coworker 1: (Still on the desk) Yay.
Coworker 2: (Turns off “Mute”; voice echoes again) Great job, team, glad that’s all resolved now, keep up the good work! I have a meeting in five so I’m signing off now, bye!
Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYE!
Coworker 1: (Sits up as Coworker 2 lifts the receiver to end the call on that phone; to the others) So, do you need anything else from me?
Coworker 4: (Voice) Nope, we’re all good now, thanks!
Coworker 1: OK. Bye.
Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
(Coworker 1 gently hangs up the phone and stares into the middle distance)
Coworker 2: (Smirks at Coworker 1) I’m proud of you.
Coworker 1: I feel like I just ran a mini-marathon without physically moving from this spot.
Coworker 2: And that, is why, you delegate.
